Yes, this is another tedious IT Nomination, but one that really frustrates the hell out of me.
As you may know, I work in IT (self-employed), and over the last 24 months I’ve been rushed off my feet with new customers asking for help building their home-office IT setup. And even though I spend hours doing precisely this, along with providing them with e-guides & PDF docs on what you should and shouldn’t do, time and again I see the same people coming back to me a few days or weeks down the line to say that:-
- my hard drive has failed and I’ve lost everything. What should I do?
- I have a virus, and I’ve lost everything. What should I do?
- I dropped my laptop, and its beyond repair. What should I do?
- I think my login has been hacked, and now I can’t access my machine. What should I do?
Well, if you’d read my detailed FAQs in my Help Guide right from the off, you would know exactly what to do. Here’s just a few for starters….
- Always install an antivirus/antimalware application, and keep them updated (free ones are just as good as paid)
- Always use Two-Factor-Authentication (2FA) for important accounts/apps (especially on routers). Or at the very least a complex password/passphrase (with hint)
- Always install the latest Windows x, Apple iOS, Android & Linux updates when they become available (Although with Windows 10, best put them on pause for 7 days given how shite they are at fixing things)
- Never switch off local firewalls, especially when using your machine/tablet in a public Wi-Fi hotspot, or for device tethering.
- Always activate syncing between trusted devices so that if your primary device becomes unavailable your synced data should be available on your secondary one.
- Never enable Remote Desktop Protocol by default
- Never have too many Administrator Accounts on one device
- Always user a password manager with online/offline access (LastPass, NordPass, BitWarden, Keepass, ZohoVault – are all free apps)
- Always activate & encrypt backups, either locally to an external drive/flash drive, or to the Cloud (Google Drive, offers 15Gb for free, which is a good starting point)
All of the recommendations listed above I put into practice when I set their computers up in the first place. All they have to do is maintain each one by simply following the e-guide instructions.
Why people choose not to take on board such important advice is beyond me. They seem to think “Oh it will never happen to me, so I don’t need to bother with extra login authentication or backups. Far too nerdy, and I don’t have time anyway blah blah blah”
But when it does happen to them they’re almost on the verge of crying over the phone with their “I’ve lost everything” bollocks.
Personally, I don’t mind because its more cash for me (Just under £6k in Jan from domestic customers alone, £3k for Feb, and £3.5k for March so far). But it really isn’t rocket science to set these things up and maintain them, if only people would allocate some time and do it!
Nominated by: Technocunt
That woman in the pic has given me the horn, I bet she takes baby making batter up her arse, afterwards throw her to the spooks.
9
Have you tried turning her on and off again?
Sorry I couldn’t resist.
2
As soon as I saw the title of this nom I knew it was Technocunt.
The girl in the pic is what all help center girls look like right?
Yes. I’m going with yes.
And shirt buttons about to pop.
3
Always nice when their tits are so huge the fabric between the 3rd and 4th button loops out and you can spy the mallowy tit flesh and bra.
4
Are you an Indian?
10
You should add a clause to your contracts that entitles you to their bank account and PIN in the event of them being a fucking retard.
Important passwords I keep offline, using a password card to generate characters manually. Even if some cunt finds the card it would still be absolutely useless to them without a supercomputer and several lifetimes.
3
Techno, in under a hour youd of gone for my throat.
Im a technology retard.
It just doesn’t interest me and even though I’ll listen my mind refuses to absorb the information.
I hate technology.
And it hates me back.
Im ok with this feud as upto now ive killed quite a few mobile phones, and other devices.
My phone has something called ‘Google assist’ on it,
Like a robotic down syndrome kid that spanners things up.
I cant turn it off.
Its days are numbered.
And its end will be a quick flash of temper and exploding parts against a wall.
All my phone’s die in this manner.
Im a Luddite by nature not by choice.
14
Get yourself a cheapo £10 phone Miserable, although obviously it has no internet connection so you will not be able to post on IsAC from all the exotic locations that your removal work takes you.
3
Naw, I do my business bookwork as I go LL,
So I need internet access.
Also I enjoy it when I get to smash its fuckin brains all over the pavement.
Its stress relief and in honour of Stevie Lawrence RIP
😁
7
All my vital secret stuff like passwords etc I record in a text file that I keep stored offline.
