These pieces of cunt are everywhere and in most cunts pockets…beeping away, feeding information to whoever Google and Apple want to sell it to and generally making their owners think they are important and actually need the piece of cunt phone.
The world was fine and things got done before these evil cunt machines came to be the norm and nowadays the things will try and take your life over unless you tell it not to.
Google used to be for email and browsing porn, nowadays you have to have a Google account to enable the phone to work properly.
Factor in the fact these phones enable the selfie and mobile twatter, cuntbook and instacunt bellends to bother the world with their uninteresting shite makes these things the devil.
Ban all smartphones and make every cunt have one of those dial up home phones.
Excuse any spelling mistakes…this was written on my Sony Xperia smartphone that remembers all the wrong spellings.
Go fuck yourselves.
Nominated by: Black and White Cunt
I haven’t got a smartphone or an iphone…I just have a very basic mobile phone because I get such a shit signal at home. It’s a shame that the Govt. didn’t make sure that the whole Country had decent reception before they decided to make mobile phones into de facto identity cards.
I don’t understand what these people talk about all the time…what secret life does some fat Tusker have that she can’t even turn it off as she orders the Greggs Sausage Rolls for her and her kids’ breakfasts? Why does some dole-dosser need a device which is,in effect,a mini-computer as he sits drinking his cans of Special Brew in the park?
At work I insist that people leave their phones in the vehicles…we stop every couple of hours or so for a cup of tea so they can look at them then. I started this after nearly killing some stupid lad who had wandered into the drop-zone and decided to stand tapping away at his phone as I was putting the back-cut into a large beech tree..if I hadn’t glanced up for a final check just before the tree reached the tipping point,I’d have killed him….it would have served the idiot right, but I bet the paperwork would have been a right Cunt.
25
Phones have their good points and bad points, like most things. Handy to have on a job, but not advisable to use while working.
A chap near me is a plant fitter, he was out on a job when someone lifted his Milwauke impact gun. Now this thing was linked by Bluetooth, to his phone. He jumped in the van and tracked it down, two likely lads were walking down a street with it, in a bag.
Unfortunately for them, this chap is a ruffian. He gave them both a good twatting and recovered his property.
A tale with a happy ending.
I believe there’s some nasty weather heading your way. Take care.
Morning, Dick.
Morning all.
Morning, Dick.
14
My phone is obviously a cunt. Repeating itself like a demented pensioner.
Get To Fuck.
11
I quite hope it does snow. I enjoy watching the incomers in their 4x4s get stuck…most of them have no idea how to drive the fucking things…. although icy mornings are the best for spotting one parked up on a stone wall.
Morning,Jack
Morning,All
15
I fucking hate ice, more than snow. Our glorious Labour council have yet to make the connection between the large yellow vehicles, parked in their depots and the clearing of this pesky stuff, from the local roads.
Cunts.
12
‘drop zone’, ‘tipping point’. I think you’ve been watching too many afternoon television game shows Mr Fiddler.
10
Daren’t put the telly on in the afternoon,Miles…once had the misfortune of seeing that revolting Warwick Davies thing gurning back at me…I quickly flicked channels only to be greeted by that smug Wanker,Alexander Armstrong and his sidekick who looks like a sex-pest.
Not willing to take the risk again.
23
I like your musings Fiddler.
Long time by stander myself on this site. I question how anybody can walk into the drop zone whilst felling. SOP over here is 20m or twice the height. No exceptions and its roped off with signage. Any crew are obviously onboard with the plan and sign off on a toolbox meeting. Yep it’s all a bit wank compared to 30 years ago but not many folk get injured these days. So I have to give HSE and paperwork on this case a big thumbs up
4
Afternoon,Cc.
Exclusion zone is twice the tree length here too..but we don’t rope it off. It was a private job through an old established wood where I was felling,couple of lads behind me limbing up and chipping. You’re right,he shouldn’t have been there but I was dropping 4 or five at a time before falling back to help…they were just getting felled into wherever there was a hole that wasn’t going to damage any of the “staying” trees…not all going the same way. Combination of him wandering back to the cans and me aiming the fuckers in unlikely directions,I suppose.
