Pure Cremation adverts on the telly. These cunts are all happy go lucky, all on the piss like they’re having a pre death party. I’m all for cutting out those money raping cunts, namely funeral directors but fuck me these adverts are something else. Who the Fuck has a good piss up because they’ve sorted out that after they’ve snuffed it they’ll be chucked on a bonfire like Guy Fawkes on bonfire night.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXVZaQyq6J0
(Video link passed on by Night Admin – NA)
Nominated by DLP
I can’t see the point of planning your own funeral.
It’s not like you are going to be there to enjoy it.
Funerals are for the people that are left.
It’s up to them how they want to remember you.
Let them sort it out.
19
Actually, I’d like my body laid in a wooden rowboat, pushed out across a lake or river, the boat burning – like the vikings.
Of course it won’t happen – too much red tape and environmental regulations….
“You want what ?! No no no no, you’ll be chucked in our fridge and pulled out an hour before you reach the council crematorium. If your family request your ashes, we’ll give them a shitty Plastic jar with somebody elses ashes, or a mix of 10 peoples sweepings out of the oven. We’ll also phone up ever day after to remind you to pay up!”
10
Great minds and all that.
When one of these ads was on in the background, I mockingly shouted at the enthusiastic cunt trying to flog this shite, ‘Chuck me in a ditch!’
Cheap funerals are one thing, but telling your family and friends you put dad in an industrial incinerator with 50 tramps, just to save a few bob, is a bit much.
Still, funeral directors are grasping cunts so I suppose this sort of thing is inevitable.
They’ll do weddings next.
“Don’t want the hassle and expense of that registry office? With Cunty-weddings, our online witness and marriage license provider will do it all for you…on Skype in under 30 seconds for a tenner. You don’t even need to get out of bed! Say ‘I do’ and fuck off back to watching Coronation Street. You can do it during the ad break. Piece of fucking piss.”
Actually, I could be on to something here…
24
Burn baby, Burn !
8
If the spouse is spared after I shuffle off this mortal coil I dare say that I will be fitted in between the umpteenth repeat of Classic Coronation Street and Classic Emmerdale Farm – perhaps the space occupied by “The Best of Jeremy Kyle” or “Stacey Solomon picks her Nose and Applies Her Pile Ointment”, an episode of “Mad Publicity Whores” (I hope ITV 3 can accomodate her).
What I really object to is the current Americanisation of so and so having “passed” not “on” or “away” – just passed. No they haven’t they have died, kicked the bucket or snuffed it.
The downside of watching Talking Pictures is that every fucker wants to push their “senior insurance” policies or their “funeral plans” and when they are not doing that, they are trying to interest you in a windscreen repair. Only last night, on the first day of spring, the AA wanted to interest you in their “winter sale”, or JML want you to buy a senior citizen aid with that bloke and his hectoring peevish voice who sounds like the late Patrick Allen did in the 1960s. I have no wish to buy a stainless steel truss with heated pad as worn by Dame Kweer.
3
Many years ago, I said that when I died, I wanted to be cremated, and have my ashes blown in to Grace Jones’ eyes.
Yes she was a cunt, but a bloody amateur compared to the plethora we have nowadays. She’s spared a trip to the eye infirmary, and there’s not enough of me to have rammed down all the cunts. throats that deserve it.
Still in the urn of course.
Now that would be a good funeral advert.
14
My family have strict instructions to pour my ashes down Gemma Chan’s cleavage and she has to say “Thank you master” like when she played that android servant in that show.
16
I’m all for it. No point spending good money on some dead cunt. Apparently you can buy these cheap coffins that are more or less made out of cardboard…..good for the environment apparently. The tree huggers should get one free, encourage them to fuck off the wankers.
By the way, originally the guy on the bonfire was not Fawkes but the Pope. Any Papists should remember that next November. That’s if you live that long.
Cheer up you cunts.😁
16
There’s a billion of the fuckers, that’s a lot of firewood. I might invest in a plantation forest. Perhaps a dog food factory would be a more effective method of control.
1
Environmently friendly cardboard coffin ! Fuck that !
I want my coffin made out of the tree I pile into (assuming I meet my end in a car crash) – couple of tyres in the coffin…mesquite anyone ?
5
No fucking way that I’m arranging a funeral or cremation….I have high hopes that the Hounds’ll eat me and so deprive any Cunt looking to harvest my organs for personal gain..or to help the needy.
23
As far as I’m concerned, when my time comes (if not nuked first), a tough cardboard box, and an anonymous cremation, as cheap as possible. Then any “mourners” can open a bottle or to. No attendance needed at the crem, no sky-pilots, nothing. So long as I’m actually dead, I don’t care.
12
Bollocks to planning my funeral.
