Buying a new car is a total cunt.
I’m in the market for a smaller, more economical car. I no longer need the 2lt diesel which I pulled a large caravan with as we’ve sold the wobble box. The first job is to work out what I need, and what I need barely exists.
As I’m ‘well nourished’ I like a bit of space and something a bit taller than a super mini. As myself and Mrs Cuntatious are getting older and less supple something easy to get in and out of is appropriate. You’d be surprised just how wank new cars are, lots are very low and have pathetic seats which tend to be hard and unyielding.
I’ve eventually narrowed it down to a few models which I’ve been investigating recently. Herein lies the biggest obstacle to obtaining the vehicle of my dreams, the fucking car dealers. Is every car salesman a cunt? I ask because they either totally ignore you or stick like a fucking leech. All I want to do is get a bit of info, sit in one and have a general shufty before I decide what to test drive. No doubt the test drive will be accompanied by one of these cunts, 5 minutes around the block and Jimminy fucking Cricket on the shoulder.
Like most folk I’ve looked on Autotrader, this is now rammed with cars being sold by big online dealers, you order and they deliver, no chance of looking over it, no chance of a test drive who the fuck buys a car like this? Cunts like Cazoo and Cinch (don’t get me started on the massive cunt Rylan) are all over Autotrader and it’s depressing. I’m almost at the point that I’ll keep my old one, it’s serviced on the nail by the manufacturer and runs like a dream.
Fucking car industry, it should be a nice experience and it’s not. The makers lie about the fuel consumption, it’s never what they claim, they lie about the cost, they charge for every fucking extra, even some mats, they charge for a different colour, the bastard has to be painted so why is it hundreds of pounds more if you fancy a red one instead of black?
Just fuck off, I’m getting a horse.
Nominated by: Bertram Cuntatious DCO
Stay with what you have if it’s in decent shape and paid for I say.
I have a 19 year old mini van.
Feels like a loyal old friend.
I live in walking distance from a part store.
16
I bought one last year. It’s a fucking hybrid. With a turbo. It does less to the gallon than my identical non-turbo petrol model did. Progress.
12
Probably because it’s having to cart around a 1/4 ton battery and a fucking heavy generator. Mind you, I still think they are a decent compromise, but the eco wankers want us driving on fairy dust.
10
And unicorn power…
7
My wife as a 2008 Ford Focus Style. And if it weren’t for the reg plates you wouldn’t think it was 14 years old.
Pretty solid car, regularly serviced, fairly easy maintenance for the basic DIYer, especially with the aid of a plug-in OBD diagnostic box. Also pretty cheap insurance too.
Buying a new car is a bloody nightmare, especially with dealer cunts trying to push you onto electric. Bollocks to all that, we’ll all be using horse and carts sooner or later anyway if the Greta & Nutnut fancunts get their way!
13
We upgraded our ford kuga for a newer model last year, the shite they come out with to make a sale!!
Bullshit that would make Boris Johnson blush.
All novelties and gizmos,
Extras you can add,
Just more shite that can go wrong.
But I enjoy getting a new car!
Grateful.
Always ask before purchase if theres anything they can chuck in for free😊
I got a new rubber bootliner and mats doing this.
Pays to be forward.
10
I recently had a lively discussion (in the YouTube comments section) with some twat who declared that mankind should go back to horses and carts and wooden sailing ships to “save the planet”
So cutting down loads of trees and enslaving another species is progress, apparently.
What a cunt 😂😂😂
16
Both has its pros an cons I suppose BB?
The thrill of a sailing ship, drawing alongside a distant coastline, and shooting a native from the decks is a English pursuit long in decline…
12
I think that’s a good idea. Let’s get back to slavery. There a steady flow of would be slaves coming in dingys right now. I could do with a few. I’d obviously work them to death so they wouldn’t be a drain on the public purse.
8
Bowl of rice Krispies a day and a sound thrashing smug.
They make out it was terrible …
They bloody loved it!!
5
Funny thing is I’ve never had this hard-sell shite from dedicated motorbike dealers. Most of the salespeople are probably former or existing bikers and give you the shit straight without giving you the hard sell about the optional extras.
