Airport Security Staff

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Recently I was part of a team doing demolition work at the airport (bat flu has made the shops shut) before commencing work we had to register, provide photo ID, get passes and go through security scans.

Fair enough. The staff are private contractors, not customs the majority of which were difficult to understand heavily accented foreigners and with a few exceptions (low caste colonial Indians) are officious power tripping tin Jesus types.

Having a bushy beard they singled me out (good thing I wasn’t wearing a tea cosy). When registering my tools and having to remove my boots they had a conniption, a hammer, Stanley knife, pocket knife and here’s the kicker a carpenter’s hatchet, a most useful tool that also makes me feel a bit like good King Robert.

After convincing them they were necessary to the task they saw fit to gripe about the small bottle of Worcestershire in my bag, I’m not going on an aeroplane says I and I needs it to kill the taste of foreign muck I’m often forced to endure for lunch, no, were having it I even had to let them empty out my water bottle.

So after an hour we began work and after filling bins taking them out emptying them into a large skip and going through the screening process again. After the third time after emptying my pockets and removing my boots I walked through the scanner at which point some foreign bint screeched at me unintelligibly and the rotund dwärf that was trying to chat her up (he had no chance)

instead of being at his station waddled over wagging his finger at me saying “this is not a self service area”. I had to hold my tongue as these cunts have no sense of humour and could only think of Papa Lazorou saying “this is a saga now”.

For my impertinence I was made to go through the metal detector again, the body scanner again, get felt up rather roughly again (buy me a drink first), and get wiped over for traces of narcotics and explosives again.

You’ve rumbled me thought I, 275 years of plotting the third Jacobite rebellion from our secret base in Perth (West Oz) ruined. Five hours of work and three of arsing about for four days.

What a fucking tea ceremony, never again.

Nominated by: Shackledragger cunt

52 thoughts on “Airport Security Staff”

  1. Nice header pic – that’s my early morning Sunday wank sorted!

    Never get to see those kinds of wimminz going through security at Birmingham/Manchester airports – instead they’re all fucking trolls, chavs, munters and gargoyles!

  2. They won’t let you through security with a pair of tweezers in case you might pluck someone to death, but once through security you can buy a big, heavy glass bottle of spirits to take on the plane.

    Makes perfect sense to me.

    • But you see, security can get to fuck when there’s a profit to be made. Once past security thousands of multi purpose slashing weapon/incendiary devices are available tax free. And if you fly first class you get proper knives and forks for your stabbing pleasure because terry-wrusts don’t fly first do they?

      • Absolutely. True. In 1st and Business you can get a fucking steak knife if steak is on the menu lol.

      • If I was a terrorist on a suicide mission I would want to go first class.

        You can’t take your money with you.
        Knives are readily available.
        You are closer to the cockpit.

        Why travel economy?

  3. The only time I have been through a metal detector is when I took a car dealing cunt to court (his intransigence cost him £25k plus with court/expert witness/legal fees😂👍), a few nightclubs back in the day and train stations / museums etc in large cities.

    Shackle-were you paid by the hour or a price for the job?

    • They must be able to tell when someone is legit?
      Rather than some random nutter?
      Just awkward little cunts.
      A contractor with tools isnt going to have the same kit as a jihadi.
      Its the bushy beard Shackles.
      Im always getting beard prejudice.
      I dont expect waiters to seat me at a table with
      “This way Hagrid”..
      Nor
      ‘here for the Bar mitzvah?”
      But they do.
      Impertinence is rife sadly.

      • G,’day Mis. The beardless are consumed with jealousy, envy and a sense of inferiority for their lack of testosterone. My Prussian grandmother had a fine beard.

    • I got paid by the hour. The boss must’ve been paid well despite the fuck around plus the salvage of a couple of flat screens, fridge motors and metal shelving.

  4. On a similar note, I got called to the local airport, recently, and had to go to the UK Border Force office to see a patient. Not one of the fuckers was white or English. (Border Force staff, not the patient!).

    • Border Farce needs to be cautious with its recruitment we wouldn’t want them to appoint CUNTS who will allow low life illegals into the country, would we? Diversity is our fatal weakness.

  5. They don’t turn over the Peacefuls properly because they are afraid of being accused of raaaaaay-sism. Therefore they give whitey a hard time to make it look like they’re doing their job. It’s just a matter of luck whether you get on a plane with goatfucking terrorists or not.
    Ever seen that film “Flight 93”?
    That will put you off flying for life.

