Cutlery Etiquette

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Improper use of cutlery.

Ads for pre made meals as in dinner for lazy middle class cunts or calorie controlled meals for dim fat cunts and those ones for pre-portioned ingredients to make yourself dinner at twice the price of a shop and several times more the packaging waste (a cunting for all those later).

Without exception none of the actors use a fork properly and it severely gets on my tits.

Even though I’m a working class colonial descended from highland barbarians I was brought up to use cutlery properly not to hold a fork in my right hand not use it “as a shovel” as mum used to say.

Left hand, tynes inverted or you may as well shove your face into a plate like a dog or eat on the floor with your hands like a rug pilot. It’s little things like this that signal the end of civilisation FFS.

Also using a spoon in your left hand NO!

I’m sure there’s a God that act particularly riles, most likely Yasur and he will punish you.

Nominated by: Shackledragger cunt

118 thoughts on “Cutlery Etiquette”

  1. Quite right.

    I don’t like seeing Cunts holding their knife like a pen and I positively detest seeing brats stuffing their gaping maws using their hands.

    Although I must admit to enjoying seeing people trying to use lobster-picks and crackers for the first time.

      • I do!
        Fresh from the bush.
        All these implements an cutlery,
        If you fucked about with all that shite your dinner would be cold!
        Tried that caviar once Dick!
        Rank.👎
        Salty tadpoles. Eerugh.
        Like a night at Barrymore’s.

      • Evening,LL.

        You’d probably use one of my cheese scoops to eat your Pot Noodle.

      • Evening,Mis.

        I,of course,enjoy Foie Gras…something that I must say the French do well…I tried to make some myself but the goose went fucking mental when I tried to shove the feeding-tube down his gullet…so I just wrung his neck and ate him instead..the cheeky Cunt.

      • Of course not, how dare you insinuate that I’m a thief, also Wetherspoons don’t have anything worth stealing.
        Apart from toilet rolls!
        No, it’s a genuine antique, along with the conserve spoon, that I used as a sugar spoon.

      • The ice cream slicer does look like some Victorian era arse spanker. The upper classes, JP, a breed apart.

      • Actually, LL, as I understand it, the upper classes had a tenancy to interbreed, hence she’s your mother, no, your sister kind of conversation.

      • Just heard on the News – definitely no turkeys this Christmas, according to farmers. Labour shortage due to Brexit. 😂

        Let them eat goose!

      • My Christmas Dinner is already in the freezer. Lots of porkies product.
        Turkey! Gag me! Disgusting.

      • Also, the old trout is about to peg it. Serve her right for trying to out-woke MeAgain and Halfwit.

  4. Strangely enough I was brought up to use a knife and fork in precisely the same way as you, Shackledragger, and I come from a middle class family.

    In fact they made a fucking big deal of it! As did the schools I went to.

    Stranger still, the only person I know who uses his fork like a shovel was brought up in a working class family… must agree it makes my teeth itch when I see him do it. Although he is English, it’s a peculiarly American way of eating, I believe.

    Btw, why would anyone use a spoon in their left hand unless they were left handed?

  5. If you want to see real table ettiquette, go to a holiday park for static caravans and watch the Northern families eat fagg0ts, chips and gravy with their paws.

    Gravy dripping down to the flabby elbows of ‘muvva’.

  6. The only time I’ve ever had the misfortune of entering a Mcdonalds, in all innocence I asked the callow youth who served me where the knives and forks were.

    It was only when I looked around at the troglodites gorging themselves that I realised none of them would know which end of a knife or fork to hold.

  7. Table etiquette is overrated in my opinion.

    I am not saying that people should be slovenly but sitting bolt upright with your elbows locked into your sides does not make a comfortable dining experience.

    It’s just not ‘natural’.

    Basic manners are important but I think that the emphasis should be on getting the family around a table once a day rather than eating out of boxes with your hands in front of the TV.

    All children should be taught ‘formal’ eating etiquette for the occasions when it might be needed, but insisting on that etiquette every day is a step too far and will eventually break down the very important ritual of eating as a family group.

    • I agree, whenever I try to eat with the fork in my weaker hand (left) I struggle and drop gravy-soaked chips all down my white shirt. This doesn’t happen if I eat with my fork in my right hand.