The franchised dealers like Honda and Kwak, do try for the hard sell at times, but the independents are far more down to Earth, and will usually bend over backwards to help you choose the right bike for the right budget for your style of riding!
13
I was always truthful. When a potential customer asked why a Honda scooter was nearly three grand while a Chinese one was eight hundred quid my reply was “because the Chink scooter is shit”
My honestly wasn’t appreciated during my mercifully short stint at a Harley Davidson dealership though.
No way could I describe a Hardly Ableson as “the best motorcycle in the world” and keep a straight face…
😂😂😂
11
I never saw the point of HD bikes on British roads. Same with similar custom bikes from the Big Four. HD bikes are great in big fuck-off countries like the States, but pootling around town in downtown Crewe or Bognor Regis, doesn’t quite cut the Easy Rider imagery.
11
Generally but not always purchased by “professional” types as a status symbol to show that they’ve “made it”
And Richard fucking Hammond has got one…
7
I have to say, nothing quite beats bimbling around some country roads doing 60 (or thereabouts, officer) on a bike, going round bends with the knee down and head behind the fairing.
Used to do that quite a bit on my Kwak ZZR600, Gpz900RR and Honda Fireblade. But of course I wasn’t married then. And now I’m barred from anything resembling motorised two wheels!
6
BB@ – Interesting fact – 95% of all Harley Davidsons ever made are still on the road.
The rest made it home..
9
We actually witnessed a Harleu Davidson pull into the Pub carpark with a fat middle-aged bloke and his scrawny old trout “chick” on board….nothing remarkable in that except that the Cunts were playing “Born to be Wild” on a radio that you could hear as they pulled in…the tears were rolling down our cheeks as we watched “Butch and Sundance”, as we dubbed them, do a 1%er swagger into the Pub to get their orange juices.
7
“Harleu Davidson”, is that the French Canadian version otherwise known as a Velocette?
4
Vernon.
That’s fucking brilliant.
I’m stealing that…
👍👍👍
2
Not quite the case now. The large franchised bike dealers seem as cuntish as car dealers. The small ones doing second hand stuff are a bit mroe down to earth, but still full of shit in my humble opinion.
3
Driving around in a “modern” car always feels like being inside something with the structural integrity of a tictac box.
Nasty plastic crap with quick-fry electronics to ensure it’s in the scrapyard within ten years.
Give me my 22 year old Volvo any day…
14
Plus all that binging and bonging at you, like an electronic nagging wimminz.
20
In the words of Clarkson, it’s to “remind fat Americans that they’re in a car…”
10
Perhaps ISAC could create their own satnav voice-over navigation system.
isac satnav – “Oi, cunt. Are you a man driver or a wimminz?”
Driver – “I’m a woman actually!”
isac satnav – “Oh for fuck’s sake!”
Driver – “Pardon?”
isac satnav – “Nothing, nothing. Have you put the key in the ignition?”
Driver – “Yes”
isac satnav – “So where do you wanna go then?”
Driver – “Sainsburys”
isac satnav – “Is that all! Fucking Sainsburys? You switch me on to tell you where fucking Sainsburys is? The place you’ve been to a million fucking times before! Fuck’s sake!”
Driver – “You’re very rude!”
isac satnav – “Don’t worry about it. Just turn left down the bottom of the road, turn first right, first left, 500 yards straight on, turn right and done. You’re there!”
Driver – “What? Hang on, say that again!”
isac satnav – “Oh, fuck off, cunt. Put the fucking kettle on!”
12
“You are now entering Islington. Please have your bags of rotten fruit and dogshit ready to throw”
6
Techno @
I had Billy Connolly as my satnav voice.
Initially thought it was great!
The Big Yin giving me directions…
After a month I despised his voice and would rant at the satnav.
Spoilt things for me.
6
I worked in the motor trade for thirty years, mostly large dealers, and I must say most salespeople are cunts. Not only are they cunts to customers, they’re cunts to each other and fellow workers. Note also that they have a liking for brown pointy shoes. A guarantee that you’re gonna get shafted. Keep your old motor if it’s running fine and see if anything decent comes up before Boris and his eco loon friends ban the fuckers.
