The Worst Christmas Song Ever

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It’s that time of year again. Go into any shop, café or restaurant and they’ll be playing THAT c.d; the one with ‘Happy Xmas (War Is Over), ‘Fairytale of fucking New York’ and ‘Merry Christmas Everybody’. Please, just make it stop.

To be fair, most of the songs aren’t bad, they’ve just been played to death every year. They’re white noise, and you just have to blank them out. Unfortunately, there is a clusterfluck of Christmas songs which are so abysmal that every available copy should be thrown into a mine shaft and buried in rubble, never to be heard again.

I’ve got a few of these cunts on my list, but in the interests of brevity, I’ll limit myself to a run-down of my five ultimate barrel-scrapers;

5. Band Aid; ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’
As if the sight of a bunch of smug millionaire cunts (inc. usual suspects Bono and Sting) virtue-signalling for Africa wasn’t bad enough, they recorded one of the poorest songs ever written to add to the pain.
You Tube Link

4.Paul McCartney; ‘Wonderful Christmastime’
As bland and anonymous as magnolia wallpaper, pretty much like most of Macca’s post-Beatles output. Listening to this is like sinking slowly into quicksand.
You Tube Link

3.David Bowie and Bing Crosby; ‘Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy’
Nut-numbingly twee rendition by possibly the most bizarre musical pairing in history. Odd. Just…odd.
You Tube Link

2. Jona Lewie; ‘Stop The Cavalry’
As wince-inducing as fingernails down a blackboard, this tripe seems to have secured its status as a Christmas song simply based on the fact that it contains the line ‘wish I was at home for Christmas’. The musical equivalent of the shits.
You Tube Link

1. NewSong; ‘The Christmas Shoes’.
The vomit-inducing story of a child whose mom is dying, and he wants to buy her some shoes so that she will look beautiful ‘if she meets Jesus tonight’. Should come with a health warning; ‘listening to this may induce self-harming’.
You Tube Link

Well, I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know, and I’ll be avoiding the cunt songs on this list like an attack of Covid.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO CUNTERS EVERYWHERE!

Nominated by: Ron Knee

And let’s not forget the many offerings of Chas and Dioclese over the years. In our opinion it’s only right to slaughter some of these ear benders and their versions are vastly superior to the originals – Admin

86 thoughts on “The Worst Christmas Song Ever”

  1. In all honesty, I would struggle to name a single one as the worst ever, they are all truly awful, with one sole exception.

    The Pretenders – 2000 Miles.

    • I fucking hate 2000 miles.

      At a family Christmas Dinner, which happened to be my Mum’s last. This was played almost on loop.

      It reminds me of the futility of life and the inevitable loss of everything you love.

  2. I can’t listen to ‘Fairytale of New York’ without thinking of the unpisstakeable death of the unfortunate Kirsty MacColl via some cunt driving a speedboat through an area reserved for swimmers and in front of her kids too.
    Hopefully Bob Geldof will suffer the same fate where, through a series of hilarious maritime coincidences, he falls off a ferry and is hit by a speedboat being driven towards England by the offspring of one of the starving s00ties he rather unwisely saved in the mid-80’s.

    • Great to see that ,after the last set of offerings, we are back on track being world weary, grumpy bastards.

      • To be fair, I could win the lottery, rid England of all her enemies overnight, get a blowjob from Daniella Westbrook and I’d still despise Geldof!

  3. Anyone releasing a Christmas song is a money grabbing cunt.

    A Christmas song reveals the vacuous talent devoid attention seeking narcissism of any performer.

    Do they need the money that badly?

    The same people will now record a personalised Christmas/birthday etc message for 30 quid upwards.

    Cunts

    • I always thought that about Cliff Richard. He claims to be a devout Christian, cashed in on it for years with a Xmas single.

  4. Ladbaby and those stupid sausage roll songs.
    The mother has the most annoying face in christendom. All monies made go to a food bank. The only Bank I care for is the Wank bank and I quite often make a daily withdrawal.

    (Funny you should mention lardarsebaby. He’s up for another cunting soon – Day Admin)

  5. On the topic of Christmas songs the one Ed Sheeran has done with Elton John is surprisingly good.

    • Yep. I loathe that cunt more than I can articulate in words.

      I remember reading an interview with him many years ago in which he claimed to have “invented rock n roll”.

      Seriously!!!

      Quite what he thought the likes of Chuck Berry, Little Richard, Buddy Holly et Al were up to whilst he was engaged in this noble undertaking was not covered….

      • “Quite what he thought the likes of Chuck Berry, Little Richard, Buddy Holly et Al were up to whilst he was engaged in this noble undertaking was not covered….”

        ….I think I can guess what he was up to only too well….The berry doesn’t fall far from the (Operation) Yew Tree.

      • A legend in his own mind Ron.

        It was one of a series of interviews entitled “Who the hell does (insert name of specific cunt) think they are” in Q magazine, when it was actually a bloody good read before it went to fuck later on.

        He was taking umbrage at a lack of respect for his talent and accomplishments etc.

        What a fucking tool….

      • To be fair Ghee, I remember going to see Cliff and the Shads at the Alexandra Theatre in Brum, must have been about 1961 or 62 (pre-Beatles anyway) and they were great. The Shads especially; they did a stint on their own, and they were absolute quality.

  9. Aled Jones and that vomit-inducing shite about walking in the air….sponging little Cunt should be forced to repay any child-benefits that his grasping parents received.

