It’s that time of year again. Go into any shop, café or restaurant and they’ll be playing THAT c.d; the one with ‘Happy Xmas (War Is Over), ‘Fairytale of fucking New York’ and ‘Merry Christmas Everybody’. Please, just make it stop.

To be fair, most of the songs aren’t bad, they’ve just been played to death every year. They’re white noise, and you just have to blank them out. Unfortunately, there is a clusterfluck of Christmas songs which are so abysmal that every available copy should be thrown into a mine shaft and buried in rubble, never to be heard again.

I’ve got a few of these cunts on my list, but in the interests of brevity, I’ll limit myself to a run-down of my five ultimate barrel-scrapers;

5. Band Aid; ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’
As if the sight of a bunch of smug millionaire cunts (inc. usual suspects Bono and Sting) virtue-signalling for Africa wasn’t bad enough, they recorded one of the poorest songs ever written to add to the pain.
You Tube Link

4.Paul McCartney; ‘Wonderful Christmastime’
As bland and anonymous as magnolia wallpaper, pretty much like most of Macca’s post-Beatles output. Listening to this is like sinking slowly into quicksand.
You Tube Link

3.David Bowie and Bing Crosby; ‘Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy’
Nut-numbingly twee rendition by possibly the most bizarre musical pairing in history. Odd. Just…odd.
You Tube Link

2. Jona Lewie; ‘Stop The Cavalry’
As wince-inducing as fingernails down a blackboard, this tripe seems to have secured its status as a Christmas song simply based on the fact that it contains the line ‘wish I was at home for Christmas’. The musical equivalent of the shits.
You Tube Link

1. NewSong; ‘The Christmas Shoes’.
The vomit-inducing story of a child whose mom is dying, and he wants to buy her some shoes so that she will look beautiful ‘if she meets Jesus tonight’. Should come with a health warning; ‘listening to this may induce self-harming’.
You Tube Link

Well, I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know, and I’ll be avoiding the cunt songs on this list like an attack of Covid.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO CUNTERS EVERYWHERE!

Nominated by: Ron Knee

And let’s not forget the many offerings of Chas and Dioclese over the years. In our opinion it’s only right to slaughter some of these ear benders and their versions are vastly superior to the originals – Admin