First off the bat, I can’t drive! Not legally anyway because I have a spatial awareness problem. So I leave all the driving to the missus while I tootle around on a motorbike!
But what always amazes me is how the wife can judge how to park between two cars in a carpark, or parallel park between two cars on a road, or negotiate her way down a narrow one-way street with cars parked either side.
Her sense of spatial awareness is absolutely awesome and she doesn’t even rely on the audio/visual sensors on the dash console to guide her in.
But on the flip side is how other drivers have little or no idea how to park their car between two white lines on a supermarket carpark, for example. More often than not they come in at an angle and cross the lines and park, which means the spaces either side becomes impossible to use.
Or you come back from the supermarket pushing a laden trolley to find your perfectly parked car is blocked by a cunt who has parked so close to either the driver side or passenger side that you can’t open them and you just know the door panel will have been dinged by the cunt opening his door without a thought in his empty head.
Then you get cunts who parallel park so close up your backside that you find yourself in a position where you can’t reverse/forward out of your spot without crunching the cunt behind you.
Then there’s those entitled cunts, the Karens, who seem to think disabled spaces and “parent and child” spaces really mean “That means me then!” despite not being visually/mentally disabled or having a child with them. But because they can’t be arsed to walk a few extra yards they think they have the divine right to park more or less right outside the store’s doors!
And don’t get me started on those cunts who park in the middle of a one way street, thus blocking the road; and cunts who park on the pavement thus blocking pedestrians from getting through without having to walk on the road first.
That said, the way things are going on only the rich and well-connected will be able to drive cars in the near future. Problem solved.
Nominated by: Technocunt
I take your drivers who can’t park for shit AND raise you-drivers with trailers or caravans who can’t reverse for shit!
I would say 75% of drivers are pretty ropey, regardless of age, sex or ethnicity.
How many folk would admit to being a shit driver?
All road users should be forced to ride a 49cc moped for a year, before a provisional licence to drive a car is issued.
I of course am a magnificent driver-currently doing 85mph on the bypass, as I type this on my phone👍
16
CG@ 85mph?
That’s tje height of irresponsibility – you need a few whiskies to settle your nerves like I do before barreling down the M62 at 130mph in the panzer!
And don’t talk to me about “parking” – when I do it the cops call it “crashing”!
Shifty no good fkin cops..
Can’t drive, park, reverse?
Learn or get off the road! – and don’t even fucking start me on 19mph dawdlers – being stuck behind one does turn me mildly homicidal.
5
Pavement parking is the latest thing in my locale. Not only pavements, but green areas that were once the home to hundreds of crocuses – now churned up so it looks like the Somme. It’s usually cunts in suvs and fucking pick up trucks (mostly with cunt names like barbarian, thunder or some other bollocks).
17
It takes a special sort of cunt to drive one of those pickups. You can bet their other car is a Chrysler 300.
14
I’d never get in a vehicle containing a Sooty, an Arse-Bandit and a Jesus-Killer….this is because I have no desire to be stabbed, sexually molested and have finally have my wallet rifled.
20
How about a gay, black Jew? Is that the he stuff of your nightmares, Lord F?
The IsAC adaptation of “a Christmas Carol”-with your Lordship as Ebifoxchaser Scrooge, would have homosexual ghost of Christmas past, a Jewish ghost of Christmas present and an africunt asylum seeker as ghost of Christmas yet to come.
Being an upper class rural type, I imagine you have the ability to drive home perfectly well, after a “refreshing” stop at your favourite hostelry😉
The dings and scrapes, with various bright colours, on the Hilux, are purely work related battle scars…..
🤔
13
Joking aside…when it was all local Coppers,everyone up here used to drive home from the Pub….if you knocked a wall down,you’d go back and fix it the next day….if the local Copper attended,he’d just give you a lift home after checking that nobody was injured.