3
You’re right about it being brutal years ago…when I started anybody could just buy a saw and get a start softwood felling….fuckers turning up without as much as a hard-hat who didn’t even know how to sharpen a saw. Remember one who’d walked back down his rack to get his breaking bar and got hit by the tree that had sat back on him…wind pushed it over for him…and onto him. .he wasn’t badly hurt,I should add.
I agree,it is much safer now but by the very nature of the job,it’ll always be risky….never know for sure just what tensions/horrors are in a tree until you cut into it…but one of my closest was when the lad on the tractor pulled too hard and barber-chaired the fucker…all happened so fucking quick…. missed me on the way up but luckily didn’t shear off…left with it’s butt 15 feet up in the air still attached and me wondering just what the fuck had just happened. LOL
4
Good nom
“…,I’d have killed him….it would have served the idiot right, but I bet the paperwork would have been a right Cunt.”
Not these days Dick, you can get an app for that; got a dead cunt cluttering the place up and starting to stink? You just punch a few buttons, scan a Q code, upload a photo of the stiff and they’ll be on the way and have the cunt scraped up, bagged and tagged within the hour. ain’t technology wunnerful.
No it fucking isn’t actually – bought a pair of ‘Wiley Fox’ phones for me and one of my lads two Crimbos ago his crapped out 3 weeks ago and a week later mine did exactly the same and with exactly the SAME fault. Do they program in a default life span. Nah they wouldn’t do that.
Fuck it, the bastard thing was too smart for it’s own fucking good, constantly pocket dialling the coppers, chock full of OEM fucking data mining Twatter and Fuckbook apps you can’t fucking disable or uninstall.
Best one I ever had was my old Eriksonn ‘Shark fin’. Rubber coated and waterproof to IP65, made calls, took texts and you could key in your own ringtone as individual notes (given some rudimentary knowledge of stave notation) and that was about it; perfect for on site, chucked it in the toolbox, dropped it off scaffold towers, it ended up getting dropped into the pisser at least twice and you could just fish it out, rinse it in a puddle and it would soldier on, five years I had the cunt, fuckin’ indestructible, or so I thought until my eldest got hold of it when he was teething – chewed off all the buttons and the rubber coating, destroyed it in 15 minutes flat!
1
I must say I like my old smart phone.
I enjoy it spying on my horrendous activities.
I also can’t wait for it to become the de facto Covid passport.
Then I can have my wallpaper set as a fake porn of Diane Abbott bollock naked giving a tit wank.
That will learn the cunts in Sainsburys and the airport.
Look at my screen Karen!
Thank fuck it’s Friday🍺
10
Tez, you do know you can get an app that lets you remotely monitor and control domestic appliances don’t you such central heating, fridges, talkie-toasters… ovens… free download too
1
People think these things are innocent devices and the happily beam pictures of their children and personal details to some server in China.
Look up big data people and be worried.
Saying that, our government is doing a pretty good good controlling the public without using stolen data.
I genuinely have nothing worth knowing or stealing so I honestly have no issues with smartphones.
10
Nor me. I couldn’t care less what details people know about me. Targeted advertising in particular is wasted on me as even if I didn’t ignore adverts, I either don’t need/want or couldn’t afford what they are selling. Here are my bank details, there’s never anything in there and, even though I have a good credit score, there’s no chance you’ll get a loan or anything else as I’m long term unemployed.
2
Like much of today’s technology – does it really improve the quality of your life? I suspect not. Give me a time machine to return to the 70s.
Smartphones have helped the downfall of society. Ngwgwd in Somalia can easily see from his smartphone just what a great life awaits him in sunny Bethnal Green. I suspect many of them are on the .GOV website now filling in their forms for their UK based brethren.