      I certainly wouldn’t fart or burp at the table or talk about shit related matters.

      Each to their own I suspose. Glad I’m not left handed, sign of the devil apparently.

    • Push comes to shove I can eat a 3 course meal with all the right tools, my eyes were opened by the Japanese team on Camel trophy as a member attacked a tree with a Knife and returned with chop sticks for all!
      Later in life walking and eating became the in thing, as soon as you stopped and got your cook kit out they would crash you out, so many a spoiled meal and hungry recruit apart from billy no mates who had munched his rations on the hoof!
      bit later in life I discovered the spoon, a marvellous implement for shovelling large volumes of carbohydrate and protein into your mouth in bulk .
      On slow days we had communal meals, maybe a roast pigs head and garlic cloves, so just a knife, a bowl of salt and lots of beer as we shared it amongst ourselves so finger food.
      So in my opinion the use of eating Irons depends on your surroundings, I have to say the worse thing I have ever done is murder a cheese and bread plateau in France with a knife and fork!
      Now I may have said flat mountain top instead of big plate, but you know what I mean.

  8. I remember eating at a nice restaurant in the USA and the couple next to us knew we were English by the way we used our knife and fork (knife in the right hand, fork in the left).

    The Americans, they told us, generally cut their food and shovel it with their fork in their right hand.

    How the fuck they managed to win independence is beyond me.

    • I dont know table etiquette and refuse to learn.
      Henry the VIII ate with his hands and a dagger.
      If its good enough for England’s finest monarch its good enough for me.

      Stop fuckin about and eat your tea.

    • This is absolutely true. Yanks use their “silverware” like normal people to cut their food, then put down their knife, transfer their fork to their right hand and eat from the fork. Transfer back again, cut some more, then repeat the process.

      There is method in their madness though. This knife/fork transition allows them extra time to flap their lips about anything and everything as loudly as possible. In Yank restaurants the object of the meal isn’t to enjoy the food or the dining experience overall. The object is to inflict your table’s conversation on all the other tables in the establishment. It’s like a competition where every table attempts to ‘out loud’ all the others. Cunts.

      • I saw some fucking ape use the knife and fork the other way round. Made some feeble attempts to cut with the left hand, then used the fork in the right to shovel the food into her gob (then fucking chewed with her gob open). It’s just good manners. Like being polite, saying please and thank you and using correct grammar. I despair.

    • That certainly seems to be the standard for Americans UM, I’ve seen it so often and it still freaks me out. We wouldn’t have tolerated it from our kids. And they won their independence with the assistance of the French and the Spanish, rival colonial powers to the British.

  9. Being left handed I am going to disappoint and no doubt boil the piss of Shackledragger cunt but I do use a spoon in my left hand. In fact, I do most things with my left hand but interestingly I use a knife and fork right handed.

    However, I do agree with a lot in this post. I have friends who eat like some degraded cunt out of the walking dead and these individuals are allegedly ‘from good school and homes’.

    Another thing that fucks me right off is eating noises. I always want to punch the cunt (or cuntess) when I hear it.

      • I too am left handed CM and follow the same dining habits. No surprise that kids today cannot use cutlery properly as some are still in nappies when starting infant school, knife and forks are for next level geniuses. Who would give a sharp implement to little Jamal anyway?

    • I suffer from misophonia. Noises such as chewing, slurping, lip smacking and chowing fast make me want to commit murder.

      Cunts who cannot hold cutlery correctly superheat my urine.

      As you can imagine, I’m a bundle of laughs to go out to dinner with.

      • The way I see some people use a knife and fork , I wouldn’t trust them to know how to sit on the toilet the right way around.

  10. It gets on my tits when I see that cunt Greg Wallace, who has been on Master Chef for years, unable to use a knife and fork properly. I guess the part about the BBC’s duty to educate has been forgotten when it comes to table manners.

    • Well im not coming to the ISAC Christmas lunch.
      Im not being frowned at by a bunch of fuckin OCD table mavises.
      Tutted at because im eating peas with a spoon.
      FUCK YOU.🖕

      Ill get a Kentucky an eat it in the park.
      With me fingers.

