Being denied the chance to pitch my “Celebrity Voodoo Dolls” on Dragon’s Den is a Cunt.
I have been obsessionally working for minutes on an idea that I’m sure will benefit the mental well-being of the nation and earn me a modest fortune….it is,like so many brilliant ideas, actually rather simple.I take an old sock,shit in it,tie it up and stick a “celebrity” face on it…I then douse it in petrol and set it alight….at the moment the remains of my Beckham family shite-bags are smouldering gently on the lawn and you can’t imagine the pleasure I got from watching the whole revolting clan burst into flames.
I feel sure that my invention will be as popular as the printing-press or electricity…who in their right mind would turn down the chance to take out all their frustrations at the absurdity of modern life by tormenting a “celebrity”? and when my Royal Family range of dung-dolls hits the shelf….well,I’m sure you agree,the sky’s the limit.
BBC told me to “Fuck Off”…probably because I’m not a sooty tranny in a cripple chariot…I’ll give Richard Branson a call…he can always recognise a good business opportunity and I’ve actually got a Branson shit-doll already prepared so the video that I’ll pitch to him of me giggling like a Prince Andrew victim as I set fire to a truly lifelike representation of his Good Self should go down a storm.
Brace yourself for my appearance on Loose Women.
Nominated by: Dick Foxchaser-Fiddler
Count me in for a version of Sparkletits and Halfwit Hewitt
17
Even better, get the real celebrity you hate the most, shit on him or her (or it to be fully inclusive) dowse in petrol and throw in a lighted match.
I know what your thinking, what about all the other poor folk who will miss out the experience but here is real commercial idea, video the act and flog it to anyone for a fiver, or ten if the said celebrity is a super cunt.
12
I would have thought a simple trawl through the IAC archives will reveal more than enough potential subjects for Fiddler Turdsocks. This sounds like a winner to me, so I’m in.
I will give you the funding you seek, but in return I want 40% of your company, unfettered access to your library of jazz mags, and 50% shagging rights over Gemma Arterton. If after 6 months you have not yet lured Ms Arterton into your lair, I’ll take the pick of the hounds instead. That might not sound like much fun, but it would still be an improvement on Deborah Meaden.
That is my final offer.
21
Meaden that brilliant business women who inherited parents camp site and sold it self made my arse ugly cunt.
16
I feel for you DF.
I managed to get my Greta sex dolls out for sale because I used the diversity schtick. I just said that those Japs have sex dolls as part of their culture (it’s a scientific fact that every Japanese male owns at least 5 sex dolls). I just said it would also create more environment awareness.
For example, to get her to lick out your arse, you need to answer 3 of her questions on global warming. Get one wrong and she’ll shout, “How dare you!” and then shut down in a ‘looking at Trump face’ sulk for 24 hours.
It’s all in the marketing fella.
14
Greta Thunderbird is very quiet lately. I saw she had a boyfriend, maybe she’s getting fucked in every orifice and enjoying her life now.
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I can’t imagine how bad it would be to be her boyfriend.
I don’t think I would last 5 minutes before I knocked her teeth out. Whining europeans deserve nothing less.
20
Thunderbirds will be up the duff soon, another fucking mouth for the world to feed. But she’s made her dough out of the green industry so she’s alright Jack.
The rest of us can just fuck off and eat shit.
27
Don’t think I have enough cash for all the cunts I’d like you to make dolls of but what a fantastic idea – patent it!
9
Bit of a teething problem….I shit myself unconscious trying to fill the James Corden doll
35
You could make the James Corden version a pinata version and instead of sweets…well, some Fiddler delights. Maybe the birthday party of some particularly horrible little cunt from the village you have your eye on. Call it market research.
13
You have hounds, Lord Fidler, don’t you?
As long as you describe the “stuffing” as ethically sourced organic, I’m sure they would be a reasonably acceptable alternative source, should you experience “supply problems”.
10
Right that’s settled it then,I’m buying Fray Bentos stock right away.
11
Just a thought Dick, perhaps you should have been a little more creative with the marketing “ Celebrity PooDoo dolls “ has a certain RING to it.
1
Voodoo dolls?
Of celebrities?!
And, god forbid the..royals?!!!
What a hateful, horrid little man.
You really are a fuckin rotter Dick.
Two boxes of the royals and a custom order of Diane Abbott please.👍
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Presumably Dick would need to fill a wind sock for Flabblott?
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Talking about the Royals why the fuck have sent the Earl and Cuntess of Wessex on a Caribbean Tour.
Someone has proper set these cunts up, each country they are going to is talking about independence and financial reparation / compensation.
Tell you what, why don’t we compensate them but sticking them on a ship and sending them back to Africa – they’ll soon wish they’d stayed on the Islands.
Bongo bongo, bunga, bunga.
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And afterwards the locals can boil them in a big cooking pot
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Yes, especially after Will and Kates trip was oh so successful.
Hello Highness, gimme millions ob GB ££££, for da slavery!
Here a traditional dance!
Cauldron Ana Big knife? Part of ceremonies, yaas.
8
In the good old days of Royal Tours to somewhere dark-skinned and distant, the traditional tribal dancing invariably involved the women getting their tits out, and much appreciated by Princes Philip and Charles it was too.
That doesn’t seem to happen these days. Why not, I wonder?
The Empire just isn’t what it used to be.
10
Send em for a weekend in Cardiff😉👍
6
Presumably Sir Fiddler has already had a go at Uncle Joe Biden. Stuck pins in his brain and his mouth and severed the connection.
13
For fucks sake imagine the appalling cost of the Ian “Fat Expenses Cunt” Blackford deluxe doll.