That and being a right cunt and racist means I’m quite safe.
No Nigerian scams for me.
Gas the rats.
48
So far this year, I’ve had e-mails offering me :-
An amazon £100 voucher 3 times
An amazon £500 gift card due to my loyalty
An income tax refund for £687,14
An income tax refund for £814.61
An income tax refund for £566.32
An income tax refund for £935.73
A £300 voucher for Asda
A £1000 shopping coupon for Tesco
A $48million dollar inheritance (that I must respond to immedeatly or it will go to less worthy family)
Russian brides (3 times)
I have been threatened will legal action, fines & costs for :-
Cancelling my Direct Debit for my Car Insurance (4 times)
My bank not paying Direct Debit for my tv licence (7 times)
Not paying a speeding fine (twice)
In all cases, the appropriate letterhead / logos were included, and all I had to fo was ‘click on the link below’, enter my bank a/c or card details (oh & ignore the fact that the originators e-mail address had fuck all to do with who they pretended to be ; Fx4ZuP&7@nigeria.com or v/8iz?Q\j$b2@botswana.au )
As my mother never raised me to be a gullible twat, I dutifully mark them as ‘phishing’ , report, quarantine, and move on.
Become tech savy or go & live with the Umpa Lumpas, wearing just a cock-ring and a smile, & carrying a spear.
41
Ke
2
4gb flange coupling interface matrix.
Wibble….
4
I once spent almost an hour on the phone to a fucking useless twat employed (or subcontracted) by AOL somewhere in India.
Knew it would be a complete waste of time before I made the call but my was insistent. Anything for a let over.
Think it’s fair to say both my wife and I are both pretty useless when it comes to computers and technical jargon, not only did we not understand what he asked us to do, to make matters worse neither of us could really understand what he was saying as English was not his strong point.
If this wasn’t bad enough, to further complicate matters the chosen alphabet on my wife’s computer was set to Japanese characters and because of this I was unable to follow any instructions that he gave me on the odd occasion I could understand what the was telling me. My wife also did could not decipher the garbled messages I was trying to give her as her English at the time was not at the level it is today.
My definition of hell on Earth. Cannot remember it we were ever able to get it sorted out.
7
“…but my was insistent. Anything for a let over.”
Que?
Evening Willie.
2
Evening Ruff Tuff
Well spotted, should more correctly read leg over.
Fucking keyboard. I hate the ducking things.
3
Many people will alarm their house, use a safe and insure to protect their personal valuables.
But if some Indian twat comes on the phone claiming to be from Amazon or BT, saying they need you to download some software, they’ll do it in a heartbeat. Next minute all their passwords and bank details are hacked.
People disconnect their brains where computers are concerned.
4
This page isn’t opening.
3
The space bar on my computer keyboard doesn’t work properly any more- in a fit of frustration and absolute rage at the slow speed it took my computer to do the simplest of tasks I smashed the fucking thing as hard as I could on the desk.
6
Pen and paper, piece of piss.
2
Not when you suffer from essential tremor. Then again, nor is using a mouse.
2
I’d never thought about that RTC.
2
Fortunately it doesn’t effect winky-wanky-wooing. 😊
3
Computers are cunts. My back up laptop freezes sometimes. Yesterday, it froze up for ages and wouldn’t even let me CRTL ALT DEL to try and switch it off.
Of course, I did the right thing, and punched the touchpad area so hard I left a big dint in the cunt.
It switched off immediately (funny how it suddenly did what I wanted when I twatted it. Coincidence? YOU be the judge of that!)
It works no worse than it did and hasn’t frozen at all today.
I bet that’s not in any fucking manuals. Bill Gates won’t release all his secrets, you know.
My advice?
If it’s not working, smash the shit out of it.
5
My Ctrl-P packed in at the beginning of the week and my maid has had to change the sheets every night.
6
Have you tried switching it off and on again?
5
Yes, it froze so I couldn’t even access the cursor (‘not responding’ screens). I could’ve done a ‘hard reset’, but my frustrations got the better of me.
Was it worth it?
I feel ten years younger and my hair is growing back.
Don’t let the glorified calculator cunts get away with it. A good slap does ’em good.
3
I’m the original numpty on a computor, I didn’t understand a quarter of the terms used in the nom. But I get by, mostly.
3
I’d do all of those things if I knew how to. It’s just fucking word soup to me.
