One of the many reasons your average American weighs 4 tons is because they’re fucking lazy. This manifests itself in a variety of ways, one of which is their refusal to maintain their own lawns.
Round my way, most of the houses are visited by a bunch of Mexican illegal immigrants – sorry, I meant dedicated, law abiding, high quality landscaping artists – armed with a variety of lawn tending equipment. Industrial sized ride-on lawn mower (petrol driven), strimmer (petrol driven) and my personal favourite, the petrol powered leaf blower.
These cunts show up and cause the most almighty racket, oblivious to the fucking disturbance and nuisance they are causing. The windows in the average American home serve a single purpose. You can look through them. That’s it. Good at keeping heat in and cold out? Nope. Good at sound insulation? Nope. So when these arse clowns show up across the street with their lawn implements from hell, it sounds like you’ve got a fucking leaf blower in the room with you. And of course their mere presence sets off the fucking dogs left out in people’s gardens so we have to listen to those cunts barking their heads off too.
You’d think they’d be quick so as to reduce the noise and disruption to the neighbourhood. Nope. In these ‘enlightened’ times when the planet is about to implode due to fossil fuel usage, you’d think they’d use quieter electric powered tools. Nope. Use a broom to quietly sweep up the grass clippings from paths, the road, etc.? Nope, leaf blower. Windy day so clearing up is practically impossible? Nope, leaf blower. Rainy day so the clippings stick to paths, etc. No problem, fire up the leaf blower.
Spring has not sprung yet round my way. Everyone’s lawns are brown and dormant. Nothing has grown since the temperatures dropped in November last year. So there’s really nothing to cut, yet. Does that deter these bastards? Nope. They’re out there causing mayhem, running their mowers but not actually cutting anything because the grass is too short. Not edging anything because there’s nothing to edge and blowing leaves and dust around with fucking leaf blowers to help justify their existence. And the homeowners are paying them to do it! Who’s the bigger cunt here?
Like many people, I now work from home so my house is now my office. I don’t need these cunts disturbing my peace and quiet while I do my work which, as it happens, requires a high degree of concentration and attention to detail. If the locals cannot be bothered to cut their own lawns quickly and efficiently with minimal fuss on a Sunday morning like normal human beings, then I should be allowed to introduce a couple of friends to play with their lawn crews. Smith and Wesson.
Nominated by: Imitation Yank
As I write this I can hear my gardener outside trimming the lavender. He’ll soon disturb my neighbours by firing up his massive lawnmower. Good thing too – I can’t cut the grass because I’m allergic and it triggers an asthmatic reaction.
Blessed are the gardeners for they shall inherit the lawnmowers.
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Strange coincidence, IY. I’m currently in the process of laying a new lawn, and doing it all myself, I might add. Well almost. Have to admit that my wonderful neighbour with the fit as fuck Japanese wife is doing most of it. But that’s not important right now. On with the show!
13
Are you going to get her to mow it too?
Morning Ruff.
6
Afternoon, LL. As you may recall, we have a couple of uphill gardeners living next door, I’m hoping they will lend a hand with the mowing. Failing that, don’t suppose you’d be interested in returning to the Manor in exchange for a few shillings? Willie Stroker is too busy wasting time on his allotment to give a shiny shite about his poor beleaguered old ex-employer right now. Hard times indeed. Hope this finds you and your struggling family not in total penury.
9
Happy to Ruff, I will try and resist mowing ‘FUCK THE EU’ into the great lawn of Creampuff Manor as I did following the referendum. I should think your neighbourly gays are busy cultivating the marrows in the kitchen garden to worry about the lawncare anyway.
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👍😂👍
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Au contraire, RTC.
Additional details of the fit as fuck Japanese wife are very much important right now.
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I enjoy doing my own lawn. Maybe that is why I am a healthy weight. My mother pays a Mexican couple to do hers and they weight a ton each. So there goes that theory.
I also see many of the “asylum seekers” flooding over our southern border are over weight.
Funny that.
