Bit of an odd one this. Burglars deserve a cunting. As some of you are probably aware, I happen to be a massive Sci-Fi fan. I take that hobby to the point that I buy models and figurines from the various shows that I like. I have an entire collection of models and figures from the OG Star Wars, Star Trek Babylon 5 and Battlestar Galactica. I also have various figures from the Marvel/DC universes, all proudly on display in my office. I have over 1000 models and figurines, and my collection is not even finished yet. A lot of them are very expensive, some are a rather more reasonably priced. I even have some antique props from the actual shows, such as a Viper pilot’s helmet from the original Battlestar Galactica and a full sized Cylon Centurion, complete with flashing red strobe light. The Piese de resistance however, is a massive 1:330 scale refit original Enterprise from the Motion Picture.
Someone, who used to be a friend decided that they would like to start a collection like mine. Except, instead of going on t’inernet to source them, he decided that he’d pay someone to steal mine. Fortunately for me, he picked someone who makes Inspector Clouseau look a genious. I easily caught this prick at 3am this morning, trying to unlock the door to my office, which has quite an expensive security system. The windows are all two small for anyone who isn’t three years to get in.
I don’t sleep very well, so after hearing the sounds of someone moving around downstairs, and finding this chump trying to jemmy my office door open. He pulled a knife and a scuffled ensued, during which he found out why it’s a bad idea to try to fight an angry 6’5″ former army commando. Plod were called, who turned up surprising quickly and arrested the little shit. Questioning later revealed that he’d been offered £50 by said ex-friend to steal as much of my collection as he could, including the vintage helmet.
Needless to say, he and I are no longer friends, and never will be again. None of our mutual friends are in a hurry to forgive him either. This guy knew full well that most of my models are fairly cheap to acquire. He knew where he could acquire them. And he could easily afford them. So why did he decide to try to steal my stuff instead? What a cunt.
Update: Ex-friend has been arrested and admitted to the offence. He claims he was drunk at the time he offered incompetent Raffles the 50 quid to break into my house. I’m also looking around for a better security system, because for I what I paid, I would expect it to do its fucking job and keep thieving cunts OUT of my house.
Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw
A large dog or two would suffice.
12
Or the Tony Martin option 💥
11
Swiss doctors advise the Ted Moult alternative in these circumstances
6
Dawn Butler and Jess Phillips, instantly spring to mind!
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I refer to my two as my organic, biodegradeable alarm and security systemn.
2
What a dreadful yet entertaining turn of events.
I do hope you are unscathed QDM.
In a better world scoundrels like this would be flogged then hanged.
All the best and Fuck The Cunts!
7
The cunts needs kneecapping.
Thieving is disgusting. I fucking wish I was in charge of law and order in this shit hole, fuck building HSS rails, I’d build prisons and plenty of them. Cold, damp fuckers with lots of ‘clients’ in a cell. Slopping out once day, once a week in summer. Cunts the lot of them.
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You are lucky to live somewhere where Plod view this sort of crime as a reasonable priority.
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Meant to say that in Nottinghamshire,where the police had a 12% rise in their allowance last year you would still be waiting for a response as they feel that imaginary hate crime is top of the to do list.
6
Burglars are the lowest of the low…Tony Martin showed how to deal with these absolute cunts.
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an English man’s home is his castle and he should be able to defend it using medieval weapons.
12
When we lived in South London, the flat below us was robbed on a monthly basis one spring/summer. The poor woman was at her wits end. She used to ask me to go in for her and check the fuckers had gone. The police did fuck all except turn up a day later each time, suck their teeth and say shit like “There have been a lot in the area recently”, “No point checking for forensics now as they will have worn gloves”, “We are very busy, but here is a crime number and we will get back to you if we hear anything.”
She never did hear anything, but the burglaries eventually stopped. Presumably the bag of shit perp died of an overdose, or ran into some cunt who got home early and beat it to death as you would a fucking cockroach.
