“Neighbours…..everybody needs good neighbours”
So sang Tony Hatch back in the days when Kylie was more likely to be wearing a pair of dungarees than a pair of gold hotpants
(Tony Hatch wrote the music & Jackie Trent wrote the lyrics, but neither of them sang it. The original was crooned by Barry Crocker. Just sayin’. Carry on – NA)
…….sorry got lost in thought for a moment there.
(Hopefully the pic helped you re-focus – NA)
Ahem. Anyway, Tony was right – everybody needs good neighbours.
Now to be fair to them. They could be much worse than they are. I’ve seen these neighbours from hell programmes on the idiot lantern and there are some total, belligerent, psychotic bastards out there.
My main gripe is that they are loud. They play music that I can only describe as “Now that’s what I call Garage/Urban/is you disrespectin’ me fam 2021” and then other times it’s some shite like Adele wailing.
Other times they have blazing rows. I’ve actually heard him call her a c**t, which shocked me believe it or not. But she can dish it out as much as he can. She had me chuckling like Mutley on one occasion and I had to go to another room in case they heard me.
Thing is they don’t seem to think anyone can hear them.
I hear them having a barney and then I hear them making up again afterwards – specifically moaning and a bed creaking. 😬
I’m not a prude but it’s so cringeworthy that I either have to go out or put loud music on to drown them out.
In the words of Holly Humberstone The walls are way too thin!
Nominated by: Harold
Good nom Harold
Your surname isn’t Bishop is it?
8
I wouldn’t mind listening to Kylie having a good moan, I’d have a wank.
6
Kylie – a tone deaf d warf with a snarl for a face.
Neighbours – never watched it.
Real neighbours – can be cunts but we are lucky here in the sticks, although my neighbours have a cunt living next door.
9
Kylie – huge gay icon and diva more like
0
My neighbour is a cunt so I’m in the habit of calling him just that whenever I clap eyes on the…cunt.
Kylie? no cunt,tradesman’s all day and twice on Sunday.
8
I was more of a Prisoner Cell Block H fan myself and used to wank off vigorously to Lizzie Birdsworth…
11
There was actually one rather doable bird in Prisoner Cell Block H at one point. Can’t remember her name now…
6
Fucking hell Norman are you sure?
5
That what I thought! 🤣🤣🤣🤣👍
4
It was some blonde bird. She was in Mad Max 2 The Road Warrior too. She played a model/porn actress who ended up in Wenthworth Prison.
2
Virginia Hey maybe?
I had to search it as I couldn’t think of any fit fanny in P cellblock H.
Born 1952 and identifies as a cisgender woman. Another fucking Google and it means identifying with the sex you were born with. In other words fucking normal. Jesus H Christ another gender or is it? Passed caring.
4
Serious fucking issues with mine lately. Drug taking, pissed up, loud music in the early hours in the week. I am, honestly, patient, calm and don’t complain over every little noise. 3am the other weekday and I reached the end of my long tether with music blaring out again. Banged on the door and told them to shut up. Surprised myself really because I had the hump like Ronnie Kray with a boil on his arse and without his medication. What the fuck is hard about being considerate to your neighbours?
14
My aunt had cunts for neighbours above her flat. She then got cancer and had to put up with their noise, weirdness, sociopathy. My other aunt who takes no shit off anyone eventually got the council to kick them out but only after a year of misery for my aunt. She no longer has cancer.
2
Gordon, I’m glad your aunty doesn’t have cancer anymore. Cancer is a can of can’t. Something I wouldn’t wish on absolutely anyone. Even Jamie Oliver.
1
You have my deepest sympathy, Harold. Every place I lived before now had at least one cunt of a neighbour making a racket at all hours. One bastard even playing his drums in the middle of the night.
Now I live out in the sticks well away from other cunts, and it suits me just fine. I love silence and I hate people.
23
Fred and Rose West – now there were neighbours from Hell, folks! “Morning, Fred! How’s the garden coming on?” Fuck me.
My neighbours are alright. One woman is a shambles and has a dog that barks at fuck all. One day I’ll move to the country, live in a small cottage and finally say fuck off to the world.
14
Kylie Minogue? I would bone her senseless while she sings can’t get you out of my arse….
10
My neighbour refused to put up a fence on their side. So I put one up. They then complained they didn’t like the colour.
If I had the money I would live in the sticks with a fucking moat around my castle
13
That’s how Peter Green, badass manager of Led Zeppelin lived.
4
Grant.
Peter Grant , Gordon.
Peter Green was the amazingly talented guitarist from Fleetwood Mac who sadly went mental.
2
I’ve been mixing up those names for years! Yeah, Peter Green was amazing but then he took LSD in Hamburg in 1971 and went down a 30-year rabbit-hole, he forgot how to play guitar. He eventually re-learned to play in 2002 I think it was.
Peter Grant was amazing, what a great manager to have! This 57-minute documentary from 2003 on him is really good…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LA0dwiz2Dyg
1
Im a big fan of both Peters, Gordon.