  10. The quite lovely Kim Wilde being leered at by that dead fat cunt Mel Smith in some charity Christmas song from the 80s wins the stuffed reindeer for me.

    • Aye…it’s a shame that the delectable Kim has turned into a gross lard-arsed old Sow….she’s blown her chance with me,I can tell you.

  11. George Michael and that wishy-washy shite Last Christmas.

    Think he did that during his time in Wham with that other cunt who’s name I forget.

    • cummed himself to death in a disused public bog in some park, the cottagers had to drag his corpse back home, put pyjamas on it and make it look like a surprise illness, course today the spunk trumpets all get labelled as coof deaths, its cured Aids and syphilis for good

    • Andrew Ridgeley was the other cunt in Wham!.
      Here in the states we get ear-fucked by Mariah Carey singing All I Want for Christmas (is you).
      If I hear that again I will puke coathangers!

  12. Miseltoe and Wine by the oleaginous Cliff Richard. When he gets to the bit about “children singing a Xmas rhyme” it turns my stomach – reminds me of a schoolteacher of mine many decades ago, a “confirmed batchelor” as well as a frequent visitor to cottages. He loved the countryside.

    Another one I can’t stand (I don’t know the title) is where the little poofter lisps “I wish it could be Xmas every day”.

    All fucking Xmas songs are shit though, probably written by the person who writes Emmerdale Farm

    • do they know its christmas time at all….La la la ?
      ….ofcouirse the little shit skins do, every day is christmas day once you get your french government dinghy onto Dover beach, no shit skin ever has to work a day in old Blighty with us white cunts offering taxes to feed the diseased roaches, remember the good old days when the boomtown rats were shit and nonce Geldoff hadn’t thought of creaming millions out of a charity of deluded mu’dick lovers….happy days

  13. I’d be hard pushed to name any other Xmas offerings quite as bad as the ones I’ve nominated, but I’d like to give a ‘mentioned in despatches’ cunting to ‘Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas’, a song whose sickly, maudlin sentimentality has always given me a bad case of nausea.
    Oh, and just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, along comes THIS version;

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnEqv8WcVq8

    Where are my fucking earplugs?

  15. The Christmas song heyday is long since passed. Hence the only decent ones, up to the mid 70s, are played to death and become a form of annual torture. But for sheer crassness of lyrics and the virtue signalling and undeserving wealth it earned for one of its creators, Do They Know its Christmas takes some beating. I don’t begrudge Noddy Holder his earnings from Slades effort, but the bog trotting oirish cunt takes the piss.

  16. I like Christmas songs from redblooded, hard living rockers like Cliff Richards to Brummy noize merchants Slade.
    My favourites

    Solstice bells-Jethro Tull
    Gaudete-steeleye span

    And Mull of Kintyre by the multitalented and head Beatle Paul McCartney.

    What?
    Dont be like that,
    Don’t boo ME!!

    If id not had some advocatt id take offence.

    • Morning Miserable! Did you get that deluxe wipe clean flashers mac you had your eye on for Christmas?

      • Morning LL!
        And a merry Christmas to you and your family 🎄

        Naw, no mack,
        But did get a t-shirt with my avatar picture on!!!👍👍

        And mead too.😁

  17. I have been fortunate never to work in retail. It must be soul-destroying to hear the same shite over and over again for two fucking months.

    As someone has already said, some of these songs aren’t actually bad, they are just overplayed.

    I like Christmas. I just wish it started on, say, December 20th and finished on 26th December.

    Can someone from the Midlands please drive to Wolverhampton and kick Noddy Holder in the bollocks for me?

    • I worked in retail for many years and they played the same old horse shite day after day.I wanted to top myself.

  18. Re The Christmas Shoes, I’d never thought of Jesus as a shoe fetishism.

    Bah humbug, and a Merrie Christmas to one and all!

  20. Worst ever Christmas song – cunting Band Aid and “do they know we have enormous egos?”.

    Best Christmas song – December Will be Magic Again by Kate Bush. Highly underrated and a stonking track.

  21. For a good take on a classic carol Lindsey Stirling’s version of Carol of the Bells is well worth a listen.

    • Thanks for that OC, I’ve been trying to remember the name of that carol for 2 fucking days! I couldn’t be bothered to look it up but it’s pretty self-explanatory really.

  23. Happy Christmas you old bunch of CUNTS have a good dinner, get pissed
    and may your farts be plentiful for this might be our last Chrimbo.
    GODD LUCK
    X

      • Agreed.Doris the rat follows Snotland and Wales.Throw the fat albino turk in front of a bus.Twat.

  24. Last Christmas by Wham for me. If I was caught wanking in the public toilets and then arrested for driving ripped off my tits on drugs and alcohol, I’d be deemed a right cunt.
    Not George though, dispensation from the women, as they fancied the old poof. All he did was right turgid songs that appealed to the women and gays. Last Christmas is the most annoying of these.
    Especially that the depraved bandit was singing about ‘giving it to someone ‘special’. We all know special means someone with additional need. Straight out the Jimmy Saville book that one.

  25. Without reliving the agony of the horrendous memories of past totp Christmas specials I will concur with your barrel scrapers Ron. merry Christmas cunters where ever you may be

  26. There’s only ever been one christmas song I could bear listening to and that’s ‘Things Fall Apart’ by Cristina.

  30. Worst ever – Mariah bastard Carey – All I want for Christmas

    Best for me – Low – Just like Christmas.
    (Underplayed and underrated)

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