Nauseating Songs

Posted on by

 

The Crown Prince of Nauseating songs. All hail.

On warm summer days the wife and I spend a lot of time loafing about in the garden, drinking wine and listening to oldies on some ‘classics’ radio channel. Generally you’ll hear good stuff, running the gamut from ABBA, the Beatles and the Bee Gees, all the way through to the Zombies.

Unfortunately from time to time, they’ll destroy the mood by playing some muck that’s so cheesy that it can induce feelings ranging from slight biliousness to a head-spinning, migraine style nausea, making you want to vomit in the nearest flowerbed.
There we were yesterday, basking in the sun like a couple of lizards and enjoying hearing some good tunes again, when on comes THIS abomination;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oSjhuIb6Us

Christ on a bike. Who actually went out and bought this, then listened to it without feeling queasy?

Naturally this set us off down memory lane, and before too long we had a list of nauseating songs which for my money, should be flushed down the nearest khazi.
“JJ Barrie, ‘No Charge’ is a cert”, said the wife gleefully. “Clive Dunn, ‘Grandad’. Neil Reid, ‘Mother of Mine’…”.

It didn’t take me long to come up with Billie Piper, ‘Because We Want To’, and ‘Honey’, by Bobby Goldsboro. “What about ‘Hello, This Is Joannie’, by Paul What’s-his-name, and ‘Save Your Love’, by Renée and Renato”?, chipped in the missus again.

Well, this little game kept us amused for quite a while, and made me think that I’d like to start up a K-tel type label (“Shithouse Records”, I think I’d call it) to launch a series of releases for the enjoyment of cunters everywhere. I’d follow “Now That’s What I Call Nauseating” with “NTWIC Irritating” and “NTWIC Boring”.

But let’s stay with the nausea theme for now. Come on you cunters out there in IsAcunt. What songs cause you queasily to reach for the sickbag? I’ll see your ‘Uptown Uptempo Woman’, and raise you a ‘Candle In The Wind’ *warble warble* “goodbah England’s rose…”. Thanks for that one Fat Reg. Now do one, there’s a good chap.

Nominated by: Ron Knee

129 thoughts on “Nauseating Songs”

  1. Seasons in the Sun.

    A happy flappy feel good song about someone dying from cancer.

    And I’ll be your Long Haired Lover from Liverpool – Jimmy Osmond.

    Anything by Bonnie Langford.

  4. ” Lady in Red” Chris Rea
    “Over My Shoulder” Mike and the Mechanics
    “No Charge” Tammy Wynette
    “Hello,this is Joanie” Paul Evans
    ” Dance with my Father” Luther Vandross

    All Crimes against Humanity.

      • Fanny told me ‘Last Christmas’ by Wham is your favourite Yuletide song. She says you can get quite maudlin in your cups during the festive season.

      • @ Mike…..I.of course, have the voice of an Angel..often been compared to a blend of Pavarotti,Nat King Cole and the foghorn on The Titanic.
        My rendition of “Last Christmas” performed at the village ” Winterval Festival” is still the stuff of legend…mainly due to the press headlines covering the subsequent court-case involving the words ” Vilest, traumatic,thoroughly unpleasant,incarceration.and nasty local Old Cunt”…and those were from my defence solicitor.

        Still, at least there’s a generation of spoiled local brats who will forever view Christmas in a whole new light…who knew that even the opening notes of ” Last Christmas” could still trigger a bout of vomiting,hysteria and even the odd catatonic state years later in the soft little benefit-sponges?

        This year I will refrain from singing and instead ploat and stuff a turkey before strangling it…see how the little shits enjoy their Christmas dinner after that particular bout of performance Art.

      • They just don’t make music like that any more….thank God.

        Morning,Mr.Boggs
        Morning,All.

    • Sorry to be pedantic Sir Richard but I think it was Chris de Burgh who did Lady in Red, a tribute to his Mrs. whilst he was shagging the family au pair girl.
      I thought you would like Chris Rea as he is from your part of the world and all around good bloke. Not a well man, he has had quite a few parts removed.

      • You’re right,Wanksock it was that utter Cunt De Burgh…I don’t mind Chris Rea….Stainsby Girl is a decent enough song.