14
For years I had a sturdy-as-fuck flip top mobile….the steam powered thing couldn’t connect to the interweb, even if I’d wanted it to and no fucking camera
I only ended up with a smart phone when my old phone finally died and none of the stores sold flip tops anymore. Even with this thing, other than calls, texts, and the occasional visit to this site, I hardly use it. 90% of the functions I can’t be arsed with.
A complete waste of money really, a bit like owning a Swiss army knife and only using the knife and fork accessories.
Good nom B&W 👍.
Evening all.
13
Sorry KC…..The Swiss Army Knife is just fuckin brilliant….tiny screwdriver for the hinges on eye glasses….tiny scissors….little tough as fuck file…corkscrew…bottle/can opener….even a mini magnifying glass ete etc….an instrument of wonder.
9
Evening Grumpy.
You misunderstood my meaning, I think. I was saying that, like a Swiss Army knife (which, apart from that hoof stone removal thing, are ace), this over complicated pile of crap phone has myriad functions, but of those I use only 3 or 4.
If SA knives ever allow people to make phone calls, I’d swap this piece of shit for one tomorrow.
8
Grumpy@
The swiss army knife isnt as good a multi tool as a ‘leatherman’.
They’re the dogs goolies!👍
16
I had a brilliant leather leatherman in a really nice leather case-a present from a loved one.
Some cunt stole it ☹️
4
Gerber fan boy m’self. (Multi-plier 600)
0
Smart is misleading.
Mine has epilepsy.
And its doomed to a short and miserable life.
The snooping little fucker is undoubtedly going to go the way of its predecessors and explode into bits against a wall when it’s pushed its luck to far.
I go through a lot of phones,
None have been smart enough to reach the age of 3yrs old.
Morning all.
12
I managed to (quite accidentally) run one phone over with a motorbike.
Long story…😯
4
I eventually succumbed to having a basic Nokia phone (£20 including £10 credits) a couple of years ago because several of the financial institutions I bank with insist I have one for security reasons to access their services online.
According to Vodafone I have to use my phone once every 6 months, otherwise they will cut me off and I’ll have to apply to be reconnected (cunts) so I phone my landline every 6 months.
Apart from that, the only time I touch the thing is when it needs recharging.
Naturally Lady C has an Apple iPhone, incredible waste of money as she hardly ever uses it, only bought it so she could take snaps when she went on some “luxury” cruise or other with her sister a few years ago. Being her, she always has to have whatever the hype says is the best. Like me she only uses it when absolutely necessary.
Good morning.
7
Morning Ruff,
I remember you saying youd been forced to get one.
They can be handy in a emergency,
Say for instance you fell off the ladders in someones garden where you wasnt peeping at the daughter getting undressed,
You can phone yourself ambulance,
Possibly your lawyer.
7
All very fine and dandy Miserable, except the phone never leaves the desk upon which my Mac* resides.
* That’s a computer, not the dirty mac you go flashing in.
6
Technology is wasted on you really.
I have a bad relationship with technology.
Its a mutual divorce, both to blame really,
I got off around the age of steam, anything after that seems like Star wars territory to me☹️
4
Progress peaked with the Kawasaki Z900 and the MK3 Cortina for me…
6
I bought a cheap LG smartphone (£100, I think) over 3 years ago when I was given a blood glucose monitor which connected to an app. It only did so for 3 months then nothing I tried would get the little bastard to connect but I kept the phone anyway. I put £10 credit on a year ago and still have over £4 left. I carry it for emergencies and to date I haven’t made a single call on it, although I reckon I send at least 1 text every month. Prolific user, me. The only thing I do on this phone that I couldn’t do on the succession of cheap, basic mobiles I’ve had since 1995 is block nuisance numbers. But, but, but……you can watch YouTube videos on it. Or I can do that on the 50″ 4k TV I have at home.
