Team building can be a useful corporate exercise, but only if it’s voluntary. Personally, I usually dislike most people (as most people are annoying cunts) and I’d rather spend my own time with the (very) few real pals I have and my family. Not with prats I can’t stand the sight of.
And certainly not while on some ‘fun’ paint-balling weekend in the Dales.
In my experience, these things are counterproductive. The weekend ones always have a ‘party’ evening involving booze. Invariably, some cunts end up having a massive drunken fall out (or full on punch-up, as witnessed on one occasion) and end up never speaking to each other again. That’ll help!
I don’t mind if they’re voluntary, but forcing staff to give up their own time to ‘bond’ with the p erv from accounts, or the mad stroppy tart from purchasing is fucking pointless.
For most, when work ends they want fuck all to do with the place until they go back. Including seeing anyone from the place
Bosses who force this shite on their employees are fucking cunts.
Nominated by: Cuntybollocks
When I was younger I worked for a large corporate and used to love these days. An opportunity to get smashed up and pork the fit bird with bit juggs in marketing.
14
Nice one……me the same (not same bird obv) Went on 5 or 6 of these over the years when I was in my late 20’s/early 30’s and dunked my plumbs on each one I went on.
Sweet.
12
Is she the one on the far left in the photo, CM?
That’s a good sized couple of targets to aim at with the paint gun as well as the spunk gun.
9
ooooo the one on the right is a nice littlie filly indeed. I’d also let the one on the left have my seconds.
7
I’ve been on a few of these…..absolute fucking bullshit. On one of them we had to stand in a circle and then were instructed to hold hands. Well to my left was a bloke and I said (not very loudly) “this is the gayest thing I’ve ever done.”
Well the next morning I was on the carpet, some cunt had grassed me up.
My argument that it was actually the gayest thing I’d ever done and I was just stating a fact didn’t wash. Apparently I had ridiculed and undermined the whole purpose of the exercise.
Bunch of fucking wankers.
26
Are they paying me to be there?
Do I drag the CEO out of their mansion and demand they give up their free time to be around cunts they can’t stand?
That’s what Family weddings are for!
I wonder how many of these corporate nonsense things will be arranged by BLM in 12 months time?
Yep – ALL of the fuckers.
18
Wish we had team building days when I worked for some cunty outfits a few years back. There again me doing life in a secure unit would not have pleased the good women.
12
Agreed. My last corporate inclusivity awareness session didn`t go too well.
18
Hate filled cunt’s holding team-building exercises, behind the bike sheds, somewhere in Worcestershire, if anyone’s interested? Keyboard warriors need not apply as they never show up.
15
Stupid fucking bullshit for the ‘office’, usually organised by cunts who wouldn’t be missed if they never turned up at work ever again.
There is no I in team, so I ain’t fucking interested 😂
13
Whenever I’ve heard “There’s no i in team” I’ll say, but there’s a u in cunt. One boss did respond by saying, there’s also a u in unemployed, the cunt.
14
No I in team, but there is in bullshit
3
An excellent nom. I don’t work in the corporate world but this sort of thing would drive me mad. It must be bad enough spending the week at work with bossy cunts you despise without being forced to spend your weekend with the same noxious turds. They call it “ team bonding”. I say if you want to bond your team then superglue their butts to the office chair.
13
I remember a few years ago getting talking to a group in the local Pub. They had been sent, at great expense, on a teambuilding weekend at an outdoor centre in the area.They had fucked off after the first morning session and booked themselves into a B+B next to the Pub…..as they said,they were 4 middle-aged,sedentary office managers….they weren’t trainee Sappers and had no fucking intention of giving themselves a gripper by attempting to build a bridge,climb an obstacle-course or camp out like Raoul Moat hiding from the Police and they didn’t give a fuck what Human Resources thought about it.
Apparent
25
I despise this type of enforced bonhomie. Having said that I was a manager at a large national retailer for years, we were sent on these things from time to time. the problem was we didn’t really need it, we all knew each other and got on well. They were really just a piss up paid for by the company. I once went on an AIDS awareness course, when that was first out and everyone was scared of it. The girl taking the course asked the assembled assortment of irreverent reprobates what AIDS stood for. Silence….followed by a wag from Leeds shouting: Arse Injected Death Sentence. At that point she may as well have packed up and called it a day. The fire training was fun too, setting fire to a skip and putting it out. Mostly they were shite but came with lunch and a day out of the shop so happy days.
16
I put up with this shite for decades. It is invariably bollocks and achieves fuck all.
Vey lucrative for bullshit ‘coaches’ though.
17
‘I can work as part of a team but can also use my own initiative.’
From my redundant CV.
What else was on it?
‘I am a ‘people person’ and can forge bonds with other staff members’.
