‘Apelles the chamberlain ate here most agreeably and had a shag at the same time’.
When excavating the Roman ruins at Herculaneum, archaeologists found the above bit of waggery scrawled on a tavern wall, along with a lot of other crude and/or witty graffiti to boot. Which all goes to prove that graffiti have been around for a long time.
I’ve always enjoyed a bit of cod philosophy that someone’s taken the trouble to inscribe.
Favourites of mine include ‘beware of homosexual limbo dancers’ (at the foot of a toilet cubicle door), and ‘drinking Border Ales is like making love in a punt; it’s fucking close to water’ (on a urinal wall in Wales). And who couldn’t appreciate the legendary ‘Kilroy was here’, to which was added ‘Heisenberg might have been’?.
Oh for the good old days, when graffitists knew their place and largely confined their observations on life to bog walls, contributing something for the rest of us to enjoy while taking a dump.
Nowadays we seem to have an ‘angry brigade’ of very chippy, charmless cunts who scribble their anti-social bile anywhere. Recent examples I’ve spotted on the side of buildings include the amusing ‘Burn the Police’ and ‘Free Housing for All’ (seems like a sound economic model). I also enjoyed ‘All Coppers are Barstards (sic)’, and the hilarious ‘Covid-19 = Capitalism: LO’ (??).
It’s cold and heartless. Where’s the wit or the irony?
Even worse, given the advent of aerosol sprays, graffiti has become a nasty, wide-spread mess. ‘Community artists’ think they’re enhancing the local environment by spraying their gruesome ‘logos’ about. Then you’ve got the Picasso wannabees who deface any bit of wall space with their crazy, lurid murals.
I don’t know, maybe I’m getting old, but I don’t recall graffiti ever being so pervasive, so in your face, as it is now. It used to be a bit of fun. Now it’s just a cretinous eyesore. Fuck it, and the vandals responsible for it.
Nominated by: Ron Knee
My favourite one of recent times was on a cafe sandwich board in Manchester.
On this sandwich board, prices for this extortionate cafe were on view. Stuff like coffee, sandwiches and cake all at ridiculous prices. One of the items was ‘Gateaux’ at a fiver a slice.
Well,one wag went past and wrote ‘Bolleaux’ right next to it.😉
15
Well done Norm😉
My favourite, seen on a toilet door of the public toilets, by the Cathedral steps, Chester walls, in the 1970’s:
Here I sit all broken hearted
Paid 2p and only farted
Yesterday I took a chance
Saved 2p but shit my pants
Now that is memorable😀👍
15
Also, I think, from a similar location:
“Stainer’s Crucifixion”
Underneath:
About time too!!
3
I think I remember that bolleaux joke from The Comedians, circa 1973.
Still a good one though.
3
A line manger of mine used to feature in X-Rated cartoons in the toilet stalls of my old workplace. It started out as a few doodles and had morphed into some Viz like Sistine Chapel by the time I left. I know nuffink abaaht it of course.
10
Shit.
3
That photo must be Yank graffiti as never change ‘shit’ to the past. Instead of ‘shat’ , they say “Hey maan, I shit myself”.
What, every day?
3
Im not a yank lover by the way. I will always feel in my blood for the people who defended me, i will defend them. I always use the term brotherhood and not comrade.
3
Another thing although i did vote leave they put comrade on some emails. This is why i dont trust national government or any other fucker in this NWO. Its not the western world whos doing it, its people who bullshit.
2
Not really that witty, but I always recall some grafitti on a low wall on the southern side of the Dartford crossing, western side (pre-M25 days) around 1978, which read:
“The Meet” – presumably some local lads who called themselves by this name.
Then some wag had added in huge letters underneath:
“Are Wankers”
Always made me chuckle as a boy.
5
What’s wrong with the classic spunking cock?
11
Gary Lineker wanted paying for image rights.
15
The school I went to wasn’t the most genteel place on earth, and it made the one in the Blackboard Jungle look like The Magic Roundabout.
One total nutter (no idea who) once wrote the word ‘Shit’ on the toilet wall using actual shit instead of ink or paint. That’s the sort of place it was.
I only hope it was their own they used and not someone else’s….🤢
8
I remember when I was in the 4th year of secondary school the 5th years were having their last day.
They celebrated it by having a ‘shit fight’ in a grassy area between our classrooms. I think they were using dog shit, but it could’ve been their own for all I know. They were running around with it in their hands (about 20 of the cunts) and some had it in their hair and in their faces.
They were chasing girls around with it too.
Not the best way to impress the fairer sex, one would think.
