Holding In Farts

We’ve all been there. Holding in a fart at work or when on a date. Maybe at a funeral. Or a job interview.

Well, it seems you should just let rip because holding in farts can put you in hospital. Some Brazilian ‘model’ (nice body but has tats so I’d rather have a wank) was too shy to parp in front of her boyfriend and ended up in hospital. Mind you, some birds might end up that way too if they fart in front of their man (if he’s a cunt).

I once held in a huge fart after scoring with an absolute fucking stunner in my younger years. Natural blonde, perfect body, really bonnie face. We ended up at her house after the club closed and got down to some serious foreplay on her sofa. She then led me to her bedroom and got into bed. I could’ve snapped bricks in half on me nob at that point. Anyway I had this massive fart building up and it was hurting (obviously didn’t tell her this). I asked where her loo was. She said next door. I soon realised the shitter had thin walls and was within a few feet of the headboard. I could hear her move in bed. I realised I couldn’t let it go and just flushed, washed my hands and got into bed.

But I was in so much pain by now that I couldn’t do it. I ended up leaving, telling her I was ill (sort of true). I got a taxi and by now needed a big shit too. I got home just in time. I let rip and it ended up being a massive silent one with no shite at all. I was devastated. But I bet if I’d tried to let it go at her house, it would’ve set off car alarms for miles around. She didn’t bother seeing me again when I called her a few days later, unsurprisingly.

Yes, having to hold in farts is a horrible thing, but having your lady let rip or even sell her farts (yes, the link includes some tart doing this too) isn’t ideal either.



Nominated by Cuntybollocks

59 thoughts on “Holding In Farts

    • Last time I tried that it made a really high pitched note that sounded like a large, angry Wasp. Still, at least it got a chuckle from the Bishop!

  1. I’m not sure I can cope with this level of loss.
    I can sense even after all these years the level of grief you feel at not getting in up to the maker’s name plate.
    And then to find you were being tricked by a shadow shite must have been unbearable.
    Allow me to express my shared sense of being fucking gutted.

    PS:this happened to me with a brass in Amsterdam but I just took a big shit in her tiny toilet then got on with the job in hand.

    Maybe there is a charity that can reach out to us?

  2. Sounds like the kind of bullshit story they use to fill up the media space these days. I’ll leave it if you don’t mind….you can stick it up your arse, if you can find the room.

  3. Gone with the Wind, so to speak!
    Nice story. Put me right off my breakfast of course. But I also guess that if we all let rip when needed the eco-police would come round and arrest you for polluting the air.

    • My idea of foreplay nowadays consists of farting and holding mrs Miserables head under the covers.

      Farting is English humour at its best🇬🇧

      Ive never heard a fart and not grinned

      • You wouldn’t grin if you were ever near one of my hangover farts. Ever caught a whiff of the drains being cleaned out?

  4. I was once in a pub and dropped something horrific – I knew it would be biblical in its biliousness so I slowly sidled away whilst pulling faces and staring accusingly at someone I did not particularly care for.
    Worked a treat it did – everyone blamed him for the eye watering horror I had just produced! 😀👍

    • I have done this many times. The poor innocent cunt takes on your embarrasment. However, I’ve also slipped up when the surreptitious air expulsion is followed by a wet slimy residue of shite and shows through one’s trousers. Walk backwards towards the exit nonchalantly.

  5. Why didn’t you take the chance to be the “wacky guy” who she will never forget,no matter how disappointing ( in your case…huge,I suspect) the subsequent porking?……Bend over in front of her,lighter between the legs and set it alight…just imagine her gasps of admiration as you light up the room like a Russian soldier flame-throwing a children’s hospital.
    Doesn’t really matter if you are mistaken and it turns out to be a phantom-fart…the lighter will help illuminate the scene for her as the turtle’s-head emerges and you dump yer load on her bedroom floor.

    Be it lit-fart or pile of shit…you’ll never be forgotten.