Bag me up and chuck me in the gray bin and let the council take me away.
18
I don’t think the younger generations can die without putting their death through an app first anyway.
19
Question, do suicide bombers take out a funeral plan??
12
Yeah Seagulls, they eat their brains afterwards.
5
poor seagulls ! …..
..no wait! seagulls are thieving cunts!..break out the 12 bore !
5
I agree with those saying you shouldn’t plan your own fucking funeral.
If no cunt bothers with mine (hopefully centuries away) I’ve told everyone I will haunt them and their kids if I find it’s a possibility.
I want weeping and a lavish send off or their kids will grow up traumatised.
9
No funeral for me. Out with the gold fillings then straight into the black wheelie bin and landfill.
16
Only an arrogant cunt plans their own funeral. However, I have made one proviso that should thwart the money grubbing ghouls in the Burial/Grief industry.
I don’t want anybody spending one red cent on me after I die. Give my body to a bona fide Medical school and let them use it for teaching, practice or research. (I’ll be beyond caring what they use it for.) Hopefully, I can be of better use to humanity dead than I was when I was alive. (If they can sell my withered old ass to a med school and make a few bucks…so much the better.)
And no organ donation! I realize there are people who can use them, but believe me…no matter what kind of shape you are in you don’t want my fucking liver.
Besides, I don’t want Dr. fucking Patel selling my spleen to the highest bidder on the black market in Karachi.
13
‘Choose Pure Cremation. No funeral director, no big expense, and best of all, you don’t even need to be dead’.
I was rather hoping for the full State Funeral in Westminster Abbey for myself. However knowing how much Mrs Twatt watches the pennies, she’s more likely to chuck me on the compost heap.
10
Compost Heap for you and fire for her then? You appear to have it “mapped out”.
1
I hope by the time I croak there will be a drive through night drop off slot to drop the body in.
Call it Drop Dead Discount Crematorium. Pay with an app.
10
Death is a serious business and I take it deadly serious.
Ive planned mine down to the last detail.
Including the venue, floral tributes ,script, sarcophagus,
Guests.
My black marble sarcophagus to be pulled by 8 black horses wearing black ostrich feather plumes in a antique Victorian carriage through the streets of Stockport.
Virgins will scatter black rose petals along the route,
Wailing at my loss.
A dirge solemnly played by a gypsy violinist.
Men choke at the dignity
Women weep
The chief druid wil read my eulogy telling of my many acts of charity
The lives ive effected.
My burial mound will have a archway made from the skulls of vanquished enemies.
People will be hysterical as its sealed with a boulder.
The world will never be the same.
Storytellers already saying to children about how once giants walked the earth.
Summat like that.
Modest.
No fuss.
25
Didn’t that fat bastard gangster Dessie Noonan have a similar funeral?
5
Dunno probably a cheap quicky version.
Im writing the mayor of Stockport to see if we can arrange a town minute silence.
If he wants to make it into a annual Stockport hoiday like a bank holiday I’ll permit it.
Maybe a charter that all first born baby boys are to be named Miserable in my honour?
Could build a tasteful 100ft copper statue of me where these lucky boys are christened!!
5
Like Diana so MNC, sombre and reflective
8
Are you going to find any virgins where you are Mis?
4
Thats the hardest bit of my plan Cuntymort.
Virgins are pretty thin on the ground these parts🤔
Probably have to recruit in those Games Workshop places,
Video gaming community etc
Cliff Richard said hed do it.
10
Evening MNC, you ostentatious fellow!
I’ve decided that for my funeral, my body is going to be eaten raw by a pack of African savages in front of my children and grandchildren.
7
Tommy@
👍👍👍 Nice.
See? Bit of imagination funerals can be great.
Thats the problem Thomas,
People not putting the effort in.
If more corpses were shot from cannons wearing Evel Kneivel outfits straight into a wood chipper?
Funerals would be packed out.
Ticket only events.
8
Washed down with a Guinness Stout Export.
1
Almost worth dying for.
1
I am sure they do a roaring trade.
4
I’ve asked to be put in one of those medieval cages they used to put criminals in to let starve to death with a notice saying this is what will happen to all those that act like a cunt in this town.
4
I’m happy to say that I don’t have to bother about this sort of thing.
I’ve received certain ‘ guarantees ‘
Basically, I’m not dying…… ever.
Years ago, I was ‘ visited ‘.
I know not, by whom, or what.
But tongues of Living Fire wrote out the following, in flaming script…,
‘ You will never die. You shall live for ever ‘ 🔥
It was very moving, not to mention reassuring.
So when all you cunts have fucked off to somewhere very, very hot.
I’ll still be here, for all eternity.
I’m looking forward to all your after funeral buffet’s.
Good evening, mortals.
