Buying a new car is a total cunt.

I’m in the market for a smaller, more economical car. I no longer need the 2lt diesel which I pulled a large caravan with as we’ve sold the wobble box. The first job is to work out what I need, and what I need barely exists.

As I’m ‘well nourished’ I like a bit of space and something a bit taller than a super mini. As myself and Mrs Cuntatious are getting older and less supple something easy to get in and out of is appropriate. You’d be surprised just how wank new cars are, lots are very low and have pathetic seats which tend to be hard and unyielding.

I’ve eventually narrowed it down to a few models which I’ve been investigating recently. Herein lies the biggest obstacle to obtaining the vehicle of my dreams, the fucking car dealers. Is every car salesman a cunt? I ask because they either totally ignore you or stick like a fucking leech. All I want to do is get a bit of info, sit in one and have a general shufty before I decide what to test drive. No doubt the test drive will be accompanied by one of these cunts, 5 minutes around the block and Jimminy fucking Cricket on the shoulder.

Like most folk I’ve looked on Autotrader, this is now rammed with cars being sold by big online dealers, you order and they deliver, no chance of looking over it, no chance of a test drive who the fuck buys a car like this? Cunts like Cazoo and Cinch (don’t get me started on the massive cunt Rylan) are all over Autotrader and it’s depressing. I’m almost at the point that I’ll keep my old one, it’s serviced on the nail by the manufacturer and runs like a dream.

Fucking car industry, it should be a nice experience and it’s not. The makers lie about the fuel consumption, it’s never what they claim, they lie about the cost, they charge for every fucking extra, even some mats, they charge for a different colour, the bastard has to be painted so why is it hundreds of pounds more if you fancy a red one instead of black?

Just fuck off, I’m getting a horse.

Nominated by: Bertram Cuntatious DCO