Are you an unsuccessful brewery party organiser? Do you have no social skills or desirable qualities? Have you got all the compassion of a haemorrhoid? Then you’d probably make a great GP’s receptionist.
I’ve got the pleasure of having a pretty nasty bout of Crohn’s disease, which is a pain in the arse, literally. Not as much of a pain in the arse, though, as dealing with these fuckers.
Getting a doctor’s appointment round my manor is like getting an audience with the Pope. You ring up at 8:29 and some cunt, invariably called Pam or Marjorie, tells you to phone back at 8:30 because the surgery isn’t open. You ring back at 8:31 and said cunt can barely hide the relish in her voice when she says there’s nothing left and you have to ring tomorrow at 8:30 sharp. This is even fucking worse now that, with the magic excuse of Covid, GPs will only deign to speak to you when the Moon is in its seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars.
This morning I rang up after a bloody painful night up Chateau Khazi and the wag on the other end, who sounded like Gollum after 20 Rothman’s, told me to buy some peppermint oil. “How do you know you’re having an flare-up anyway?”. Well, love, I’ve had an arse like the Japanese flag since the John Major days, I probably know my own body better than a fucking carrion crow with a lanyard and hooped earrings.
The fuckers speak to you like you’ve just crawled out of Ann Widdecombe’s dried up old minge, yet they hide behind their fucking ‘zero tolerance’ policy where ‘abuse’ means breathing in a way they don’t like. Cunts.
Nominated by: Gloria Stitz
Put on a fake P*ki accent and you will have an appointment in seconds 😂
31
Nosey cunts who think theyre medical experts.
Your a phone chimp not a medical expert,
If I want your advice id of booked to see karen the know it all,
If you must know ive got my winky stuck in the hoover.
Again.
24
has it got a blow button rather than just suck
6
No.
Just a ‘SUCK’ and ‘SPIT’ button?
Luckily it had that much lipstick on it worked like WD40..
7
If you use the stair tool extension attachment you don’t need to take the entire vac to the surgery 😂
Top tip for the day 👍
12
Rottweilers with lipstick.
7
Training to he a doctor:
Medical students – seven years.
GP Receptionists – 20 minutes.
15
All doctors receptionists are cunts and from my experience all hospital staff are cunts too, seems anyone who’s a natural born cunt gravitates to the medical sector where they know that being a cunt is a job requirement. But the biggest cunt this week is the scottish cunt postman that refused to help a 72 year old disabled woman who was lying in a foot of snow…that cunt needs 6ft rope of the week award for ultra cuntishness.
25
Sorry but ours is ok. The doctors are cunts however so swings and roundabouts.
5
how odd, you must be private where they need your money
5
We are lucky enough that both receptionists and doctors are fine.
Compared to only a few years ago, fucking nightmare trying to get a same day appointment after the practice opens at 8am. Not unusual to have to make 70+ calls to get through (using speed dial) as almost continually engaged until 8.30.
5
The receptionists at my GP are young, have great smiles and seem to have ripe tits last time I visited
Don’t know their names
Don’t know what they said
Just nice tits
…errr, that’s it!
19
Situational awareness at its finest, Techno.
7
You want to see two of the crackers I work with, they give me the horn.
6
Mine is great. Whenever I attend for my sperm count and she sees me struggling, she always says “can I give you a hand with that?”
11
When I give sperm, I have four of them stroking, kissing, bouncing, and pleasuring me. Mind you, I’m in BUPA.
8
Well fuck off and don’t expect anything special next time you turn up a Whiston Hospital for treatment!
😅
6
I wouldn’t fancy that job. After all the benefits bludgers and fucking hypochondriacs day in day out, I’d have little humanity left for the genuine cases.
As for Crohn’s disease, my kid brother (even though he’s nearly fifty, he’s still my kid brother) has it, and he’s suffering something terrible with it at the moment, so you have my complete sympathy.
5
Spot on – excellent cunting
4
Not had much contact with them (I would rather just fix myself than waste time at the quacks unless it’s serious) but in my limited experience most have been fine and some been rude, bad attitude arrogant bitches.
