Deliberately Overcomplicated Pay Offers

He knows a bit about payoffs.

My employer has just announced the details of it’s pay offer, which has been debated since approximately August 2019. It is a three year ‘award’ ending next August and has been presented in a 25 page document and slideshow.

Along with an electronic calculator. the idea being you put your details in and this wonderful device will tell you exactly what you can expect, the only snag being the fucking thing is permanently disabled and the only message you get is one saying apologies it is being mended etc.

I don’t know how much time and energy it takes to say ”You aren’t getting fuck all this year, you cunt, because we fucking despise you”. You could lose the will to live trying to figure these things out, probably deliberate so they won’t have to pay your pension. You must have to be a particular sort of misanthropic bastard to draw up one of these things.

Nominated by – Mary Hinge

37 thoughts on “Deliberately Overcomplicated Pay Offers

  1. If the payrise is so compliated its a stitch up.
    Know thats simplistic but nevertheless true.
    Hidden in the details is catches,
    Not beneficial to you but certainly to your employer.
    Baffle em with bullshit.
    If not theyd give it you straight and crow about what good employers they are .
    Watch em.

    • MNC, you and Mary have described my places’ wage offer exactly.
      We must all work for the same company.
      Our insulting wage offer was presided over by that bunch of self serving cunts Unite the Union.
      A second worse offer was accepted by about twenty more people than actually voted, and rejected the first offer.
      Somehow in the secret ballot.
      I gave myself a wage rise by cancelling my Unite contributions.

      • You should’ve stuck with them Duke, as announced today that Unite now has a new wimminz as general secretary. I’m sure she would’ve got you a good deal.
        Len McCluskey has now moved on, no doubt to being an even bigger cunt than previously.

      • Duke@
        Im self employed now,
        But used to have a fair bit to do in my last employment with Unite the Onion and red Len McCluskey.
        A right bunch of snidey cunts an no mistake!
        Against the odds a dopey cunt like me managed to pull the rug from under them.
        And they gave me a agreement to go away.
        It set me up in business for myself, got the missus a new car and we had a lovely Christmas that year.
        Never trust those cunts.

      • He will because even if you dont agree with his politics he will have a wealth of knowledge. A champagne socialist of the highest order stealing peoples money for stories.

      • Our union has recommended we accept the offer, otherwise we will get something worse. I don’t know why we are all paying subs to get advice like this. I came out of the union a while ago because I found out by chance that they were using our money to pay for members and their partners, hangers on etc, to go to London on coaches to join in protest marches with such vague aims as Anti Capitalism, I should think the majority who went marched for 100 yards then threw the banner over a wall and pissed off up to Oxford Street. Then during the EU referendum and election campaigns, they were constantly texting and emailing urging us to vote Leave or Labour, so I gave them a good bit of abuse – I had to rejoin though to be able to vote in the pay ballot, fuck knows why I bothered.

  2. Glad I work for myself and as the boss, I win Employee of the Month, every month. My old company was swallowed up by a yank multinational and the months of uncertainty over job security, let alone a pay offer was a nightmare. The old adage of being treated like mushrooms, fed shit and kept in the dark, never rang truer.

    • Nowt better is there LL?
      Your own man.
      I was up on a disciplinary hearing for stealing company property last week and got off with it!👍
      Thatd never of happened when I was employed by others.

      • You can get away with all sorts, Miserable. Underpants free Tuesdays are a big winner!

      • As is defraud the taxmán Saturday.
        You busy at the moment LL?
        Im rammed with work,
        Knackered but bills are paid.

      • Don’t be stingy, MNC. He can be defrauded any day of the week.
        Treat yourself, throw a Tuesday and a Friday in as well. 😀
        All right pal ?

      • Hehehe 😀
        Evening Jack,
        I appreciate that business advice and will quote you in my forthcoming fraud trial.
        Anyway, the taxman can fuck right off!
        Bullying poor hardworking little fish like me an thee,
        Its the likes of Fiddler and his fuckin cash in hand land army they should bother.
        Bet he has em in tents for miles?
        Tannoy rooster call at 5am for work.