    • I flew with United to San Francisco from Heathrow on the 15th anniversary of 9/11, didn’t think of it when booking. It was of course all over the news on the day, so there was definitely a worry that the cunts would do something to commemorate it.
      And, the last message I got before we took off was from my brother, who thought it was funny to send me a picture of the plane hitting the second tower. The fucker.
      By plane, I obviously mean missile with a hologram projector.😉

      • Actually no. Only those who aren’t sheeple know it was CIA using CGI in a Jew controlled psy-op.

        The 3,000 ‘dead’ were all crisis actors who never existed. The orders for the operation were given by the leader of the lizard people, Kris Kristofferson (David Icke reckons he’s a high up in the lizard people hierarchy – true story. Convoy has a hidden meaning. Play that film backwards and it’s an instruction manual for world domination.)

        Wake up sheeple!

      • Içkes a cheeky cunt!
        Kris Kristofferson is a proper mans man.
        He was a helicopter pilot in the US army and studied English at Oxford so hes no dummy.
        And a talented songwriter.
        According to Icke anyone who doesn’t wear turquoise tracksuits and spout gibberish is a iguana.
        ,😀😀

  6. The UK should employ Israeli type security at the airports, no fucking around and nowt PC about it. If you have been into, for example Sinai, and then travel back through Tel Aviv you had better make sure everything is in order, they check and double check. I saw a couple of cunts being escorted into ‘private rooms’ for further questioning 😂

    Just watching the news, Border Force are going to get brand new water taxis at a cost of £74 million, obviously expecting more demand 🤨

  7. There’s a bus leaves my local station every few hours – taking security staff to and from the airfield they are using as an Internal Border Facility (whatever the fuck that is). I don’t think I’ve ever seen a white face amongst them.

  8. I’ve worked airside at a couple of airports, and you get used to it, even if it is a bit of a ball ache. It was funny though, watching them remove a can of coke from the van that we were taking through security, but they had no issue with the gallon of petrol we had for the tools.
    Watching the luggage handlers make a game of loading luggage from the carousel to the buggy that takes it to the aircraft, by parking the buggy far enough away from the baggage that it needed to be thrown at it. Always packed since with that in mind.

  9. Oz airport staff are mostly full-on cunts.
    Sydney was practically a fucking third degree, Brisbane was a nightmare too. My missus was grilled there and again a short while later in Cairns. Puts you off going and after next time that’s me done.

    There was some humour once at Manchester when I packed some egg butties for a trip cos no food included.
    Anyhow the smell/gas whatever set off the probe ffs and bag was rushed away to the dangerous egg buttie zone.

  10. Australian airport security have a nightmare with chinkys.
    Bring all sorts of weird shit hoping to smuggle it into Oz.
    Beetles and rotting veg, shite with tentacles etc.
    Delicacies from back home.
    Willing to break the law
    Just so they can have some wuhan woodlice sprinkled on their breakfast or bat wing and squid tumour soup.
    The filthy cunts.

  11. Serves you right.

    As a Colonial.you probably have the look of an habitual offender…they’d have ushered me straight through while bowing and scraping before a true English Gentleman.

    Good Day to you,Sir.

    • What if Gemma Arterton inexplicably fell from grace and was now working at Newcastle airport conducting strip searches, Dick?

      • I’d hide an engagement ring up my hoop and let her poke her finger in…once I’d “put a ring on it”,she’d finally be mine.

        Since my unfortunate deportation from Greece,I get stopped every fucking time anyhow.

        Morning,LL.

    • G’day Sir Richard. My oldest mate when seeing my forklift license photo said said I looked like I should be in the crimestopper pages, “wanted for questioning over multiple acts of gross indecency at a children’s petting zoo”.

  12. I once got the full treatment from these fuckers (I thought they were going to get the gloves on). No idea why. Honky. No beard. No tats and had a plain t shirt with no political logo. No criminal record.

    It was Manchester airport and it was a peaceful frisking me and checking my luggage really carefully. Loads of questions. Checked me laptop. Felt me nuts and arse. He said it was random afterwards, I was just the unlucky next one up. Probably true.

    Meanwhile, there was me thinking it should be him getting checked over. And two cunts with big beards and white frocks on walked straight through.

    What a fucking joke.

