The Modern English Medical Centre

Posted on by

The modern English medical centre. What a bunch of cunts.

An elderly relative of mine tried to order a repeat prescription by phone (as is now standard procedure during Covid). But the cunt of a receptionist simply told him ‘You’ll have to wait until next week as we are updating our computer systems’.

Then adding ‘If you really need then, you can call 111’. He was told he had to re-order seven days in advance. So he does, but then they tell him he can’t. And he was not told in advance about this delay.

Said relative is nearly 80 and is on about ten different pills. One is a very powerful blood pressure pill that he can’t go without. He is certainly in no shape to recite every item he is prescribed to some phone monkey on 111.

Basically his local GP and medical practice has failed him and many others just because their computers are down and they can’t be arsed to do it manually like they did before computers became commonplace.

Fucking useless incompetent slack cunts.

Nominated by: Norman

 

109 thoughts on “The Modern English Medical Centre”

  1. Surprised that 111 never sent an ambulance for ACS…

    Some surgeries have been a disgrace, however, some have been excellent. Funnily enough, they were the same before Covid. I guess you’re lucky or not.

    • I thought of you earlier today DCI, when I was on my way to the shops. I was having what I imagined to be a heart attack because I perceived what could have been a vegan coming towards me and I’ve never met a vegan before so naturally I became extremely anxious. The only thing I could hang onto was the hope that it would be you who’d turn up and attend to me in my hour of need.

      As it turned out the suspected vegan wasn’t a vegan after all, so a false alarm.

      • Theyd cross the Richmond Sausages and comes towards you like a nun in distress.

      • Fuck me, Ruff! You need to carry aspirin for such occasions. Chew, don’t swallow.

      • I’m just glad to hear that you’re getting out and about…I saw a documentary about Howard Hughes and his hermit-like lifestyle ..unwashed,uncut hair,pallid skin, foul Body odour and wearing paper tissue boxes on his feet… and it set me to wondering if your mysterious medical condition was anything like his.
        Did you buy anything nice on your outing ?.. a couple of boxes of Kleenex,perhaps?

  2. It’s very strange, but since I did that nom about GPS, I’ve had a face to face appointment for blood tests, tbh they are somewhat difficult to do over the phone, an appointment for the flu jab ( no thanks), and I have another face to face appointment next week to get the results.
    It’s almost as if I’ve been hacked!

  3. I get all repeat prescriptions sorted directly via regular chemist’s. Saves having to waste time with arse-breathing receptionists. Altogether much easier.

    • I just post mine through the letterbox, as directed, 3 days before I want to pick it up. Works OK, which is more than the cunt of a receptionist who answers the phone does.
      If I could reach through the PSTN, I’d throttle her.

  4. My Dr is a Computer Algorythm called “Ask Dr”. I complete “Ask Dr” before 0830 , and may? or may not get a receptionists call at around 4pm.
    I will get a written response from the computer telling me what the computer thinks I have, and the appropriate advice. I will only get a face to face in the following circumstances.
    1) I am dead
    2) I am shortly to be dead
    3) I need urgent treatment, in which case, an ambulance will be sent to my home address.

    The system works very well, and the numbers being seen by a Doctor are now counted in the very very few appointments offered each day.

    Octagon are a bunch of shysters !

  5. Fortunately i am with one of the small surgeries that’s left.
    My mate though is with on of these massively over subscribed Surgeries where the staff and GP’s no longer know there arses from there earholes.
    He has to wait weeks for an appointment and if he wants to speak to a receptionist he’s lucky if he’s waiting over an hour .

    • I recently switched surgeries cos my previous one had become impossible to deal with. Great relief to be able to gain access at any time and speak to a polite and (so far) helpful receptionist face to face. Mind you, they still require patients to wear a facemask.

  6. ENGLISH medical centres?
    Chuck a bomb in one and you won’t kill many English people.

  7. I have a repeat prescription. When required I take it to a pre-designated pharmacy, they get the go ahead from my doctors surgery, and it’s ready to collect from the pharmacy in 3 working days. Fucking simples, could not be more convenient.

    • I don’t know who my doctor is,
      Ive not been in years,
      I have no medications im on.
      Im not a sickly type.
      Its because im a paragon of Christian living and Jesus loves me.
      Star jumps, fresh air, and hate.
      Keeps you ticketyboo.

      • I became a Jehovah’s Witness recently because the thought of receiving a blood transfusion makes me queasy.

        🕺 Evening mate. 👍

      • If you knock on my door, I’ll tell you to Fuck Off.
        Weirdo.
        Evening, Mr. Creampuff.

      • Although I am not a medical professional, in my expert opinion, a strong dose of xenophobia will give you extra protection.
        You are correct in your assertion that Jesus loves you. He said as much when I was talking to him, the other day.
        You are blessed.
        A chosen one.
        Keep up the good work. In the certain knowledge of the righteousness of your cause. 👍👍
        And have a smashing weekend. 🍺🍺
        Evening. MNC.

