Ersatz Turkey – Get Stuffed!

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I hate turkey.

The whole family hates turkey. It’s dry, tough and tasteless. That’s why on Christmas Day, we won’t be having it for dinner. We’ll be having one of my son-in-law’s most excellent curries instead.

However if we DID like turkey, we’d buy an actual fucking turkey, not shit dressed up to try and look like one, like this;

Sainsbury’s News Link

That’s right, it’s, erm, mushroom and pea protein, trying to masquerade as a turkey.

Honestly, I just don’t get it. If you’re a veggie or vegan, don’t eat turkey, that’s fine by me. But if you’re a veggie or a vegan, why do you want to eat something that’s just pretending to look and taste like what you say you don’t want to eat in the first place?

As Mr Spock would say, ‘illogical’.

Anyway, vegan or not, I wouldn’t touch this crap with a bargepole. It looks like a right load of shit to me.

Nominated by: Ron Knee

 

117 thoughts on “Ersatz Turkey – Get Stuffed!”

  1. There’s a reason why we only eat turkey at Christmas (and Thanksgiving in the case of our transatlantic cunters). It might just be the most overrated food in the world.

    • a roasted red indian might have more flavour, with pigs in smallpox blankets…get to fuck america its English Roast Beef for me

    • Fucking hell, will this shit never end?
      It’s money in the bank for the supermarkets I suppose, but if you’re that committed to the cause, just eat fucking lettuce.
      Has anybody seen those Greggs’ ‘vegan sausage rolls’? They look like something you might find if you lifted a floorboard in an abandoned house.

  3. I’m cooking a joint of pork with all the traditional trimmings. My missus loves a goodly portion of pork inside her.

  4. Mushroom and peas sounds quite nice to me Ron. At least it’s not made from dry rot like that Quorn stuff.

    Anyway, I’m a recent convert to IAC, and may I say what a pleasure it is to have found a rare oasis of sanity in a world rapidly going insane. So a big thank you to the people who manage IAC, whoever and wherever you are, and a very Merry Christmas to you and yours.

    Merry Christmas and a cunting New Year to all.

      • Nice one GT & Ron too. At least the Villa have remained consistently shite despite the pandemic Ron!

      • I’ve got a feeling that 2022 will be our year LL. Mind you, I’ve been saying that since 1960.

      • They’re doing well under Gerrard to be fair LL. Much as I disliked him as a player I actually think he’ll make a very good manager.

    • “….and may I say what a pleasure it is to have found a rare oasis of sanity in a world rapidly going insane. So a big thank you to the people who manage IAC and a very Merry Christmas to you and yours.”

      @GT: As a fellow recent convert to IAC I have to say you took the words right out of my mouth

    • May I csecind GTs.sentiments.

      I’ve been a long time lurker on ISAC, mostly visiting late at night after Mrs G had turned in and I was a little worse for wear. But 2021 was the year I decided to start posting and commenting. I think if we keep it up ISAC can become a movement to rival twatter and ultimately can evolve into a secret society to rival the freemasons and illuminati. I’m already working on the secret handshake and initiation ritual.

      Happy Kwanzaa one and all!

      • My phone’s still a cunt.csecind I= second, and if course Mrs. G should read Mrs H. I have no such alter ego as Mr G.

  6. How do vegetarians and vegans know what turkey tastes like if they don’t eat it?
    This abortion could taste like baby pandas and they wouldn’t know.

    • I don’t know what turkey tastes like either, cos to me it has fuck all taste.
      In fact, if the mushy pea turkey has plenty of seasoning in it, it might have more taste than the real thing.
      I ain’t sampling it to find out though. I bet the Xmas meal in a vegan household must be a real feast, loads of raw veg, nuts, alcohol free bevvy and soy milk in your decaf. acorn coffee.

      • I don’t think anyone has survived to tell the tale as they all suffocate on their lentil and cabbage farts.

  7. Ron, I also hate Turkey for the same reasons that you outline however, Mrs E/cunt is Welsh and therefore doesn’t like change to her routine so I will have to endure the traditional British Christmas dinner will all its usual blandness.. Another down side is all the fucking washing up she makes it will take me best part of 30 minutes. It’s a cunt I tell you. There are only two of us and we nearly had a fucking full blown row in the supermarket when she put a bird in the trolley that would have fed the whole street. She did give in and eventually bought just a crown. Serves between 10 and 12 people it says on the packaging. Looks like the dog will be on extra shitting duty with all the extra meat he will be eating.

    • All you can do is put on a shit-eating grin to keep her happy, and wash it down with copious amounts of wine or beer.
      Good luck mate!