Not ever twice with me though.
5
Vernon I did have a little search on twatter before they suspended me for you however, there appears many foxes called Vernon out there.
3
Everyonesacunt @ – try @VernonF31630714 – you should be able to find me with that. 😀👍
2
Excellent cunting and since when did you have to to call at exactly half eight? It’s a fucking nuisance. On the rare occasion I’ve had to go to the GP surgery I have called later than that and asked if there are any cancellations and sometimes you get an appointment, and if they say no I say some shite abaaaaaht mental health issues and they usually find me something.
Go fuck yourselves.
6
I am sure that as soon as you mention your name the entire staff are anxious to examine your todger.
6
Don’t need to mention my name Guzziguy, as soon as they hear my manly, gentlemanly voice say ‘Got any facking appointments then?’ they are falling over themselves to be the one to have the pleasure of dealing with me.
9
It’s been impossible to see my GP receptionists for about a year. They only engage by phone (I had to hang on for 23 minutes last time I called for a repeat prescription of tranquillisers) and it’s nigh on impossible to get a facemask to facemask consultation with my GP anymore.
Seems that every cunt and his dog is using the pandemic to avoid doing a fair day’s work for a fair day’s pay. The average taxpayer pays over £5000 a year toward the NHS whether they use it or not, the least these well paid GPs could do is make themselves accessible to their so called patients now and again, fuck them.
6
The situation is becoming extremely serious Ruff. With my disability, I had a lady Indian doctor visit me to give me my COVID jab.
Fantastic lady. The NHS could not manage without her type and I suspect very sadly that the work shy could be mainly amongst whities.
As for Dentistry, I reckon it’s finished as a profession.
7
Bob Mortimer does his own dentistry.
True.
Id advise anyone to give this a go, cheap and only need a few easily available tools.
Happy dentistry!!👍
3
Evening Mis. I’ve been lucky lately by getting an appointment with Shane MacGowan’s dentist.
7
I’ve been okay dentist wise.
Had a 6 monthly check up only last month, very efficient service and a great practitioner, been with him for over 30 years. Mind you, he switched to semi-private around 6 years ago so we’re on Denplan insurance now, about £20 a month, but he’s worth every penny imo. Fuck knows what will replace him when he retires.
Fortunately he’s about 10 years younger than me so I’ll probably be brown bread before then. 😀
4
Mines that young hes still got his milk teeth.
2
Mercifully, I get my repeat prescriptions just by emailing regular chemists, who are terrific. Saves me having to d/w GP receptionists who, tbh, aren’t as bad as they used to be. Also, the surgery has dropped the awful “Phone at 8h, wait for ages to be told to phone back next day”, as system is now basically phone for an appointment over next few days or so. Have only once needed a real emergency (exploded sigmund), and I got immediate appt.
I reckon they had a lot of complaints about some of the previous old trouts; they would’ve put Mengele to shame.
0
Sorry to go off topic but how remarkablely like the Colonel Gary looks-
https://images.app.goo.gl/NWLEV5SZYdrGRC757
He ought to present Match of the Day looking like that. Amazing.
2
Miles – have you just woken up or summit?
I know I’ve been guilty about slightly changing the thrust of a nom but can you tell me what the link is between Gary Lineker and GP receptionists?
6
They are both cunts?
9
I’d chop him into tiny pieces, batter him, and chuck him in the oil-boiler. Then the feckin cunt would look like the product
0
I’d chop him into tiny pieces, batter him, and chuck him in the oil-boiler. Then the feckin cunt would look like the product
0
Never tell the medical centre phone monkeys what’s wrong with you, ever. Because they always ‘give out’ their own ‘advice’ like they are medical experts when they aren’t. It’s cunts like these arrogant self appointed arses who told my mother who was dying of the Big C that she was merely suffering from trapped wind. Straight up.
Always say it’s personal or private, and then you might – I say ‘might’ – just be able to talk to a real Doctor. Don’t hold your breath though.
10
That’s appalling Norm that your mum should be told that. I think you’re right – insist on speaking to the organ grinder.
4
It’s none of their fucking business and between you and your doctor.