And other such shit.
At the head of it was; ‘My Mission Statement’
Fuck me the fucking time I spent on the bullshit.
‘I am an enthusiastic person looking to develop my inter-personal skills…’
‘Eager to take part in any Continuous Professional Development courses that will enhance my….’
15
Proper bollocks CV’s are. Almost as bad as Linkedin.
11
I once wrote in my CV that I was ‘happy to do work I am being paid for to the best of my ability’. When I was asked, in an interview, if I was happy to do extra work I replied ‘yes, if I’m being paid extra to do it’. They hired me on the basis that I was totally upfront about what they could expect from me.
20
Sirs:
These things are a complete waste of time and money.
Role-playing exercises are especially stupid. I became Vinnie from New Jersey one time, and using that persona (and accent) told a lot of people what I thought. Then during debref I blamed it on Vinnie.
The only way these things work is to unify the staff in their loathng of senor management.
The best way to have a happy productive team is to pay them decently, explain clearly what the job is, and then fuck off and pet them get to it.
8
I always imagine them turning into stormy forest scene from First Blood.
11
Or maybe Southern Comfort. Watch that cunt with only one arm…
2
I get CPD confused with CBT, and as there are, in any case, two interpretations of the latter, things can get a bit confusing…
Isn’t interpersonal skills just another way of saying getting a leg over?
9
No, it’s worse than that HBH, I know of at least four. As well as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, there is also Compulsory Bike Training, Child Bearing Thighs & Cock & Ball Torture.
6
Worse than those is if you’re in government and they force social experiments on you.
I really don’t want to bond with fellow workers unless I happen to have organic rapport with one.
6
We used to do loads of them when I worked – did fuck all to improve team relationships. But one event was brightened by one of the best put-downs I ever heard.
The person running the event wanted us all to describe ourselves in two short sentences. One egotistical twat had to open his big mouth first and boomed “Heart of gold. Nerves of steel!”
And a female voice from the back said “Knob of butter.”
20
That really is sheer class. LOL
11
Fucking brilliant! Like the time we had some civvy plum, can’t remember whom, address the room and he started up with:
“Friends..”
and the squadron wag shouted:
“Romans”🤣🤣
Fuck me, over thirty years ago and I can still crack up thinking about it!
16
…and cuntymen…
8
When I was project manager for a web firm twenty five years ago, I convinced the boss that we all needed to go paint balling for ‘team building’. Let me organise it, 20 odd twentysomething lads piled down to Exeter, everyone with their hip flask, boss turns up in every bit of gear you can imagine, we turn up pissed and spent the whole afternoon shooting the shite out if him, even if he was on your own team. Best day that company ever had!
11
I dont do team work.
Fuck that.
Id be landed with some asthmatic speccy weed, some fat cunt, and a they/them nutter.
Id use them as a raft after eating all the ration packs and stealing from their kitbags .
Rely on yourself.
Ps
Id scoop out the fat cunts body as a sleeping bag.
Bear grylls taught me that.
13
So much in this nom and the posts above that I recognise and with which I can identify. The people who want to attend these jamborees don’t need them. The people who are coerced into attending simply become resentful. The whole concept is generally driven by HR departments which is where the most unproductive bullshitters in society end up. CVs? Mostly contain more fiction than the bible and the koran. Management apparently cannot or will not see that employees only attend for the hours for which they are paid in order to pay the bills. Attend when not being paid? Fuck off! Management also like to peddle the myth that they have concern for your health and well-being. They are only concerned to keep just to legal requirements and not even that if they can get away with it. You will know the moment you are not bringing in substantially more money than you are costing because that is the same moment you will receive your P45.
When I left school like so many people I hadn’t a clue what line of work to take up. Three years after leaving and having worked in three fixed sites I went into IT field service and never looked back. On the road for forty-nine years alone in the car, listen to the music I liked, maintain the temperature I liked, didn’t have to speak to any cunt except when I arrived at the customer’s site and could go for months at a time without going in the office or seeing the boss. And if you were bored you could usually find another driver who was up for a race. A way of life I strongly recommend. Good afternoon all.
11
Arfurbrain@ – After 30 years of being stabbed in the back, spoken to like shit by 20 year old P*kis, watching people get undeserved promotions because they kissed arse (and put out, in many, many cases) and having to grit my teeth every day being surrounded by the evil sinistra and Karens who are “so friendly and chatty” to subsequently find out any personal information anyone is daft enough to reveal is all round the office in an hour I cashed out and now work for me – I set my hours, days, how much I charge (I do discounts for OAPs and those in GENUINE hardship), have no boss and nobody trying to tell me what to do.
And the profit goes in MY pocket, not to a greedy company owner.
