Lame Love Stories

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I´ve posted several noms about my 91-year-old mother-in-law, who loves nothing more than talking about the good old days, and one nom about a nephew who is allegedly a “philosopher”.

Both of them were at dinner tonight and the “philosopher” asked my mother-in-law how she had met her husband, i.e. his grandfather. Her eyes lit up as she launched into the story I´ve heard a million times.

As if this was not torture enough, someone then asked the “philosopher” how he had met his wife, a skinny not unattractive tattoed former vegan. As he likes nothing better than a captive audience and is a flake who believes in astrology rather than genuine academic knowledge, he rambled on for an hour about that magic night. It sounded to me like one of the many drunken nights I´ve had where I met a girl and scored. In his case, she got pregnant.

Despite his attempts to describe how this was the real thing, he is as boring as his grandmother and having to listen to him embellishing what was just a randy encounter irritated me, especially as Mrs. Polly sat there entranced, telling me to stop making sarcastic comments.

As the Everley Brothers said, Love is (definitely) blind.

Nominated by: Mr Polly

109 thoughts on “Lame Love Stories”

  1. Mr Polly – methinks you need to be checking life insurance policies and arranging a tragic “accident”.. 😀👍
    I saw this documentary of some sort with Alec Guinness in it called “The Ladykillers” – packed with useful tips!

  2. Your mother-in-law and nephew both hate you, Mr Polly, this is why they torture you with tales of old 😀

  3. Mr. Polly, the typical ISAC contributor has many admirable qualities but empathy and an ability to feign interest is rarely one of them. At least you were able to get dinner guests, Fiddler has dined alone but for his hounds since the 1980s.

    • No,no….My annual Hunt Ball/Rugby Club dinner is the highlight of the local social calendar…of course,only the cream of Northumbrian high society receives an invitation.

      • Evening,LL.
        I’ve met the three of them and Jimmy Nail is the worst…takes himself very seriously.

      • Evening, Dick.

        Still better than the degenerates who frequent these pages. It wouldn’t be long before we were lighting our farts with your antique candlesticks and B&WC was on the phone to his mate saying he had “acquired” some vintage croquet mallets if IsAC were to cross your threshold.

  4. Next time, sit next to the “not unattractive former vegan” and put her hand on your crotch: she will either:

    -start to massage your pride and joy, necessitating you both to volunteer to do the washing up, whilst leaving the others to enjoy coffee and more “stories”😉

    -scream and slap your face, upon which your 91 year old MIL will have a fatal coronary and your nephew will never darken your doorway again😀

    Either way, it’s a win:win situation for you👍

  5. Actually-if she is a “former” vegan, perhaps Mr Polly turned her back onto “meat”?

    We await his reply 😀👍

  6. Tattoos on a woman are pure vulgarity, unless they’re tasteful, like a dartboard around the lady garden, and the vegan bit would not make me want to be a “captive audience”, but would make me want to pick up a “captive bolt gun”, and be left alone for a while, you have the patience of a saint Mr Polly with cunts like this!

    • A beautifully inked giant blue morpho butterfly, centred on the cornhole. Contemporary art at its finest.

    • Judging by some “happy couples” I’ve met, it has no sense of smell either…

  8. Let them talk about their past romance if it makes them happy, you miserable, heartless cunt.

    We are the last generation that will be able to hear these stories.
    In the future it will be “Tell us about your Tinder profile Granny”

    • The more I hear of your mother inlaw the more I like her mr Polly.
      A kindly old Margaret Rutherford type in my imagination.
      Her only daughter saddled with a dour, miserable, scotsman,
      Whining about independence,
      No wonder she spits in your porridge!
      No wonder she wipes her arse on your pillow.
      But a philosopher?
      Thats almost as bad as a foreigner at the table!
      Id dash his brains out with a half brick.

  9. Years ago I brought a new girlfriend home to meet the family. As soon as I got in the door my dad pulled me to one side and said, “She’s got a white stick, is she blind?”
    I said, “Yes.”
    He said, “So she’s blind, weighs close to twenty stone, is ugly as fuck and has horrible saggy tits, what the fuck are you doing with that?”
    I said, “There’s no need to whisper dad, she’s deaf”….

  10. I feel your pain. Everyones boring though. Didnt you know? Even me. Imagine being a non binary “they”. The most boring people on earth. That would deffo make you want to top your self as the dullest dullness.