9
Evening Jack👍
Your welcome to fill your tummy at my funeral buffet.
Can you do me a favour?
Make sure theyve not gone against my express wishes and served my loved ones quiche?
Ive always hated quiche,
Its deeply gay,
And forbidden in the house while im living.
Just pork pies, sausage rolls,
Meat paste butties,
Pickled onions etc.
Oh and if theyve done garlic bread smash the place up.
8
I’ll burn it to the fucking ground if they deviate from your excellent menu.
And sacrifice the caterers, in your honour.
Your entry to Valhalla will be glorious.
Evening, MNC. 👍
5
Thats a good chap👍
I’ll save you a seat at the all-fathers table.
Skōl!!🍺
5
It’s not fucking quiche it’s flan. Only hoity toity Cheshire cunts call it quiche.
8
Flan? Naw.
Really?
Oh, I like flan.
Klu klux flan.
6
The add sounds a little bit like carcassphone warehouse
“It’s only 1999.99.99 , call direct for the send off”
Small print
Terms and conditions apply cause gas prices gone through the lid
We take no responsibility for not fully burnt corpses
You’ve signed a contract and if the ashes are mixed with larger lumps a bigger urn is required .
It’s your sole responsibility too to look after the environment
5
I wonder if potty mouthed, low rent “YouTube” personality, Eddie “The Beast” Hall, has planned his funeral?
After watching him box, snig.ger, against that other brain surgeon last night, where he was “murdered”.
How the fuck do you train with professional boxers and trainers for several YEARS, then fight like that?
A critique of his “style”:
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
6
That was a poor show.
Either he did not follow the plan or his camp was a complete gouging panto.
All he needed was a few weeks watching Iron Mike weave inside bigger opponents guards and unleashing havoc.
4
Oven for me.
Perfect.
9
Pure cremation as opposed to what, a bonfire in the back garden…
That cunt who advertises this is so far away from the coffin (unless he has something serious) ‘my lot know how to party’, fuck me by the time he turns his toes up ‘they’ will be recycling old cunts to make organic fertiliser 😂
5
I wonder what Prince Andrew will get when his time comes? No big show for him, that’s for sure.
8
He whats his ashes put in a girl guides lucky dip apparently?
8
A night-time tip in a skip for me, or made into chum for the destitute dogs, or Greggs’ products.
8
I can see my funeral now – every good and stout Yorkshire resident rigid, in utter silence – you will be able to hear an atom drop never mind a pin.
Then the silence will be broken by one painful, heart rending cry – “You’ve bin stood at bar for three fuckin hours – will SOME CUNT get t’ first round in?”..😀👍
6
I am sure Cherie Blair has already planned Anthony’s send off, down to the last detail. She is using Campbell Mandelson Limited, Funeral Directors to the Gentry. Mandy will don his pink smock to do the make-up, while a slightly sozzled Mr Campbell will commission the coffin,made of gold and ivory – very sadly, being a little tired and emotional, they will have to call in one of those workmen johnnies with a chain saw as, due to a mix up, the 5ft 11 in Anthony has been provided with a 3ft 11in casket. His friends will be invited in for a private viewing – the likes of Stephen Byres, Alan Milburn, Yvette Mini-Cooper and Lord Levy-Already will gaze upon the flawless skin , the hands in an attitude of prayer, like a deceased Pope, and then when the grieving widow has paid her last respects (carefully concealing her pocket calculator) the pieces of the dear departed will be rearranged so that his “special” friends can pay their last respects – Mandy himself, Bendover Bradshaw, Peter “speaking as a gay man….” Kyle, Wesley Screeching, Chris Bryant, John Rentoul and Owen Jones will see the well preserved arse cheeks – it’s only fair that just once Anthony turns the other cheek and bend over backwards for them. They did it often enough for him. Allegedly.
3
Not as crass as DeadHappy, the life insurance company that advertises how great things will be when your loved one ‘kicks the bucket’
I find that grossly offensive and in extremely bad taste.
God save us from the brain dead wokeratie…
4
Myself and my officers offer a free cremation service. You will be transported by luxury train to your surprise destination. You will be met by Dogs with wagging tails and expert staff. Dont worry all your belongs will be looked after and sorted out.
You will get a Hair cut, free tattoo and a shower. ( Water not included ). Then cremation in one of our bespoke hand built ovens and finally given a green burial in the local river.
Please note only Cunts are excepted.
4
Its for the family really, they are only to happy when you agree to a funeral on the cheap, they want you sorted and gone for as close to fuck all as they can get, so they can start devvying up your life,s results, the money grabbing cunts.
Never seises to amaze me the change in people when they are think there is something to claim, i have an uncle who has made a right cunt of himself over the years where funerals/ inheretence was concerned,,,
1