Kinder Surprise

Loved by small children, and apart from the “choking on small parts” warning, apparently loved by parents.

I, personally, have never bought any of my darling girls a Kinder egg with its trashy surprise. But Kinder have somehow managed to put more than a one yen piece of plastic in the egg.

Welcome to salmonella.

The unhappy surprise.

Nominated by: Jeezum Priest

47 thoughts on “Kinder Surprise

  1. Loved by drug dealers the world over….these eggs sometimes hold a stoner suprise.

    • That the Belgians idea of fun.
      Food poisoning &free hospital visit.

      Willy Wonka must be spinning in his shallow grave.

      Never trust a continental.

      • I love your way with words MNC. I nearly spit my Yorkshire tea out. Have you ever considered stand up?

  2. Expect to see photos in the media of parent(s) with child and glum unhappy faces while holding up a Kinder Egg, with mommy saying “My child almost died. I am traumatised. Devastated even. it is shocking in this day and age. We need some compo. We think we’re entitled! (Will that do?)”

    Last week it was children shouldn’t be allowed to eat daffodils, and now its these terribly sickly Kunter Eggs… next week no one will be allowed to eat anything for fear of becoming ill!

    • Nanny state.
      If kids want to eat daffodils let em.
      Counts towards their 5 a day.

      • You’re not allowed to call it the “nanny” state, might offend the usual suspects.

        Instead we may have to call it the “The Unitary, Fact-Verified, Non-Biased, All-Gender-Inclusive Authority”

  3. A surprise ingredient that can cause choking in young children,eh?…..They should change it’s name to The Prince Andrew Tonsil-Tickler.

    PS…a good dose of salmonella’ll probably be the best thing for the benefit-sponging brats…get some of the flab off them.

  4. The little toys that they put in the eggs has driven a huge business.

    I met a guy who used to design the plastic shite given away with McDonald’s kids ‘meals’.

    He told me that billions of tiny toys were produced every week.
    Huge shipping containers full of the fuckers.

    The stuff that Kinder call chocolate should be banned as it is so fucking awful.
    Parents buying this shit are guilty of child abuse.

  5. I just hope Ed Balls didnt buy any for Mini-Cooper over the holiday – perhaps thats why we haven’t seen her this week?. She’s probably sitting on the lavatory seat fading away to nothing as she throws up on Ed’s dancing shoes.

  6. No need to waste this batch of eggs. There’s plenty of hungry children in Ethiopia who’d be happy to receive them and at least then they’d neither make it on to a UK-bound dinghy or be able to have 27 children.

    • Capital idea, relable them Khalifate eggs and hand them out for free to peaceful children just in time for Eid. That’d be an awful mess they leave on the rug.

  7. That creepy, sleepy Yank president likes a bit of Kinder. Or is that Wethers? Or Kindergarten?

  8. It’s bound to be the Chinkies behind it all. You can’t trust those bastards.

    • With a name like Kinder surprise I reckon this was devised by blonde people in a compound somewhere in Brazil.

  9. The “septics” think these are more dangerous than an AK47, and they’re probably right, never seen a kid catch salmonella off a 44 magnum, lead poisoning perhaps but never salmonella!!!

  10. More chocolate should come with a adrenaline rush.
    Cadburys Russian roulette bar.
    One in every 100,000 contains ‘novachoc’!

    Botulism bounty bar
    Ecoli KitKat
    Gastroenteritis galaxy

    The treats you can eat between meals!

    They melt in your mouth
    And drip down your leg.

    • Someone sort-of beat you to one of those, there was a chocolate Russian Roulette thing being sold a couple of years back where the bullet was a beastie loaded with Carolina Reaper in amongst a number of same looking bland, boring old chocolate mini bars.

      Being a lover of all things chilli, and also being a complete and utter bastard with a birthday party coming up, I bought some…a lot, actually…and filled a couple of bowls with them at the party.

      Seriously, the way the pathetic drama queens fucking acted when they bit the tiny Reaper laced bullets it might as well have been deadly Novachoccie.

      Fucking 8 year olds, eh?, they’re brought up with all the benefits of living in a gloriously multicultural society and yet they can’t handle a wee bit of chilli in their chocolate…

  11. The MilkyBar Kid was a bit of a cunt back in the day. I bet Jimmy Saville loved a good milky bar on a kid.

    Then there was the Milk Tray Man. Those 70s ads always pissed me off. I mean there we are, some bloke dressed in black dives into shark-infested waters, climbs aboard a yacht probably patrolled by Peacefuls, and then leaves a nice box of chocs for some ungrateful old bag we never get to see before pissing off again!

    TV ads like that would never happen today of course, or if it did it would be Tom Daley doing all the ducky and diving (see what I did there?) with his personfriend.

    • These days Milk Tray Man would leave some low calorie tofu and a pass to the male/female/fish “re-alignment” clinic.

      He would then be arrested for posting pictures of his gender stereotyping on Facecunt and be arrested by Rainbow Plod who are busy trying to ignore real crime.

    • I would love a rerun of the classic ads – imagine the scene: The Reverend Starmers Young People’s disco – there they all are, “men”, women, and don’t knows all dancing to the Mandy mince, but there in a corner is AnalEase Dodds, all alone.