    Glad to help.

      • “it’s a race and I’ve never lost”..only because you’ve “run yer race” before the starting-pistol is even fired,I suspect.

      • You seem far too obsessed with my orgasms this morning, my liege. One hopes that one has not been inflicted with an outburst of the fruitiness.

      • I’m actually thinking of trannying….I saw a Pub in m local town has a “3 for the price of 2” offer on drinks for “Ladies Night”…we must all look to make economies in these worrying times and a gutfull of Guinness and Bushmills doesn’t come cheap…besides,I’ll be in the perfect position to make advantage if some Tart passes out in the toilet.

      • Sounds like a plan.

        I’ve sadly lost my boy band looks nowadays and wouldn’t be able to pull a lass like that now. Although I’m still much more handsome than most on here, I’m sure (not the highest bar, granted. Like being the best looking in Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ video).

        Indeed, I bet she wouldn’t let me climb on top of her in my current vintage, but I bet she’s an old boot now too. I recall she was even 3 years older than myself.

        I’d rather keep my memories of her, no matter how sad, as they were. I’d hate to bump into her now and see her as an old bag. For that reason alone, one hopes she’s topped herself or summat. It just wouldn’t be fair on me to see her as a hideous old trout.

  6. To the O.P: Why didn’tyou let it go AS you flushed the lavatory.

    I regret to say the spouse has no such inhibitions – she has farted in front of her chiropodist, she has farted practically in the face of her GP. She frequenly farts after she has partaken of a packet of wagon wheels. I forbid her these days to eat licquorice comforts – I don’t know if it is the content of the licquorice, which can be used in cases of constipation (try it on Dame Kweer – he looks in pemanent need of a good purge). Worst of the lot is that she sometimes has occassion to use hemerroidal ointment – a fart laced with Germaloids ointment can make you want to heave.

    Hope you are all enjoying your breakfasts. Good morning.

    • I did consider the flush/quack combo, but I’d estimated that the fart was going to be much longer than the flush. And far, far louder.

  7. ‘Tis strange how, after hundreds of thousands of years, we still find it socially unacceptable to just let one go. Maybe it’s the smell?

    Can just imagine it:

    Interviewer: So Mr. Smith, why should I hire you?

    Mr Smith: Well I have over five (QUA-ACK!) years’ experience and my references are (Pop pop pop pop poppoppoppppshhhhhhh) excellent.

    Interviewer: I see. Let’s role play. The CEO is out and a major client (PAARP!) calls. You take the call and the client says he’s not going to renew his contract with us. We stand to lose 50 million in revenue. What now?

    Mr Smith: I’d listen to the client’s reasons for not renewing first. Then I’d say what we can do to fix these problems. If needed, I may offer incentives for (BRRRRRRrrraaAAAAAPP!) staying with (Squueakk!!) us.

    Interviewer: Excellent. You’re hired. (Shhhhhhhhh).

    Mr Smith: Great! What’s the (bbbrrrrRrrAAAAAAAP!) pension scheme like?

    • A sombre moment,
      A shakespearian speech where the audience is silent
      Will you marry me?
      Hes dead mrs Smith

      All the best moment for comedic timing to let out a massive roaring fart.

  8. Mexico has the highest density and toxicity of farts on the international stage.

    Little Pedro the average Mexican has a diet rich in beans,onions, chilis, peppers.

    This combined with with mariachi music forments in his tummy like venom in a cobras venom glands.

    Its a natural defense against gringo border guards, immigration officers,
    And the like.

    A study showed that a Mexican fart is 4times stronger than CS gas and can corrode steel.

    Hi yi yi.

    • Did Speedy Gonzalez ever get his carpet sorted?

      He was forever shouting about his underlay.

      Coat already on.

      He’s banned now, old Speedy. Something to do with racism. They found out he voted BNP and had a personal licence plate of N0N1GN0G5.

