Recruitment and Inane CVs

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Recruiting staff is a cunt and it has got worse over the past few years.

Whenever I have a vacancy to fill I advertise the job description and stipulate CV’s ONLY.

That’s the first challenge for the candidate.
Can they follow simple instructions?

In most cases the answer is no.

Along with a CV they just can’t help asking questions.
And the questions are often astonishing.

Could you tell me how many weeks paid holiday I get?
Do I still get paid for being off sick?
Can I work from home?
Can I work from 10 until 2 as I have kids at school?

The actual content of the CV’s is unimportant to me.
They usually contain the same shit.

‘I am a great communicator’
‘I am a people person’
‘I work well alone and also as part of a team’
‘I am looking to expand my boundaries’
‘I want new challenges’

It’s all nonsense and shows no imagination.

On many occasions the candidate will send a CV where the grammar and spelling is appalling.Demonstrating their laziness by not using a spell checker.

I had one from someone that lived in ‘Engerland’.

People send me their generic CV’s.
I have had them from people that are ‘passionate about logistics’ and one from someone who ‘wanted to forge a career in the pet food industry’.

My company has nothing to do with logistics (deliveries? ) or pet food, but that doesn’t matter to these cretins. They don’t have the intelligence to adapt their CV’s for the job advertised.

I had a CV which was completely illegible as it was written in at least 20 different fonts in lots of bright colours. The cunt wanted to redesign my website.

One fucking idiot refused to send me his CV until I told him all about the job on offer.
He said that his CV contained personal information that he didn’t want to share.

One memorable CV was 6 pages long and listed every job that the cunt had ever had.
Many of the jobs he was in for just a month or two.

CV’s are important to me as an employer. But I am more interested in how they are presented rather than what is written in them.

It’s as if none of these cunts want a job and they will be the first to complain when their applications are ignored.

Nominated by: The Artful Cunter

56 thoughts on “Recruitment and Inane CVs”

  1. There are a lot of w*gs and dimmos in this country, I don’t think you have taken that into account.
    I went for an interview and the bloke said….. what is your greatest weakness? I said “honesty”.
    He said “ I don’t really think that’s a weakness”.
    I said “ I don’t give a fuck what you think, cunt”.

  2. I blame schools, colleges and universities!
    When I was a kid, on the cusp of either leaving school ( at 15, ffs) or going on to further education, we actually had classes in how to write a job application ( CV), how to dress and present yourself at an interview, etc.
    Like cooking, it just doesn’t seem to be part of schooling any more.

    • There are far too many things that are no longer part of schooling. Respect (earned), responsibility for ones’ actions, not being some left wing twat, how to fucking spell and count. I like quiz shows on TV and am genuinely taken aback by ‘graduates’ that seem to know fuck all about anything but what they studied, and sometimes not even that. Wtf DO they teach at school nowadays?

  3. If I was an employer the only question I would be asking was, “Did you go to university?” That would filter out a fair few cunt waffles.

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  5. Even worse are employers who don’t put the salary in the advert. I once saw a job I was interested in, but they’d omitted that part. Their form that they wanted you to fill in was about 6 pages long and the potential interview would’ve taken place about 50 miles away. So I thought, ‘Fuck it, I’ll ask before going through all that bollocks – it could be under what I’d accept anyway after all that fucking about.’

    I sent a short and polite email and the reply was ‘If money is such an important factor for you then perhaps this is not the job for you’ or something to that effect.

    Yes, it is fucking important you monumental cunts.

    After that, I don’t bother with cunts refusing to say what the pay is. I’m guessing it’s a sign the pay is fucking shit anyway.

    Fucking time waisting cunts.

    Oh and I once had an employer re advertise a job I turned down as ‘re advertised due to time waster’

    What did I do? Well, I’d agreed to the job verbally but they’d promised to pay removal expenses at interview. And a start date just after being paid from my previous job (I hadn’t given notice yet on my old job, I’m not a thick cunt).