    • Non binaries could argue with themselves-the fucking idiots.
      Never a dull moment 😂

  11. ‘Astrology’ you say.
    Well, personally I don’t believe in any of that made up shite. Pure invention, nothing real at all in any of it. It’s bullshit.
    But hey that’s typical Gemini.

    • Astrology is nonsense. I’m also a Gemini and we have split personalities. So maybe there is something in astrology after all.

      • Split personality. No such thing. I don’t believe in that nonsense either.
        Yes you do.
        No I fucking don’t.

  12. Love is Strange surely.

    A boring bastard is a boring bastard whatever the subject.

  13. Nothing is more boring than another’s love story. All love stories are boring but Mrs Cunting Machine loves romantic films. I just fall asleep.

    • I’ve remembered a few stories but on reflection, love had nothing to do with it. I wanted a shag, they wanted a ring on their finger. I got it in here and there but none of them got me to the jewellers. Fuck romance.

  14. I’ve got a tragic love story that Mills and Boon might be interested in. A true story too.

    I once pulled a right tasty blonde at work years back. Cracking size 8 perfect figure in her late 20s (I was mid 20s). She rushed me back to hers, I got her naked and was eating her out on her sofa when she said we should go to her bedroom.

    I had been drinking all night and had a huge fart building up. So big it was hurting holding it in. I thought I’d just pretend to need the bog and let it out slowly to hopefully keep the noise down.

    Well, it felt so huge that I simply could not let it go, as the bog was right next to her bedroom. The walls were paper thin. I just held it in. It would’ve sounded like Satchmo was blowing his trumpet in there. During a nuclear explosion. I was too shy to let it out.

    But it was fucking agony and I couldn’t do the business because of the pain holding it in was causing me. I said I was ill, got a taxi and waited until I got home.

    Finally, as I got in, I sat on the bog to let it out (in case of a follow through as this was going to be huge).

    It was the longest and biggest silent fart I’ve ever done.

    How’s that for a love story, you cunts?

    • Bad luck. Women often fart from their cunts during sex anyway, so you needn’t have worried.

    • A tragic love story. You should have just ripped one, she’d probably toot in sympathy anyway.

    • I’d of stuck my arse out the window and knocked over the neighbours shed then got back to it!
      Splendid 🎩

  15. Your nephew would come in handy in a game of charades.
    Signal Book
    Then grab one bollock.

  16. Sounds like the dinner party from hell, Mr P. At least your 91 y.o outlaw has an excuse for being a boring old cunt. The “philosopher” needs the fucking living shit kicked out of him and as for the ex-vegan you should have made an excuse to leave the room with her and smashed her back doors in. That’ll learn her.

  17. You have more patience than me,Mr.Polly. I detest (dull) people. Unless there’s something I want off them, I don’t bother to feign even mild interest,indeed I’ve been known to interrupt them in mid-flow and say ” I’m afraid I must stop you there…… (long pause)…….you’re boring me.” if they attempt to fire up again ,I fix them with my thousand-yard stare, put a finger to my lips and instead of a gentle “Ssshhh” I bellow ” Take a fucking hint,you boring Cunt and shut yer flap afore I shut it for ye”.

    None of you lot would even be invited to one of my exclusive dinner-parties…never mind last long enough to be told to “Fuck Off”..

    • Can get Fray Bentos at any corner shop anyway.
      As an aside, me and Ethel will be in your neck of the woods, in the near future.
      Just leave the gate open and I’ll park the tin tent up in a dry sunny spot.
      Cheers lad. 😀

      • Yes…yes,they are.

        It’s a shame that you’ll never be invited…it’s a class thing. I do hope you understand.

      • Well im coming.
        I fit in any social soirée.
        Be it the height of polite society or eating tinned pie with a bunch of Geordies.
        Im a social chameleon I am.
        Hey, put a good spread on as well!
        Not just paste butties, but sausage rolls
        An some posh crisps.

      • Yep, bit of trespass and then sunday dinner an a few pints.
        Like the article!
        I think champagne is overrated and Aldi better than Harrods!
        Always suspected I was refined 😁
        Do you know, the talk of Fray Bentos on here makes me realise its years since ive had one, quite fancy one!
        You should get yours free Dick,
        Promoting them on here to this rabble!

  18. Another true love story for you. Cue that Simon Bates theme shite.

    A footy team I played for (amateur nothing special) went away to the lakes for a long weekend (we had a game there and thought we’d make a trip of it). A few took their birds.