Peter Grant was unusual as the manager of a rock band at the time,
In that he didn’t rip them off and genuinely did his best for Led Zep,
A great manager and not someone to fuck with.
As for poor Peter Green I reckoned him as one of the greatest
Here he is in action
https://youtu.be/kTvKaLW5bu8
0
Tell em
look you fuckwitts
I put up the fence
you put up the paint
2
When living in Brum my neighbours were pretty decent and civil. However, it was the neighbourhood that really pissed me off.
If it wasn’t joyriders doing 90 in a 30 in their nicked XR3Is, or cunts riding dirt bikes down the pavement, it was kids on skateboards and rollerblades making a right old din as they played chicken down the middle of the road.
And because we lived not too far from a fire station, a day wouldn’t go by without the familiar shrill of fire engines rolling up the road at all hours.
And during the summer months a neighbour 2 doors up would end up having sex outdoors late at night.
But now that we live in the Lake District the only noise we get is the USAF and RAF flying their jets overhead; along with the UK military at Eskmeals firing their missiles overhead and into the Irish sea.
8
They ought to point those missiles at the Channel, make some fucking use of them.
19
I would’ve made an absolute mess of Kylie when she was in her prime. She’d have been dribbling my man milk out of her ears and nose for weeks.
She proper missed out.
15
I would have gladly splashed my bollock yogurt over Kylie’s bare, pert naked arse when she was younger.
Anyway, enough of that. My neighbours are a mixed bunch. The couple next door are sound, as is the older couple at the end of my lane – they are in their 70s but have transformed their bungalow in around a year and carried out some nice landscaping – they are a real credit.
The woman next door the other way is a fucking aggressive Karen. She speeds up and down the single track lane like fucking Fangio. Always has to have her own way as well. She has had a string of boyfiends since she moved in. She thinks she is a young Madonna, but at 55 years old, she is a wrinkly old scrotum pouch. From what I can make out she dates builders so they can maintain her house for her for the cost of a blowie or a few minutes squelching around in her well-used meatbag.
The old cunts along the other side of the lane are simply cunts. An assortment comprising a retired JP, who thinks he is God and two old dears who have a meltdown if anyone dares cut back some of the ‘lovely natural’ brambles or ivy. I won’t cut it back now – I simply ‘treat’ it with industrial Roundup.
An older couple have moved in at the bottom of my garden and the old boy has the start of Parkinsons but he is still active. He called me at work last week and explained that he asked one of the old dears who love the brambles if he could remove two of the fence panels between their houses so he could get a hot tub in his rear garden. Well the old sow refused to give him permission as she didn’t approve of the lights in his garden! It is just like fucking Hot Fuzz.
My rear garden is a building site at the moment with the extension, so I told him he could trundle it in via our rear garden instead and tell the old dear to fuck off.
Mmmm, I would love Kylie as a neighbour.
11
“squelching around in her well-used meatbag”…..that’s my laptop covered in coffee, then. Cheers!
1
On one side I have had the same neighbour for years. She’s a good old girl and I have known her since the late 70s. She turns 70 herself next month, and we are organisiing a huge surprise party/piss up for her.
The other side is a bloke who isn’t too bad, but he is always dicking about with something and usually loudly. The car, DIY, barbecues. You get the picture.
His wife is well fit, mind.😉
7
My neighbours were prize cunts. I got hold of every bit of junk mail , news paper offer etc, I could and filled it out in thier name over the course of Five years. Even got thier email and mobile number
Made it an obsessive project which should hopefully follow them for years…
14
All my neighbours get on with me as they know not to fuck me about. One old neighbour has moved 150 miles away and comes back to see us. Got one toxic bitch neighbour who is always the victim, she upset my other neighbour and has upset a young family. We have stopped talking to her and she has put her place up for sale. She’s only been there six months ! She had Pàkis view it on Saturday so I decided to have a full scale row with myself behind the fence. The cunt estate agent looked pissed off when the Pàkis left after 5 minutes. I hope my neighbour can’t sell it for months and gets well under the asking price.
14
I had a rich old widow living above me who was bedridden and had three live-in helpers, including a nurse. I visited her once and her bedroom, which was right above mine, was like a hospital ward which explained the movements throughout the night as her staff wheeled tables around, administered drugs etc. As there was nothing I could do, I slept on the sofa in my living room for 18 months until she finally moved. However, she was replaced by an arrogant investment banker cunt who would come back after midnight with some whore who would clump around in high heels and fake loud orgasms before leaving about 5.30 a.m. When I complained, he had the cheek to threaten to sue me for invading his privacy. I was delighted when he left but my joy did not last long as he had only moved out while the flat was completely refurbished, with the noise of walls being torn down and clouds of dust everywhere for a year. I eventually gave in and left the building. I was pleased to see on a recent visit that a shopping mall and gigantic residential blocks are being built right next to my old place. Maybe I was lucky after all.