That school made Grange Hill look like Harrow to us ffs.
4
Sounds like Harrovian behaviour. I might be wrong…
2
When frequenting the toilets of service stations running from the M74 all the way down the M6 & M5, I was surprised to see the mobile telephone number of my manager requesting call backs for gay sex. He must have been struggling for replies as he had put his number up on the stations on both the Northbound and Southbound sides of the motorway.
10
Maybe he went both ways.
15
Banksy is a boring cunt. Same shit different wall. ROBBO made his mission to spray robbo over them as soon as they were squerted . Hilarious.
9
Full on cunt.
3
Graffiti is nowt new.
In Istanbul (Constantinople)
In the Hagia sofhia mosque is some viking runes carved into the marble balcony,
It reads
‘Halfdan was here’.
The filthy turks hired the norsemen as bodyguards and personal troops called the Varangian guard.
Its human nature to graffiti stuff.
Sometimes its funny
Sometimes political
Sometimes artistic
Sometimes shite.
I like it
8
MNC@ – Some despicable waycist language and graffiti on Hadrians wall – by all accounts those pesky Romans weren’t keen on the cold weather or the Picts of Hibernia who were in the habit of scoffing the soldiers they killed!
3
Best bit of graffiti I saw was on a bog wall in Levenshulme Manchester in 1990. Two arrows pointing in opposite directions. World in motion New Order this way Bowels in motion out of order this way.
3
Graffiti is violence!
4
An possibly racist?
Yippee!!!!!
7
My favourite bit of graffiti was a slogan sprayed across the end of an underpass I made use of on my way to work back in the ’80s. It said:
YOU’RE SHIT AND YOU KNOW IT
I could not help but agree.
7
What about the classic Jesus saves….with the Woolwich.
6
Jesus Saves! But Pancho gets the rebound!
Old Trafford, 1976.
5
Saw that on a school desk, well, ‘Jesus saves, but Keegan scores on the rebound’. Made me laugh!
4
Jesus saves, at the Vatican bank (founded1946). They had to put the Reichsgeld from the ratlines somewhere.
6
Fuck the vatican they are a load of CUNTS
6
My favourite was ‘Bolan Lives!’ in the gents in a pub in Chichester.
5
The warehouse on the train line from between Mc Iver and Perth (WestOz) has had GRANNIE PANTIES scrawled on it for decades, seeing it always brightens my day
5
On a wall near me…
“3 things I hate
1) Graffiti
2) Lists
3) Irony
12
They used to put graffiti on walls. Now they pay someone to put it on their bodies. There’s advanced civilization for you.
5
A few old ones spring to mind:
M Khan is bent ok !!!
Painted on a railway bridge over the North Circular Road near Bounds Green. Was there for years.
George Davis is innocent
All over east London in the 70’s – some veteran criminal low life
Perry Buckland is innocent
All over the Camden and Kentish Town areas in early 80’s, don’t know who he was.
5
I remember the George Davies ones.
Didn’t know what he did but my old man always called him a cunt whenever he saw it on a bridge
4
After the Richardson’s and the Kray’s, they went after the Davies brothers-another bunch of dirty cunts👎
4
I saw the “George Davis is innocent” one on a railway bridge in London this century. Deluded twats. He was a well known low life.
2
One of the favourites from my youth.
‘Here I sit feeling bored, pulling and tugging my tampax cord’.
The irony of this was that it graced the male changing room wall at the local sports fields.
Either someone was way ahead of the trans curve, or the local rugby team had been out on the piss the night before.
8
Trannies have been about forever , just less militant back in the day and didn’t expect you to refer to them as her.
A tranny you could respect basically. All of them just looked like blokes in wigs.
Quiet dignity about them 😀
7
I don’t mind something you can read, like the one on the way towards London on the M40 : ‘Good Morning Lemmings’.
Not a fan of random squiggles sprayed all over bus shelters and shop windows.
3
One that effected me, made me think when I was a teenage lad in Stockport was
‘QUESTION AUTHORITY’.
I didnt know what he meant,
Just seemed strange advice.
Probably some angry Trot?
Dont disagree though.
I like seeing old graffiti thats from a forgotten time,
Old loyalty to bands long gone
Sham 69 or Showaddywaddy.
3
S.L.A.T.F.A.T.Cunts – is that the bridge that used to have ‘Why do I do this every day’on it?
5
Why do I do this every day ? was on a fence by the side of the M40 near the M25 junction. Once you’re on the M25 ‘Give peas a chance’ was painted on a viaduct as you head clockwise.
6
Still is👍
4
Afraid not CG. It was painted over with another graffiti a couple of years ago now.