  5. I can’t stand those “little girl” type wimminz warblers – because you know to get on in the pop world you have to be a musical Princess Diana – drop your knickers for any “important” man – a group of non-professional whores, in fact.

    Going back some seasons, I still remember the horror of hearing this in the summer of 1969 or 1970. I was now landlocked, after spending many years on the high seas – I hadn’t felt my legs on land for a long time (or anybody else’s for that matter), and I had my first home and a 4/5 year old son. That summer I spent ages working in the garden, but I had a neighbour who was addicted to this, and I heard it several times each day for weeks:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eQQKVKjifQ

    In later years, he renamed himself Kweer Charmer, but he still sings it as he applies his daily makeup.

    • Horrible. I am surprised your neighbour survived. Or does he rest for eternity under his own patio?

      • A couple of years later she had a mental breakdown. Delayed shock, I suppose – and they moved away to Luton.

  6. Glenn Medeiros – Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You

    Ronan Keating – You Shay it Besht when you Shay nothing at all (those aren’t typos, that’s how he pronounces it)

    Anything ever recorded Celine Dion.

    • Any of the upbeat ukulele whistling music which seems to prevalent on youtube. It has become the stock images of music.

  7. Joe Dolce – Shaddup your face. I wish he would.

    Right said Fred – I’m too sexy.

    Denis Waterman – I can be so good for you. (I can write dee theme toon, sing dee theme toon).

  8. Lionel Richie – Hello
    Stevie Wonder – I Just Called To Say I Love You

  10. Ugh, Boomer music. Not worth the ground out durrie beneath Benny Goodman’s shoe.

  11. THIS IS NOT A LOVE SONG.

    Everything ever by Celine Dion,
    Whitney Houston, boy band schmaltz, Lionel Ritchie, Luther VanDROSS, , Maria Carey,
    Love songs are a hate crime.
    Music died the day the Wurzels broke up.
    I only enjoy music in its written form.

    • Moderated?!!
      Wordpress loves tacky music.
      Oh well off to Wales to get covered in phlegm.

  12. Dancing in the moonlight by Toploader. Sounds like the intro to a fucking children’s program.
    And almost anything played by Heart FM. Lowest common denominator radio for wimminz.

  13. Anything sung primarily by kids. “Little” Jimmy Osmond has already had a deserved mention but how about Lena Zavaroni and “Ma! (He’s Making Eyes at Me)”, a song predicting the advent of Mo and Mustapha to these shores.
    Alternatively, Stockport’s finest, the girls of St. Winifred’s School Choir with “There’s No One Quite Like Grandma”? Incidentally, they were the uncredited backing “singers” for Brian & Michael’s “Matchstalk Men”.
    Talking of Lena’s, chuck in Lena Martell’s “One Day At A Time”. Sweet Jaysus indeed.
    However, the award for all-time cr@ppiest piece of aural torture has to go to Sinéad O’Connor for “Nothing Compares 2U”. Anyone involved in the recording, manufacture, sale and purchase of that abomination deserves to burn in the flames of Hell for eternity (hopefully the writer, Prince, is already stoking the fire).

    • Talking of Little (or, in the modern age, should that now be ‘Lil) Jimmy O, let us not forget his slack f@nnied sister, Marie (8 sprog contribution to global overpopulation*), and her twee 1973 offering “Paper Roses”.
      Dishonourable mention for “Deck of Cards” by Wink Martindale. Pass the sick bucket.
      *Although to be fair to her and the rest of the O clan, when the r@ce wars come they’ll be able to raise several of their own Utah battalions.

  14. The little piccannini who lisped “Happy”

    Any dark key rapping anything

    There is also an advert for a furniture company with another cunt lisping this time singing “let it sschine” – whatever that’s called, it’s shit as well

  15. How could I have overlooked these cheesy gems by the boggle-eyed Captain and his wife Tennille:

    Muskrat Love
    Love Will Keep Us Together

    🤢

    • I always thought they were “Capped an Ant, O’Neill”. Thanks for clearing that up.