7
We moved out of central Norwich (thank fuck!) and into a smallish village about three years ago.
One side neighbour is oldest stepdaughter and her family, who are sound. Other side is a youngish couple with a teenage daughter who is under the mistaken belief that she is a talented singer.
To humour the little darling her parents bought her a karaoke machine for last Christmas.
Her voice could loosen the rivets on the Tirpitz…
10
My Sympathies Baron.
A decent set of headphones might help-although it cannot be as bad as living next to a cunt learning to play a LOUD musical instrument.
At least we lived in the middle of nowhere, when I was learning the guitar, as a kid.
Good job- I used to turn that muvva-fuckin’ amp, all the way up to 11!
👍
5
Decent neighbours is everything.
Growing up our next door neighbour minded me when I got home from school till my mummy an daddy finished work, she was a dinnerlady and my unofficial granny.
Sadly now gone, RIP.
No point living in a mansion if the next door neighbours are the fuckin clampits.
A good neighbour is worth their weight in gold!
Best to get along.
8
So strikes a chord with me Mis. First twenty years of my life lived amongst neighbours who were fucking ghastly, verging on psychopathic. Sad thing is for years afterwards I carried the prejudice with me that this was how neighbours were. I shook this off in later years and now get on well with all the neighbours in the street, helped by the fact that I’m regarded as their technical expert(!) and mister fixit man. When I order stuff on line it’s great to be able to enter in the delivery instructions; “Item can be left with any neighbour”. It’s a great way to live, I recommend it if you can arrange it.
5
Afternoon Arfur,
Yes, already have.
Any delivery can be left at any neighbours.
All alright round here.
Next doors son when home from university sometimes labours for me to earn extra cash.
All get along.
Ive had great neighbours and bad over the years.
Prefer to get along.
All my neighbours are white English 😀👍
8
Yes, mine as well Mis. My sister and her husband acquired mudslime neighbours recent years and despite their best efforts are unable to get on with them. They are dishonest and totally inconsiderate.
Been to Torquay yet?
5
No, two weeks away the Torquay job.
Been working on a farm today out in Cheshire, and the same rest of the week,
Alpacas!
If I farmed itd not be alpacas,
Foreign critters.
Id have sheep.
You know where you stand with a sheep.
If your Cuntstable Cuntbubble,
Firmly behind it…😂
4
We couldn’t wish for better neighbours – gay couple on our right; nice vegetarian fella married to a Japanese geisha girl on our left. All considerate the the nth degree.
No Muslims.
No vegans… at least none I’m aware of. 😂
6
A cunt lives a few houses down who is a meth head and has a constant stream of shady looking cunts on bicycles and foot going to and from his place. It’s the worst looking house on the street.
I maintain that his father died and he put him in a freezer to keep the benefits coming.
Useless lowlife jobless pieces of human trash! Fucking tweekers up all hours doing everything but cleaning or fixing things.
5
Our neighbour on one side has ten dogs. A couple of years ago finally got the council and RSPCA involved. RSPCA were fucking useless council talked to her but apparently you can have as many fucking dogs as you like and said you can’t tell people how to live, with her having mental health issues nothing about our fucking mental health issues. Its been better during lockdown but I don’t think it’s right but fuck all I can do so she’s a cunt and the non existent law is a cunt.
4
It’s a form of hoarding. I bet the inside of her house is full of shit, literally, no one can have that many dogs and walk them often enough, she’d have to be awake 24 hours a day.
I have enough trouble keeping my one little pup suitably exercised. Fortunately, I have a decent sized secure garden, so I can let the needy arse hole out regularly.
4
You’re right shit every where I think only one dog goes out for a walk. RSPCA useless or helpless
1
Everyone should aim to be a hard as fuck cunt and not have to deal with any fucking neighbours. Love thy neighbour, last time I had a street party was some gay poncey son and I asked what is it like to have a dick up your arse? Safe to say I won’t be invited to one of his popper parties.
He said if your asking you might want to try it. I nearly vomited in my mouth.
Neighbourly love my arsehole. Keeping up with the Jones half of them.
It’s like a stretch with the only gay in the village nowadays but the other way around. Gay used to mean happy.
1
Reading some of these comments I’ve now realised I should count myself lucky for the neighbours I have.
There were some perks in summer when she had a 2 friends round and they were exercising in her back garden in their gym wear.
Not that I was leering out of my back bedroom window or anything….
They’ve been quiet this week so far, apart from the fella barking “Alexa, do this” “Alexa what time is…” and so on.
I’d quite like Georgia May Foote as a neighbour….😋
2
Forgot to say – thanks NA for clarifying the Neighbours theme tune and the picture of Kylie Minogue.
Struth she had a fine arse back in 2002 cobbers.
1
I don’t have neighbours but have trade offs
takes 2 hours to get to London
Live with bats, wasps, squirrels, wood lice
Shit Internet
2