4
I’ve got one from the Huawei spy agency , (hangs head in shame) but it’s 2 years old now and I’m considering buying just a basic text and call 2g model. I’ve got a laptop and notebook at home, if absolutely necessary I could take the notebook with me for working away, otherwise I’d wait until I returned home of an evening and sort it out from there.
It’s a cult of sorts, I expect there’s a lot of lampposts and road signs with blood on them from retards texting and walking.
Great nom picture Admin, sums it up in one.
Lovely morning out there, I think I’ll have a coffee then go for a stroll.
PS: Mike, if you got that quote via your own Twatty account why not screen shot it then post one or both of your revised suggestions along with it. I doubt it’ll make any difference but should see a rise in blood pressure from the Cuntherds.
Who needs Jack Drossey anyway?
5
I resisted upgrading to a smartarse-phone for ages but now I use the cunting thing for everything that my laptop used to do.
When something sells on eBay it makes a wonderful “kerching” sound that imparts a warm feeling of affluence 😁
On the darker side, the little bastard listens in to conversations. Was talking with the missus about one day treating ourselves to an old Triumph Spitfire or Vitesse sports car (before the eco Nazis have them all crushed along with our motorcycles) and when I was browsing on the internet later, what should appear but suggestions for the Triumph club and various spares suppliers.
It’s also happened before with other subjects and conversations.
Little Brother is listening to you…
6
BB@
Bang on.
I thought it was coincidence at first, or my over active imagination!
The little fuckers eavesdrop then try selling you shite!
The cheeky bastards’.
6
I make a point of regularly saying certain phrases into it to tempt fate and wind up the eavsdroppers…
“Trump 2024”
“Lawrence Fox for prime minister”
“Klaus Schwab is a cunt”
“Nuclear strike on Davos”
That sort of thing.
They’ll come for me one day…😁
12
Haha well done Baron.
I also take this approach.
The cunts.
5
Great nom B&W👍
Although with your sprawling network of filthy bitches, surely a smartphone with a large memory capacity, must be an essential 😉
I had a mobile phone back in 1990-I didn’t know anyone else who had one-at least not in my circle. It was purely a business tool. Phone calls, nothing else.
Fast forward 30 plus years, I make phone calls and check the weather, football and IsAC.
I could quite happily unplug myself from the fucking Matrix👍
I know quite a few oldies who have been given mobiles, usually from their children, “in case of emergencies”-usually forgotten in back of a drawer👍
I’m with Ruff-“I am not a number-I am a FREE man!”👍
6
Morning cunters. Pissing with rain down south.
Completely agree with this cunting.
I have a very old Nokia – makes phone calls. Plus the odd text message, although I haven’t quite got the hang of them.
Mrs Grumpy has a Smartphone – she’s on Facefuck, twatter and all the rest. Occasionally she has an issue – Sorry darling, can’t help – why don’t you RTFM (read the effing manual)? Howls of anguish – “I don’t read manuals” Daft cow.
At least it’s difficult for GCHQ to track me, let alone Google, Apple and all the rest. Doesn’t stop the Indians calling me at all hours trying to scam an old man, though.
How the hell people run businesses on the things beats me. Clients continually get into trouble because they don’t read the very small print – in fact they don’t read anything. Cunts.
Smartphones take over peoples’ lives – they’re for cunts
4
I get the bank of Cunt & drink driver on to me how much easier it would be to use mobile banking. My reply a la B&WC go fuck yourselves.
My mate sends me excellent racist, sexist & homophobic jests on it.
I could go back to a life without mobile phones.
2
I lost one after I left it on the roof of my car. It was a fortnight before I noticed it was missing. It’s simply not a priority with me.
0
I won’t be going near anything ‘Smart’ any time soon. Turns out that ‘Smart Meters’ are just spies to monitor what you’re doing and when, as per that Sky report last night on how people are getting up later during COVID based on leccy and gas data.
They can do a water one if they like though, they’ll notice I have four regularly-timed one-flush dumps a day, so I’ll be deemed a ‘good’ citizen for the credit score as I can evidence my healthy diet.
0