20
I have no doubt that one day the authorities will do their best to pry my ancient Honda bike from my cold dead hands.
Hopefully at least a few backpatch club nutters will tool up to try and make it less easy for them.
Give em hell…
10
Sorry,Bertram…… It’ll be a truly remarkable car saleman who can “out-cunt” a man shameless enough to boast of owning a “large caravan”
🙂 .
17
Afternoon Mf F, how goes it?
I reckon that caravan sites are hotbeds of middle-aged swingers; a disgraceful, beige, sexual free-for-all under tartan blankets.
17
Do I detect an air of jealousy, Thomas?
4
For all the flabby, disappointing sex, yes, TC…for the caravans, hell no!
3
Afternoon,Mr C-E
Going well,ta….usual Bank Holiday….can hear motorbikes screaming and back-firing up the valley….closely followed by the Ambulance sirens and occasionally the Air Ambulance….half a mind to take the County out for a very slow run around a few blind corners.
5
PS…it may well be a sexual free-for-all at Caravan Club but somehow I doubt it…most of them look too traumatised by attempting to reverse into their parking spot to ever get up to anything dubious.
6
I knew I should have remained silent on the caravan lol
12
Most of the cunts I’ve been unfortunate enough to encounter in this line of work were fucking clueless bullshitters.
I much prefer a good car auction.
But most of all I prefer scotch.
18
If I was you Bertram, I’d stick with your old one until you’ve run it into the ground if it is as good as you say.
New cars are flimsy and not as powerful as older models. Most now are limited to 112mph even if they do 0 to 60 in 3 seconds.
Fuck electric as well. With the price of electricity now it will probably cheaper to run a 5 litre Bentley on premium unleaded.
19
Just found this about electric car owners and charging points. https://www.express.co.uk/life-style/cars/1592326/EV-chargers-drivers-anger-owners-reaction
With 8.5 million cars parked on the road, this shit is going to be a problem for about twenty years.
9
I plan to hang around electric car charging points (even though I won’t have an electric car) at motorway service stations and do what I can to exacerbate conflicts over charger access.
Fuck ’em, bunch of smug, Guardian-reading cissies.
20
It sounds like enormous fun.
When massive senses of entitlement collide.
“I’m more ethical”
“No, I am”
Lentils and shreds of Guardian flying everywhere…
14
If somebody could come up with a car that runs on surplus copies of The Groaniad and The New European.
Hang on, preserved railways are running short of coal. A law should be enacted to oblige the above two stinky organs to massively increase print runs, then impound all copies for burning in steam locos.
10
What happens if all your friends and family have electric cars, and they all come round to your home for a visit. You only have one EV charger, but 6 of them want to charge their cars. So who gets first dibs, and do you charge them for the electric used, and where do the other cunts go to charge their cars?
I can foresee street fights and stabbings as drivers with dying electric cars do drive-bys looking for spare EV chargers.
12
That’s “progress” for you 😂😂😂
5
I’d be fucked if I’ll let anyone use my charging point with the price of electricity unless I fitted a pay as you go meter that only took £50 notes.
8
I’d make the charger run on 5p pieces and watch them panicking as they have to put one in every 3 seconds.
4
My wife used to work in admin at a car dealers years ago. She got to speak to the salespeople and all their bullshit buzzwords and deceitful salesspeak to naive customers, as well as chatting to the mechanics in the back, and how they would resort to the old familiar take of “(sucks through teeth) I dunno, love. You’ve got a problem with your kryptonite warp-drive bobbin control system. Might take a couple of weeks , but you’re looking at a grand, darling!”
As a consequence when my wife went to the Ford dealer to look for a Focus she was prepared for all the usual sales bollocks and replied in kind, shooting the cunts down.
Similarly when the car went in for a service, the spanner guys resorted to type by patronising “this stupid woman”. But again she was ready for it, and gave as good as she got, shooting them down with her own mechanics-speak!
All good stuff to watch, but we we were one of the lucky ones not to get ripped off time and time again by these scheming cunts.