    Long story short, one of the lads had a right fit bird. He was wanking himself off for some reason, while his bird was doing the same to herself (takes all sorts) as they faced each other.

    How do I know this? Well, the entire team, more or less, was watching the action through the windows of the large caravan/mobile home thingy.

    Of course, the couple were totally unaware of us watching them. As he jizzed, we all stood up, banged on the walls and went “Waaaayyyyyy!” She was seen driving away minutes later.

    I don’t think we ever saw the poor lass again.

  19. I’ve only ever been to one dinner party and that was in Capetown. The dark key maid came around with shepherds pie slices. I was the only one who ate 4 slices and thought it strange nobody else did.
    I was sat there stuffed with pie when she came around again, this time with the main course.
    I realised what a cunt I looked but who serves shepherds pie as a fucking starter?
    Dinner parties my arse!

      • Come to think of it I think it was.
        I was in Mowbray or someplace with a name like that.
        Apartheid too. Halcyon days.

      • It’s no wonder, Cuntstable, that D F-F doesn’t invite the peasants of this site to his Northumbrian soirées.

      • I’ve just googled that bobotie. Think I’ll have a go at making it. Looks delicious.

    • I am currently writing my memoirs which I am circulating to a select circle and have included this memorable day. Not a dry eye among them after they sampled it. However, I omitted your pastiche much as I admired it. Being big hearted can go only so far.

  21. Any one have Ron Hill in the Deadpool?

    Thought he’d croaked years ago TBH. He would have if he’d seen my old English teacher wearing a pair of his jogging pants at my old school sports day, the long legs and fine arse along with a washboard tummy under a white tight Fred Perry t shirt got a 14 year old all bothered and still does now many moons later.

  22. Nonangenarians, vegans and mystic conception. If I were you I’d escape Wicker Man island!

  23. Love is an erection that’s got out of hand.
    No more soppy shit for me, and I definitely don’t want to be wasting time listening to some old bag and a wet cunt yapping at a dinner table, just to keep a rub happy.

  24. Love is a rare and precious thing.
    Savor it like a tasty cake or pudding.

    I remember growing up, mum and nana would say, ‘Eat your dinner or else no pudding’.
    When pudding came, ‘Eat it with a teaspoon. It will last longer.’ 🙂

      • Evening Spoonington,
        Hope your in good health?
        Spoons, you ever had Angel Delight?
        Not had it in years, going to treat myself this week to a Fray Bentos pie and Angel Delight for pudding!!

      • Angel delight? Angel-fucking-delight!
        Eaten with a silver spoon, little finger in the air, dabbing the corner of your mouth with a knapkin, no doubt!

        What’s wrong with INSTANT WHIP you class traitor☹️
        🤔

    • Spoons- you are a real throwback to an honest Brit.
      You’re a breath of fresh air and your philosophy on life is refreshing.

      • A simpler more gentle time when everyone knew their neighbours and you could leave your door unlocked….hang on…what are you associating with us bunch of miserable bitter cynics?

      • Cheers, Bertie. How are you and your Percy? I hope he’s not swearing again. 🙂

        LL, nowadays if one left the door open, I’d be worried about all sorts. Theft etc.

      • I do have to keep the door locked but only to stop Percy going out on the steal!
        Magpies have got nothing on him!

  25. Just heard that that paramilitary monkey-bitch from BLM uk has been shot in the head.

    Play stupid games……

      • I see the BLM statement is that she was shot because of her ‘activism’.

        Good to see the in house detectives at BLM have solved the case already.

        If it’s a honky, we’ll never hear the fucking end of it. It is hard to have too much sympathy after she said she wants to kill whitey on TV. Not a particularly bright thing to say on live television. Some cunt may have taken it as a literal threat. She basically advocated genocide, while the BBC sat and let her do it.

        If a honky had come on the BBC, after their group was supported and promoted by them and things like the Premier League, and said “We want to kill all the blacks” , I wonder how much sympathy the honky would get if a dark key shot him?

        No, the more i think about this, the less surprised I am. I’m not condoning any cunt shooting race baiting cunts, but if you push people too far somebody, somewhere will strike out against it.

        Still, I’m guessing it will turn out to be a black perp and it’ll probably be over an argument about money/donations (my pull it out of my arse guess). We’ve seen the BLM leaders in the USA buying mansions for themselves in recent weeks remember, maybe it’s going on here too?