Morning,General
Morning,All
16
Sounds like rural Cumbria (south Lakeland) in the 80’s👍
The local gentry near us, never drove sober! The son, in his 30’s was a total work shy pisshead, who wrote off several 4×4’s and Volvo estates before he was prosecuted for driving “through” a caravan being towed. Seriously😂
The advantage of his ban, for me at least, being the “perks” I got for going on “off licence” runs for him, on my motorbike👍
13
” A gay,black Jew” ?….My God!!…does such a vision of Hell’s creatures actually exist ?….he wouldn’t be invited to turn out for my Rugby Club,that’s for fucking sure.
11
Sammy Davis Junior (AKA poofytarstein).
Ticks all the boxes m’lud.
7
PS…if such a vile creature did exist….I bet it would own a pushbike too.
9
Homosexual ghosts? …they give me the willies!!
11
PS…I have both a Hilux and a large SUV and I park like a total Cunt…dinky little piss-pot cars should respect the fact that I am probably on a much more important mission than them and keep out of my way…as should cripple-chariot jockeys who moan that they can’t get past me when I’m parked on the pavement…as I said to the yammering old Cunt…he undoubtedly had nowhere important to be so what did it matter if he had to wait until I’d nipped into the Pub for an hour or two….entitled,chippy Wanker.
22
When writing my nomination I carelessly omitted to declare Lord Fiddler was the exception to my ire, given his high standing within the community and privilege that far outreaches us mere mortals.
16
Techno: do you ride in rural Cumbria, 12 months of the year?
Been there. Done that.
Kudos👏
9
@CG
When I lived in Brum up until about 5 years ago I used to ride Kwakers like the ZZR600,ZXR600, GPz500/900; Honda Fireblade, VFR800 and a Suzi Hayabusa, more or less all year round bar really cold/icy mornings.
These days out here in the countryside I just tootle around on a Kwak Z650. Perfect for twisty country roads, and easy around town.
8
DF-F@ – Exactly! “being disabled” apparently gives people the right to be on occasion downright rude, so they appear to think – “Help! I can’t breathe!”
“Well get out from under my car then you whining cunt – you may have lost your legs, an arm and an eye in Afghanistan but you certainly haven’t lost that attitude problem have you young Man?”.
I think the lesson we can take from this is that the disabled need to work on their people skills..
6
DF-F@ Morning Sir Fiddler – is there any truth to the rumour that when you found your wallet it was empty apart from a note saying “payment finally made, regards, Goldstein & Sugar tailors, Saville Row”?
I of course could never comment on these scurrilous allegatiions! 😀
8
Yeah, those Romans…
2
Good nom Techno.
I think you’ve just about covered everything there.
The Chelsea tractor inflated lips brigade who take up two spaces without a seconds thought for any other road users are my particular favourite.
This also reminded me of the time myself and the Mrs were on holiday in Italy a few years ago – we were just strolling out of some nice little restaurant when we seen a local fella getting into his car only to find that the parked cars in front and behind, had completely sandwiched his car leaving him no chance of being able to manoeuvre his way out.
Without a seconds thought though, this crazy cunt just fired his motor up, basically shunted both cars out of the way using his own car’s bumpers and then drove away.
“Bellissimo” I thought.
21
The solution is to drive a Morgan. Small and nimble it fits into any parking space with ease. A Morgan three wheeler would be even better – you could park it on the pavement with minimum inconvenience to pedestrians. Of course the cars attract a herd of admirers who then clog up the pavements and adjacent parking spaces, but you could easily drive over them.
8
They’re all flat hats and no sense of humour.
5
Oh no. Quite the opposite. I have no flat hat. And Morgan owners are usually a very nice bunch of people.
6
With deep pockets😙
5
I wish !
4
Let’s face it. Driving standards in general have got worse, and I’m not talking about lunatic youngsters in Corsa’s that stink of weed or blue rinsers on the way to the post office. It’s the dithering slowness that’s apparent nowadays.
Could there be a link between mass immigration and poor driving standards? I only ask, as whenever I encounter such fuckwittery, the perpetrator appears to be darker than me.