      • Jack@
        Its just conceit on my part that Jesus loves me.
        I think its more flirting if im honest?
        😂

      • Indeed, CG, I’d like to see some great grandchildren but alas, it’s going to be pictures of other lucky ( but doddery) people, because my granddaughter identifies as an artichoke.
        Kidding!

      • Ruff
        Jack
        Jeezum@

        Evening Chaps!
        True about never being ill an not been the docs.
        But I know its only luck,
        And sooner or later I’ll need a doctor.
        And when I do?
        I intend to be mard demanding and a total drama queen.

        “Hold my hand while I write my will”…..
        😀😀

      • Demand to be referred to a specialist consultant, after all GP means they aren’t specialists.

        Evening, Mis, hasn’t it been a boasting day in sunny Sheffield. It really has been. I’m going to cut the grass tomorrow.

      • A Glorious day Jeezum!
        Sunny but not too hot!👍
        I even broke out whistling!
        But soon got a grip of myself.

      • Evening Miles!
        Sorry for upsetting you the other day.
        Didn’t mean to.
        Just having a daft laugh!
        Hope im forgiven?👍

      • I’ve not been properly ill since I had my tonsils out at the age of 12. In the intervening 58 years I’ve occasionally gone to the doctor for minor ailments. I was able to blag a repeat prescription for diazepam, saying it helped with my tinnitus, but it doesn’t, it’s just handy for when my piss boils over excessively.

      • Not upset at all Miserable. Well maybe a bit irtitated by RT. But that’s what he’s here for.

      • Good.👍
        Sometimes get a bit giddy.
        RTC? Hes a bounder!!
        Hes never met a Vulcan!!
        Don’t know why hed want to though?
        I met one wearing a mohair jumper,
        Fuzzy logic.

      • You’re welcome, Jeezum.

        I’ve built up quite a stockpile actually, more than enough to kill myself with when the time comes. 😊

      • MNC@. When you’re tramping across the Peaks and those magical words come into your head, unbidden … ‘ And did those feet, in ancient time, walk upon England’s mountains green …. ‘
        That’s not just chance, or conceit.
        It’s Jesus.
        And he’s talking to you.
        You’ll probably end up as a Warrior Monk.
        Smashing the Saracen.
        Bet you can’t wait.

      • Fuck me-it sounds like the cast of “Monkey Magic” on IsAC.

        Monkey, Pigsy, Sandy & that monk-who was a girly, playing a man, I think🤔

        Which members of this esteemed site have the qualities of those four?

        I suggest miles as the Monk,* as his piety fits perfectly 👍

        The others though?

        *That monk/wimminz with the shaven head: I wonder she had a shaven haven?
        Enquiring minds etc😂

      • Tripitarka she was called CG.
        Shemale Buddhist monk.
        Monkey magic was brilliant.
        Friday teatime, my dad would have his wage packet,
        Id be given a list and be sent the chippy for tea.
        About 9yrs old, jogging on the spot in the chippy dead impatient!😁
        Racing home to watch Monkey!!

      • We all nicked our mums broom stales and painted em black, like Monkey’s staff.
        We didn’t take any fucking prisoners-we knocked seven bells of shit out of each other-and fucking loved every second of it😀👍

      • Your probably right Jack.
        A warrior monk!
        Ill split their skulls and grind their bones whilst humming “little donkey”!
        Wont wear those hoodies monks wear though!
        Im just not in the habit…

      • Miles @ 7:09 pm

        Why “irritated”? I was trying to be helpful!

        No good deed goes unpunished.

      • May your hands always be busy
        May your feet always be swift
        May you have a strong foundation
        When the winds of changes shift
        May your heart always be joyful
        May your song always be sung
        And may you stay forever young
        May you stay forever young

      • Dead right MNC.

        Keep away from doctors, solicitors and loose ladies, and your life will be fine.

  8. Could I despatch a side-cunting for the word ‘pharmacy’? When did everything change from Chemist? Is it because you rarely hear any English language in the town anymore just “dooshka-dooshka me need free health” or is it another fucking Americanism?

    • They also use ‘drugstore’. I went in one for some toiletries once and was most disappointed not to find Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty on the counter.

      • Does he have those jars filled with brightly coloured liquids?
        Enquiring minds want to know!

      • My chemist’s in CH used to have a few “implements” on the shelf behind the counter, including an impressive chrome enema syringe.
        I’d have bent over for the luscious Rachel…

    • Pharmacy: late Middle English (denoting the administration of drugs).

      From Old French farmacie, via medieval Latin from Greek pharmakeia ‘practice of the druggist’, based on pharmakon ‘drug’.

      Hope that helps.

      • French pharmacist are much better. Me and my dad whilst little had a toboggan ride down the alps, we had a bet who didn’t use the brakes. Well he is a fatty. Must have been doing an elon musk style wizardry down the slope. He come off and scraped all his face off. Waited a few days which looked like gangrene is kicking in… Walks into a pharmasist, the lady just scrapes it off. No referral or any of that bollocks. Some medical serum which looked like some prostate cancer victim and bobs your uncle sorted.