11
They’re fat MC because they spend too much of their valuable time sitting studying for the Architecture exams. They need to get out more. Oh wait, they are – illegally hiking across the border of another sovereign nation.
Fuck the humanitarian argument. Shoot on sight would be more effective. And cheaper.
6
Yes IY my idea is a completed wall with motion sensors and automated drones with rubber bullets to drive them away. What is happening now is so maddening. The very thought of it all splits the atoms in my piss.
3
#MeToo, MC.
How can any administration look the electorate in the eye and claim they will uphold the laws of the land and protect America, when they let the scum of the earth just stroll in unchallenged only to commit crime and sponge off welfare?
The millions of dollars being spent on illegals is millions of dollars not being spent on America and Americans. Not that I’m an American, but this is my home. For now.
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Can’t beat a nicely trimmed bush.
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Indeed Bertram. Words of wisdom.
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Hehe, my lawn is small enough to do it with grass scissors (well if you had a couple of hours spare).
I did my first cut a few days ago (electric mower, about 10 minutes), now we are heading back to winter 😂
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I can’t stand unnecessary noise from the street either. Now the clocks have changed that’s another hour of people’s rug rats twatting about in the street Instead of going to the park I am paying for.
The other extreme is Switzerland where you’re not allowed to mow the lawn on Sundays!
10
Right there with you, So Long. Round here, the cunting Home Owner’s Association steals money from homeowners and uses it to build playgrounds for people’s cunting kids.
What do the kids do? Play in the fucking street. If there’s a viable alternative to playing in the street and it is not acted upon, then you should be allowed to mow (see what I did there?) the bastards down. With extreme prejudice. And fire power.
4
Aaah, wetbacks. America’s version of pakıs.
Caramel-coloured cunts who nobody wants there that are slowly taking over.
At least beaners don’t blow kiddies up at pop concerts, I suppose.
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Some of those Mexcan girls are very spicy hot dishes.
Shame they grow beards after 40.
6
My croquet lawn is immaculately manicured….I use one of those “robot mowers”..or “Albert” as he’s better known in the village…he’s a Monger who I rent from the local care-home and he does a cracking job of pushing the vintage mower around my highly desirable and vast lawnage without disturbing me and the Hounds.
I enjoy cutting logs early on a Sunday morning in the field that adjoins my Townie neighbours…usually takes me until Pub opening time…if I get a right skinful,I like to sing “The cow kicked Nelly in the belly in the barn” at the top of my voice as I spend those wasted hours between afternoon closing and evening opening tuning chainsaws while sat on my magnificent heap of firewood.
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Most gardeners are theives.
Theyll take a shite in your rhodedendron bushes and not wipe their arse .
Never encourage familiarity by making them a “brew”
If theyre too feckless to bring a flask to work,
Theres a outside tap.
Same for tree felling types.
All vagabonds.
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Is the outside tap next to the artisan-made Cuntry Cream gate ?
8
Christ no!!
Dont want some scruffy wellyclad shitshoveller at the front door!!
As I told that Monty Don
‘tradesmens round the back.
I thought you of all people would know that!’
Insolent permed haired little tart!!
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Afternoon Mis.
Monty Don “Nature’s natural moisturiser”
According to Mrs. Wanksock
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How do Wanksock!👍
I dont believe Monty has ever gotten his hands dirty,
Gardening is hard graft!
Monty seems more like a hairdresser or a art historian.
Think its the bubble perm.
3
On trip to Maryland last year, we were entertained to a daily chorus of mechanised tools doing exactly what IY has posted! What a fucking din! No one seems to do their own gardens, and these Mex’s are not that cheap. I offered to do my hosts lawn for him but he wouldn’t have it. I endured 2 fucking weeks as the Mexican cunts did the whole fucking block. Bastards must have made a fortune !
8
Must be nice having a few sombrero wearing meccicans to help out for a few pesos?
“Well chico, hop to it!
“Sî senor’
Id make them wear stinkin badges,
Apparently they hate that?
And address me as senor El Diablo.
Theyd rue the day they sneaked over the rio grande.
