My missus’ friends are cunts!
After a hard day’s work, 10am until 10pm I walked in the door around 22:15 to be greeted by a group of my other halves mates, who had all had a drink and there were takeaway boxes strewn all over the kitchen.
Now, after a day full of graft, I wanted to pour myself a drink, sit on my arse for 15 minutes in silence. But no, I couldn’t because my house is full of pricks I don’t know.
I thought, I’ll announce that I’m going for a shower, so I went for a long shit and shower hoping they’d excuse their selves for when I was done.
Nope! The cunts are still here. So bollocks I’m going to bed. Cunts making themselves at home in my house.
Why can’t everyone just fuck off.
Nominated by: elcuntio
One of the benefits of COVID was that we had months when this sort of shit didn’t happen!
23
I’ve had decades when this sort of shit didn’t happen…nothing to do with Covid….more the fact that my unpleasant personality,questionable personal habits and all-round unlikeability makes visitors extremely unlikely.
43
Forging the way forward Lord F, good show.
El C, next time announce your arrival by taking a shit in the middle of the room and suggest the wimminz fight over who gets to clear it up.
12
My ex wife’s brother was like that. He’d come round and then just watch tv. On many occasions we just went bed and left him there. Weird.
24
Nah, just a freeloading cunt..
4
Could be worse the Kent coast has hundreds of uninvited guests everyday.
43
I can’t adbise you, but I am sure Sir Dick Fiddler would be able to give you some tips, that would probably involve the hounds.
10
And a twelve bore.
13
I would suggest a diet that promotes frequent and malodorous flatulence. For me it’s mushroom, asparagus and cheese rissoto washed down with ale, the darker and more bitter the better. It will clear the house, even the Mrs Elcuntio but that’s her fault.
12
Strip off and burst through the door bellowing ” Get some of this up ya…ya fucking Slaagggs”…. I expect you’ll then have perfect peace and calm as not only your “other halves” mates will clear off but your “other half” will probably go with them….perfect… you can then watch porn and have an undisturbed wank.
..or you could just tell them all to “Fuck Off”….and release The Hounds.
25
Elcuntio@
You have to win them over.
Hearts and minds old bean.
If you’re rude to them they’ll band together against you,
Slag you off.
Get them inside?
“Oh you’ve got a keeper there!”
“Wish my Dave was like him”
Fight smart.
Next time try this
Your knackered from work ,
Know the house will be full of half pissed split arses,
Buy 2 bottles of wine!
“Hello ladies!
Got you these, know you girls like a drink!
How’s your Dave?
Don’t mind me I’m knackered from work just going to jump in the shower”
You come back down later they’re proper pissed,
Women can’t drink for shit.
Order them a taxi and pay first £10.
You’ve sped the up got them out all for £20.
And they think your wonderful.
So does the missus!
Now try for a leg over 👍
17
Maybe come down from the shower with an ill-fitting towel and try for a leg-over off the missus with her friends watching?
14
Or try for one from any, or all, of her fit friends with the wife watching.
12
I think I’d prefer to shit on my own floor than spend £20 on the fuckers 😂
3
….and I’d prefer to shit on my own floor than shag my wife’s mates. They’re all mingers and fat whores.
2
Invite Chris Pincher back with you and the male guests will be history before the cheeky scallywag sexually assaults them.
(We do have a scheduled nom about “The Pincher”, due to go live soon – Day Admin)
18
Pinchey seems to think he’ll be back to work shortly!!
Just a visit to the doctor’s for some tablets to stop you sexually assaulting people.
He’s a disgrace.
He can’t handle his drink.
13
True that MNC.
He’s acting like the doc can give him a prescription to stop him groping blokes.
Maybe if he takes 500 sleeping pills with a bottle of vodka? I think that might stop him from grabbing dinkles ever again.
7
Cuntybollocks @
He’s basically saying
‘sorry I’ve got caught acting depraved but I’m keeping my job’
Cheeky little helmet fondler.
7
I have as sister-in-law, who I have less than affectionately named ‘Poison’ who likes to make herself homeless every couple of years.
Her first port of call is always Odin towers, where she will be taken in by a kind hearted Mrs Odin and then proceed to weld herself to the sofa for two to three months feeling sorry for herself.
Her occupancy usually ends when she and Mrs Odin have a massive Portuguese falling out and they don’t speak to each other for a couple of years.
Then the cycle repeats.
16
My best mate once had a visit from the tv license people. Stark bollock naked and having drunk a bottle of vodka.”WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU”. Never heard another word from the cunts.