    The ‘new’ employer then called me after interview to tell me they couldn’t now pay me the removal expenses and they’d need me to start next week.

    Well for one I didn’t have enough cash to do everything so quickly (which is why at interview I’d stated when I could start and they were fine with this at the time). And for another the cunts went back on their word about paying moving fees.

    So I told them, due to these factors, that I would not be taking up employment with them now. I tried to call the cunt after seeing the advert, but the soft cunt wouldn’t let the receptionist put me through. So I passed on a message for him to understand what time waisting actually means, the fucking cunt.

    So employers can be cunts too.

    But yes, CVs can be shoddy nowadays. Too many thick cunts.

  6. The gimmicky self description that used to boil my piss (just as much as “I am a people person” – what the fuck does that mean?, was:

    ” I am a self starter”

    I used to form the impression that on cold mornings, they got out of themselves and inserted a starting handle into their navel.

  7. As bad as the CVs are the bloody employment agencies are worse.
    They submit dozens of half-witted morons for consideration, working on the principle that if you throw enough shit some of it will stick.
    Some dimwit thought he should have a job as an aerospace welder because he saw welding being done once and thought it was very interesting.
    We gathered around and pissed ourselves laughing at the CVs submitted by these people, who don’t seem to realise that the stuff is expected to fly once it’s completed.
    If that isn’t bad enough, our company has just started a recruitment policy to target ethnic minorities. Fucking brilliant. Let’s build aircraft based on skin colour rather than ability.

    • I’m a strong believer in building substandard aircraft for Third World countries. 😀
      Morning, Duke.

      • Morning Jack.
        You have a good point there, but they’d have to be assembled somewhere in Africa, or they’d never get to the Third World.

      • Claim some foreign aid off the Jellyfish, he’s throwing it round like confetti 🎊
        Channel it via your Swiss bank account. 😀

      • In the good old days, what we used to do was run aircraft up to the point they had nearly nothing left on the safe (for insurance purposes) airframe flight hours countdown clock, we’d then flog them off to the third world.

        They then weren’t allowed by various international agreements to fly them outside their territories to international destinations, only to adjacent territories they had reciprocal agreements with, and if they did literally run the things into the ground, it was (mostly) their own people they took out…so, win win.

    • Good nom Artie 👍
      I know for a fact that colleges/dole initiatives, school people how to write a CV.
      Hence all the same bollocks.

      Good communicator- chats all day

      People person- distracts others

      Fun personality- turns up pissed

      Team player-gets receptionist pregnant.

      I want to eyeball the little cunts to get the measure of them.
      That way I can filter out the deadbeats, ethnics, loonies,etc

      • Thanks MNC.

        Have you ever had the CV’s which have been ‘batch sent’?

        The ones where you look at the cc section of the email and it lists the dozen or so different and unrelated companies that they are also sending their CV’s to.

        Fucking morons!

      • Morning, no Artie as I dont get that many CVs from applicants.
        Ive never adverised for workers due to only being a small business.
        Just offered someone a part-time job but known him for years.

        Shouldn’t be hard to employ someone for a job should it?
        But I know it is!
        A good employee is worth his weight in gold.

    • Dead right about the agencies Duke. Over many years I have dealt with them from both sides and they are incredibly, stunningly bad. Fucking clueless.

    • Many years ago I worked with a chap who served his apprenticeship at the Royal Ordnance Factory in Nottingham during WW2. Any 25 pounder field gun deemed to be substandard was earmarked for the Murmansk Run based on the theory that it had little chance of reaching Russia.

  8. My company covers around half of Spain, but I will always interview close to where the candidate lives.

    After offering an interview these are just some of the replies I have had……

    “Can you change the time of the interview to the afternoon. I am not really a morning person”.

    “Can you tell me all about the job first. I want to know if it’s worth my time coming”.

    “Do you pay for my petrol to get to the interview?”

    And those that do actually turn up for the interviews…….

    If they are scruffy or late they get fucked off.
    I have had people turning up in shorts and flip flops, but no shirt.
    Others in jeans and T-shirts.