10
If you’re not too choosy and just want a new motor, wait for the plates to change.
For about a month before and a week or two after, there are preregistered cars going for a good few grand off list price.
If you’re looking for a nearly new bargain, have a look at Dacia (it’s a Renault) or Hyundai. Both have shit residual values and can be picked up for next to fuck all for a decent little runabout.
10
Still knocking about in my 1979 Ford Escort, I keep it well oiled and clean, and I don’t need some cunt with a laptop to fix it, which is a bonus!!!
14
Bloody hell Cap’n, is it a MK2?
Most of those rotted away in the great British weather, especially the two door ones.
See the odd RS 2000 at classic shows but the base models must be nearly extinct…
5
I still tool around in a mk2 Cortina, BB…base model (Ford called it a Deluxe!), now that I can’t afford fuel for my yank land yacht.
Original 1.3 kent engine, rusty as fuck, runs like a swiss watch though…simply replaced the points with a decent electronic ignition.
I love it and felt gratified when my son drove it and described it as a “horrid piece of shit”!
15
I used a 1964 Singer Gazelle (posh Hillman Minx) as an everyday car from 1997 until 2006 when I needed something with more cargo capacity.
My first missus hated it, which made me love it even more 😁
A mate of mine and his sons keep four MK4 Cortinas on the road plus a P100 pickup, a triumph Herald and a series 2 Land Rover.
Heaven on earth…
10
It is indeed BB, probably helps it spent the first 22 years of its life in Rhodesia (SA built 1600 model), I don’t really drive anywhere much, even less so in Winter so salt on the roads isn’t really much of a problem.
9
I have fond memories of my V6 2.3 Ghia-which was my first car and had a fucking massive rear seat, which was well used, I can tell you.
11
Didn’t realise that Grindr had been around that long!
10
I must say that when I was a kid back in the 70s the Ford Capri was always my fave car, not least for the unique sporting styiling.
And would I be right in thinking that either Body or Doyle from the Professionals used to drive around in a Mark II Capri?
8
Bodie had a silver MK3 and Doyle drove a gold one. Both have survived and been restored by Capri club members.
Take a look at the Irish Capri club website.
The Professionals started with Leyland Rovers and Triumphs but lost too much filming time due to breakdowns and Leyland being useless and unhelpful, so Ford stepped in with free Capris, Granadas and Escort RS’s.
Everything state run turns to shite…
7
Bronze MK2 used in some episodes too…
3
Like many others I was conned into buying a diesel for my daily car and now I get stung by extra taxes and parking fees. cunts.
11
Promoting the sale of oil burners was another of the Blair government’s master strokes that seems to have been erased from history…
15
Franchised car dealers make 100% profit on every private sale they make. So a car VW can sell to a retailer for 10K and still make a profit suddenly costs 20K. Then the theft of charging for mats, number plates, tank of fuel etc. (Don’t even start me on the stealerships charging 60 quid an hour labour).
My 19 year old 190,000 mile BMW estate is rock solid (rattly clutch thrust bearing and remote key fob locking which occasionally refuses to work due to a somewhat tired rechargeable battery – completely perfect apart from that), does nearly 60MPG on the motorway and will threaten 150MPH – I am getting a 10 or 12 plate with less miles later this year but not because I need to replace my motor, I just fancy something a bit newer.
Unless I was crazy rich I would never buy a new vehicle – get a year old one, up to 30% cheaper than a brand new one and a year to sort any bugs or recalls.
I do a lot of buying and selling, I have owned nearly 30 cars and work on a simple principle – give the customers what they require, treat them with respect and be honest – I get a lot of repeat business and a lot of business by recommendation, for a small trader reputation is everything.
Want a new motor for a good discount? Contact three retailers online and ask them what their best price is for the model you want, then play them off against each other as they compete for your business – salesmen ain’t your friend and the money is as good in your pocket as theirs.