      Bendover Bradshaw goes up to the Revd Starmer and asks “Why is she always alone?” and there comes the whispered answer “B.O” – then she see her taking a bath with a bar of Lifebuoy.

      Then there is the one where Keir and Mandy are walking across a frosty street, arm in arm, intoning “Hot Chocolate, Hot Chocolate, Drinking Chocolate”.

      We will draw a discreet veil over the washing power one where Eddie Izzard is standing outside the Co-Op in Middlesex asking women if they would “like to try the ‘two for one’ swap”.. His case comes up next week.

  12. Kinder surprise 😂

    A mate of mine was being treated like shit at a countrystore, where he worked.

    It was situated next to a large Prep school-the yummy mummy’s often popped in with their brats.

    Knowing he and several other “students” were going to be laid off at Christmas, he decided to take revenge.

    They had a “Santa’s Grotto”, with a member of the managers family, playing Father Christmas.’

    All the kids got a crappy colouring book and crayons, and a toy-wrapped in appropriate paper: blue & pink.

    You can guess what he did 👍

    I can imagine the reaction of the middle class parents, as their precious angels tore open the packaging, to reveal various well thumbed, hardcore porno mags, liberated from the warehouse staff shed😀

    Now that’s what I call, a fucking “Kinder surprise”

    • Morning CG, aaah, what halcyon times! Shame our kids/grandkids are never going to experience the unadulterated joy of finding some discarded grumble underneath some bush when you were building a den.
      I once found an intact, dry copy of ‘Whitehouse’…almost the holy grail of mags to a 13 year old in the mid-80’s, second only to the mag you’d only heard about in the playground or from elder brothers: Swedish Erotica.
      I’d love to thumb through a 35 year old copy of Razzle or Fiesta…imagine what those Readers’ Wives look like now!

      • Even as a 12 year old, I had very high standards: Penthouse, Playboy & Men Only👍

        Morning Thomas / all👍

      • Back in the day there was no such thing as bikini line waxing, I still have nightmares about choking on an extra bushy beaver. Today’s interesting fact, pubic lice are in danger of becoming extinct as a result of the depilation trend. I should go to extinction rebellion protests with a placard reading “Save the pubic lice, grow back your muff!” Would be the sanest person there.

      • I like a nice bush for the simple reason that it let’s me know I’m with a woman and not a little girl.

      • Mayfair, Men Only and Club International, were my 3 “Investigation of full nudity of wimminz for scientific research” magazines back in the late 70s, early 80s. Not least for pics of :-

        Linzi Drew
        Maria Whittaker
        Jane Warner
        Jo Guest
        Sam Fox

      • I think Viz did a word in the Profannisaurus for the feeling when you see a coloured magazine in a hedge in the distance, only to find it is an Argos catalogue, rather than a jazz mag, when you get there.

      • I’ve had a search, Mi’Lord, Through my, ahem I mean a borrowed copy.
        Although I remember this, it must have been post edition one.

    • In fucking moderation! That was just about the least offensive thing I have ever said!

      (No idea what happened there. But your comment is back from the dead – Day Admin)

    • Reminds of those smart-arse electronics students somewhere who re-programmed a load of Furbies to swear like troopers when the kids used them. What happened to students – they never do things like that now.

  13. Kinder first originated in Germany, therefore it has Nåzi links.
    The Hun will do anything for revenge. 😁

    • The Germans are talking about increasing spending on the army, but say they have no immediate plans to invade Poland. It’s the Kinder 4th reich xyklon b eggs we should worry about. Didn’t realise the egg was supposed to be edible, thought it was just a receptacle for the shitty toy until it gets binned.

  14. Anyone brave enough to suck the Kinder Eggs out of Analaze Dodds’ two clogged up and very crusty holes?

  15. Salmonella in eggs? Supprised a company the size of Kinder, never saw that one coming.

  16. Where do they use egg in the production of Kinder Eggs? Is egg used as an emulsifier in the chocolate? Not heated up to the right temperature?

    “When the beans reach a chocolate factory, they are roasted. This will kill any salmonella on the beans. But if salmonella is present on the raw beans it can potentially be a source of contamination.”

    Strange how it has coincided with a rise in hepatitis in children. Are the two linked?

    This could be a problem as big as the 1964 Aberdeen typhoid outbreak:

    Kinder Eggs are made by Ferrero who also make Kinder Beuno and Nutella. 1/3 of the worlds hazelnuts are used by this company. Ferrero is one of the largest privately owned companies in the world. You cannot buy shares in Ferrero. Maybe a disgruntled employee undercooked the chocolate or went to the toilet and didn’t wash their hands properly afterwards.

  17. I can’t join with this cunting, back in the mid eighties as a student, one avenue of pleasure shared my girlfriend and I was the occasional purchase of a Kinder egg. We built up quite a collection of plastic tat ( the toys were much better back then!). One day we assembled our latest acquirement only to discover it was missing a part. I penned a suitable letter to the people at Kinder and a couple of weeks later we received 20 or so free Kinder eggs. Never ate the faux chocolate stuff to be fair….

    • I’m boycotting ALL Kinder products.
      If one’s dodgy, so are all the rest.
      Shame, I liked the Bueno bars.

Comments are closed.