Slug Pellets Ban

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Slug and snails, and…

Imagine my surprise when I read this.

https://www.countryliving.com/uk/homes-interiors/gardens/a39606324/slug-pellets-banned-uk/

Nothing in the press or on TV, just ” banned”. I thought it was an April Fool, but no, it’s really real.

Now, I’m not much of a gardener, benign neglect seems to work. I don’t bother them and they don’t bother me.

My front gardens lovely ( stop sniggering) but all I do is remove the cat shit and lop the twiggy bits off every so often. The back is mainly grass and a few pots which Sis sorts on her weekly visits, but the side return has a couple of plants, put there by my late partner, and a slug magnet.

If I can’t put the blue pellets down, what do I do? Advice on line is put a piece of cardboard down, slugs and snails go under it for shade, then lift it and dispose. How? And, who wants shitty bits of cardboard all over?

Maybe I should buy a flamethrower.

Nominated by: Jeezum Priest

86 thoughts on “Slug Pellets Ban”

  2. I feel sorry for slugs.

    They’re homeless snails that nobody gives a fuck about.

    They fought in the insect and mollusc wars and a few of them got PTSD and went on the piss. They’re the ones you see drinking themselves to death in the little jars of beer put out in the garden. Lost their wives, kids and homes. Nobody cares.

    Then they let all these fucking foreign slugs in the best cabbage patch in the garden and give them snail homes/shells.

    It’s a fucking disgrace!

    (Disclaimer: It’s just a joke btw, I think it’s a very real disgrace how homeless ex servicemen are treated 🙂

    • But yes, beer in a small container that the slug can easily climb into kills them.

      And they die happy I suppose.

      • Do they have a preference?
        An IPA, or stout, perhaps an artisan ale from a trendy micro brewery, or will cheap shite from Aldi do the trick?
        I can see the feral cats staggering about in the middle of the road and getting pancaked.
        Maybe I should stick with the flame thingy, I do live in Sheffield.

      • If you put booze out (only needs a bit) then they make a beeline for it like a bunch of Glaswegian dockers and steelworkers smelling the local pub opening its doors as they clock off, the fucking pissheads.

        They keep drinking until they die. Proper 70s rock star shit.

      • And yes, cheap piss from Aldi is fine. Clean out an empty half can of tuna and use a few of those scattered about.

        Your garden will resemble a molluscy 1970s Led Zeppelin hotel suite by the next afternoon.

      • Thank you, CB.
        Slugs really are a problem.
        I can’t even use ( legally) my remaining supplies, apparently.

      • It’s a cunt granted and I hate wasting beer, so just use cheap piss from Aldi/Netto. I almost fill the half cans up and most die from supping it quite quickly. They love the smell of booze apparently.

        There are some ‘George Best’ snails who won’t die easily, but if you make it deep enough (their body height), they fall in pissed and drown.

        If reincarnation exists, George would love to be a snail in my garden.

      • My slugs are quite partial to a Farmer’s Blonde (Bradfield Brewery).
        However they also enjoy a pint of shitty carlsberg from the Bankers Draft.

  4. As slugs are brown and black and generally despised, they’ve banded together and have had slug pellets defined as ‘racist’.
    SLM!

  5. Am surprised the ecoloons and animal rights protestors are not out in force gluing their heads to roads demanding “Slugs/Snails Live Matter”

    But of course these groups are very selective in what they’re trying to protect. Foxes, badgers and other cuddly things most definitely. But fuglies like slugs, worms, Gary Lineker, snails, rats, spiders, wasps all seem to get a pass, probably because they’re right ugly dangerous little fuckers!

    • Ale.
      Slugs are like students.
      Lazy, and cant handle their drink.
      Or if youve a pond, frogs.
      Frogs eat all kinds of garden pests.
      Just realised, your from Sheffield,
      probably haven’t got a pond.

      Mines exquisite.

      In fact my garden is breathtaking.
      Arches, blooms, bees buzzing,
      Birds tweeting,
      Gorgeous.

      No problems with slugs in my garden, theyd be embarrassed to set foot there.

      I walk through my country cream artisan made gate and its like entering heaven…

      • Bullshit! They don’t have gardens like that oop north. They’re all full of old car parts, pigeon lofts and kennels for the whippets. Coronation Street doesn’t fool me!

      • Freddie @

        Its like kew gardens but without all the fishfaced japs staring and taking photos.

        Most round here have nice gardens, we keep it quiet so not to get coach loads of southerners coming to rubberneck, hankies on their heads,
        Shirl and the kids in tow,
        Eating eels and drinking Watneys on our manicured camomile lawns.