I’m in for a half dozen please.
16
The only drawback I can see is resisting the temptation to stamp on their faces, which would be a less than fragrant experience.
The last five words of the sentence above, however, describe Katie Price perfectly.
11
Im in the middle of patenting a Greta Thunderstruck stamp that licks itself.
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I wish you every suck cess.
Bleaurrgghhh!
5
Any limp dumb, just add sandals and beard. This includes the ‘Wimmin’
Douse in petrol, chant a mantra, summon some majik and enjoy.
9
How disappointing. I would have been willing to pre order the Tony Blair and Steve Coogan editions.
For starters…
11
How about Linekunt, eat 50 bags of crisps and shite the lot out into a sock. Not sure what the fuck you’d use for ears, probably the same as prince Charles, a couple of naan breads. Cunts.
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Oh, I was convinced you were a sootie yourself, simply because of your attitude towards sooties. Most slave owners don’t give a fuck about colour because the slaves are the same colour ….ummmm, 5 pints of snakebite (Kronenbourg/Scrumpy Jack) and I’ve forgotten where I was going with this. I shall return another day. Oh, and Hi all!
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Hi Moggie.
I too am meandering down the path.
Jolly good show!
4
There has got to be a market out there. Great pitch.
Unfortunately, most of the cunts are full of shit already!
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That dagger in the header pic looks like something out of the Omen…..yea! That should work!
4
I would recommend that you pitch this idea to Chad Valley, the Notorious shite toy maker from the 70s, and maybe think about a life size version that you could come in to from a stressful day and kick the fuck in it, I would like to place an order now for a Suck dick Khan and a Bent Dick Cumberbuntch.!
9
I don’t think we’re thinking outside the box here!
Where’s the blue sky thinking?
We have to stratagize this promising concept, and REALLY think who our target market is!
Why Fidler old socks? Couldn’t they be any old socks? Relying on Fidler old socks, solely, could severely limit the marketing availability!
Let’s have a meeting to discuss stratagy, say Tuesday week?
That suit everyone? What time do you need to breast pump, Tabitha?
11:30, OK, and you’ll be done by.. 12.
OK, a working lunch, then. Tristan, please organise food, you know what we all like, what Tabitha, totally Vegan now…
Oh, fuck it. It’ll be a passing phase.
5
We’ll have to touch base to strategize Fiddlers bowel movements.
7
Well, LL, that’ll take a bit more than blue sky thinking.
You crate him, I’ll force feed him.
We’ll take turns shit shovelling.
Socks won’t be a problem, new pair will be suitably scuffed every 20 minutes, as he tries, frantically, to escape.
6
Cue banjo!
5
Cripple chariot? CRIPPLE chariot??!! In this day and age? As a degenerate and disintegrating raspberry myself, I must take issue with this description.
As any crip worth their incontinence supplies will tell you, the correct and appropriate terminology is SPAZ chariot. Sort yourself out there Sir, d’you hear?!
14
Well done, Sir.
They are, indeed, a crude, unruly and ungodly bunch.
They’ll take your comments under advise, the bunch of cunts.
5
And when you’re in your spaz chariot, do you avoid or roll over small dogs??
5
Your response is crucial.
I need to know if your a dog lover or kicker.
5
I didn’t get very far on my Dragons’ Den quest, with my ‘self destructing mosque’ kit.
The glass green dome exploded off and cut Theo Paphtis to shreds, and the Minaret, (which was propelled by a small rocket), knocked off Deborah Meden’s wig.
Might try next year with my My Little Pony ‘knackers yard’ set.
12
Brilliant
5
There are practical drawbacks to shitting in a sock, it can get very messy. Luckily I had the foresight to patent “The marvellous Magiccunt sock shit filler.” Talk to my marketing people. It can also be used for decorating cakes, and IRA hunger strikers jail cells.
5
I had a similar but eventually successful experience with Cuntbubbles Horn Potion.
It was organic and vegan so the raddled old bag liked it until she found out it wasnt delivered by horse drawn elves.
The big cunt was all for it but wanted me to black up and sing ‘Horny horny juice’, which I found demeaning.
Another of the cunts wanted me to demonstrate on Instagram with a picture of Anal Ease Dodds. It aint that good.
And a Turkish cunt wanted it made in China.
In the end I went with the Geordie tart and got it on the shopping channel, although I had to sell my children.
3
I wonder what the best seller would be? Blair?
On a tangent, if Dick can put celebs faces on a sock of crap, is there not some software for superimposing your favourite face onto a porno of your choice? Imagine seeing some holier-than-thou type in the middle of a gang gang!
4
Wife…have you been getting sensations in your body, as if for instance someone was sticking pins into a voodoo doll?
Husband: erm, no?
A short pause…
Wife: what about now?
6
Can I order a life size voodoo doll of Cliff Richard, complete with interchangeable colostomy bag showing various stages of fullness?
5
I could have told you that Dick, those cunts at Dragons Den said my idea for Bi-Polar bears are not appropriate for those suffering from depression.
I thought a cuddly suicidal bear cutting his own wrists was fucking hysterical, but the dragons not so much, it wasnt all bad however they did like my goatee beard shaving stencils and thanks to that idea im now a multi billionaire sporting my latest gun fighter [Tuko ] from the Good,Bad and the Ugly moustache as the Kieth Lemon arse tickler dosnt really work for me…
I considered marketing the Bi-Polar bears myself but after the death threats thought better of it, some people have no sense of humour at all, miserable cunts…..
8
Would it be possible to order a Katey Price doll, although i could stick pins in it for the rest of my days and never beat the real things with the amount of needle and other things she has had stuck in her,,,,
6