20
I concur: traffic moving at 30 mph on a fast A road yesterday, on a section where it goes down to one lane-when it became a dual carriageway again and we all streamed past the slow moving vehicle, quell suprise-a fucking “20” plate Vauxhall, driven by the maid from Tom & Jerry🤔
17
I was shunted by one recently, he’s now claiming whiplash. I am, of course, celebrating the richness of the diversity around me.
11
So Long@ He can’t claim for shit if he was liable. I wonder if his “crash for cash” co-conspiritors told him that bit?
9
FMC@ They have to drive slowly – they have (yet another) hospital appointment and don’t want to get there too soon to discover they are pregnant and the victims of howwid waaycism..
6
M1 middle lane 30 40mph. Always dark key or Stanley! Usually a woman, or at least I think so. Can’t always tell can you with a baboon.
9
Yes, if it’s a W reg Toyota Corolla you can guarantee it’s a pàki.
M reg Hi Ace minibus? Stanleys.
6 shitty shaded folks stood behind the crash barrier on the M62,
Broken down Stanleys.
9
Slow drivers annoy me much more than bad parkers.
NOTHING more frustrating – and when I do get past (resisting the urge to shake my fist and rant at them) it always seems to be a yellow locust, a devil from the darkened continent or an elderly type.
90-140 is a comfortable cruising speed you dismal sluggards!
8
My Nissan has park pilot, I just push a button on the steering wheel and the car does the rest, it’s a brilliant system although I wish that cunts wouldn’t park so close to me in car parks so I can’t open my door to get in , cunts all of them
8
I attempted to provoke a Belgian hippy, who’d parked too close to my luxurious motorhome, only yesterday.
He just glared at me, through his wing mirror, as I opened my habitation area door against his vehicle.
Again and again and again 😂😂.
Belgian bastards.
I’d fuck his wife, though 💪😜
Good morning.
16
As is the right of all British to have their way with a Belgian lady, for winning Waterloo and liberating Belgium more than once.
9
You know of course that Belgians express their gratitude by loudly farting and burping? Not the Nine o’clock News said so. Just something to take into account before getting entangled with a Belgian lady.
7
JTC@ – Morning Jack – Belgian AND a hippy you say?
He may consider himself lucky to escape with his miserable life!
6
He was a weedy cunt, Vernon.
Probably as a result of years of lentil abuse 😀
4
Wimminz can’t park, it’s down to the fact they have no understanding of geometry whereas it comes naturally to most men, obviously not gays, sooties or camel shaggers.
12
Female par-keys are the worst….avoid at all costs…🚑
10
Also those cunts who park right next to your car in empty carparks! 😠
10
Don’t they just, why is that?
As for driving standards, guilty as charged, I am constitutionally unable to successfully reverse, the last two years have involved a car, lamppost, wall and a pile of pallets (which were in an otherwise empty fucking field).
Hangs head in shame.
11
Second only to ISaC is the English website youparklikeacunt.com I would recommend it to cunters for a laugh. Some of the examples are truly astounding and pictures can be contrbuted.
8
I’ve studied shit drivers for many years.
The main problem they have is that they do not grasp the basic concept that a vehicle pivots on an axis, thus being the centre of its rear axle/wheels.
It is also the point where the vehicle becomes closer and then further away from an object.
Without this knowledge everything else is going to go wrong.
As for people reversing caravans. It’s embarrassing watching sometimes.
A small single axle trailer is by far the worst thing to reverse. Take your eye off it for a split second and it’s gone!
I’m not a fan off using mirrors. Mirrors were hopeless on ‘50’s and ‘60’s lorries, they were just a token gesture, and cars never had them. So, it’s usually window down and head out of the window cattle truck style. It’s just a bad habit that has stuck with me.
I’m also guilty of pushing things out of the way with motors, so I don’t have to put another shunt in. Wheelie bins, shopping trollies, wood, and bits of crap around the yard,- it tidies places up.
And what is this bleep bleep shit when your reversing on new cars? It frightens you to death.
I thought I must be close, the bleeping is awful.
Got out to look, and I was nowhere near. It wasn’t my car, so I was being extra careful.