20
Your best mate isn’t the much-missed Black & White Cunt, is it?
He once addressed a new poster here (James from Manchester) with “Who the fuck are you then?”!
15
I once opened the door, just wearing slippers, to a parcel delivery guy after a bottle of gin.
5
Stark bollock naked and having drunk a bottle of vodka.”WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU”
One rule for life to beat Jordan Peterson’s twelve.
1
If a nosey neighbour or friend pops round,
Mithering
It’s best to play the long game.
After every visit ask the missus
“Luv have you moved my cufflinks/£10 off the side?”
Don’t point any fingers yourself.
It’s important your missus comes up with the idea your uninvited guest has gypsy fingers.
Maybe drop a bit of her jewellery in the neighbours handbag?
These things are easily solved with false accusations and ruining someone’s reputation.
If your neighbour becomes a recluse or moves in the dead of night you’ve done it well.
17
Back when I lived with the ex, if one of her friends was round, I used to enjoy sitting unnecessarily and uncomfortably (for her) close to her mate, particularly if she was attractive.
Making deposits in the wank bank…
15
I’d have not said a word, pulled my trousers off, squatted and shat in my hand. I would have then started rubbing in to my face while simultaneously wanking and crying repeating the word “mummy, mummy” in the style of a distressed mong.
(Sounds like Greta or Lily Mong! – Day Admin)
17
Sounds like the start of an interesting porn movie
7
Sounds like he needs help
14
I do need help sir. Well spotted.
1
I bet your search history is “interesting”.
0
“Lilly mong” lol
1
Cover yourself in ketchup and start chopping away at the living room door with an axe. Pop your head through the smashed door, put on your craziest fizog and yell, “Hhheerre’s Jonny!”
12
Or start talking about Huey Lewis and Phil Collins albums.
2
You work 10am-10pm and come home to a houseful?
Sorry to say this, your wife is a cunt and you need to bin her ASAP.
Unless it was a “one-off”.
Alternatively, invite our Lord Fiddler as a house guest for the week, all it will cost you is several boxes of Guiness and a stack of Fray Bentos pies* and I imagine your lady will agree to your house becoming a “visitor” free zone👍
*you do have more than one lavatory, don’t you?
🥺
16
CG, you’ve said what I hadn’t even got the bollocks to say.
The missus should have a nice dinner waiting for you,- not a houseful of pissed-up split arses.
Have they been to work all day or just been tossing it off?
I’d have got them out pretty sharpish.
A few wondering palms and some crude comments, and they would soon be packing their handbags.
10
It’s not just fray bentos products he likes, allegedly, but I heard rumours he is allegedly fond of goblin.
I mean Goblin foods not goblin as in a nosh.
Allegedly.
2
Thankfully she realised her mistake the next morning and assured me it wouldn’t happen again, she did say they had offered to leave at 9pm but she had said they should have another drink. I may have let her off lightly due to the honesty.
1
@elcuntio.
I had a less than pleasant experience with some uninvited guests, not long after I moved in to my first house. It turned out that I’d bought the house from a man known as the local hood. One morning he popped round with a couple of his boys, ostensibly to ask me how I was settling in. I thanked him for his kindly enquiry and said I was doing fine. I offered him a cup of tea which he accepted with gratitude. I offered tea to his boys, but they said they’d prefer lemonade, freshly squeezed and ice cold if possible. I told them they’d have to make do with Co-Op’s own brand, to which they replied by holding a knife to my throat, to which Mr Hood chuckled and told them not to be so naughty.
He then asked me if I wouldn’t mind doing him a little favour. He said he had some poor souls renting rooms from him down the road who needed somewhere temporary to live while he did the property up to comply with local housing regulations, and seeing as how I was living alone at present he wondered if it would be alright if some of his tenants were to move into my house – just for a couple of months at most. He even offered to give me 40% of the rent they would be paying him.
Now it grieves me to say, but at this point I felt Mr Hood might be taking me for a ride, and the idea of getting lumbered with a bunch of illegal blacks for the foreseeable future was not one I found immediately appealing. So I told him, in as friendly terms as I could muster, that should he continue to pursue the matter I would be forced to get my solicitors involved.
He tipped his hat, bade me farewell, and I never seen him again.
10
That story did not end how I imagined, are you saying I should tell my missus’ that I’m speaking to my solicitors?
1
The worse thing is when people are staying around for a few weeks, so you are counting down the days and then Wham! They and or the missus announce they will be extending the visit. It’s like a kick in the goolies with hob nailed boots.