      He’s now a fat depressed and bitter rodent who queues up for Wetherspoons at opening time.

    • Did Speedy Gonzalez ever get his carpet sorted?

      He was forever shouting about his underlay.

      Coat already on.

      He’s banned now, old Speedy. Something to do with racism. They found out he voted BN P and had a personal licence plate of N0N1 GN 0G5.

      He’s now a fat depressed and bitter rodent who queues up for Wether Spoon’s at opening time.

  9. Shame there wasn’t a dog in the room you could have blamed.
    I was once in a pub and dropped a bad one, and I stared at an Irish Wolfhound; he then looked disgusted at me and got up and left.

  10. Sometimes I think this site cannot get any
    more fucking strange and then this comes along.

    Reminds me of the bloke who sees the quack about his farts not smelling
    Doc tells him to bend over and he puts his head down.
    Right, go on fart.
    He farts and the doctor stands up and writes out a note for him to see a surgeon. Do I need an operation on my arse he asks?
    No says the doc, this is a fucking nose specialist.

  11. I am a very accomplished farter and regard this nom as frivolous. I once emptied a cicus tent.

  12. I know a guy who used to be a bodybuilder and subsiquently was eating whey, protien and all manner of other shit,he would let these loud wet stinking rippers go everywhere he went, to the point were no fucker invited him anywhere in the end.
    He used to love it, he was the only fucker that did, ne fucker would get in a car with him or anything…..rancid, dirty cunt

  13. Funniest one I heard was at the pictures. Dark, people chattering, not paying attention. Intro to film starts in total darkness there’s a gradual crescendo of noise and suddenly it peaks with a bright light on the screen. Everything instantly goes silent and you hear PAAAAAAAAAARP. The place erupted. You could hear people giggling throughout the film. I think it may have been Close Encounters of the Third Kind, I really don’t remember. But that fart? I’ll never forget it.

    • It was Cuntybollocks, in the back row, with his new girlfriend from the deaf school.

      Morning all😀👍

      • She might have been deaf, but she’d have felt the tremor and probably the heat as it burnt through the fabric of the seat.

  14. Nobody has highlighted the obvious dangers of a follow through. I’ve been caught only a few times, but always in the worst place for it to happen (train and office). There must be a word for:

    a) the feeling you get when a fart is definitely followed through and you can’t do anything about it
    b) the feeling when you release a bit of gas as you think there may be looseness
    c) the superb feeling when you know the issue is over and you’re back to good, dry farts

    • Allow me to assist as this is a matter both close to my heart and my mudflaps.

      The phenomenon which you describe are as follows:

      1. To gamble and lose.

      2. To hedge one’s bets.

      3. A return to Happy valley

      Hope that helps.

      • Indeed Odin, it is a physiological version of blackjack.





        Squeak…’oh shit, bust!’

  15. The lady’s in the picture is called pocah, I would definitely poker..sunk down to my nuts what I want to know is does she queef, maybe she does fanny farts too, answers on a postcard co John Leslie BBC TV w1

  16. Married for 30 years. Neither of us gives a flying fuck anymore, so we both just fart away like a pair of flatulent wildebeest. If one us is put out by the stink? Tough fuck, leave the room.

    The perks of being old-ish and not caring.

  17. I made the mistake some years back of having Jerusalam Artichoke soup for supper.
    The next day at work was hell. Being in an open plan office I could not let rip (well I could have but I am too polite).
    Various trips to the bogs to try and release the flatulence did not suffice even went for a walk at lunch time to get rid of the gas but by then it was trapped.
    I was in such discomfort that I had to leave work early.
    Got home and managed to fart out so much gas it probably would filled a Zepplin. 😁

  18. I let out a fart under the covers once that was so rancid that my wife was actually sick.
    We are now divorced.

  19. That blonde might have been rubbish in bed-or one of those wimminz that loses control of her bowels at the “key moment”.

