Cunt Speak

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For the past year or so I have not actually received any emails.
Instead I have people who are ‘reaching out to me’.

Replies to the various emails that I send have also included this ridiculous term.
“Thank you for reaching out to us”.

When I don’t reply to any of that twaddle I then get messages asking, “How can we take this conversation forward?”.

Who thinks of these fucking stupid terms and what mentality must you have to use them?

There is a new one……
It seems that people no longer ‘reply’ to enquiries, they don’t ‘answer’ you anymore.
They revert.

“Thank you for reaching out to us, we will revert to you”.

I was always taught to write as I would speak.
Plain English so as to be understood.

If I do take the time to reply to these cunts I make it very clear that I will not do business with any idiot who “Reaches out or reverts”.

It’s Cunt Speak and it’s everywhere.

Nominated by: The Artful Cunter

62 thoughts on “Cunt Speak”

  1. “Touch base”

    “Thank you for your patience”

    “So…” before every statement.

    It’s all a load of “best practice” shit

  2. This all started with Tony Cunt-Blair and his gobbledygook “lighthouses” “stakeholders” etc etc bollocks

    • If I could just hitch hike on the back of you comment to negatively agree.

      The first I touched base and interfaced with this bollocks was when watching Drop The Dead Donkey, years before that War Criminal Blair got to power.

      The manglement boss in it, Gus, was always spouting shit like this, so for years I only knew it as Gusspeak, this was before I internalised the actuality that management speak was an real thing to some people and not just a comic invention.

      The US Military dialect of this garbage that I recall hearing on a couple of occasions is particularly insane (the USAF wonk made incomprehensible noises in what I assume he thought was technical English, I’d be charitable and say USinese, but even the yank engineer in his team from Lockheed-Martin looked at him blankly..) but I’ve read that our lot have now picked up the ‘w@nkword’ habit as well.

      It’s use for anything other than comedic effect is the sign of a truly diseased mind.

  3. Thanks for reaching out with this nom. Your nom is important to us. Let’s touch base and take this nom forward. You have to think out the box for a nom like this and it’s an example of blue sky thinking. Your nom is the new normal and we’ll circle back to it. Let’s synergise your nom, take it to the next level and pivot your nom. Please keep me in the loop of your nom.

    Have a nice day.

  4. So…….err……I don’t know why I began this sentence with “so” but that’s the way I roll these days. The simple fact is, due to the explosive advances in the mass media, the spoken word has long since replaced the written word in the hierarchy of communication. It’s only when when we write the shit we speak down that we realise we are talking like cunts.
    When you went to school you would have been lost without a pen and, like me, you probably had one of those little pocket dictionaries. They would laugh at you now. What the fuck do you think auto correct and predictive text are for boomer? Marshall McCluhan had it right all those years ago……the medium IS the fucking message. I didn’t really understand what he was on about then but I do now innit?

  5. It’s corporate American Google speak and it’s used solely by Microsoft sized CUNTS.

    Good morning chaps.

    • Yes. With all due respect to our small but esteemed contingent of American cunters, this cunt speak comes from the USA.

      Right back at yer, kiddo 🤯

    • And your “passion” and whatever you’re “passionate “ about.
      The other thing that gets on my tits is the upward inflection at the end of a sentence, as though you’re appearing in an episode of Neighbours.

      Good Morning

      • Oh and “feelings “ Why must everyone be asked how they feel all the time? When will someone answer two in the pink one in the stink?

    • Even poor cancer patients are told they are on a “journey with cancer”. As if it makes them feel better.

  7. So, I genuinely heard a thing on the radio the other day where it was being mooted that being required to speak proper English was racist. FFS,
    Just felt I needed to raise awareness of this to the cunting community in general as clearly, much work needs to be done.
    I arks you…

    • Oh yes Toby, “arks” is very black, very American and very noticeable. But nobody would spell it that way. (I hope)

      Do kids play “hangman” these days? I don’t know but I would have thought it’s very difficult when neither of you has a clue how to spell.

    • I am that rare type of modern man-I have a large set of balls and will tell some cunt using “pidgin” English, “Jafaican” or modern “cyber-speak”:

      -please speak English, I don’t understand a word you are saying

      -did you have the benefit of 12-14 years of free, tax payer funded education? Yes? Then I imagine English language was not on your curriculum?