6
El-C you seem to be working under the illusion that the house belongs to you. If you can, build the biggest shed you can in the garden using whatever pack of lies that will get the job done. The cobblers you spew could include reasons why you will run power, have windows, insulation & boarding, feel your way on this. As you reach the middle of the build or fixing the TV aerial, start pissing in a bucket in the corner of your newly minted man cave. Send cheques, postal orders etc to IsAC marriage Counseling, No Fixed Abode, Cricklewood.
6
You’re suffering from politeness syndrome. You are a polite considerate person, which is a good thing the majority of the time.
However being polite and considerate when your house is overrun with rude inconsiderate cunts is not going to work for you.
You’re fully entitled to some R&R when you’ve done a days graft, particularly so late in the evening.
Where it gets sticky is the main offender being your other half. Seems your partner puts your needs at the bottom of their priorities. At this point you need to ask if that’s because they are a selfish cunt with no respect for you or have you just been too nice in the past and not spoken up when liberties are taken?
Have a word with your partner and if it happens again tell the uninvited it’s time to go and tell your other half they are free to fuck off with them.
Unfortunately sometimes the polite and considerate need to have a steely determination to ensure they are treated with the same respect and consideration they treat others with.
9
I think you are correct. I should have kicked off, but it is not in my nature. Thankfully the silence and calmness and lack of reaction seemed to have the desired effect this time. I received a full apology in the morning.
1
I think this merges a little with the ‘overstaying your welcome’ cunts.
There’s always one cunt who stays despite you and the Mrs starting to tidy up and switching off outside lights and turning off the music.
Despite this, these cunts then open the fridge and sit on the sofa while looking through a few CDs. When I used to bother with such shite, I wouldn’t fuck about. Told one lad ‘You called a taxi yet, we’re off to bed.’
He said, ‘Oh I see. I can take a hint.’
My reply was something like, ‘It wasn’t a hint. I’m telling you to fuck off, the party is over you silly cunt.’
Probably why I don’t have many friends. Life has taught me most people are cunts and I can’t be arsed with most of them.
12
Nobody comes to my house.
It’s a tip. It’s freezing in winter, and there’s stuff rotting and stinking in the summer. Usually there’s something hanging or half-butchered in the kitchen.
It’s full of taxidermy, and I even have some stuffed stoats and minks that are strategically placed so that they stare at you when you are seated. Even a mink stares at you on the shitter with a teeth-baring pose.
There are numerous mechanical clocks that chime slightly out of sync, to remind you what time it is roughly. The ticking and constant chiming drives people mad I’d imagine.
There are two 1920’s motorbikes and greasy old brit-bike spares strewn around in a corner in the dining room, along with a Myford lathe and some old toolboxes.
I say nobody comes. People do, but it only attracts the certain types of people I can tolerate. It won’t attract any Prosecco drinking, gin swilling split-arse types that’s for sure.
I’m never alone in summer anyway. I’ve always got flys for company. I do like a fly. They’re not fussy guests, easily pleased little fellows.
10
Ho ho, your house sounds fantastic, Dvd!
A couple of my houseguests have enquired, “why do you need so many rooms full of electronic shit and motorbike parts?”
As I explained: living room for 4k cinema, dining room for driving sim rig, study for computer and 1080p plasma (for watching old dvds with) and kitchen for dismantling a 1976 GT750 engine in the warm.
Being a bloke is fucking ace!
8
TTCE, you must have the only house with two ‘kettles’ in the kitchen.
I often wonder why they water-cooled the 750’s? The 550’s and 380’s seemed to be fine with their ‘ram air system’.
5
I think they wanted to sell the water cooled 750 in Aus and the US, dvd.
Incidentally, it’s now back together and I rode it on Friday. What a wonderful scruffy shitbag it is!
Has these pipes:
https://youtu.be/Z3Zmdx336_A
2
Sounds great. Love the puff of polluting 2 stroke smoke.
S reg, I thought production had stopped by then?
Yes the heat in the Southern States and Oz would have cooked an air cooled triple. Never thought of that.
Is that an RE5 in black behind it?
2
Oh, that’s not my bike. Mine’s waaaaaay shitter than that! Just has the same pipes.
1
I thought that was a bit tidy for scruffy.
I like travel-stained shitters.
I had a 1936 Sunbeam Longstroke Lion. It was mint when I had it, 20 odd years later with a sidecar fitted it ended up a complete shitter.
It took me everywhere.
The MoT man was less than impressed with it year upon year.