      • Strangely enough, my next door neighbour has a pond, and they’ve created a running stream effect.
        It’s very clever, and the sound of running water is so soothing.
        Unfortunately, the herons had the carp in days of them being installed.

      • Quote – “Just realised, your from Sheffield”

        how very dare you! Are you on the piss? Have you got the right post? Expect to find your country cream artisan gate defaced by a million slugs and snails anytime soon!

        Sheffield, indeed!

      • Techno, I’m from Sheffield.
        MNC has an artisanal country cream gate.
        I have a 7 foot plain wood one, secured with 2 padlocks and a deadbolt!

      • Oops, sorry Techno.
        But I do have a 7foot gate, etc, got to keep the neds out somehow, or at least make it hard, so they go and Rob someone less defended.

      • JP@
        I don’t need a 7ft gate,
        I have a akita.
        And a felling axe .

        This is made common knowledge.
        😁

      • Wish I did, I have a chihuahua, don’t half bark though, already run a couple of chances off because of him.
        But I’d be better off setting my cat on them!

      • @Freddie

        Of course, we were forgetting you lot darn sarf, have hoity toity gardens full of roses, rhododendrons and pansies.

        Jemimah and Tristian wouldn’t be seen dead hosting a garden tea party if their lawn wasn’t suitably lah-de-dah enough!

        Bloody southerners!

      • Mary Wesley wrote some rather good novels, including The Camomile Lawn. She was quite good at the smutty bits… It was televised, IIRC Felicity Kendal (phwoar!!) starred…

  7. “No garden wildlife can be considered as pests” says a RHS spokesman. Obviously a cunt who has never had a swarm of wasps build a tree nest in their garden. This poof’s arse won’t be very attractive to his “civil partner” when it’s covered in wasp stings. It fucking hurts an’ all.
    (Or should that be anal?)

    • My thoughts exactly Freddie. Wasps are utter cunts. We had a massive nest in the loft once and the pest control man who got rid of it reckoned there were 30,000 of the fuckers in there. Mrs Twatt even got stung on the arse while asleep in bed. Rather cramped her style for a week that did.

      When I get around to it I’m going to nominate wasps for a cunting.

    • I think I’ve found a suitable device.
      It’s not a flame thrower, but a weed killing device that, apparently, heats up and kills the roots of weeds at high temperatures.
      I shouldn’t imagine it does slugs or snails a lot of good, either.

      • I recently bought one of those and a big bottle of butane. All weeds in my gravel drive were incinerated today. Saved hours. Brilliant thing. Don’t fancy using it at night to torch slugs myself, imagine it would stink and you’d need a good light, but doable. I got the wand thingy from EBay- cheaper than Screwfix.

      • Nothing like fire for having fun is there lady and gents? My wife has one of those devices which she calls a “weed wand”. Have had great fun with it and nowhere near a weed. When I was young gas cookers commonly had a gas taper on a flexible pipe used to light the oven from the pilot light on the hob. It didn’t take us long to put a couple of inches of water in the bottom of a two gallon bucket and immerse the gas taper so that you filled the bucket with gas filled foam. Then you stood clear and threw in a lighted match. Oh what fun we had.

    • Well, it has occurred to me, since that announcement, that I could do exactly that with the bits of slug/snail encrusted cardboard, as advised by the RHS, carefully packed in a wooden crate and labelled
      “Emergency Supplies for Refugees”

      • JP@ – If there are only a couple of plants that attract the Abbotts (see what I did there? 😀👍) circle the plants with crushed egg shells – and don’t let any hounds near the slugs – they try and snaffle them and slugs carry some very nasty parasites which can be fatal to dogs.

      • It’s like slug city on morning dog walk, if it’s a bit damp, fortunately Bram is far too busy trying to snaffle the remains of last nights kebab and chips from the local shithole, sorry I meant fast food emporium, to bother with slugs.

  10. Keep a pet French man in the garden, the slugs are almost as tasty as snails.

    • That won’t work. The Frenchie needs 4 hours for lunch, sleeps the rest of the day and will surrender in the end anyway.

  11. I told my Dad that slug pellets had been banned the other day. He laughed.

    Told him I was actually serious and he laughed again.

    He went to the shed and came back with a 5kg tub.

    “Should last me a lifetime, son”.

    He is 78, bless him. It probably will.

    • Yes, make sure he doesn’t use them anywhere visible, though.
      You really aren’t allowed to use them, never mind buy them.

      • His neighbours are all good Jeezum.

        One of them I went to school with and the other side are salt of the earth types.

        I’m more worried about the Belladonna he has been growing to be honest.

      • Liberty caps grow in meadows Jeezum..

        What do you think we are. Northumbrian landowners with vast estates?

