Grrrrrrrrrr…. I’m just back from a short walk, and another pedestrian crossing altercation with an entitled lycra cunt on a bike.Time for another cunting on the subject, I fancy.
In mah day, a bike was an easy, reasonably affordable way for your working stiff to get about. Get yourself a cheap but sturdy set of wheels and some clips for your strides, acquire an understanding of the Highway Code, and off you went.
Sadly nowadays, fewer people seem to use the bike for such basic functions as a trip to the shop or getting to work. Unfortunately, we’ve entered the era of what might be termed the ‘recreational’ cyclist, and boy, they just HAVE to show the rest of us just how dedicated they are to their ‘sport’. So how do they do this?
Well first off, you’ve got to ‘invest’ in at least three or four grands’ worth of kit. Of course, the most essential item is the bike itself, and not just any old bike. No, you need an ultra-lite, carbon frame, 80 gear turbo racing job.
Sneer at anything costing less than a grand, but if you’ve more money than sense, you can part with upwards of 10k for your wheels.
Then you’ll need to demonstrate that you’re not just committed but fashionable with it, so you’ll need an ultra-aerodynamic Klignon contoured helmet, a Spider-man outfit in lurid salmon pink and black (suitably emblazoned with logos) and a pair of toe-crushing plastic shoes in lime green.
If the budget can extend to it, you’ll also definitely want a helmet camera. This will enable you to set up a Youtube channel where you can post films and whine sanctimonously about the trangressions of other road users.
Next, it’s advisable to master some of the basic dark arts theory of cunt cycling before you venture onto the road. There are a number of ways to do this. For example, a cheap but effective method is to subscribe to a magazine such as ‘Lycra Loony’ (incorporating ‘Two Wheeled Cunts’).
You’ll find it packed with great articles and useful tips, such as how to blind other road users with a flashing high-powered light, and the latest insults and hand gestures to hurl at pedestrians. Dvds can also be a very useful aid, providing the necessary travel details and type of background information which will help you bullshit your mates about your participation in the likes of the Mallorca 312.
Next, to show your REAL commitment to the cause, you MUST join your local cycle club. There, you’ll find the fellowship of like-minded saddos that you yearned for during those long hours of solitude in your bedroom at your mom’s house.
Most importantly, you’ll get that vital practical experience of such matters as how to hog the road in a group of twenty, while exchanging chit-chat about high-protein drinks, and measures to avoid getting your arse spattered with mud in wet weather.
So that’s you. Off you go now to enjoy yourself posing about, while driving the rest of us to distraction. Yes, you’re a fully-fledged cycle cunt. Yeah, and the same to you, with fucking knobs on.
Nominated by – Ron Knee