If rained off id make them do Speedy Gonzales impressions for my amusement…
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There was a blackbird bouncing about on my lawn this morning as it happens.
I told her she could stay but that her husband and kids had better fuck off.
Sorry.
15
Our cat is racist. She’s spayed but she is best friend’s with a neighbour’s white Tom cat.
She hisses, spits and growls like a bastard when the local black cat comes anywhere near the property though.
It’s a fucking disgrace.
9
I’m going to report you….some bloke got locked up after teaching his dog to do a Nazi salute,so I expect and hope for a stiff sentence in your racist case.
10
Cats only look at the telly for stuff like snooker, they chase the balls the silly twats.
Well, I watch a few war documentaries. If Uncle Adolf comes on ranting and raving, she sits and watches intently all of a sudden.
The fucker’s going to get me 25 years.
10
Commiserations, IY. I understand how noise pollution can adversely affect your life. Most mornings there’s a fella who ‘performs’ in the park across the street. He walks ten paces waving his arms about and singing at the top of his voice, then turns round and walks back. He does this for an hour. He must be convinced he’s got a vast audience lapping it up. Fucking loony.
5
I’d be the first to admit I have VERY sensitive hearing and background noise does really bother me. Never officially diagnosed, but someone once suggested I may have hyperacusis. Maybe, maybe not. Doesn’t change the fact it’s just unreasonable to perform some activity in your front/back garden, the noise of which reverberates throughout the homes of everyone around you.
Same thing with the barking fucking dogs the lawn crews seem to antagonise. If your dog barks its head off, take the cunt back inside. How hard is that? But nooooooooooooo. We all just let Rover go bananas and everyone else can just put up with it. That’s the considerate and respectful level of the locals and hence why I don’t engage with any of them.
If I rigged up a machine in my garden, that gave a blast from an air horn every other second, I’d have the rozzers/neighbours round in a flash screaming blue murder. But if a dog barks continuously forever, that’s OK apparently. Cunts.
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Now this is a cunting I can totally relate to IY. This happens on a continental scale. Leaf blowers are a fucking scourge. On a summers day sometimes all you can smell is two stroke fumes.
As for Septic windows and doors, you are spot on. They are truly pathetic. In a British house with modern windows/doors you feel hermetically sealed from the outside world and you have 5 point locking on the front door. Security on the typical American front door could be overcome by a toddler. Then again there’s probably little point overdoing the locks anyway because any serious intruder could merely tear a hole in the papier mache like adjacent wall and enter through that. I think security in Septic homes relies on the assumption that Messes Smith and Wesson are at home.
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Leaf blowers. Where do you start, BH? Such a mindless, loud and obnoxious contraption. For those unfamiliar with the device we’re talking about, they’re the petrol powered back pack variety. Think Ghostbusters and you’ll have the general idea. They are fucking loud. And just blow dust, leaves, grass clippings, etc. from here over to there. The end. What’s the fucking point? All the cunt operator has done is move crap away from their customer’s property and closer to someone else’s. It is insane.
Don’t get me started on Yank windows and doors. Americans are so dense. They love these fancy dan decorative glass panel front doors and think they look oh so lovely. Ignoring the fact they significantly reduce your privacy and with the right footwear are easy to kick in. So shit from a security perspective too.
We had a security storm door fitted to a house we owned one time. The bloke who installed it told us you couldn’t get through this thing with a hammer and baseball bat. It was sturdy as fuck. He made the point that if someone wanted to get into the house, they shouldn’t bother with the door, just go through the wall next to the door instead. Seriously.
6
I love the smell of 2-stroke.
Only bettered by the smell of Castrol R40.
2
One of the few tangible benefits for my land rates is that the woke, soy, alphabet fascist, appeaser council of Fremantle mows my front yard twice a year so I don’t have to (not well, but it’s dead most of the year and I don’t want to encourage Botherfolk and chuggers to my door). What shits me is being a shift worker the yard staff at the nearby Papist school using blowers on their carpark at 6.40 every weekday morning, so the noise doesn’t interrupt the clerics child grooming.