3
Dickvandyke@
Taxidermy?
I love taxidermy!
Especially if done badly.
Crosseyed and lopsided etc
7
Morning Mis.
I’ve got a stags head with wonky horns, and its eyes look like black marbles.
It looks frightened to death and slightly ashamed of itself.
It makes me laugh.
Mrs Dyke has just gave me a telling off for getting too much fag ash and tobacco bits in the bed.
I’ve told her she hasn’t got to sleep in my bed. She’s welcome to go in the other room.
She’s fell back asleep. I might fuck off out for a sneaky carvery and few pints.
6
Down with this sort of thing !
5
Your problem, Mr Elcuntio, is that the guests weren’t uninvited. They were there at the invitation of your missus. Obviously she decided it was something she could get away with and you would have to like it or lump it. So whose house is it? Who wears the pants? No-one bosses me around in my house. Apart from my cat.
7
The ‘invitation’ thing is crucial …. if the missus has invited them, then there is the problem.
I’d a new girlfriend move in many moons ago and she couldn’t get her head round one particular (thick skinned) lad .. I stress not a real mate .. who would just appear with his girlfriend and expect everything to stop and get the kettle on for a cuppa etc. I was always too polite to fuck him off.
My new girlfriend suggested we INVITE them round for a cuppa and maybe a bite to eat or the like. I asked her what the fuck did she think that would achieve … and she said .. If they are invited they would know when they were welcome, then the rest of the time the penny would drop that they weren’t ‘invited’ so wouldn’t just drop in. Thick skinned lad maybe didn’t work it out straight away but his girlfriend did and after a couple of well spread out invited visits, we barely saw the fuckers again.
It’s a high risk strategy .. but if the wife keeps inviting them ..
4
If she keeps inviting them, it’s simple, the wife goes
0
We get very few visitors at The Rookery.
Especially after dark.
People feel uneasy.
Can’t think why.
Ethel calls me anti social.
Just because I hate everyone.
Peter Sellers had the right idea. I read that his wife invited a crowd round for a weekend long shindig.
Sellers wouldn’t come down.
They only saw him when they were leaving.
Stood at the bedroom window.
Waving goodbye.
Now that’s what I call style.
Good morning.
10
Going completely off topic.
Never go to Burton Upon Trent.
Picked a rare 9.00 x 16 tyre up from there.
What a shithole. Every creed imaginable.
Stinking kebab shops, shifty phone and law shops. Shawama grill house, (what the fuck is Shawarma?) Western Union money shop, – send your crooked cash back to Pakistan etc.
Never again, a fucking dump is an understatement.
Couldn’t wait to get back to the green and pleasant hills.
6
This sounds like a fantastic situation. Make it into your own little humorous game, just to amuse yourself whilst you engineer what you want.
Drug paraphernalia down the back of the sofa, an abundance of sexy toys hidden in dark places, nasty “fuck my wife” porn channels paused on the TV.
Concoct a hideous vaginal fluid out of the contents of the old unlabelled jars & bottles on the shelves in your garage, and likely a spot of toothpaste and “Blue Dragon” fish sauce. Smear it all over the sofa , and your grits.
You have to proper weird them out, make them feel as uncomfortable in your home as you currently do – they won’t come back.
They will start to think your missus is a total fucking wrongen and you can apologise to her about the porn (it was just a phase love) but blame them for the drugs..
Start to include yourself a bit too, wear the missuses dressing gown a lot post shower. Suggest the fit one stays over for the weekend next time, possibly suggest a group cruise in the med.. open book of hilarity really.
I’m actually a bit jealous.
You will want them back when you are done as life will likely become really rather dull.
2
Or just don’t open the door to them.
0
I don’t think he was in at the time.
0
Had this once with an ex partner – came in from work to find the place full of pissed fuckwits.
I took her outside and mentioned that if these people did not fuck off in ten minutes she would be out with them and I would leave her fucking stuff on the lawn.
Just one of many ways she tried to take the piss, and it was a good day when I threw her out.
4
I would just tell them to all get the fuck out and take their shit with them and if they don’t do it in five mins you’ll start busting some heads. When they leave in their cars, get on the blower to plod and report the fucking lot of them for drink driving.
I could never put up with drunk cunts all over my place stinking of booze.
4
Another option is to start wanking outside the living room and when you’re about to jizz, open the door, run in and start spunking everywhere.
Your house. No laws have been broken.
I think anyway.*
* Readers do at their own risk.
5
Advise your other half that this is what gardens are for.
0