  12. Perhaps we could ask Flabbot, Butler or W.C.Bogg’s secret lover, Anal eazy Dodds, to act as scarecrows?

    That would scare the shit out of almost anything invading one’s garden!

  14. When slugs have eaten most of the UKs vegetable crop, please tell me, will it be Soylent Green for tea?, or will the “Eco Loons” only import their fruit and veg from countries that can still use slug pellets, I’m actually curious about this act of “national suicide” forced upon the peoples of this island by the WEF and the legions of the “Mayfair Marxists”!!!

    • Slightly off-topic, but as soon as you mentioned “Mayfair” I had an instant flashback to my teen years and buying my very first softp0rn mag from the local newsagents – and it was indeed Mayfair!

      Anyway, moving on…..

  15. Slug pellets ban?
    Take their air rifles instead – that will teach the slimy fkers!
    Shifty no good slugs – probably shot all those pellet holes through the greenhouse of the neighbour who threatened me with a kicking when I was 12.
    He got shut the fuck up when I was 15 though! 😀👍

  16. They banned them so you didn’t use them on the so called civil service. Fucking useless slugs.

  17. Techno’s take on slimy pests really made me laugh.
    Gary Lineker, could probably lure him into a fatal trap using crushed crisps.
    Cake for Boris..

  18. Copper deters the fuckers,thus, deck your lawns and paths in copper sheet and laugh when the itinerant snail types feck off to bother the neighbours instead.
    It also looks splendid on a sunny day and at the height of Summer, makes an ideal and free, frying pan for your tripe and onion butty fillings.

  20. Tripe and onion?
    A very Southern thing, along with jellied eels, pie/mash and liquor ( I don’t want to know, the very word makes my guts revolt).
    What’s up with fish, chips and mushy peas?
    Get that salt and vinegar on!

  21. I’ve got about a million tadpoles in my pond. I’ve already rehomed some to friends and the pond over the forest. They turn into voracious little carnivore froglets and are partial to a mollusc or two. Send me a self-addressed envelope with a jam-jar in it and you’re welcome to some.

    • You’ve missed a trick there, Lord C.
      ” send a self-addressed ‘padded’ envelope, and enclosing a £10 note, with lidded container”
      and your welcome to some!
      Never miss an opportunity to make a buck, and if they enjoy molluscs, everyones a winner.

  22. Slugs are the least of our worries.

    We have more menacing pests in this country.

    No pellets available for those unfortunately.

    • Lord S.
      I think it may take a little more than DDT to rid the UK of these particular unwelcome pests.

      • I think you are right J.P. But at least snails, & maybe slugs aways return to where they come from. Unlike all those others that have made they way here, & won’t fuck off! The slimey cunts!

  24. Copper strips around Hosta’s and other slug magnets, works a treat-as does surounding them with coarse, horticultural grit👍

    Re: Beer traps.
    Either a bowl or jam jar, sunk into the ground, half filled with a “dark ale” mixed with brown sugar, works well.

    Slugs are indeed cunts-though not as bad as misguided law makers👎

    You have not been charged for yet another, IsAC Top Tip👍

    • CG, it’s the Hostas.
      My other half weren’t a plant person, but wanted summat to call their own.
      Sis recommended Hostas, and I feel I need to keep them going, for my partners memory.
      Daft, innit?

      • Not daft at all, and totally understandable. These are pretty easy to keep. Chop down old leaves in early spring to allow new shoots to appear. Re pot if necessary in a larger pot. Sprinkle sand around to keep slugs at bay (I’ve also used vinegar +/ salt to keep the cnts at bay). They’re pretty hardy. Thats coming from a fellow non green fingered type. Good luck.

      • Yes, my partner didn’t have a green finger.
        Not at all.
        Just a brilliant mind.

  25. The cunts once ate my prize “hemp plants” one night. I wasn’t prepaired for that! My fault though, because I left them out. The only real funny bit was the trail that was left. It resembled a stricken ship trying to dodge torpedoes!

  26. Edited to add, anything banned will probably be available in the pound shop and B&Ms, Home Bargains and such like, for some time to come. It’s how these shops exist. Apparently. Stockpile in there. Then I guess look to YouTube American homesteading / survival types. Sad but true. Rule Britannia.

  27. I thought we had a massive slug in our garden once so I followed the trail only to discover it was the legless woman next door.

  28. s an afterthought, I once had a conversation with a multiple Chelsea/RHS Gold Medal winning Hosta grower, who told me they boil garlic cloves and then use the garlic/water mixture as a very effective slug deterrent.

    Not just vampires then🤔

    Worth a try.

    On a different tack-Saturday evenings used to be the busiest time of the week on IsAC-lately it’s been like a ghost town😢

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