  8. Weve a massive turkey and none goes to waste.
    Me an the dog gorge on the carcass all Boxing day, sat growling and gnawing bones,
    Me not the dog.
    God made turkeys tasty for a reason.
    He also made them look like John Merrick the fuckin elephant man for a reason.
    So you didnt feel guilty eating them!
    Right ugly cunts turkeys.
    Bernard Matthews has the right idea, wipe em out.
    Anyway,
    Gobble gobble.

      • No I don’t eat curry LL.
        If feeling adventurous might have curry sauce on my chips from the chippy, but thats it.
        I dont eat
        Curry
        Bushmeat
        Pasta
        Chinky shite
        Or anything from Holland & Barrett.

        Why im never ill.

  9. Turkey at Xmas is a German tradition I believe, brought over by Prince Albert, the Kraut bastard. Have you tasted Kraut food? Itā€™s fucking shit. Cheese rolls for breakfast, fuck off Fritz.
    Iā€™d rather eat a vegan than a Turkey.

  10. I love traditional Christmas games after the festive turkey blowout. A popular one in the North East is the evening farting competition just as Morecambe & Wise are starting. The winner is the one who can make everyone else vacate the room.
    The dog usually wins in our house.

    • ā€¦ but surely, Mr Twatt, after the consumption of a necessarily festive sprout-laden feast, one needs to be careful of the `follow-through`; which, whilst piquing the nose of said doggy, could render your soft furnishings unusable and in want of the Boxing Day furniture sales?

      • Eating sprouts is plain asking for it.
        Sounds like a north-east variation of Russian roulette for a post meal game in Geordie’s house.

      • ‘Follow-through’ is a constant danger, for sure. The important thing is to let nature take it’s course and don’t try to help things along by contracting those lower abdominal muscles. Therein lies the risk of ‘laundry embarrassment’.
        It also helps if the rectal wall is flaccid, thus allowing easy release. That’s why Dame Elton is so good at this game.

  11. I always take the precaution of drinking copious amounts of wine when confronted with turkey.
    Never had a problem,as far as I can recall…

  12. Ron: curry for Christmas lunch?
    This isnā€™t the Raj, old. chap.

    I suggest Mrs Knee wears strong disposable gloves, if she has any intention of playing ā€œChopsticksā€ on your prostrate, this Christmas šŸ¤”šŸ˜‰

    • My son-in-law makes the best curry I’ve ever tasted, and I’m from Balti Brum lol!
      As for the little minx, she’ll no doubt follow her Xmas morn tradition of bringing me my wake-up coffee whilst wearing something (more or less, probably less) to fire up my imagination.
      She always makes sure that I’m in a good mood for the rest of the day. What a girl!

  13. We had Duck last year. Turkey this year, with all the trimmings.šŸ˜‹

    NO Alcohol-fucking anti-bioticsšŸ˜¢šŸ˜¢šŸ˜¢

    • I’m on antibiotics from yesterday but, luckily for me, I don’t need to abstain from alcohol.

  14. Well, for me, the festive feast consists of yam, guava, flies & bananas washed down with copious amounts of muddied well-water, gathered in buckets by OxfamĀ®-funded child actors.

  15. Iā€™m having a free range duck. I bought it online from a good producer. It comes frozen, and as itā€™s nearly 2kg, and I live alone, I used my chop saw to cut the fucker clean in half, so as not to overwhelmed with leftovers.
    Iā€™ve had duck every year for quite some time, canā€™t say I dislike turkey, nothing to dislike as tastes of fuck all, but itā€™s as dry as a nunā€™s crotch and makes you sleepy, so whatā€™s the point.

  16. I love turkey but it doesnā€™t love me gout in about 30 minutes of consumption, so a nut roast with the veggie wife tomorrow. Happy Christmas Cunts.

  18. Fuckwits … something else they regard as an identity crisis. I was of the impression that calling something that which it clearly isn’t had a bit of ‘trade descriptions’ issue goin’ on. They just can’t make up their tiny retarded deviant minds as to what anything is anymore but they have a fuckin attitude about it for when they do decide which way to flip then flop.

  19. Big joint of beef for us. The Mrs doesn’t like turkey
    Or Christmas cake
    Or Christmas pudding
    Or mince pies
    At least there’s beer šŸŗ
    Ho ho fucking ho…

    • We’ve got a lovely leg of lamb ready for Boxing Day.
      Roast beef with Yorkshire and roast spuds is our New Year’s Day plan.