And – “without wishing to name names” – riding through the local Toyota dealers in full hunting regalia shouting “your parts prices are a fucking disgrace” could be considered somewhat rambunctious behaviour by some! 😀
14
I’ve never bought a car until it’s had its first MOT, any problems have been fixed by then and it’s usually around half the price of new. I no longer drive but my last car was a a 2002 Ford Focus which I had to scrap about 18 months ago. The engine was great but its origins in Blackpool meant rust on the sills. Even then I could have replaced them but I had a leak into the passenger footwell which I never located in the 7 years I was looking.
3
Ford = Fix Or Repair Daily
1
Anything with a motor or a fanny should be rented.
12
Some time in the future:-
Autotrader becomes Horse & Cart Magazine
Top Gear becomes Top Gallop
International Motor Show becomes International Donkey and Carriage Show
Car dealers become Horse and Cart Dealers.
“Hello madam/them/they/it. Can I introduce you to our latest Horse and Cart, only 26 miles on the clock, 0-60 in about 40 minutes, miles per bale of hay, 22. One careful owner called Daphne. Horse’s name, Dobbin.”
8
An ideal world. But then all the car sales fuckwittery will just be switched over to the horse and cart business. You can buy your horse on HP or a PCB. And what a go faster line on your cart that’s another £2000 please.
6
As someone who has 40 years experience working in the motor trade just ask yourself these questions before buying a new car, can I afford it? Can I afford to run it? Do I need it? does it suit my needs and requirements? If you answer yes then buy it, and if it fucks off moonface Greta thundercunt they buy it guilt free, that is all I am saying on the matter
9
You’ve pretty much summed up my reasoning on any buying, from appliances to baked beans. On occasion I will buy something because I just fancy it, as a treat.
2
I want a petrol/hydrogen fuel cell hybrid. I think that is the best all round one to have. No dragging around a 1/2 ton battery everwhere you go. & when the cells are fucked it will cost 1/2 the value of the car to replace. There have been problems associated with hybrids though, & few specialists around right now who can fix some of them when they occur.
4
I sold my Defender a while back-now I miss it😢
I went online to see what a similar 110 would cost today-£30k.
The world has gone fucking mad.
5
Crazy, isn’t it? I once had a Fiat Mirafiori (2 litre twin ohc) bought it for a grand, sold it for a grand, now worth 25k+!
5
I took a good close look at the new “Defender” the other day.
Somehow I don’t think there will be many of those still trundling around in daily use when they’re 60 odd years old…
3
I concur👍
Too many electronics and reliance on technology.
I fancy a series 2a or 3 station wagon-maybe a professionally restored one on a new galvanised chassis.
Or maybe another Land Cruiser Amazon👍
4
Be sensible CG.
Get the Land Cruiser.
4.7 V8 Amazon, if you can afford the fuel.
I’ve spent years driving around in draughty old 2a’s. And years trying to start clapped out old 2 1/4 diesels in the winter.
I converted 3 to Perkins diesels.
One had a P4 in it.
Then I upgraded to a 4.203.
Then went onto a 4.236.
The Perkins were good, but you couldn’t hold a conversation at 50mph, as the noise was terrible.
2
I miss my 1963 series 2a ambulance and my lightweight – couldn’t afford either now…
0
Recently bought a Ford Fiesta ST. Found out that the bastards said they had serviced it but when I took it to a trusted garage I found out that they hadn’t. They had passed the MOT but both brakes and discs were sub standard and dangerous. My trusted garage said he would not have passed the MOT if he was doing it. All in all I’ve had to spend a further £1000 to get the car running right and safely. I’ve complained to the trading standards, yet to hear back. Utter cunt of a dealer.
4
Trading standards/small claims court=fucking waste of time👎
Park outside the dealership with a sign saying: “Heap off the week”.
Take witnesses & plenty of photographs/video footage.
Inform the cunt that unless you get £1k back, the story gets uploaded to the net.
Or, turn up at 9.am wearing your size 12 combat boots and a serious fucking attitude😉
From personal experience, the latter will bring the result you want👍
7
Or say you’re a transbumder and the garage is discriminating against you. That’ll be my next excuse when I’m caught doing some naughty stuff.
“I identify as a woman/muzzıe/pikey/somalian and to try and disprove my ridiculous assertation is discwimmination.”
