The Female Neckbeard

A belated International Wimminz Day nom for the ‘Legbeard’, AKA the female neckbeard.

Qualifying criteria include hirsute pits and crotch, dyed hair, possibly in dreadlocks, nose studs, a fondness for ‘alternative’ lifestyles’, henna, new folk, consumer feminism, Doctor Who and Harry Potter and board games. Probably calls herself a ‘Wiccan’, thinks Christianity is evil but quiet on Islam, all men are potential rapists and the patriarchy is keeping her down (rather than her not washing herself and being late). Throws tantrums over anything and everything on Facebook. Doesn’t enjoy being corrected despite telling others to ‘educate yourself’. Usually contradicts her own argument within two posts.

Her head is usually quite manly (see Miranda Hart) or simply a glob of lard plopped onto a larger glob with no discernable neck. All of her friends are male and sport bum-fluff facial hair and unnervingly prominent breasts, despite not being obese.

She is a ‘girl gamer/geek’ or some childish shite, thinking it will endear her to men, but secretly finds the flabby man-children who gravitate towards her sexually repulsive, as well as being on a lower income than her and not being able to drive. She works in as an ‘administrator’ somewhere, usually public sector or NGO and provincial.

She’s usually fucking fat: barely over five feet and at least fourteen stone. Sometimes vegan, but the butter pastry and batter mix keeps calling. She’s against fat-shaming and proclaims her body shape as ‘real’, while crying about it because her doctor told her she was at risk of type 2 diabetes.

She’s also terrified of any man who drives a van or uses tool and speaks a glottal or alveolar stop. She doesn’t know how to speak to non-white people and is petrified of being called racist.

Nominated by: Cuntamus Prime

84 thoughts on “The Female Neckbeard

  1. She’s a living personification of the COVID virus.
    Takes your breath away and spreads in every direction.

  2. Really? Is that female? Fuck me, like my brother says, when we were kids we needed to go to a circus to see a tattooed woman or one with a beard. Now a stroll down the shops is all you need. Does anyone think she will be shagged at some point, by a bloke?

  3. This is one of my stream-of-semi-consciousness, late-night cuntings.

    I should’ve proofread it.

    Thanks to admin for distracting fellow cunters with that splendid photo.

  4. I dare say there are men out there who would actually fuck it.

    Even if it was the last of its kind on Earth, I’m not one of them.


  5. Actually “she” might have a use as a deterrent for men to stay indoors after 6pm, as per the recommendation by that old crone Baroness Jenny Jones!

  6. Just look at the state of it. What purpose can it possibly serve? It is probably a protestor type that protests for protest sake. Useless, awful and not pleasing at all on the eye.

  7. Hey admin I got whiplash from looking away so fast. I need to send you the invoice from my chiropractor.

  8. I’ve seen acquaintances get married to things like this (sans beard, thank god). It’s like the stupid fear of dying alone is so overwhelming they think this is the best option. I have been told I’m too picky. I feel I have dodged a bullet. I feel more comfortable with the sex industry, this post merely confirms it.

      • It’s all going that way. I would still like good female company but I am not going to lower my standards because society tells me to. I’m guessing you’ve seen guys in a similar situation to what I have mentioned?

    • Daz’s missus was rough as fuck. Basically a deformed hobbit. Dad’s missus was rough as fuck. Basically Chris Evans with angry tits and a migraine. …I think it’s no coincidence my richer friends got fitter birds. You’d better earn a few bob, or else be Oscar fucking Wilde, if you want to do any better than your own right hand.

  9. My balls retreated all the way up into my kidneys. That’s put me off my wanking for a week. And I’d fuck any normal shemale! (Don’t judge. Any hole’s a goal, lad.)

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