      Etc.

      Revert? My understanding of “revert” or “reversion”, is to change back to type.

      As in:
      “I can tell by your use of “modern speak”, that despite your perfectly normal, outward appearance, you are in fact, a monumental cunt!”
      🤔

    • I was wondering if I was alone in suffering Thermo Urinary Trauma for that one.
      Going forward, beloved of box-ticking cunts, middle management Cunts.
      Always makes me think of the quoons’ chorus at the end of his opera Treemonisha (even pre-1917, there was a character called “The Goofa Dust Man”, when they all sing “Marching Onwards”…
      Now, a-1 a-2, a-1, 2, 3, 4…after me
      “Going forwards, going forwards,
      Going too that lovely tune…”

  10. I haven’t recovered from going to Tesco to stock up on Fray Bentos pies only to discover they weren’t in the correct spot…as you can imagine, I was aghast and,I’m not frightened to admit,rather tearful… I immediately confronted a nearby shelf-stacking Slag and demanded to know what her game was….all I could get out of the confused Trout was assurances that she’d fetch a “Colleague”…not “some Cunt who knows what yer on about,you mental old Wanker”…had to be “colleague” indeed…not that the fucking “colleague” was any help…. just kept asking if I had anyone accompanying me…just why she saw fit to so blatantly mock my obvious lack of desirability and appeal when all I wanted was a pie and not to join a fucking dating club,was beyond me…..eventually other “colleagues” arrived and kindly directed me to my Holy Grail…”B+M across the street keeps the shite..now Fuck Off before we call the Police”

    Tesco…Every little helps.

    • If one shops in Tesco then one deserves all one gets.

      In Waitrose one is personally guided to the required article by a Partner. I am surprised that a person of your obvious status should even consider such down market retailers…

      • As Basil Fawlty said to his wife Cybill, in that episode with the con man, posing as a Lord of the realm, where she is suspicious of his Lordships tatty briefcase:

        (I am paraphrasing here)

        “Only a true Lord if the realm would have such tat!”

        Our Lord Fiddler has inherited one of the true virtues of his breeding: thrift!
        😉

      • Do the partners offer sexual favours? I used to know a rather luscious blonde wine expert in a Norfolk Waitrose…

  11. I am still trying to work out a statement I heard in a news interview regarding a waste of time ‘academic ‘ conference on the music of Prince. His former guitarist kept referring to ‘the granularity of impact’. Three years on I am still none the wiser; perhaps one of the wiser members of IsAC could help me.

  12. The language of the insincere, like ‘your call is important to us’. No it’s fucking not! If it was you’d employ enough staff so I’m not stranded on hold forever. ‘Thank you for your suggestions’. What fucking suggestions? I emailed complaining that you are incompetent cunts. That’s a statement of fact, not a suggestion. ‘Your safety and comfort are paramount’. What the fuck are you on about? Everyone knows Paramount are a Hollywood film production company. Americanised corporate speak favoured by those trying to get your money, or trying to get you to fuck off once they’ve got it.

    • HSBC…
      We are experiencing especially high call volumes.

      This is on their recorded message every fucking time I phone, so either a) they are lying cunts, or
      b) the fucking cunts need to employ more… fucking cunts.
      Bastardverminscum.

  13. Please “cascade” this email to your “troops”.
    That one really boils my Piss. Anti-aircraft gun firing squad, then oven just in case

    • Send three and four pence, we`re going to a dance.

      Maybe Putin’s troops were all members of the Bolshoi Ballet.
      By the left, quick… Mince!!

  14. The one that really irritates me at the moment is: “we’re on it.” What the hell does that even mean?!

    It’s a paradigm shift that’s for sure…

  15. I know we have discussed this cunt before-the freaky “spokesperson” for XR, Zion Lights (😂😂😂), on Andrew Neil’s show.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=H3kJwQBZOkM

    “Her” use of so” to start practically every-fucking-sentence, boiled my piss in record time 👎

    If it looks like a cunt, etc…….