      • Just strip down to your undercrackers and be served by wenches carrying platters of bread and butter and flagons of Bisto, Miserable.

      • Guess that counts me out too.

        I eat with a spoon as often as possible.

        Obviously the point of eating is to replenish calories, so why expend energy unnecessarily using two limbs when one will suffice? Seems logical to me.

        This is why I’ve never understood chopsticks. I could scoff a plate of noodles far more efficiently with a spoon.

      • Me and my wife too, MMS. We eat meals off our laps watching TV, we’re not on show and ‘civilized’ can fuck off.

      • I eat my peas with honey
        I’ve done it all my life
        It makes the peas taste funny
        But it keeps ‘em on the knife!

  12. People who sniff their food before they eat it send me into a rage.

    The lean forward and stick their snouts an inch from the plate and sniff.

    Where did that sort of behaviour start?

    • I think they’re getting mixed up with operational procedure to see if a person is a transbender.
      The old cunt sniffing routine before you commit your winkle.
      If it smells of shit.
      RUN LIKE FUCK !
      Good afternoon.

  13. … fuck off … I’ve gotta SPORK n I know how to use it you cunts!

    Only fault I can find with it is that is absolutely shite for soup … no matter I just drink it straight from the bowl. 😁

    • Swagger@

      When dining out I take a piece of A4 paper (white obviously)
      And me beard comb.
      After a hearty meal,
      I wipe the gravy from my eyebrows,
      And comb my beard over the paper…
      Hey Presto!
      A takeout for the dog.

  14. Why would any modern day parent teach their children to use cutlery correctly? They don’t know how to cook, so they order takeaway. You don’t need a knife and fork to eat a burger.
    The nearest they come to a cooked meal is a Sunday carvery, and my God, have you seen them?
    Cattle!

    • Im having sole for tea! 👍
      Northern sole.
      Lovely .
      One day a week without meat is good for you.
      Drawback is having sweetcorn too!
      Whats the point of that stuff?
      Straight in,
      Straight out untouched.
      Im like John Major,
      A staunch pea man.
      But suppose wont hurt to try foreign stuff for once?

  15. I couldn’t give a fuck if you use a fork or a shovel, your elbows touch the table, or any of that arse backwards cultural neuroticism. Who fucking cares.

    If you’re a mastic špastic where it sounds like someone is fisting Diane Abott and/or food particles get launched, or you try and chew my ears off with inane conversation, then we have a problem.

    • Precisely. If we’re having a proper meal out, or at somebody else’s house (extremely rare), then we sit at a table and use cutlery like any ‘normal’ person. I would also be dressed and not scratching my bollocks or farting. At home I do whatever feels comfortable.

  16. All a bit gay innit?

    Do you put your pinkie in the air when you drink tea too?

    To be honest we can all stop worrying about these things. In ten years, the only legal way to eat will be a deliveroo driver knocking on your door and shovelling junk food straight down your gullet, as he deducts two social credits for the meal.

    You were a good boy this week. Got nine points for taking the knee in front of the giant statue of David Lammy and for saying how stupid Brexit voters were.

    Double plus good!

      • I bet that went down well. Mind you, I’ve seen footage of him on a documentary. He’s a right short tempered fucker who likes a scrap. Smashes rooms up if he gets out early. Tried to storm the Aussie dressing room to beat them up. He was held back and not in a bullshit ‘hold me back’ way. He was right up for it.

        I was scared watching him. Had to call me mum and everything.

        Fucking nutcase so I bet the chippy dark keys in his team say fuck all.

  17. I hate plate tappers, when some cunt keeps rattling the plate with a knife, makes more than my blood boil. Then there is those that try and cut through the fucking plate, bastards.

    • Same.
      Im surprised at Shackles!
      I never realised he was a dinner party umpire.
      I thought hed have a sharpened stick for widgety grubs,
      And maybe a spork for prawns at beach BBQS.
      His family first used a fork after being rounded up in the glens of loch Lomond and used a fork to pick the lock on their manacles aboard the prison ship.

    • Cuntstable@ All stolen. Stamped – East India Company / British Rail / HMP, etc. etc.
      The rotters.
      Good evening.