8
Frankly, I’m not great with computers. I wonder what classes I did at school that have now been displaced by computer ones. It can’t be as bad as a peremptory RE nutter expecting you to memorise his book of magic stories or the sadist in Engineering Drawing going apoplectic if your lines weren’t straight. What a carry on.
5
Sorry Techno you have lost me, I think my hard drive is fucked, I don’t use antiviral, surf porn and ISAC all day long, what should I do?
I have tried turning it off and on again, hit it with a hammer and now I have a blue screen and constant high pitch squeel coming from my 25 year old laptop, I know nothing about computers, maybe if you give me a ring you can talk to it, as its saying fuck off your password that is password is wrong.
I’m sure it will only take 5 minutes foryou to fix…..
6
At school we thought computers WTF, that will never catch on, I’m going to chase skirt instead and you know what I didn’t and still don’t regret my decision….
6
Same.
When I was 15 they brought the first computers into schools.
From the off I ignored them for the delights of Bowie albums which id just discovered,
Trying to get wanked off
(By the girls in 5thyear not the only to willing creepy RE teacher)
And going the pub which id also discovered.
A lad in my class (a visionary?)
Fell head over heels for the computers and spent his dinner hour faffing on them.
We just considered him a spacca.
You’ll be glad to hear after 20yrs with my missus I finally got wanked off.
What?!!
You have to earn it lads.
5
spacca fuck me i havnt heard that in years MNC
1
For the life of me, I can’t understand why so many people are still using computers.
If you don’t have a business, why are you not using a tablet where problems are more easily solved, your basic needs are met and is basically more secure regarding viruses and identity?
5
Bertie,
I caught a cold sore of a tablet.
Dont believe this anti viral shite.
Theyre riddled with germs.
2
Is Percy tech savvy Bertie, on Grindr hooking up with a cockatoo?
3
Evening Mis and Libs. Percy has his own tablet. Spends all his time on Pornhub or Cornhub.
3
Just received a fake Hermes delivery text that takes you to a convincing website. I had great fun in entering my name as Juan Kmiov and my address as 2 Cockswell Inn Tillet Herts.
Fake card number, fake account and sort code and pressed the button. Finally texted the scammer called him a giant cunt and then blocked the number.
7
I got an email from Natasha Fuckalot.
saying she’s dying to suck my 8 inch cock.
I’m really getting fed up now with Google sharing my personal information.
5
Fuck it… i’m going to get rid of my iphone and dig out that Nokia 3210 .
Things were so much simpler years ago
4
Stick to pen and parchment wherever possible.
Computers are a menace.
Just looks like a load of boxes and lines on a screen. What the fuck does it all mean?
Technology for technology’s sake.
And why do all IT blokes look like Elvis Costello?
7
Neil from the Young Ones labelled it Techno-fear, and that’ what I call it to this day.
‘Brother, mother has techno-fear over the printer. Can you sort it out?’
3
Oh wow! Oh heavy! Fascists in the machine man!
Vegetable rights & Peace😍
7
Vyvyan Basterd was ace.
6
Very Metal 😂
6
My pc is a cunt. The fucking updates are a bigger cunt. As are the important shite messages telling me that there is a problem with my microsoft something or fucking other.
No there’s not. You are the problem.
2
I have to be honest Techno, I zoned out after the first paragraph because I am useless like that. However I do get what you say, so frustrating when people expect you to fix it when they can’t do the basics themselves. If you think you can have a computer and do nothing whatsoever, more fool you. My rubbish bin is full of computers 🙂
2
I mean my actual bin, not the bin on microsoft
1
I must admit I’ll be giving up this IT malarkey in another 2 or 3 years, especially at corporate level, and just stick to local punters.
Just need to keep the money rolling in during that time because I reckon a massive recession is just round the corner, and a lot of shit is going to hit the fan!
Funny thing is, even though I know IT, I’m a complete fucking duffus when it comes to most other things -like cooking a Sunday Roast. I haven’t got a Scooby Doo about getting everything ready at the same time!
2
Sunday dinner is easy, Techno. Go to the Co-op, spend £3 on a roast chicken dinner with all the trimmings, chuck it in the oven for 30 minutes.
Job done. Lovely Jubbly!
3
It reminds me of this…
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=elWRRYrWtLw
1