Is this bleep bleep shite making people’s parking worse through unnecessary panic?
I
11
Going off subject, I’ve got the shits.
I ate 6 slices of belly pork last night that had been in the fridge for at least 10 days. It was in a bag in the corner, I’d forgotten about it.
It was off a Saddleback, I thought I can’t waste it.
I was expecting some trouble, as the meat had gone very grey in colour.
9
You’ll lose some weight, just have a look,maybe a prod with the broom to make sure you haven’t shat out a kidney in the jetstream.
7
I quite enjoyed flushing the toilet and observing the water.
It looked like a ‘mini Ganges’ in the bottom of the pan. Brown water, with the odd solid bit dancing around on the surface.
7
You are Rudyard Kipling and I claim my £5 voucher for “Toilet Duck”😂😂😂👍
7
I pay £45 a year to park on my road but can rarely park on it due to selfish non permit holders taking two spaces up with their fucking BMW’s. I don’t what’s hard about parking up to the next car. Another sign of our ‘I’m alright Jack, pull the ladder up’ society we live in. Thoughtless, ignorant bastards.
8
Mrs KATG is fucking woeful at parking, and I have to get out of the car during the ‘event’, less her total ineptitude should cause me to boot the fuck out of her Hyundai.
6
My ex wife couldn’t park our little Nissan Micra to save her life. But a Vauxhall Omega estate, which was 17″ wider and 4′ longer? Effortless.
2
I meant reverse park.
1
About midday today I departed a multi-storey car park in the centre of Aylesbury, exit into the end of a cul-de-sac such that a left turn is the only option. Opposite the exit was a shiny red motor half way through the railings and nose down the embankment. It was apparent that the car had left the car park but failed to execute the essential left turn. Standing around it looking baffled, three or four stanleys.
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I sincerely hope you round the window down and pissed yourself laughing at their misfortune🤔
4
I confess, I did allow myself a little chuckle CG.
3
Stanley’s in Aylesbury? It used to be Italians. Was that the car park by the station opposite the bus depot?
It’s a hideous place now but a stomping ground for I in the 70’s.
I set off a mole smoke bomb on the stairs of the underground market one time,fuck me, the ensuing hoo-ha was something else.
2
Yeah, that’s the one Morello.
0
I went to Morrisons yesterday and someone had parked their stupid mini about 6 inches from my door. Not to be dissuaded, I opened it as far as it would go and kept on trying. As part of my mission to educate, I firmly folded in their motorised wing mirror (gosh they’re hard to manipulate by hand these days!) And for good measure and to show her the error if her ways, I carefully tucked my fag end behind the windscreen wiper.
All part of the service.
5
Yes. I can confirm that it definitely wasn’t me, about 20 years ago, that left a sizeable dent in the passenger door of an expensive Audi, which did the same thing, by opening the driver’s door of a £300 Astra at high speed. Several times. With some force and not a little ire. Honestly, it wasn’t me guv. Oddly enough, there wasn’t a scratch on the Astra’s door edge. At least, not a new one that I noticed.
4
I often used to holiday in Spain and the Balleriacs.
Fuck me, those Spaniards couldn’t half parallel park!
They’d wizz their motor into a space that looked a foot too small in 3 manoeuvres, no problem.
Their driving is shite, lane discipline is like a serving suggestion, but their ability to parallel park is outstanding.
3
Had a Barney with the missus last night. We went to a local Northamptonshire hostelry to have a meal with my step daughter and her fella. On the way back she was driving because id had 3 pints of local. Driving along a country lane on the way back through a small village she did no more than drive straight across the main Northampton A road without even slowing down. I had my face in my phone and just happened to look up as we were right on the junction. I went fucking berserk. Apparently it was my fault because I make her nervous when I’m passenger.
2
On Monday Cuntsville , I went to the aid of a neighbour who had arrived home to find a note on the front door by his wife advising him to go round the back because she had broken off her key in the front door lock. Managed to retrieve the situation and fitted a new lock.
She was adamant it was his fault.
5