      • I’ll have you know that my family and myself have been stealing cutlery from the Raffles hotel and the Singapore Savoy for generations. It makes the food taste better and impresses our convict brethren, though the dirty bastards try and steal it themselves.

    • Well everyone has a set of cutlery in Straya.

      Being criminals we stole them off each other

  19. Food is a religion. The ultimate religion. No topic is as complex as food.

    It stirs massive, massive, massive rages and passions in us. And why not? What we put into us, MAKES us as a baby, child, “adult”, whatever that is – “adult”.

    I am at the stage where my rabbit holes have led me to the reality that vegetables and fruit are indeed the, “food of the gods”. They are the most “etheric” foods. Meats are heavy, so they make your soul heavy. I’m not going full retard vegan just yet, but I’ve stopped eating pork, fuck that shit, a pig eats poop and then I eat poopy piggy? No thanks.

    As for etiquette. Yeah… just keep it simple and use the utensils and don’t speak, get it down you, drink water not booze when eating, don’t be Boozy Brian who is bleazing when he chows down the roast.

    EAT
    DRINK
    AND
    BE
    MERRY!

    And fuck the governments and mainstream medias in their dry asses this decade and END the cunts.

    • You are a Methodist and I claim my five notes.
      Which I will spend on booze.
      Capital.

      • Gordon@
        As spiritual journeys go im on the opposite track.
        Roast pork, washed down with a lovely pint of bitter.
        Vegetables? Peas, maybe tomato ketchup.

        I truly am the son of God.😇

      • Alfred Hitchcock voice: Good eeeeving, Mis and ladies and gentlemen.

        By all means eat what you like, put in you like the DeLorean time-machine in Back to the Future 2. But you must admit that veg and fruit make you feel extra-special. Porridge and blueberries,YES! But YES too when the roasted stuff is brought out, no question. It’s all balance.

        “Excess… in moderation.”
        – Doug Stanhope, boozebag comedian from the Colonies…

        (3 min video)
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mrrca_PmViw

        He’s balder now. As am I. Fuck the govern-media in it’s dry ass-pipes at all opportunities. This is a philosophy we can all get behind… get behind their DRY poop-chutes and RAM it in there. NASA needs to be raped too. Occupy NA$$$A. In it’s bowels. Make them fess up to the Earth not being a globe. Lying Freemason faqqotz.

    • I think I’m a New Age Omnivore. I love the divine energy foods but I won’t swear off the quadrupeds and fishies as they taste amazing, but I’d can’t eat them too often as my anus tells me that such stuff is deadly to anus and thus the rest of my body. Old anus! Such wisdom he has.

      • Gordon.
        A big glass of pure orange juice first thing of a morning or tomato juice!
        Set you up!
        Get a big of a rush off it.
        Without it id definitely have scurvy.

      • Mis told me in secret emails that he has his juice administered via the Kellogg method. Back in the 70s, Mis also partook in cocaine parties via the Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac method. To each their own. Rumours of his “Rod Stewart spunk parties” are yet to be substantiated by my legal team and thus I can’t even mention them in passing on the internet at this present time.

      • In my defence I thought Rodders said ‘punk party’.
        There I was with me Sex pistols album under my arm and Ramones T shirt on..
        Boy did I have egg on my face.
        Well, bit like egg….😂

  20. My wife and her family are Latinas so everything is drenched in olive oil which I detest. Plates are swimming in the stuff – which incidentally costs a fortune – and they are so clumsy that when they slice the food, it skids around and then flies off the plate and lands on the table or my shirt front. They raise their eyes at each other when I protest. I believe this oily fare is called the Mediterranean diet and doctors rave about it. It´s supposed to be good for the heart but it raises my blood pressure.

  21. Not keen on plate scrapers – the ones that scratch the plate with their knife and fork like Quint on the chalk board in Jaws.

    Plate lickers. No words to describe this habit.

    • As a seventeen year old, I was invited to dinner by this girl from a pub I drank in. She was just a mate.
      Sat down to a plate of lasagne, with her parents and older brother.
      Her family were farmers.