  20. So if I advertise a red 15 year old Mondeo diesel as a Ferrari, I should be on a winner. Itā€™s red so Itā€™ll look like a Ferrari from several miles away. Whereā€™s trading standards in all this?
    Same as Gordonā€™s no alcohol Gin. How can it be fucking Gin if itā€™s got no alcohol in it? Not only that, itā€™s more expensive than the real thing!
    I notice the BBC are all over this crap about eating laboratory grown meat substitutes and no or low alcohol gnats piss. Itā€™s part of theyā€™re latest indoctrination program. This only applies to those low life working class vermin who are not university educated obviously.
    https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/5MF2yj5DXVZM0qNml2FN7Hr/why-more-of-us-are-choosing-low-alcohol-drinks

  22. turkey is nice hot just out of the oven ,crispy skin and juicy white breast
    within a half an hour its a stinking pile of shite and the thoughts of opening the fridge door later, is hold you’re breath time when all you want is a drop of milk for a cuppa.
    it has at this point transformed into something with the textural taste resembling cardboard and the pong from the remainder makes you give up after one cold turkey dinner sitting. its bin it time after that

  23. I like a nice baked ham. Makes lovely sandwiches for later, and ham and lentil soup for Boxing Day. I can hardly wait, but I’ve got to because elder daughter has dislocated her right elbow really badly and can’t do anything, much less cook.
    Fuck it!

  24. I usually have a nice fish pie for the Christmas lunch. Much better than that oasis of blandness pretending to be food.

  25. Mushrooms and peas are appetising stuff. Turkey probably tastes like every other bird that’s been pecked to death in damp, over-crowded, cramped barns.

    Merry Christmas, one and all.

  26. Havenā€™t had turkey for a couple of years, but Iā€™ve got a turkey crown for tomorrow. Itā€™s wrapped in about a pound of bacon and rammed with pork stuffing, and if that doesnā€™t flavour it up, half a gallon of gravy will sort it out.
    Have a good one everybody. šŸ»šŸ¹šŸŗ

  27. Ron knows all about turkeys. He’s been following them down at Vile Park for about 60 years, ho ho ho

    Have a good Christmas, Ron (and everyone else too)

  28. The Irish turkey liberation army have gotten hold of 5000 of the birds and will be releasing them tomorrow.

    As soon as they’ve thawed out.

  29. Miserables prayer.

    Dear baby Jesus, happy birthday
    Hope you got something nice?
    Shite having your birthday at Christmas eh?
    Hope your dad, mum and stepdad Joe are well?
    Anyway,
    Bless those sinners on ISAC and those in admin,
    Forgive them their moderation against us,
    Please look over us and our loved ones.
    And smite our enemies.

    Hey did your mum ever say

    “shut that door! Was you born in a bleeding barn?!!”

    Sorry.
    Only joking, meant nowt by it like.
    Anyway see you soon.
    Amen
    Miserable
    Your chosen in the North

    Merry Christmas šŸŽ„
    Cunters

    Merry Christmas AdminšŸŽ„

    • Hello Mis, itā€™s Baby Jesus here.

      Iā€™ve been taken into care. Now Iā€™m in a YMCA in Bradford.

      What a shithole. Thereā€™s a big church thingy, with a chimney, and a green Mr Whippy thing on top.

      After finding my stepdad Joseph was a eunuch, my mum has fucked off with some Winston fella, with a 11ā€ dick, and is living in a shithole called Tower Hamlets.

      Can I come and live with you please?
      I hate this Bradford place.

      Now Iā€™ve got some ben*ders doing a dance outside my flat window. Yes, I know Iā€™m in the YMCA. Fuck off you cunts.

      Love Baby Jesus.

  30. Fore Rib of beef for me, Mrs Dyke, and the dog.

    It will last us until New Year.

    You can stick all poultry up your hairy ringpieces, – I wouldnā€™t give a thank you for any of it.

    Merry Christmas to all of you.

    Except for you vegans, – you can suck my root.

    Weirdos.

    • Dick vandyke@
      You need to be more responsible posting stuff like

      “You can stick it up your hairy ringpieces”…

      Some on here are very impressionable and will take your advice as a invite.

      Merry Christmas šŸ‘

      • Very true Miserable.
        If you’re going out for Xmas dinner, you need to give careful consideration about where your turkey drumstick might have been before you get to eat it.

      • Merry Christmas RonšŸŽ„

        Never touch Bernard Matthews turkey drumsticks,
        He uses them as butt plugs.
        Hes to turkeys what Pol pot was to Cambodians.

    • bet you’ve never tasted partridge vandyke
      the absolute finest of foul ,followed by one of my own personal favourites snipe and in third place migratory Teal

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