Trail Cameras

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So it has been many years since I walked these harrowed halls, but like a waif I have returned with tales of woe,

Trail Cameras, They are cunts.

Now long in tooth and fair of heart I have taken to caring for my mother, who surprisingly enough is more decrepit than myself, a widow hitting 80 and of limited mobility she spends her days commuting between bedroom and lounge.
Her pride is her patio, bird feeders and bird bath, she make a morning ritual of pouring the contents of the kettle over any offending weed that dares to show its head amongst the paving.

A while ago she commented on a new arrival, a strange bird that she struggled to identify due to poor eye sight and the speed of the bird.

Being a dutiful son I bought one of my trail cameras round (a motion activated camera) and set it up on the patio to capture on film the little visitor.

Two weeks later I collected and downloaded the camera and to my surprise found that I had set it to video capture 5 seconds.

I had 314 little films to flick through to find the mystery creature.

Anyway I set about the edit, mainly a sodding pigeon of which I had approximately 200+ films of, a couple of cats at night, a hedge hog and most traumatic of all, my mother bending over to dowse a weed in boiling water in her night dress and no knickers!

Some things, you cant un see, I have seen my place of origin in graphic technicolor detail, I don’t know who the cunt is, me for putting the camera there or her for exposing herself .

Obviously I have wiped the images from the camera and my laptop, with the aid of alcohol I hope to strip the other one from my memory

Nominated by: lord benny(not quite deceased, but close)

(In case you’re not sure what trail cameras are: Day Admin – Trail Camera Guide )

14 thoughts on “Trail Cameras”

  2. If I may be so bold, I think this demonstrates that you are a dutiful and respectful son, and a man of integrity, my Lord.

    Most cunts these days would have uploaded the pictures of Mum’s snatch onto their social media, in search of a few likes.

    • As everything seems to automatically get synced, shared and uploaded to the fucking “cloud” these days, they’re probably still floating around Googles hard drives somewhere.

  4. Wonder if Lord Benny had second thoughts of showing his mother her modelling expertise, before destroying it ?

  5. My wife has been nagging me since we moved in 8 years ago that we should get a couple of cctv cameras put up- one and the front one at the back- because our place although on an estate is slightly hidden away. I relented and had two put up a couple of months ago. These are cloud based, so you have the cameras on your mobile phone, so if you want to you can see whats going on while you’re not there.To start it was all fine- all working and recording (got some top bollocks sd cards to go in them so records two weeks worth, then wipes and records over, so if something happens while we’re away for a fortnights holiday, we have the images etc.

    Anyway, it was all good until my wife discovered the ‘motion activated alert’ feature on her phone. So now if there is ANY movement picked up by the cameras- birds, dogs, people, foxes etc it beeps on her phone and shows the image. A good idea you may think? No it fucking isn’t because last week my wife and daughter decided to have a week away and leave me home alone as I had work. Now, when the wife is away i use that as an excuse to eat all the shit takeaway food my wife doesn’t normally want me eating…….so every fucking evening I got a call “just seen you come in with a large bag of McDonalds/KFC” or “you’ve just has a curry/Chinese delivered- just come up on my phone there was movement, and saw a delivery car in the drive” or ” I’ve just seen you come back from Tescos with two bottles of wine”

    Fuck sake- it’s an awful idea…don’t get cctv!!

    • We have Ring® cameras front and back.
      And they’re good!
      Don’t get me wrong, they work fine,
      But they send a alert to your phone and are motion sensor triggered.

      So when I’m at work my phone keeps going off telling me there’s sparrows in the back garden or its windy and the apple trees branches are moving.

      Novelty soon wore off.
      Missus and daughter still have it,
      I turned mine off.

  6. Liz Hurley’s weird son doesn’t need an accident to get pictures of her growler..she seems to be constantly waving it in his face…probably trying to convince him that he’s not a Gay.

    I wouldn’t mind a peek at her old tuna-trench myself….but I’d be terrified that as I bent down to get a closer look, the son would ram me.

    • Aye Fiddler, he is a bizarre looking Ken doll and his mother is big friends with Elton and David. I’ll give his arsehole another year or two before its violated at some swanky yachting party in the south of France if it hasn’t been already.

      • I suppose Lord Benny should just consider himself lucky that Elton hadn’t decided to creep into his Mother’s garden for a dump……

        Thundery as fuck up here today,LL….you busy ?

      • A bit of thunder and lightning the other night and a few good downpours but very localised. Quite a few hedges to do this month which I had been putting off during the hot weather….got my Stihl back from a service so I will be putting it through its paces, can’t see any problems.

        You still doing forestry work Fiddler? No awkward cunts taking the piss?

      • I just go along to the odd job,LL…can’t be bothered knocking my end in these days.

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