    If it was up to me, the minute a peaceful type walks through the airport doors, he should be pinned to the ground and checked very, very carefully. Then, put on a peacefuls only plane.

    Great how that 1-2 hour before the flight check in time has now changed to at least 3 hours because of these CUNTS! And I get my bollocks frisked by one of these cunts because THEY create fucking problems.

    What a fucking fantastic contribution they are to our society.

    Fuck them. Fuck them all.

    • Absolutely spot on.
      Same when returning from abroad and you have to get through immigration only to find a peaceful checking your passport.

  13. I wonder if all the rich celeb cunts, showbiz and sports people, VIPs, prime minister and presidents have to go through the same mundane scanning, spreading and probing us mortals have to endure?

    Imagine Boris, or Lineker, or Lily Mong being strip searched and a metal detecting probe shoved up their hoops in front of thousands of people!?

    Never happen of course. They probably have their own exclusive gateway to their own exclusive private jets that belch out all sorts of dirty pollution while these same cunts keep telling us stop killing the planet!

    Cunts

    • of course not. They are the chosen ones. Like all the wankers flying into COP26 to tell us to save the planet by freezing to death. And that ginger cunt Sheeran.

  14. I imagine it’s all rather hilarious to the elites and diplomats as they waltz straight on their private jets with suitcases full of money/drugs/body, not having been scanned and humiliated.

    Airports are for cattle, to be herded and branded as you cross imaginary lines. The distinct lack of humour in them, and the uptight fucknuts that run airports says it all.

    Fuck airports. I’ll take a dingy.

  15. The thing to remember about ALL “security guards” is that they don’t want the jobs they have – they WANTED tyo be policemen – it has always been their dream – their dads wanked over Dixon of Dock Green and Z Cars, and their early years was wanking over The Sweeeny, The Professionals, or even, God help us, The Bill, but it was not to be – they either failed the intelligence test and/or the medical so Reed Employment sorted out this security bollocks, and now that the police dress down, eschewing their white shirts dark ties and tunics, into black short-sleeved shirts, to show off their tattoos better, the security guards think they are one of them, one of the same big unhappy family, and they act up to it, even if they are guarding a branch of Poundland.

    To be honest, if there was some massive security alert they would be the first to run and take months off with PSD a day later Wimminz, children and soft security guards first.

  16. Luckily I’ll never leave this country ever again.
    Dont even have a passport.
    So only time I’ll get searched and have to hand over documents is when they bring in covid passports.
    It’s a small price to pay for going the pub knowing I’m safe from the unvaccinated.
    😁😁

  17. 25,000 cunts (including 200 Russians, though not Putin) due to fly in to Glasgow next week for COP 26…

    Security? They’re having a giraffe! Covid testing? Of course not, that’s only for the little people.

    Fuck off.

  19. Right, fuck this for a game of soldiers,
    PUB.
    Sunday dindins and a couple of light ales watching the rain drown the sheep on the Pennine way.
    Have a good un cunters!👍

  20. Recently returning from Poland i put my passport through the self service scanner and it wouldn’t work.
    I was then sent to a passport desk with the usual miserable git sitting there.
    After scanning my passport several times he asked where i have been since it was last scanned in 2019 ?
    According to them i have been away from Blighty since 2019.
    The Passport has not been registered on any flights since then . I said isnt that a security breach ?
    The miserable cunt just waved me along.

  21. That bird at the top was part of a band called Little Mix. I thought when they first started out that they were an Irish band of dwarves for some reason.

  22. I don’t see myself ever flying again. No jab, not enough patience for masking or these security cunts and all the rules and annoyances etc. A 2 day drive will have to do I guess until we go all electric. Then a month by camel? Western civilization is not advancing that’s for certain.

  23. There are some rude twats employed at airports. I was once surrounded by about six people, I think it was at Schiphol, who demanded I should let them search me. Of course they found nothing and then just walked away without saying anything.
    At Manchester I was singled out by one feller who rummaged through the contents of my suitcase, looking for drugs I assume. When he didn’t find any he started asking me which bars and clubs I’d been in while on holiday, which had fuck all to do with him. Then he abruptly walked off leaving me to pack my case again. No ‘thank you, sorry for the inconvenience’, nothing at all.

    • These cunts ought to swap jobs with Border Farce – maybe we’d get somewhere with it then!

  24. I had an experience at the Tower of London, A bag check by one of Bin laden’s family. when he was done I checked it myself to make sure he had not put anything in it himself.

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