Pointless Media Headlines

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I would like to Cunt stupid and pointless headlines in the press.

The ones that are of no real interest to the average British reader or the ones that miss the giant elephant 🐘 sat in the room.

For example
BBC News Link

Pardon the Taliban ban long road trips for women. My reaction is oh wow what a non story the fucking Taliban ban everything worthwhile in life this has been common knowledge for well, ever. The only thing they don’t ban is torture and killing this takes place everyday yet let’s talk about long journeys.

Another example where I feel that the writer has missed or ignored the point

GB News Link

I believe a more appropriate headline would be “frenchies still can’t stop ✋ illegal immigrants getting into boats đŸšŁâ€â™€ïž , do they actually want to “. ? Or are the French police really that fucking useless.

Trawl the news sites fellow cunters and you will see that this happens over and over again. Maybe someone could invent a pair of spot the elephant 🐘 in the room specs.

Nominated by: Everyonesacunt

138 thoughts on “Pointless Media Headlines”

  1. The Guardian:
    When our Muslim overlords take power expect a steep rise in high rise car park flying lessons..

    Pigs.

      • Figures now show that Britain is now at least 51% Muslim, following the mass conversion of football fans at what is now called the “Wembley Hajj” where over 5 million fans, inspired by the predominantly Muslim football players in England now, marched to the famous Cathedral of Football, now often called, “The Mosque of Football” to submit to the will of Allah.

        “It’s been an overwhelmingly emotional month for us Muslims,” said F.A, Chairman, Lord Lineker who controversially converted to Islam during the war with China and Russia in the previous decade.

  2. Anything in the ‘Waily Fail’ especially those that allude to
    ‘shortages’ or have

    ‘March of the
.’

    Or ‘rise of the 
.’

    In the headline or leader.

    Fucking pathetic attention seeking, click baiting non journalistic wankers.

      • Doris needs dragging through OP sheepdip, upside down. Or maybe it’s already happened, which might explain a lot…

    • The Daily Suppress is almost as bad, but do occasionally have a Columnist who isn’t afraid to reject kissing the arse, in favour of some well written criticism.
      I suspect none of them will be getting a mention on the Honours list any time soon. I also suspect none of them give a monkeys toss.

  4. COLSTON FOUR DIE IN BIZARRE STATUE ACCIDENT.

    Onlookers dismayed as statue of Cecil Rhodes, which they were attempting to pull off it’s plinth, twisted in mid air, bounced off the university wall and squashed the four.
    The four took two hours to die.
    An enquiry into the delay of attending paramedics, to be launched.

    Spokesperson for the ######## Ambulance Trust, DCI Gene Cunt, made the following statement:

    “Fuck em!”
    👍
    Para

    • That would be hilarious! Yeah, fuck standing underneath a 2-tonne object as it falls 30 feet and you are to gleckit to move out the way!

  5. BREAKING NEWS:
    LIVERPOOL DENTISTS USED AS EMERGENCY VACCINATION CENTRES AS COVID CASES SKYROCKET. JURGEN KLOPP DEVASTATED.

  7. CHRIS WHITTY BEAMED UP TO HOME PLANET:
    Government scientific advisor Chris Whitty has today been ordered to return to his home planet by the leader of his species, after completing his mission to sow incompetence and disorder within the government. The unnamed leader declined to comment, but a spokesalien was quoted as saying that Whitty’s activities had been “of vital importance”, and had “paved the way for an imminent invasion.” So, with that being said, we would like to welcome our new alien overlords, and remind them that we will stoop to any depths necessary in pursuit of their service.

    • Fucking hell this creative writing malarkey is hard. How on earth does Ron manage to do it in his noms?

      • Amid the years of scandalous revelations from former employees and astronauts that NASA has been deceiving the world since 1958, it was decided by President Kardashian to close and abolish the agency. ‘It was like… not hard to close NASA. I mean… we found out the Earth is not a globe and we found that Firmament above us, so… y’know, WASTE OF MONEY! Now we’ll spend that money building a Stairway to Heaven in Jerusalem and get selfies with God! Gonna be AWESOME!!!” said the 2036 landslide-winning President.

  9. It has been confirmed by Prime Minister Eddie Izzard that Boris Johnson’s funeral procession will also include a parade. “We rarely saw eye-to-eye,” said the Prime Minister solemnly, “but Boris and I shared a love of this country and it is only right that we celebrate his life and his courage in the previous war, where he stood strong, much like his hero, Winston Churchill did in the face of evil. Mayor Philip Schofield and I have yet to discuss the details of the event, but it is hoped that The Rolling Stones and The Who will play their best songs for us all. Thank you,” said Britain’s first LGBTQ+ Prime Minister.

  13. In what is being called, “The Match of the Millennium,” rank-outsiders Scotland who dramatically defeated Algeria, France and Brazil all in extra-time, are to face ancient rivals, England in Montevideo on Sunday. Scotland manager, Steve Clarke who became manager back in 2019, said he never thought he’d see this day, stating, “well, anything can happen in football and we saw that in 2026 when Senegal demolished France, but this is on a whole other level, the world will grind to halt, saving 22 men on a pitch in the birthplace of the World Cup, it’s going to be a day long remembered.”