6
Thanks Cuntfinder. Still to hear back from Trading Standards, most probably a waste of time like you say. Time for different options like you say.
4
Anyone remember the Lancia Beta?
Front crossmembers desintegrating before the first MOT to the point that the engine would nearly drop out.
One bloke dumped his outside his local dealer with the legend “Italy’s revenge for losing the war” painted on it’s crumbling sides 😂
7
Be careful with the hands on approach.
I tried that years ago when some cunt at a garage sold me a Standard 10, that was literally falling in half. After a few weeks the doors wouldn’t open. The sills had been riveted on with 1/8” rivets, and the floorpan had split.
I whacked one bloke across the legs with a pry bar, and his 2 mates got hold of me and gave me a right good pasting.
Gave up after that. Was too painful.
3
My 2 litre Diesel BMW isn’t far off it’s 20th birthday and is still going very strong.
Fuck buying a new car.
* I’ve no doubt cursed the thing now
6
Fook yer Mitsubishi I’ve a hoss outsoid.
(the Rubberbandits)
2
My Robin Reliant dates from 1978.
Its does a genuine average of 65 mpg.
I put electronic ignition on it years ago, so it ran better, – and I wasn’t faffing about with the points and condenser every few months.
It’s got a galvanised chassis fitted, – and with its fibreglass body, it will never rot.
Who can afford anything else?
People take the piss, but they are/were cracking little motors.
Can’t be doing with new motors. Sensors, and unnecessary complications. Fuck that.
3
Dick-you are Del Boy and you can keep your £5-shouldget you about 35 miles in your Reliant👍
I do however, want an invite to your next do at the Nags Head👍
3
Del boy had a Reliant Regal Supervan 3 CG. I tell that to people all the time!
The SU carb is arguably the best mass produced carb in the world.
They are so economical and reliable.
You can keep your twin choke Webers, – and your 25 mpg.
Strombergs are thirsty old shitters too.
I’ve got two 1 3/4” on my Super Snipe, and it does a pitiful 17mpg.
Zeniths are best thrown in the nearest skip.
1
Recently purchased a v6 3.0 bi turbo 2 seater as its only me driving the thing at the weekend as I drive a truck all week 400bhp 22 average mpg local because I boot it now and then , getting it in before I have to peddle a tanker around the country and ride and bike at weekends, fucking Flintstones come to mind
4
The way things are going, we should all buy a tank. I always though a good bet on a used car was a 20+ year old BMW, is that a load of shite?
3
It could be worse. During one of those pointless lockdowns, I had to buy a car for the missus after hers was written off, without even seeing it! It was delivered by a bloke in a hazmat suit. Ok, I made the last bit up. Still felt bloody stupid though!
5
Techno’s 1st Crude Remark of the Day
“Can that bird in the header pic pop round and sit on my face please?”
3
Ain’t wishful thinking glorious.
2
I drive a sixteen year old Rover 75 2.0 diesel. Supremely comfortable and well made. Costs just over £30 a month to insure and returns 50mpg.
Parts are cheap and it now flies after a 160BHP remap. It needs repainting on the nearside as my FIL struck the door with a dumper tyre and the bootlid has some minor blisters which I’ll get attended to.
No point I’m changing it as engines are good for 500k. The good news is that resale prices are heading north.
2
Worth keeping sold them new underrated car
Had a diesel tourer for three years
Had a touch of P5 about them
Now we are offered a range of electric appliances lec or Frigidaire
3
Reality in the motor trade
Buy from a franchised dealer as when it goes wrong they will fix it or get a bollocking from their superiors if they don’t
Online sales are normally badly prepared ex hire cars bought unseen by rainbow families
Dealers do not make loads from a new car as their is no stock and margins are rubbish
Dealers cannot get sales staff as they work weekends can earn less than minimum wage and youngsters only do it to get a free car which they pay tax on
It used to be fun now it’s run my cunts selling to even bigger cunts
Yes I’ll stick with the old BMW diesel estate
Having worked in the industry for ever I’ve never bought a new car
As for parking Stanley used car money launderer’s don’t start
The trade is fucked
6