      They demolished the meal she had cooked, like starving Ethiopians at an you can eat Buffett-chomping, smacking of lips and open mouth chewing😢
      Worse still-Her family all licked the plates clean😢😢

      Disgusting pigs.
      Felt sorry for the girl.

  22. We’ve got a long sharp knife that’s capable of cutting four types of bread at the same time, it’s a four loaf cleaver….

  23. I have impeccable eating manners.
    Always clean my teeth before & after and have a towel handy, to mop up any sticky mess.
    Er’ indoors appreciates my decorum 😉

    • Fuck all that la-di-da gay shite.
      Im going to get a nosebag off the father in-law.
      Horses have got it sussed!
      Strap your dinner to your face and can get on with doing something else!
      Might start a new craze?
      For the busy types on the go?
      Yuppies, business types,
      Covid safe too!

  24. A few years ago I found out about American style cutlery etiquette (as differing from the Continental style we favour); its all swapping and putting down and swapping like some sort of musical cutlery game. For anyone who doesn’t know what it is, this is it:

    Holding food in place with the fork tines-down, a single bite-sized piece is cut with the knife. The knife is then set down on the plate, the fork transferred from the left hand to the right hand, and the food is brought to the mouth for consumption. The fork is then transferred back to the left hand and the knife is picked up with the right.

    • Kinda sounds like their foreign policies
      A bit to the left and a bite to the right
      Shake it all about
      Messy at the dining table

    • Eating will have to evolve into a one handed endevor, because these cunts can’t put their fucking phones down

  25. Cutlery is unnecessary 50% of the time.

    Use your hands, they are far more versatile in handling solid foods.

    Semi-slops, fair enough, you need irons.

    Full slops can be drank straight out of a bowl.

    Solids can be torn using both hands or chewed off using your teeth.

    Why is it acceptable to eat a sandwich or fruit without irons?

    Cut out the cutlery. It’s one less thing to wash.
    And that will help save the planet!

    See..I’m full of ideas for this fantastic new modern world.

    • Fuck off Flexicunt, that’s the thin end of the wedge.

      It might feel like fun when going to a balti house or similar to feel all effnick but it’s regressing us back to the fucking paleolithic. The overbite, which in past generations was rarely seen outside of a farmyard, that we’ve evolved is a consequence of this trend to eating like goofy orientals. If you’re in a Chinese restaurant and they offer you two sticks to eat with tell them you’re a civilized Westerner and demand proper cutlery.

      • I don’t do it to feel efnick mate, i just fucking like it that way. Balti house or my own house don’t matter, bread IS cutlery!!

    • I use bread all the time as cutlery.

      I scoop beans and soup onto it.

      Don’t like that naan bread much though, its like chewing boot leather.

      Never eaten a chapati, is that a bit like a naan?

  27. Wow. What a busy thread. Seems everyone quite upset by this.

    Me too.

    If you are alone, eat however you like. However.
    I fuckin’ hate people who hold their fork like a knife. Like they are posh or special. Regarded more like. Remember Prunella Scales in the cod in parsley sauce advert ‘they like to see how the other half live’ ? like that.
    And people who eat chicken by pulling apart the bits with greasy fingers with massive nail extensions, popping the bits past their bulbous lips into their oddly pink gobs, it turns my stomach.
    Also.
    Simple message I tell my kids. Food goes from plate to mouth. None should ever return from mouth to plate. Simples.

  29. I read a recent article in The Mail that said a recent study found that 54% of kids don’t eat with a knife and fork between the ages of 4 and 10.
    60% often use their hands while 28% talk with their mouths full and 35% allow kids to use phones or tablets at the table.
    23% of parents are embarrassed when taking their kids to restaurants. Kids, I’ve seen 20-30 year old’s eat like chimps in a zoo! Society is definitely going fucking backwards.

  30. Two very important things were taught to me when I was a young child…
    1)If you don’t eat your dinner, you don’t get any pudding.
    2)Use a teaspoon when eating pudding. It makes it last longer.

      • Hello, CG.
        Hello all.
        I’ve been busy with work (it’s getting busier with Christmas coming) and taste testing sister Dolly’s cakes ready for Christmas.
        I do pop on here to read the nominations and comments.
        I promise to interact a bit more.

        How you doing, CG? 🙂

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