17
Yes, I’ve seen all that over the years Foxy. Something else I learned from other people’s experience/undoing was never to let your employer know of any personal problems. Either he sees it as trivial and you are therefore rated as a prat for not getting a grip, or if he sees it as serious gets rid of you before your problem affects his business. Schtum is the watchword. If I had not found the escape route that I did I suspect like yourself and MNC and a few others on here I would have gone self-employed also.
9
Another import from America no doubt, Team Building eh ? Not in my day was there such a jolly. Yer face didn’t fit, you were out the fucking door, no questions asked. I just don’t understand this “modernity”.
9
I used to like the work’s Christmas party because if i was lucky i would end up shagging the hot bird in HR , something i could only dream about in the cold light of day.
8
Where I work is a disorganised rabble with no concept of providing excellent customer service, keeping the customer informed and stamping down on the shirkers and bone idle. If they spent half the time on improving this instead of corporate team building bullshit. And I find the ones organising this team building shit are usually the bone idle bullshit artists of the workplace. Give me German efficiency any day.
6
Run your company like the Mafia. Fuck all this modern office politics shite.
3
I used to love these things when I was working tele sales. A day off from the sausage factory. I hated that job.
We used to have “theme” days, like Swinging Sixties and such where you’d dress up.
One was Summer Holiday, most folk came in shorts and teeshirts, luckily it was Summer and warm.
One female manager turned up in a full body dive suit, complete with swim fins, mask and snorkel. I thought I was going to die laughing! She looked so ridiculous, deliberately, to give everyone a good laugh.
It’s incredibly hard to have a serious conversation with someone wearing a snorkel.
4
Yes this really is a crock of shit.
When I worked on IT as a contractor, I was asked to attend a team building day out. Fine said I as long as I get paid my usual hourly rate. “But it’s for your benefit” came the reply
Well, the employees get paid but they expected me to join in for free. Needless to say I told them to fuck off
6
The obsession with mental health is part and parcel of the obsessive babying of people practiced by governments, local authorities and companies. It’s the same with the “heatwave”. Two days of very hot weather and a national emergency is called. The West needs to man up. The Chinese are laughing their heads off at the West.
5
Sorry. Wrong thread. Duh!
3
Still valid.
4
You are a gentleman, JP.
2
I know.
I’m only violent when there’s a full moon.
2
I worked for a large international construction company years ago and got sent on one of these wanky ‘induction and team building’ cuntfests just outside Milton Keynes for a week and after I had been on the cards over a year.
It was a residential course.
Having complained bitterly that I had actual work to do, I was informed that it is compulsory and I may learn something and enjoy it.
Couple of points to note here:
1. I am an engineer. I know everything and I don’t need a fucking team, or your acceptance. I’m a standalone unit who sorts out all your fuck ups.
2. I fucking hate people.
Having gotten seriously pissed off with this pointless shit, I was told in no uncertain terms to either go on the course or deal with the HR witches.
I chose the course.
It was the usual crowd of cunts. Wet behind the ears newbies, brown nosers, football loving cunts and me. The most argumentative and anti corporate cunt on the plant.
After the first lunch session, I figured out that this was to be a vegetarian establishment, as luncheon was couscous, salad and rice.
To add insult to injury, the bar didn’t open until the day’s session was done. At 17.30. Gaaaarrrrrr!!!
Day two, I found the local pub about five miles away and had gammon, egg and chips for lunch. Washed down with a couple of pints.
Day three. As part of a team, propel an egg the furthest distance without breaking it while all team members are behind the launch line.
No problem.
Went back to my cell, boiled the egg in the complimentary kettle for 5 minutes and then as all the other wankers were busily breaking their eggs left, right and centre, casually drove the company Mondeo onto the croquet lawn and instructed one of the wet wipes to stick the egg in the glove box. Which was filled with bogroll.
I then proceeded to fuck off to the aforementioned pub, churning up with croquet lawn with a decent and very long wheelspin, for lunch, dinner and about six pints. Only returning after the bar had opened at the death camp of tolerance.
I was removed from the course the next day and given a written warning.
Something about ‘behaviour outside of our corporate identity’ and causing thousands of pounds of damage to the croquet lawn.
Never got sent on one of those ‘courses’ again.
The egg had travelled ten miles. So team Odin won that little contest.
6
In moderation? Really?
0
If only they handed out real uzis instead of the pathetic bb paint guns.
I give thanks every day for the freedom of self employment…
4
I’m the same about early retirement, best thing I ever did, although the cunts responsible for moving the state pension retirement age, which delayed mine by almost 2 years, I hope when they descend to Hell, they are boiled in tar and screaming for eternity.
5
Does Bukkake count as a
Team building excercise?
3