        Big story this one. If it’s whitey that did it, we’ll never hear the end of it as I said. My guess is that they’ll somehow blame the honky man anyway, even if a black did the deadly deed.

        Still, not nice. Mother of two shot in the head there.

      • Although the BBC are being careful over their reporting, seeing as they allowed her to say her group wanted to ‘kill whitey’ unchallenged on live television.

        If a nutter targeted her after that, the BBC would be partly to blame in my opinion.

        Still, interesting how the BBC are reporting this. Seems something possibly to do with a party going on in the street. The rozzers are also not backing up Blm’s claims of the shooting being due to her activism. Could be an inside job I reckon or just a row that got out of hand (which would not be a shock in that part of the world).

        From the BBC

        “Police said at this stage there was no evidence to suggest it was a targeted shooting or that she had received any credible threats against her prior to the incident.

        Detectives from the Met’s Specialist Crime Command have been conducting enquiries at the scene in Consort Road and the surrounding area, and are pursuing a number of lines.

        It is believed that the shooting occurred near a house where a party was taking place and that a number of people may have been in the area, a Met police statement said.”

        https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-57223755

    • There’ll be Hell to pay if it was a Whitey but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was one of her “bruvvas”.

      • I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d shot herself, as a publicly stunt. Probably got one of her brethren to white up and don a police uniform, who will have been filmed by a ‘ passer by ‘ running from the crime scene, gun in hand.
        Fake news.
        Get To Fuck.

      • The story has only just gone live on the BBC website and even then not as a headline story. To me, that suggests Auntie also suspects it was one of her own mob that did the deed and, as such, is not as newsworthy because it doesn’t fit their narrative that BLM are all upstanding, law abiding citizens that they’d have us believe.
        Not surprised either to see an awful lot of the Mail comments wishing her well being down voted.

      • Not even on the main page now. Do they know a black person did it or something lol?

        That’ll piss on their ‘blame the honky’ chips.

        Imagine if they arrested a honky for it? I bet you wouldn’t have difficulty finding the story on their website then.

      • Could it be that polite tanned guy who was interviewing her, the one she kept threatening to “fuck up”, simply because he asked her why she was so aggressive. The one she kept calling a “cooooon”!

      • She is a nasty piece of shit-good riddance😀👍

        Perhaps she will go to blek heaven, aka Wakonda😂

    • CG@ – Just saw that story myself – I have a vision of every cop in the UK desperately looking for a “white supremacist” to pin this on.

      • Be careful, because owning the original DVD set of Fawlty Towers probably classes you as a white supremacist nowadays.

      • And it’s interesting to read things like ‘a statement from her political party’.

        I thought all this BLM shite was ‘not political’ and a ‘humanitarian’ issue, as the BBC, Sky and the Premier League kept telling us?

      • Perhaps a simian food delivery boy from the local fried chiggun shop, who didn’t get the right tip?😁

  26. What does that mean, CG? 🙂

    MNC, I’ve not had angel delight in ages. Red sky at night: Angel Delight.
    Red sky in the morning: Angel Delight for breakfast! 😀
    Put some cadbury buttons in top! 🙂

    • Instant whip? What’s that?

      Make some jelly or trifle then put some whipped up Dream Topping on top then chill it in the fridge.
      🙂

      p.s I was replying to MNC and CG earliee but my reply ended up at the bottom for some reason.

    • If its angel delight its got to be butterscotch flavour yum yum after 50 years still love it.

      • NCC, with butterscotch flavour, I recommend either tiny pieces of fudge on top, or carefully broken pieces of those butter candies hardboiled sweets. 🙂

    • Spoons: the cake analogy?

      I would elaborate but fear Sister Dolly might box my ears, for leading you astray🤔

      Suffice to say, cakes come with many fillings-cream is nice, avoid red jam😉

      B&W Cunt likes to dip his tongue in chocolate-the filthy swine😳

      • CG! Be careful she doesn’t make you sit on the naughty step.

        So-called for the erotic carvings on the wooden banister. 😀

  27. Apologies for going off nom but race baiting BLM scumbag Sasha Johnson has been shot in the head and critically injured in London.
    I presume she will not require the assistance of any white medical staff of course..

    • I would like to read ‘MET following victim’s wishes and defunding themselves from any investigation into the crime.’

  29. The fucking irony though, if the race baiting, whitey hating BLM mouthpiece in blighty was murdered by one of her own.

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