      • Bloody Latin and/Greek bollocks. Olde English is best. Geoffrey Chaucer wouldn’t have used a gay word like “pharmacy”. It’s only for East European bludgers or shphincter-squirrels.

      • Oh dear… in that case you won’t like the etymology of the word ‘chemist’ either…

        Chemist: late Middle English word (denoting an alchemist): from French chimiste, from modern Latin chimista, from alchimista ‘alchemist’, from alchimia…etc

        😂

  10. After many weeks of worrying I finally got a face to face appointment with my doctor. I burst into his office and said, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me, my short term memory is totally shot to bits.”
    He said, “When did this start happening.?”
    I said, “When did what start happening.?”….

    • Haha. Doctors surgery jokes are funny and plentiful. My favourite….A dark key walks in with a parrot on his shoulder.
      Dr. Where did you get that from?
      Parrot. Africa, there are fucking millions of em.

  14. I had to change GP a few years ago due to my previous and lifelong doctor retiring and the practice closing.
    It was the type of GP surgery you took for granted where appointments were arranged quickly with the receptionists and you often seen him or another doctor later that same day or the next day.

    The GP surgery they transferred me to is a stones throw from the old one so is convenient in that way however, it is practically unrecognisable in almost every other way.
    The once or twice I’ve even considered trying to contact my new GP has been an incredibly frustrating experience and I just basically gave up on trying.
    (bad enough before covid but 100 times worse since)

    The thought of being in poor health myself or my close family having health issues in the future and needing to rely on regular GP appointments or consultations is genuinely worrying and I have a lot of sympathy for any cunters affected by all this.

    This is in no way a criticism of the NHS as the staff have been fantastic when we have ever needed them at the local hospital but the GP surgery experience absolutely isn’t anything like it used to be.

  15. Your health will be replaced by an app and you shall be grateful.

    Yours truly,
    Pfizer Inc.

  16. I do think, as said above, it’s a postcode lottery with GPs. They’re busy, like EDs, thanks to the aging and ever growing population. What I find frustrating is when people are referred to us from the GP and, on our arrival, there’s fuck-all we can do for them so they’re referred back to the fucking GP who told them to call us. Or it’s cunts that say they can’t get through, yet, we call and get through straight away. I’ve not got a magic fucking ‘phone, you bone-idle cunt! Or, some GPs call us for people with chest pain, get there and the GP hasn’t done a fucking ECG!! We do one and discharge the fucker in the car park as it’s muscular! Ambulance tied up doing shite that they should have. All true, and only a few surgeries, but, every crew has a story about the same ones!

  17. I went to the doctors, I said, ‘ I’ve got ringing in my ears, itchy palms, headache and I’m having horrific nightmares. ‘
    He replied, ‘ Me too, I wonder what it is ? ‘

  18. Speaking of medical examinations, has anyone ever mistakenly left their browser on image search before typing “is a cunt” into the search bar?

    Some of those things have fucking teeth.

  19. so, I will try to make this brief, I had a rather nasty diagnosis from my local GP, it was very brutal.
    let us not go in to it.
    Now I am one year almost two past their predictions!
    I moved surgery, my referral also puts me back in the care of RAMC, now it was a shock to me I will tell you, I am now in the care of a LT colonel, I was expecting some old bloke with a moustache but ended up with a 6 ft model! ( female)
    Now she has been battling with the local GP to get me on to a new drug there seem to be issues with handover, it is internal politics between the NHS and HMF , now admittedly when doctor death gave me the diagnosis I did sort of do what he wanted, spent a lot of money on drugs that did not work, made me shit blood ect, but I am hoping that the new regime with RAMC will be better.
    rather pisses me off the in fighting.

  20. My Doctors in Hillsborough, Sheffield used to have a snooker table in the waiting room when I was a kid!! The only black balls in the waiting room now are from Sierra Leone, Antigua and Mogadishu.

  21. I regularly walk the dog past our surgery. 9.30 ish. The doctor has his/her own parking spot. It is rarely occupied.

    • Walk past the private hospital Cuntstable. He will be in there on £200 an hour. I can’t blame him.

  23. I hear they want to ‘train up’ the chimpanzees at chemists to be your first point of contact with a live person as opposed to a recorded message & telephone menu…
    Fuck That ! my local chemist couldn’t be arsed to fill a repeat prescription ordered 5 days earlier “it isn’t ready yet – we’ve had a rush order in!” – when I got it (after scratching my arse for 3/4 an hour, half the bloody pills weren’t there “we’re low on stock – come back next week for the rest” – CUNTS.

    “NHS 111…you are ’27th’ in the queue….press 1 for heart attacks…
    press 2 for head injuries…. press 3 for advice on the morning after pill… press 4 for severed of limbs…press 5 for sudden blindness….

Comments are closed.