    Despite always being given a link to my company’s website, hardly anyone who does turn up for an interview bothers to find out exactly what we do.

    I estimate that I employ one person for every 200 CV’s received.
    And Spain is a county with high unemployment.
    Exceptionally high for non-Spanish speakers.

    • I don’t think it is unreasonable to want to know what the job being offered entails. I was once sent, by a numbnuts agency, to an interview for a Technical Services job in The City, based on my degree in technology. It turned out to be for somebody to man their in-depth insurance helpdesk, something I, and clearly the fucking agency, knew nothing about. I got the job.

  9. My mate used to be a Deputy Head teacher before he retired. Sometimes he had to sit in on interviews for new teachers. One time there was him, the Head and the Chair of Governors whom he described as “a nice old lady but not the full shilling”.
    This bloke walks in and she said “good morning Mr Dickburn, I hope you have had a pleasant journey.”
    He says “ err… my name is Ditchburn not Dickburn.”
    She turns to the Head and he whispers …. yeah his name is Ditchburn not Dickburn.
    So she says “i’m terribly sorry, can we start again? Good morning Mr Cockburn”.
    My mate nearly had a hernia holding in the laughter. They had to give this Ditchburn cunt the job after that.

  10. Self employment is the answer to all this fuckwittery.
    No CV’s and no cunt employers or ‘ co workers ‘ ( fuck off )
    Just keep your customers happy.
    And keep going, wit’ y’ead down.
    Good morning.

    • Absolutely Jack 👍🏻

      None of that shite bothers me any more.

      It’s good reading other cunters’ experiences though!

      • I was a wage slave for thirty years.
        Staggering levels of bullshit.
        Legions of wankers 🤪😜
        All history.
        Thank fuck.
        Morning, Ghee.

      • Morning Jack. I got off that bloody treadmill 7 years ago and have never looked back.

        If more organisations adopted our business philosophy of keeping it simple and keeping their customers happy the world would be a much better place.

        Instead, they choose to shower their employees and punters with bullshit, bollocks and general corporate wank.

        Cunts all….

    • Going SE is definitely the way to go if you feel confident to step off the treadmill of working for some cunt.

      It’s hard work but at least you’re in control of things. Although having said that I did put out a IT support job vacancy ad in the local rag 3 or 4 years ago purely because I had too much work to deal with.

      Loads of CVs, most of which were just a few random notes written on a sheet of printer paper; or one cunt sent me a photo of a CV that he’d had for over a year before losing it and couldn’t be bothered to write out another one.

      And at the interview stage I asked one Muppet what she could offer to my business, and she said “Well I have 24,000 friends on Facebook, and 2,000 followers on Instagram. So you know, I’m good with social media!”

      Someone else said “Do I get to play lots of video games?”

      You do have to wonder what the hell they teach school kids about career opportunities and how to sell yourself in the job market. Seems that these days having a Facebook account and a You Tube channel qualifies you to be the CEO of Apple!

  11. CV’s and recruitment in general are a tick all the boxes one size fits all affair , much like data collection and work place personal development in general. In reality pretty much pointless/meaningless. I used to help kids write theirs and make sure all necessary buzz words were included. Aspiration was the key one 7 years ago when I retired.

    That said I’d give the kid a job at mucky D’s based on his answers.
    Well done you Cunt.

    • Oh those “personal development reviews”, always an exercise in futility. In the box at the end of the form for employee’s comments I once wrote: “a merry christmas to all our readers”. My boss almost had a seizure.
      And while we’re on the subject of all this bollocks beloved of big employers I spent some time on site at BP in Sunbury. Although the only driving I did for them was to go to and from site I was required to do an online safe driving course followed by a test. The course was simply brought straight in from the States with no modification. It was fucking hilarious trying to work out the mirror manouvre for driving on the wrong side of the road and guessing American traffic laws. Oh what fun we had !