      • It’s not just the taxman. All these fucking clean air zones that are popping up are going to be a right pain in the arse.
        An unscrupulous person would probably be considering dodgy number plates.
        It’s a bleedin’ diabolical liberty, MNC.

      • Yes a unscrupulous person would probably have 3 sets of plates already.
        I tend to view this sort of shite as advisory Jack and ignore it.
        Same with 50mph signs and ‘no muddy boots or dog’ signs,
        Its a polite request that I ignore.
        Any charges incurred are passed straight to the customer.
        Its their worry!
        Toll roads, parking charges,
        Delays etc
        Not my responsibility.😁

      • Yes mate, its been a funny year, I have never known grass, hedges etc to put on so much growth so quickly. Today was perfect Goldilocks weather, not too hot, not too cold, 17 degrees and cloudy.

    • My ex-husband worked for himself, the only time he envied me working in a big office was at Christmas when we had the big piss ups and outings – he told me he had his own version of it, by getting into one of our cupboards and feeling himself up, then having a cry in the toilet and finally waking up in the garden with one shoe on, having wet himself.

    • Even more appropriate for HR wonks Komodo; they’re down there with lawyers and social workers.

      • Sorry but I disagree. HR wonks affect an awful phoney concern and optimism at the same time as they’re looking for your P45. Some of them even like each other.

        Top of the misanthropic bastard league are of course doctors’ receptionists, and it’s a tie for the next place between an aspirant middle manager on the way up and an accountant.

  3. I went for an accountancy position recently. During the interview the woman from HR said, “Can you describe yourself in three words.?”
    I said, “Pretty good with numbers”….

  4. These cunts have probably spent a sizeable proportion of the budget allocated for pay rises on this system and report. Money well spent, eh?

    A company I once worked for varied the time of year which pay rises were awarded, slipping it 3 months or more a year or when the boss man ‘got round to it’. They undoubtedly worked out that every four years, they would have avoided awarding a year’s rise. It was never backdated.


    • Afternnon Mr F…the hideous spectre of IR35 hasn’t darkened your door, has it?

      • I got into some real bother a few years ago for paying people as self-employed when they were “by rights” actually employed …there were also other issues regarding paying some casual people in cash.
        It was a mess…. took a fucking costly but worth every Penny Jewish accountant to
        pour oil on troubled waters.

        I still haven’t learned my lesson.

      • Cash is still king!
        Although the rent boy I employed last night said that he’d “take crypto”, whatever that is. I erred on the side of caution, tied him up then drove him to a church and bummed him in the crypt. Presumably that’s what he meant.

      • I had a parking stanley accountant (because i was told i was racist and thought give it a go) and i had to correct him. Cancelled my direct debit and done it myself. Pointless. Just believe of if you are doing the right thing you can argue it.

  5. If you’re getting nowhere negotiating a decent pay rise try different angles such as overtime pay, holidays, time in lieu and most of all a good redundancy package.

    It’s surprising how, if you chip away at the pay structure without management really seeing the big picture you can get benefits. The redundancy worked for me because the package was increased bit by bit.
    Fucking hell I’m boring myself here

  6. Oh, the joys of retirement, with a decent private pension, state pension too.

    I never have to deal with such cuntitude ever again.

    Though it irritates the fuck out of me that I pay income tax, to keep some feckless whore with 3 illegitimate rug rats in fake Ugg boots & the latest IPhone.

  7. I have promised myself from the 10th of June 2024 I need not to be nice to anyone any more. Bitch Boss included. The world can kiss my rectum.

  8. If it’s a job with an OTE then it’s not gonna be achievable
    Particularly in sales senior management do what they can to pay the minimum to staff and keep their fat cat wages until someone realises and fucks them off
    People paid mostly on commission have to lie to make a living and sell you pointless add ons you either don’t need don’t want and more likely don’t know yo u had anyway
    Think endowment mortgage protected payments plan compulsory insurance all bollocks sold to make someone’s money up
    Look at all the Stanley’s in phone shops out to con anybody too old to understand
    Pay a decent wage get decent folk
    Fuck I’m thirty years out of date and happy on my minimum wage no stress part time number
    If the pay deal ain’t simple yo u are being conned and will leave in months
    Back to who’s in charge it ain’t the English

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