  16. Well played Ron , “ not arff “. Before I nominate my slush song supreme I would like a quick cunt mention to messers T Blackburn with his liking for playing shit 70 s funk yuk and Steve wrong and his penchant for playing shite soft rock. Fuck off you pair of cunts.
    Most nauseous song for me is yellow submarine sung by beaky star. Fucking dreadful. Cunts.

    • I gatecrashed a Jewish wedding reception once, and that is what was played just before I was ejected by Mr. Goldstein*. The band all wore suits and kippahs, and the effect was more surreal than the movie.

      *Sportingly, it must be said. He let us finish our pints first.

  17. Pretty much any song made after 1990 could be in this category, with a few exceptions of course!

  18. Bridge Over Troubled Waters

    The Grenfell remix

    Doesn’t get much worse than that.

  20. Rap. All of it.

    Meatloaf, and what he won’t do for love. For about the same reasons as these:
    http://www.thetangential.com/2014/09/10/what-meatloaf-wont-do-for-love-and-why-its-creepy/

    Contentiously, Mozart – most of his instrumental work: by the time he gets to the eighth identical restatement of the trivial jingle he started with and starts preparing to land, because he’s run out of ideas. Does an ace opera, though. You have my permission to hate me for that

  22. Take That – Back for Good (any Take That Shit basically).
    Gerry and The Pacemakers – Ferry cross the Mersey
    Mungo Jerry – Summertime
    Vanilla Ice – Ice, Ice Baby
    Beatles – Yellow Submarine
    The Lightning Seeds with Baddiel and Skinner – Its coming home.

    Long live Bowie, Prince, Freddie Mercury, Scott Parker, Phil Lynott etc

    • Mungo Jerry can be forgiven because of some of the most evocative lyrics ever put to music in their other noteable record “Baby Jump”:-

      “She wears those micro-mini dresses
      Hair hanging down her back
      She wears those see-thu’ sweaters
      She likes to wear her stockings black”

      Who needs little blue pills. Just close your eyes and think of those lyrics. Most invigorating indeed.

  23. One day at a time, Lena Martell….Faith ain’t gonna cut it cunt.
    Tears, Ken Dodd….. Tax evading dead cunt.
    Puppy Love, Donny Osmond….. Mormon cunt
    No Charge, JJ Barrie…..One hit wonder cunt.
    Lucille, Kenny Rogers…Mostly song about cheating women cunt.
    There’s No one Quite Like Grandma, St Winifred’s…Now 50 year plus old cunts.

  24. McCartney’s Michelle which ruined an otherwise good album.
    Imagine. Hippy, dippy, bullshit.
    Everything and anything warbled by today’s autotuned talentless twats.

  26. Drive-The Cars

    Band Aid-all versions

    Dancing in the street- Bowie & Shagger

    Ebony & Ivory

    All “novelty” records (Birdie Song, Agadoo, Star Trekin etc etc)

    All Christmas songs post Bing Crosby.

    Plus many, many more…..

  28. Rap, hip hop, dance, all that fucking rubbish turns my fucking stomach, without exception. I’ve been watching top of the pops repeats on BBC4 for the past ten years, and they are up to 1991 at the moment. There has always been a fast forward moment or two, but by the time you get to 89 and 90, it seems to be most of the programme, as rap and dance music became popular. Acid house shit, music so bad you have go take mind bending drugs just to listen to it drove my blood pressure up back then and still does. Now people listen to it straight, which shows how fucking dumb they are.
    Rap started at ground level and just kept digging, and now its just bragging and threats to a monotonous beat listened to by thugs and mongs.
    Fuck them.

  29. Anything by Culture Club.
    Livin la vida loca …(Ricky Martin)
    Rock the Boat
    Knock Three Times
    Tie a Yellow Ribbon…..

  30. The french national anthem, a more disgusting piece of music cannot be found. Dirty cunts.

    • Have to disagree, cunt man. As national anthems go it’s the best one out there.

      • It’s certainly one of the best MM, but I still have La Marseillaise at the top of my list. Just personal preference.

    • The US national anthem, for one. Just as you (a foreigner) think it’s time to sit down, off it goes again. Sung, it’s even worse.

Comments are closed.