    • Scotland in a World Cup final?
      For football?
      Sorry Gordon-that headline is just too fantastc😄

      • Headline? HEADLINE? It’s one of Nostradamus’ prophecies!

        Dans une immense zone en forme de bol
        Je vois les Écossais et les Anglais
        S’affronter dans un jeu oĂč une balle est hochĂ©e
        Je ne vois pas le résultat

        – Quatrain 874

        Clear as crystal, folks!

  14. BREAKING NEWS: SWAN ESCAPES AGAIN.
    The Sandford Citizen can confirm that the swan which absconded from captivity shortly after Sergeant Angel’s arrival has once again escaped to terrorise the village. In other developments, police have confirmed that the crusty jugglers currently occupying the playing field are expected to be moved on by Saturday, in time for next week’s Village of the Year competition.

  15. The one that really made me howl with laughter, is the one that reported a bloke had fallen into a vat of cider and drowned. Apparently, fermenting products produce dangerous fumes.
    I commented ” will they still sell the cider, but put” with added body ” on the label?”
    Some people thought it in poor taste.

    • The best Zummerzet scrumpy was made using a dead rat (the second-best used a chicken – both disappeared completely during the fermentation) Perhaps it still is. Tasted like horsepiss, and four pints stretched you out on the floor.

  16. OUTRAGE AS SAJID JAVID COMPARED TO C-3PO
    “I look like a Malteser, not a fucking robot!”, the furious health secretary was quoted as saying

    • SAJID JAVID
      BEATEN TO
      DEATH

      In the wake of, “Koran Gate,” in which smart phone footage of Sajid David was seen spitting on the Koran and calling Islam, “a load of shit, innit? Only homo camel-fuckers in the Middle East believe that idiotic shit!” the former London Major had fled to the mountains in Wales with a band of followers, but was tracked down by over 40,000 Muslims, “The Javid Jihad” who had been marching to Wales since Ramadan ended and where Javid was savagely beaten, sodomised, murdered and set on fire. No one from the government or police has yet to make an official statement, but former footballer, Rio Ferdinand said this, “It’s disgraceful, the man was just having a laugh! I mean, it was Halloween, he was in costume as Tommy Robinson, that’s why he was so badly dressed and was whited-up.”

  17. CUNTERS ERRADICATE THE WOKE IN ALL OUT ASSAULT FOR MORAL FREEDOM, made up headline for now, but I like it.

  18. SCHOOLS DROP ALLL QUALIFIKASIONS DU TO POORE IN ENGLUSH LANGUGE SPMELLING SKILZ BY IMMMOGRUNTZ.

  20. BREAKING NEWS

    Greta Thunderbirds found choked to death on lettuce leaf while on Zoom call telling the world about her stolen future.

    • JOE BIDEN DIES HAVING SEX WITH DUMMY: Greta said she is shocked that he could still get it up, but she did enjoy the ice cream he bought her.

  21. Paul McCartney Overcooks Egg

    Beatles legend, Paul McCartney, 87, revealed his horror yesterday, when all his troubles were so far away, at frying an egg for 25 minutes. “I totally forgot about it. Bargain Hunt was on and I got distracted,” said the Fab 4 star. “I heard this bang from the pan and the egg sort of exploded. I shouted for our Stella, but this happened once before when I tried to fry an egg – no reply. I tried to eat it because I’m a right right cunt me, but it was fucked. All you need is love? Bollocks, all I fucking need is an unburnt egg. Now get off my property before I set the dogs on you,” shouted the octogenarian musical genius, as we hastily made our exit.

  22. Demis Roussos invents time machine – shock as portly Greek crooner returns from ‘the grave’ to reveal all on Ant and Dec’s TV takeaway.

    • Breaking news!!

      Thatcher stops work on PMs hair to concentrate on cottage roof.
      Johnson said to be inconsolable.

  26. Shock at new EastEnders Dot Cotton Pissflaps Plot

    Over 12 complaints were received by Ofcom yesterday, after the BBC’s flagship soap, EastEnders, featured a plot in which Dot Cotton hides boat refugees inside her pissflaps so they could avoid deportation. EastEnders director, Phil Bollocks, said, “We wanted to show the power of the elderly woman and the power of her sexual organs, as well as championing diversity and all that shite,” said Mr Bollocks. “And if you don’t like it, you can get fucked. And don’t even think about not paying the BBC licence. We’ll send the heavies around to kick you in the cunt, you old bags,” he ranted as he burned a ÂŁ50 note in our faces while cackling at the same time.

    • Breaking news!!

      French premier dating corpse!

      French PM Emanuel Macron was in hiding this morning as details of his extramarital affair with ms Elise Jervaux who died in 1998 came to light.
      Macron known for his love of mature woman was recently photographed climbing over the gates of le rue demorgue cemetery, Paris at 3am.
      Ms Jervaux refused to comment.

  30. If only…..

    BLACKFORD SUFFERS FATAL HEART ATTACK LIVE ON TV
    STARMER DIAGNOSED WITH CERVICAL CANCER
    STURGEON & DODDS SHARE TOP SPOT IN UGLINESS POLL
    ‘GEORDIE TWATT IS MY LOVER’ – MORDAUNT

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