3
Never mind graffiti on walls etc, what about graffiti on bodies?
Some of the tattoos, Christ on a Crutch!
4
Especially bad portraits of their children.
Hilarious, until you realise those kids are being raised by a thick wanker.
3
On a toilet wall in Moston, 1977:
‘Some come here to sit and think.
Some come here to shit and stink.
But I come here to play with my balls
and write all over these fucking walls!’
Also on the same wall in 77 ‘Elvis Lives!’
Under that was written, ‘Fuck! That was quick! He only died last week!’
9
The old Tommy Ducks pub used to have decent graffiti.
Clark Kent is superman, always made me chuckle.
Reality is a myth caused by a lack of alcohol.
But my favourite was daubed on a railway bridge on the line entering Derbyshire, which read
Sheepshagging starts here.
It was there for decades.
7
From the beginning of time with cave paintings the Renaissance, Cubism, Impressionism, etc you still can’t beat the old jizzing cock with lines emanating from the crown. Classic. About 40 years ago in my town was a huge poster advertising the Salvation Army. The pic showed a old lady being helped by one of the army girls. Some wag put speech bubbles with the old lady saying “oooh she just hit me” and the army girl saying ” oh shut yer moaning hole you old cunt” Pure poetry
6
Some cave painting is a bit average though, isn’t it. Somebody showed me photos of Aborigine cave painting they’d paid to see in Australia and it was dreadful. Stick figures and stick trees as if it was drawn by a child. Just awful. I would’ve demanded a refund.
Lazy, drunk, AND shit at drawing.
4
Some of them can be pretty average Cap, ‘The Goon Bags of Mount Shano’ are quite something though.
3
Ahh yes, Liquors. One can never forget when one’s eyes first alight on the Cave dwellings of Wagga Wagga and one is struck by the transcendental beauty and rhythm, forcing one to question the entire meaning of art. My favourite was the immortal, ‘Chundering On The Neck O’ Me Woolagong Handbag’.
Simply marvellous.
2
I got the slipper for writing ‘MUFC We hate Blues!’ and carving ‘Doc’s Red Army’ on a school desk.
Lovely bit of graffiti on a Motorway bridge near (where else?) Liverpool.
‘Happy 30th Birthday, Gran!’
8
Norman@ – Yep, I got bollocked for writing Manchester United graffiti at school.
Probably shouldn’t have signed it..
4
I remember there was a big inquisition and after school detention for my class because someone had written ‘it’s not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean’ in felt tip on a desk. Judging by the handwriting it looked a girl had written it. Nobody admitted to it, hence the detention.
3
Liverpool airport when Liverpool were second from bottom. On J Lenon’s statue the words were engraved. Above us only sky somebody had written, below us only West ham.
7
Bus stop back in the 90s on the way to work had one of those French make up ads with a laughing model with plenty of lippy on.
Some splendid fellow had drawn a large cock and balls in giant marker adjacent with a tremendous money shot to the models glamorous pie hole.
Victory.
8
Your reference cock and balls UT reminddd me of a this great Larkin poem-
Sunny Prestatyn
BY PHILIP LARKIN
Come To Sunny Prestatyn
Laughed the girl on the poster,
Kneeling up on the sand
In tautened white satin.
Behind her, a hunk of coast, a
Hotel with palms
Seemed to expand from her thighs and
Spread breast-lifting arms.
She was slapped up one day in March.
A couple of weeks, and her face
Was snaggle-toothed and boss-eyed;
Huge tits and a fissured crotch
Were scored well in, and the space
Between her legs held scrawls
That set her fairly astride
A tuberous cock and balls
Autographed Titch Thomas, while
Someone had used a knife
Or something to stab right through
The moustached lips of her smile.
She was too good for this life.
Very soon, a great transverse tear
Left only a hand and some blue.
Now Fight Cancer is there.
4
‘Clapton is God’ behind the cinema.
3
Coming back home from a Transco strike in 2001. Saw a sign for Cockfosters altered to Cockfesters. Nearly wrote the van off laughing so hard.
5
Scribed onto the walls of a works cubicle at eye level when seated.
Toilet tennis. See other wall.
And on the side.
Toilet tennis. See other wall.
And what happened to Killroy?
3
Building site bogs are hard to beat for supremacist inter-trades ribaldry.
“Darby’s (the heating engineers) couldn’t heat a cup of fucking tea!”
and…
Dom the dumb cunt (coz he was) just backed his Skyjack over his toolbox, (coz he had 8-)…
…he’s just doubled its value!
3