  12. In my old workplace we had a really useless HR person, she was the wife of a senior manager and basically was given the job by him despite a complete lack of ability.
    She was interviewing a bloke for a part-time job that was three hours a day and he smiled and asked “What hour is my lunch hour?” The other people on the panel smiled too but not her, she said she would look into it.
    Another time she turned down a perfect person for the job because his hobby was working with stained glass. Her reason? “Well, he might have to leave suddenly to repair a church window?”
    We also had a real arsehole of a unit-head, and his references were legendary, he hated it when staff wanted to leave as he felt it was a personal insult to him. One person told me that the interviewer asked if he’d like to see the reference he got. It stated, “Under supervision, he may be capable of performing basic tasks adequately.”
    The candidate was furious but the interviewer said, “Don’t worry, it shows he wants to keep you so you’ve got the job.”

      • Even by HR standards, she was a special case. A pregnant member of staff asked her for maternity leave and her response was “Why?”
        I just regret she never had the experience of meeting my professionally unemployed cousin – mid-50s, officially left school at 16 although he hadn’t been near the place for years and his work experience can be counted in weeks on your fingers.
        If he was told he had a job interview, he wouldn’t wash, wear the same clothes every day and sleep in them until the interview, turn up for the interview late and pissed, proceed to entertain the interviewers with his repertoire of crude, childish jokes and fart constantly.
        That daft bitch would probably have given him a management job.

    • Aye. Bitter former bosses are cunts. Only had it happen once (that I know of) where I’d left on good terms but the cunt sent a dodgy reference.

      In 2 and a half years I’d had one day off sick. The form he got from the new employer asked him to give a mark for attendance. He gave 3/5 the cheeky bastard.

      I know because the new employer was eager to hire me but queried this with me. They sent me the form he’d filled in. I said I’d been off for one day only and had never been late or left early. And that it was either a mistake or the employer being rather bitter at me leaving.

      I then remembered he’d sent a begging email to me to stay, offering more cash. I forwarded that to my new employer and said if I was so unreliable, why would he send that email to me?

      I asked them to contact him and ask for my exact attendance figures.

      They sent him an email and his lack of response meant I got the job as the new employer believed me.

      I also know of a cunt who gives everyone who leaves his employment awful references, no matter how good they were. He’s a bitter fucking bastard.

      These people are fucking cunts who deserve executing in front of their crying children.

  13. I have had bad experiences with employing darkeys.

    The first one was originally from Ethiopia. He couldn’t spell for toffee and managed to write off a (1st time borrowed) company car.

    The second one was from Somalia and was trying to run a full time college course with a full time job.

    The third one tried to sue the company for ‘hurt feelings’ when she left to claim benefits as she told us she got more money turning out illegitimate whelps and sitting on her arse.

    All cunts.

    • Employing effnicks, Wimminz and poofs is asking for trouble. They all have “rights” way above and beyond the normal employment rights.
      You might get lucky but I wouldn’t bank on it.

    • Jesus, Paul!
      What were you thinking letting him behind the wheel?
      Your lucky he didnt fill the backseat with semtex and plough into a Christmas market!!

    • May I enquire as to what your company was thinking employing indolent dindu’s in the first place, PM?
      And giving an Ethiopian a set of car keys and expecting it not to crash the car?!

      • This was the company I left at the end of November. As they provided consultancy services to a water company, they were expected to have a quota of dindu nuffins.

    • Paul-one can only assume that you work for a company that specialises in supplying film extra’s for “Planet of the apes”.
      Etc.
      🤔

    • Write off a car…hold on, you company believed his license was kosher?

      From experience down in the caliphate of Londonistabbistan, one minicab firm which employed mainly Africans as drivers, none of them had, in any way or form, a valid driver’s license.
      Oh, they had licenses they could produce, fake UK ones (Sarth London: there’s a man in every pub who ‘knows a man..’).

  14. The CV is a rogues charter for anyone under the age of 35 these days. Badly written, full of bullshit and ‘look at me’ prose.