One of mine is a stringy, henna haired and venomous harridan. Loves her authority and I made my amusement audible when she had to apologise to another patient for her fuck up.
She’s got those lined, pursed lips (think Pelosi) that pickled lemon sucking, carrot topped duracell cunt.
6
Mardy Cunt: I’m here for the GP Receptionist job.
Dr: No “Hello” – good start.
Mardy Cunt: (Tuts then sighs loudly)
Dr: Impatient, I like it.
Mardy Cunt: There’s need to speak to me like that.
Dr: Good, good. Now, any medical knowledge at all?
Mardy Cunt: None whatsoever.
Dr: Ah…
Mardy Cunt: …but I am a nosey bitch and definitely FEEL qualified.
Dr: Are you ok with personal issues?
Mardy Cunt: It’s been so long since I had sex that there are cobwebs on my cunt so I will humiliate everybody I can.
Dr: Well, you’re a horribly unpleasant, sexually-deprived harpee with awful teeth and no bedside manner at all. When can you start?
Mardy Cunt: Best I can do is five months on Monday.
15
receptionists are ‘orible cunts.. I can say that here can’t I. Just got my first twatter account suspension. Took a week all I said was someone was an ‘orible cunt. Apparently it broke their sexism sensibilities. Fucking stupid woke cunts.
6
Just tell the nosy cunt you’ve got green pus dribbling out of your japs eye, they won’t ask again….
5
Getting into my GP’s is like being on the fucking crystal maze. Press buzzer, wait, speak, enter, turn left only and right to exit. There are still five obnoxious employees despite no appointments, or very few. You can’t get a prescription on the phone or an appointment, it has to be one of two apps. Ask your GP or group practice website. How the fuck do the elderly non tech manage? On the occasions pre covid the waiting room has some shit radio on very loud so I stand in the corridor. Can’t stand there sir! Well turn that radio off or down because I’m on the fucking edge. Eventually I get in as the doctor’s buzzer has more decibels. I moan to the GP. Oh yes people mention it a lot. I fucking give up.
3
Apologies for re-posting something from a similar thread from last Autumn, I feel it sums the situation, perfectly:
Cuntfinder General on October 1, 2020 at 9:52 am said:
I shall, if would allow me, to cunt these cunts, with a joke:
Picture the scene: a rural village with a small practice. The waiting room is fairly small with lots of chairs packed in. Today these chairs are full with folk eager to see the doctor.
The door opens and in shuffles an elderly gentleman. He approaches the reception counter, behind which sits the dreaded receptionist, a hard faced lady in her fifties, twinset, pearls and glasses around her neck on a chain:
“Yes? Can I help you?”
“Er. I’d, er, like to see the doctor, please miss.”
“Yes, yes! And what exactly seems to be the problem?”
“Er. Rr, well, it’s a it personal like, I want to talk to a doctor.”
“Nonsense! I am very much afraid that if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t give you an appointment!”
By now , a deathly hush has descended on the waiting room, all ears strained and trained on the conversation between receptionist and patient:
“Well as I said, it’s a little bit embarrassing and personal, I don’t really want to discuss it with anybody else.”
“Well I’m very sorry, I can’t give you an appointment without details!”
The poor old fella takes a deep breath then says:
“It’s me cock!”
There are audible gasps from the people in the waiting room and the receptionist looks horrified.
“Wh-what! You ca-can’t say that! Now I want you to go outside, come back in and ask me for an appointment-say it’s your ear. Yes that will be better!”
The old fella is waved away by her and dejectedly, leaves the surgery.
Moments later he re- enters and approaches the receptionist. All those in the room, now attentive:
“Yes? How may I help you?”
“Er, I’d like to see the doctor, please.”
“Yes. And what seems to be the problem today?”
“Well er, well, it’s me ear.”
“Yes? And what seems to be the problem with it”
The old fella looks her straight in the eyes, straightens and in a loud voice , replies:
“I can’t PISS out of it!!”
11
The nurse at my doctor’s is fit as fuck.
The rest of it is like a special hobby invented by a Super Cunt like Gordon “Wonky Lamp”Gordon.