  17. Nine months after I sent them my tax return, HM Revenue & Customs have finally got around to admitting they overtaxed me last year and owe me a load of dosh. For which I’ll have to wait another 6 weeks, incidentally.
    In their enclosed tat I see these comedians still refer to me as a ‘customer’. If I was a fucking customer I could take my business elsewhere as I’m unhappy with their service, couldn’t I?
    Cunt speak alright. Good cunting, AC.

  18. The most infuriating cunt speak is the use of the term “buddy”. Outside of the USA where it’s natural (like our term “mate”), you know that any Englishman that says “buddy” is a cast iron cunt. “Buddy” is the mating call of our own home grown cunts.

  19. So, this shit as been around forever. 60’s, dig man were going to a happening…..
    I would like to reach out and punch the stakeholder holding up the sign,”some women have penises”.
    Cunts everyone of them.

  21. I was once asked by a senior manager for an update on how things were progressing with my assigned task.
    He could have simply asked, “How long will it take?”
    But no, as a bastion of stupidity and modern management speak, he of course asked, “What’s your time-frame on that?”
    Jesus H Christ.
    Needless to say, a steam vent was soon required for my underwear.

    • I know just what you mean.

      I had an app called “buzzword bingo” on my phone, which used “management speak phrases” instead of numbers. At most meetings I attended I would get a full house. Although I used to update others on my scores it was all a bit meaningless really because I could never persuade them to download the app so we could compete. I even offered to buy beer/cream cakes/whatever for anyone who could beat me but they still wouldn’t join in. Mind you, I was the only one with my mortgage paid off😁

  22. Excellent nom. Human excrement that use the word ‘like’ at least 5 times in every sentence: “And we, like, realised that we were, like, terminal, like, cunts for using the word, like, ‘like’. Usually uttered with other irritating imports: a vocal fry and an Australian Question Intonation. Get fucked and talk fucking English.

    • Ooh. That is one of my favourites.

      Overhearing a conversation where some stupid splitarse is trying to convey simple facts to a co-splitarse, using ‘like’ after every other word.

      Just say the word ‘like’ every time they do and watch as they get utterly confused, get up and walk off.

      Works every time.

      • Maureen Lipman pointed out, it’s not “like Monday”… Either it’s Monday, or Sunday, or Tuesday.

  23. Many years ago I had a lost bag in transit from London to Boston, after going through the process of reporting the missing bag (American Airlines) I was given a telephone number to call for updates and was assured that they had located the bag in London and it would be on the next flight and would be deliver to the address where I was staying (about 70 miles from Boston).
    The next day I telephoned the ‘help line’ and as usual the Americans are very polite and helpful but what I found hilarious was the statement ‘we are trying to get your bag closer to you’ as though being 70 miles away Is better that 2000 miles but I guess they assume it gives me a warm feeling knowing that my possessions are actually getting closer to me 😂

  24. Let’s have a “pow wow” about your query or “ishoo’s,” fuck off, what’s wrong with saying a talk or chat about your problem, you self important cunt!!!

  25. This is management consultant speak and I urge everyone to start a game of bullshit bingo including every phrase likely to be used if you are going to be sat in some wanky conference or seminar that you couldn’t somehow wriggle out of.

    Blue sky thinking

    Touch base

    Reach out

    Stakeholders……. Bingo!!!!

  26. To continue with set-up, select English or British English………………..?

  27. ‘That being said,’

    ‘Moving forward,’

    ‘Put your trousers back on or I’m calling security.’

    All things I’m tired of hearing

  28. This thread is a microcosm of all that is wrong with modern society.
    Talentless cunts learn these words in business class and can’t wait to use them in meetings to show off. The thing that really fucks me off is using hand gestures when talking, and exaggerated nodding when someone else is speaking. MPs are the worst for this, and then they complain when you threaten to come round and sort them out.

  29. “I’m reaching out to you”..
    “Why? Av you got long fucking arms?”
    “So”..
    “Sew? Am I a fucking seamstress?”
    Ah, the fun I have with these coves..

  30. A lot of this crap does come from the States, but we have a Brit cunt called Kevin Macleod who presents the TV show Grand Designs. His aim is to come across as an intellectual while describing house building projects. One of his unforgettable comments was “It has no immediate visual impact”. He meant you can’t see it.

    • Kevin Macleod has no immediate visual impact on me, because I can’t bear to watch him and the up-their-own-arse bourgeois tossers on his crappy programmes.

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