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Glad my cunting compadres seem to understand the awfulness of this bastard phenomenon. The problem was worse where I used to live. The same fucking lawn crew used to service 4 house around mine. So instead of listening to the lawn equivalent of a 747 taking off for 15 to 20 minutes, we’d get it for an hour and a half. Every fucking week! I hated those cunts.
When this first started, the illegals used to park their fucking pickup and trailer in front of my house. They’d all pile out and stand on my lawn (no foot path in that street) yapping in foreign, then unload their bastard machines, fire them up, etc. After one week of that I flew out there and told them to park somewhere else, i.e. outside the house of one of their cunt customers. They didn’t park outside my house again. No, I didn’t go out there with my .357 but I sure thought about it.
It’s raining this morning, so you’d think that would deter the cunts. I doesn’t.
11
I have no problem getting my larger than average back garden maintained. and it all happens in complete silence (flower beds enclosing the astro-turf).
Me and the missus shares it.
She does all the garden maintenance and I sit in it drinking beer.
4
Astro turf?!!
Like for crazy golf?
I wouldn’t set foot on anything but a camomile lawn.
(Sniff)
😀
3
Curling one off on Fiddlers croquet lawn must be a real privilege, Miserable.
2
You should move to Oz IY, gardeners here are all subcontinentals, natives or meth head colonial folk. It makes me think of the good old days, enjoying a gin fizz watching other cunts working.
.
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“enjoying a gin fizz” coupled with your pic made me chuckle. Good on ya, mate!
2
I remember driving 20+ years ago from Miami to Disneyworld with my daughter with a stopover in Cape Canaveral. We drove for hours along pancake flat highways (tollbooths every few miles, unfortunately) and seldom saw anyone except Latino peons tending lawns and golf courses. There were hundreds of them yet hardly a Yank in sight. They were presumably indoors watching American football (anyone know the rules?) and guzzling Budweiser because precious few were actually out on the manicured links swinging a gold club.
3
Good observation Mr P. It is a curious phenomenon you describe, but for a country founded by bold outdoor frontiers folk, septics do spend a lot of their time indoors I find. In winter it is bitterly cold up here in the NE and summers can be oppressive hot. Some people seem to never set foot outside away from AC or Central heating. No wonder so many of them are so emasculated and pussified.
Being Brits, where we’re grateful for any sign of the sun, Mrs H and me get outside anytime the sun is shining and we’re the eccentric British couple in the neighborhood.
2
I would be the eccentric British guy in my neighbourhood too (Mrs Yank is a Yank), but I don’t speak to any of my neighbours. I hate everyone and they can all fuck off and die for all I care.
After 20 years, I still haven’t blended in. LOL.
6
Imitation Yanl, are you like the family in The ‘Burbs (1989) the Tom Hanks movie?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5y7YCFsu2E&ab_channel=WatchingU
Great film.
2
Ha! I do like that movie.
The ‘red rover’ scene is priceless.
4
Do you fly the Union Flag just for kicks in your neighborhood IY? A lot of them around here still think it’s 1776
1
BH – I do not, though it has occurred to me, particularly on their gay July 4th so called holiday. I actually have a massive George cross England flag. It usually hangs in the garage. Maybe it needs a proper airing.
1
I doubt many septics would recognize the George cross IY though the Union jack brings out the visceral 1776 spirit in many.
Sounds to me as though you’re the guy sat on his porch in a rocking chair with a blanket and a double barreled 12 bore on his lap!
0
That’s a lovely, heart warming image, BH. In the years to come, probably not far from the truth.
“Get orf moi laaaand”
1
I wouldn’t mind mowers and strimmers, dunno about leaf blowers as none of the thieving bastards have managed to nick one yet for “resale”,
they are preferable to the screaming noise of over-revved trail bikes being raced up and down the road all day, every day.
I await the day one of the cunts overcook it with relish.
2
There’s a cunt outside right now with a fucking mower. Quick cunters poll, which should I select?
A) .22
B) 38 Special
C) 9mm
D) .357
5
None. I’d go for a AIM-9X Sidewinder heat seeking missile.