    Ah! The follies of one’s youth 😢

    • Afternoon CG. I was wondering what CB would’ve done if the shoe was on the other foot and the lovely lady had been less inhibited about letting one go?

      • I think it would’ve shocked me a little, especially if I was going down on her at the time.

        But no, it wouldn’t have stopped me. I don’t think I’d have stopped if she’d have shat the bed to be honest.

  20. I stopped drinking Staropramen beer ,as my farts started involving blood from the speed humps

    • I don’t know why they call them ‘speed bumps’ anyway.

      If anything, they slow you down.

      Top tip. Don’t see if you can ‘break your record speed’ between two speed bumps unless you have enough saved up for a new suspension.

  21. Sometimes you just have to hold them in.

    Staying in a hotel in a city which is about a 5 hour drive from home I ordered up the pork for dinner.
    It arrived slightly undercooked, but I was hungry so I ate it.

    An hour into my drive home the next day I started to have a pain in my back.
    I guessed that I had slept awkwardly.
    The pain started getting worse.

    An hour or so later I knew that I needed a shit…. Urgently.
    But the pain was so bad that I could not have made it from my car, through a bar or petrol garage, to get to a bog.

    So for the remaining hours of my drive I had to hold in any fart, and make no sudden movements.

    The Guardia Civil had set up a traffic stop 20 minutes from my home.
    By this time I was sweating and desperate.


    They waved me through.

    As I turned into my street it happened.
    An involuntary fart with an enormous follow through.

    Pure liquid arse gravy.
    It was like I was sitting on a wet cushion.

    There I was, a respected businessman and a pillar of the community, marinating in my own foulage.

    I managed to waddle to my home, liquid shit dripping down my legs, strip off on my terrace and have a shower with the outside hose.

    Mrs Cunter thought that it was hysterical.

  22. I once dropped my trousers in a pub full of scoucers watching a live Liverpool cup game, that made them all gag! Luckily for me it was silent, as just after we had all evacuated to the muster point, Gerraaard scored a goal. They were not impressed having only to contend with the ‘action replay.’

  23. If your rectum looks like a cluster of grapes, a massive fart can cause some bleeding and strange noises. So I’m told.

  24. Sadly I’m now of an age when holding in a fart is no longer an issue. My problem is forcing one and following through.

  25. Something I remember to this day was as a gormless 15 year old standing in the playground with the girl of my dreams and her friend who was also very attractive. I had literally come all the way through infants, junior and now comprehensive schools and admired from afar for many years. Now I was stood alone with both of them, grinning like a village idiot, stomach churning with nerves as a chance to score was within my grasp that beautiful spring afternoon. However, it was not to be as the pollen in the air and the spag bol school lunch colluded to fuck my romantic inclinations right up. Just as I was about to make a move the pollen caused me to sneeze and both barrels (nostrils) released their contents to dangle from my chin along with a certain amount of sputum from my mouth that went towards the two objects of my desire. Add to this the perfectly synchronised imitation of the eruption of Krakatoa from my rear facing nether regions and the fact that I had no tissue or handkerchief it was a very long and lonely walk to the bogs. Needless to say I did not marry either of them although I did have a drink with second choice a few years later and she brought said incident up and told me that she had felt sorry for me and that she was rummaging in her bag to offer me a tissue when I scarpered.
    Well they say that the path of love never runs true.

    I think Mills & Boon have found their newest author – NA.

  26. I guess this situation is different for ‘fanny farts?’
    In the picture at the top, I recon if you put a match to that gaseos grunt, you might get spontaneous internal combustion.

  27. This all sounds a bit strange to me, holding in a fart to the point where you’re in pain and you can’t perform? What’s wrong with farting as you flush the loo, and maybe coughing at the same time? Anything’s worth a try when you’ve got a definite shag lined up.

    • Drop some shampoo bottles in the bath, anything if she was as good as CB says.

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