    And don’t get me started on fuckin ‘LinkedIn’ it’s full of virtue signalling, bonhomie and back slapping by cunts that when they worked together spent all day slagging each off behind their backs.

    Their latest advert is full of trannies, cripples, dark keys and the gays as well.

    Like FuckBook, LinkedIn is best ignored.

    • That LinkedIn is shite.
      And although ive a business page on Facebook,
      Ive never had a decent job off it.
      If they cant afford a phonecall they arent going to be able to afford to hire me.

      Timewasters, wankers, nutters.

      • I have a had a good wank this morning Mis, I watched the delightful Remy LaCroix taking a very long length from a Dark Key. My how she moaned as he slid up her.

      • I didn’t know who Remy was Leonardo,
        So googled her.
        Yes, I can certainly see how you interfered with yourself due to Remy!!💪💪

        To be honest Leonardo,
        Im depraved enough without help from yourself and Thomas the Cunt Engine.
        Im trying to be good for Christmas!!
        😁👍

      • @MNC I wouldn’t hire you no matter how much money I had. I’d be wanting you to shift wardrobes, not wander round the house waving your cock at my wife, giving her the vapours.

  15. I have seen a number of wonderful CV’s that have made me feel totally inadequate as a human being … also seen many that left me cringing. I’m not really in a position to criticise though.
    I don’t recall ever having to compile a CV … it would have a lot of blank areas in the education section … it’d be a bit sad and embarrassing and I’d certainly never pass one of those psychometric profiling/evaluation test things either. I was told by the establishment right from the get go that I was essentially unemployable and as a consequence denied the opportunity to pretty much ever work a regular 9 to 5 job. They were right of course and I haven’t. Not ever. Never needed one as it happens.
    Everything I’ve ever done ‘work wise’ has been on merit or recommendation. Thank fuck for head hunters! 😅

  16. The first thing that should be stipulated is that the CV should be hand written that tells you whether the applicant can read and write. I had a number of customers in the 70s and 80s who couldn’t and were very good at disguising it, such as handing their cheque book and telling me to write the cheque out so there wouldn’t be any mistakes.
    When I was 16 or 17 I met a bloke who had founded a refrigeration company in Norfolk, he was the best salesman I have ever met and you still see his name on refrigeration units on the top of vans. He sat in on job interviews and just asked one question. “Who makes the tea in the morning?” . Anyone who was married and said I do and not the Mrs. had failed.

    • Not sure what to make of that last part, Wanksock. My wife has always, but always, for the forty-seven years we have been married, made the morning tea and brought it upstairs. Wondering now if I should feel guilty?

  18. No joy like spending a morning looking through CV’s, but it gives an opportunity to filter – bin the applications from the darkened brethren (good people as a rule but lazy and always pull the classic racism card when in the shit – virtually unsackable), Pyjama wearing goat experts (too many reasons to list), University grads (who regard “work” as an irritating interruption to their online phone addiction) and Karens of the wimminz equality plus movement (a fucking pain, no sense of humour and in a lot of cases just plain unhinged) – and hopefully after all this the business ends up with a hard core of employees who turn up, do a good job and graft.
    With agency staff there are no CV’s, no interviews, just a bunch of people who look like this is the first time they have seen daylight for a while, and 75% always turn out to fail the criminal records checks, not turn up on day 2 or be idle thick dross.
    Employment agencies are vampires – they will literally send anyone.

  19. Afternoon Artful, re the aspiring pet-food careerists, I see an opening…
    Send them to what the Cyril Service call a “sift” (I did just over 6 months with them, 6 months I’ll never get back…) — Uncle Tel’s oven should do the trick, then they are ready for Fido Meat Ltd. On the inside of the tin.

  20. There was a totally inept Commander in the Royal Navy. When he applied for promotion, his superior officer wrote him a reference which included: “ Commander Jones is a highly accomplished Concert Pianist. Unfortunately, there is insufficient room on a submarine for a grand piano”. Those were the days when you could call a CUNT ‘A CUNT’ in a reference!

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