More of a sure bet.
2
LOL. That would have the added benefit of destroying the lawns and thus removing the problem going forward. A win-win.
I like your thinking, MMCM. Now I’m sure I saw those Sidewinders on Amazon somewhere……
4
I’d use my 30.30 Bangchester….makes a bigger hole in the cunts.
1
Probably too late now but if I had the choice I think that’s a scenario made for a 12 gage with 00 buckshot.
Be sure to shout ‘have a load of this ya varmint’ as you chase them down the street.
2
That’s a lovely image. Well played. BH.
1
My old neighbours in Gloucester, Fred and Rose never made a racket in their garden, despite being in it well into the night all year round, never mind the weather. Very discrete gardeners. I hope Fred is doing well in his dotage these days, he must be about 80 now.
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They sound like a charming couple. I wish I had neighbours like that.
7
They were. They were always having people over to their house. I think they had some sort of entertainment room in their basement, I’d often hear they partying, screaming with laughter.
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Such a shame community spirit like that has gone. They sound like neighbours to die for.
5
Yes – it’s nice to see and hear people taking simple pleasure from human company.
5
OK, at this point in the thread I don’t know who’s taking the piss more.
6
Years ago, Fred used to be a cunter on ISAC. I miss him.
2
He was indeed, Allan. A bit left leaning but good banter with the other regulars at the time.
I miss birdman. He was hilarious.
Quite a few old regulars are MIA, e.g.
– The Empire Cunts Back
– Titslapper
– Norman
– Black and White Cunt
– Flaxon Saxon
Sometimes the old timers surface in The Deadpool which is good.
1
Titslapper continues to post sporadically.
A few others off the top of my head:
Richard1
Quick Draw McGraw
Willie Stroker
Cuntflap
Rebel without a Cunt
Kendo Nag
Mecha-Rigsby
Cunts n’ Roses
Skidmark Eggfart
Bertie Blunt Tory Cunt
1
Trouserbulge
Cunto
Shîtcake Baker
Asimplearsehole
1
I spent a bit of time working in Pontypridd a while back, Was quite impressed by a friendly chap who worked for the council, He “swept” the entire town in about half an hour using what seemed to be a top of the range Stihl backpack type leaf blower every morning.
He would blow everything into the road with it and a roadsweeper followed him round, All around 6am for added noise value.
1
What a massive cunt.
We’ve heard some lawn crews start up at 6 something in the morning. A few will start at 7ish, especially in the summer when the heat gets going by late morning.
We have noise ordinances which prohibit this of course, but unless the cunts are caught red handed the authorities can’t/won’t do anything about it. So they get away with it. Absolute bastards.
Spring time is absolute fucking mayhem. Lawn crews. Tree trimming. Pressure washing homes/driveways. You name it. All the fucking time and all fucking loud. The neighbours don’t give a shit about the noise, then expect you to be all ‘Mr Rogers’ when they call out “hello” or “good morning”. Fuck off you pig shit ignorant, inconsiderate, disrespectful, thoughtless, entitled pile of cunt!
Other people’s noise brings out the worst in me I’m afraid. Especially since I am so quiet and respectful of my surroundings. Makes me wonder why I bother.
1
I read the nom in a gravelly voiced Italian/American accent. I was a bit pissed off when it didn’t end with…..”So I whacked him”.
2
That could be arranged. I own several firearms and probably shouldn’t. 🙂
1
Sorry to disrupt the conversation, in the header pic there were some interesting trousers. Recently, in a cross-cultural exchange of Salvo’s second-hand trousers for North African (or nearby) carpets, something unusual transpired.
I’d seen these freaks walking around in trousers about a foot too long in The Midlands so was aware of the style BUT had thought they couldn’t get the right size or didn’t have a sewing machine to turn them up. Not so. They actually WANT the foot-too-long leg length, AND the most revolting styles any sane person would send straight to the Salvation Army as soon as possible after receiving a pair as a gift.
This is reflected in the excellent header, the leftmost model exemplifying the look. “Classy” is not the word.
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