1
Shit a brick I must be pissed
BROWN
Fuck off
More ale as well please
1
Location: Heaven
God addresses an audience of Little Souls, each to be given their allocation on Earth
God: You are good with money and efficient, an entrepreneur you shall be. You are good with knowledge and things of the past, an historian you shall be. You like precious metals, are creative and deft, a jeweller you shall be. You are holy and chaste, a monastic life for you. You are just and conscientious, a lawyer you shall be…
Time passes…
God (continuing): You are a bunch of passive aggressive little cunts, GP receptionist for you lot, if no vacancies once you’re down there try Parking Warden.
6
They knock them out as a job lot 👎
HMRC Staff
Post Office Counter Staff
Doctors Receptionists
Absolute Wankers 👎👎
6
Simpletons who adore a modicum of authority and the status it allows.
Sounds familiar for some reason.
3
Always remember when I was about six, spewing for about two days. My mother phones up the doctors and the receptionist, using her medical degree, says I have a stomach bug. The cunt eventually agrees to send out a doctor, examines me and diagnoses an ear infection. Now when you go into the doctors for an appointment, they ask you what’s wrong with you!! My reply of ‘bumgrapes’ usually quietens them down the nosey cunts.
5
Just rub some yep valley yoghurt on um’.
2
Will give it a try Clown Clown, cheers.
2
Just please don’t upload it to youporn. I had a dodgy take away tonight.
2
They are all the Marjorie’s in the world. It’s the same as solicitors names, they all looked like they banged their head on a keyboard and inserted a hyphen.
3
Apart from the C and F’s, that could have been a Victoria Wood monologue. RIP, one of the countable on one hand women who could be genuinely funny at observational comedy.
(No I’m not hagiologising her, her later years stuff and ‘serious’ writing was shit. But credit where it’s due for her early years.)
4
They’re basically real life versions of Dolores Umbridge.
5
There’s one in particular at my local medical centre, if I walk in and see her at reception I turn round and walk out again. I mean I used to before all this covid stuff started. She glowers at me and won’t give me anything, not an appointment, no advice, nothing at all. I must remind her of her ex-husband.
6
I don’t think that’s going to work!
1
And this is exactly what the uber-liberal Dems in America want to turn our health care system into (so long as there are no wait times for themselves). Let the masses suffer. I love my UK friends, but why the hell did you ever start socialized health care!!??
2
Love your neighbour?
1
The NHS was started to keep the post war, depleted, workforce, working.
It has been bastardised by middle management, Mis management and being made freely available to the whole fucking world☹️👎
7
Also if you lose your job and cannot afford your health insurance premiums, your up shit creek without a paddle in America. Whereas the NHS is there to help Nationals. As you said, not international. It also helps people get into the caring industry, I’m not against private healthcare. I’m against the bastardardisation of the NHS.
4
In a nutshell General. That stance is supported by some of the employees as well, on the workers tax money.
A 4* hotel full of dinghy parasites were given the jab recently, in priority over the native urgency cases, including, surprisingly enough, NHS workers. How inclusive.
2
Some good some bad.
And sometimes it’s the GP who is to blame. At one GPs surgery you had to call six days in advance. I had man flu (and we all know how fucking serious that is) and needed a few days off years ago. Got told to come in six days. Told them I’d need a sick note (the boss was a cunt and wouldn’t let you self certify for a short illness- probably illegal looking back). They said ‘six days at least’. Told her I would probably be ok by then so how would the doctor know I was sick, and that my boss was a dick who demanded sick notes, even if you’d never been off before and just needed a day.
Gave up in the end. Used a different GP nearby after registering and got sorted.
But it was the lazy GP pushing that six days shite.
0
Second all of that. Mine has a 4 minute message about covid that plays now before your call even joins the queue.
Took the pharmacy 4 days to get hold of a vitamin d prescription. All they did was blame covid.
Im sorry, but they say on the door ‘if you have coivd symptoms dont come in’, they dispense no covid drugs and give out no covid vaccines. The existence of covid affects their operation as much as the existence of marmite. Lazy, useless, excuse making cunts
5