Burglars are indeed arsehole, lowlife, parasitic cunt scum.
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The woman’s response should have been something on the lines of ‘ Alright , I’ll install a security system and pay for it by withholding council tax’. She would be guaranteed an interesting day in court and Cressida would a tough time in the witness box.
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When the so called friend was found out he blamed the drink. Has never heard of in vino veritas. Cunt.
4
I don’t care what their personal circumstances are, if they are in debt or addicted to drugs or alcohol, or whether they are just vermin, burglary is a despicable crime that a few months jail will never be punishment enough.
Society would be better served if they were burned at the stake.
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This is just the society we live in.
People wnat something without having to work for it or put any sort of effort in.
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Never been burgled but if I caught some fucker in my house – no plod.
Blade – blanket – shovel – a small corner of Kent that would be ‘ forever cunt ‘
9
I wouldn’t have called the old bill, I’d have fed the cunt feet-first into my bark chipper.
5
Well done that man, very pleased to read that you and your collection survived this encounter without damage. Nice to read good news occasionally. Let us hope the CPS take into account the fact he was carrying a knife and produced knife when encountered by yourself that takes the offence up a notch or two. Well done mate!
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Misread as buglers. Same outcome cunts
5
I’m sure that I read that Owen Jones is some sort of burglar, or was it his turds that were burgled ?
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If a Man with nothing steals food I can kind of get that, but invading a Mans cave is a serious thing in my book.
There would be consequences “detrimental to their health”.
Standards must be maintained.
9
Sounds like the 6’5’’ ex commando option works fairly well.
What a cunt thing for a so called friend to do, I hope he’s a victim of karma.
4
Years ago did a bit of night security work in Rochdale.
It was a yard full of heavy plant,
Diggers, bowzers, moxies etc
Early one morning about 3am i went for a slash and walked straight into a urban ninja like that cunt in the pic!
Dont know who was most shocked!
He legged it about 20ft and tripped over a trailer hitch doing a belly flop straight onto the concrete then limped off.
He dropped his headtorch, and a large screwdriver in his haste.
Daft cunt.
Nowt to nick unless he wanted a tractor.
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You sure the cunt wasn’t from organised crime, MNC? Sounds like it could have been dangerous. Plant and machinery is usually nicked to order. Not that I know anything about it, of course.
3
Twenty@
He looked like Spiderman at a funeral or something!
I was half asleep and shit myself when saw him.
But he must of been just as scared because he legged it.
Hitting the deck chest first must of stung a bit!
3
175lb Crossbows are your friend.
5
Luckily I collect antique furniture (got bugger all else worth having except for wristwatches) – if any fker can shift that good luck to them! 😃💪
And I recall a distressing incident when I went to woo Lady Fiddler – I was mistaken for a burglar and ended up being pursued across half of Northumberland by an angry horse riding Man dressed as the Black Prince wielding a jousting lance and accompanied by a pack of baying hounds!
Right, time for an “interesting” bike ride in the snow.
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Burglary is a low life occupation. It is one of those crimes the police no longer regard as worthy of investigation in many areas. We’ve all seen court reports where Mr Scrote has been sentenced to a slapped wrist for one count of burglary with another x amount of burglaries taken into consideration.
It isn’t good enough, if a cunt is convicted of one burglary it should entail prison time, if found guilty of multiple burglaries additional time should be served for each instance the cunt admits to. However this would probably end the practice of police getting Mr Scrote taking the rap for crimes he never committed to make the police look effective in return for a non custodial sentence. The above practice does nothing to reduce crime or punish criminals.
7
Sixdog@
Imagine my shock when finding out that burglars arent gentlemen theives who look like David Niven,
But instead are smackheads who look like Bez from the Happy Mondays.
Quite twisted my melon man
8
QDM-I had an association, many years ago, with a completely miserable old cunt, who had retired from the “business”. His company, P********* D***** LTD, were at one point, one of the biggest suppliers of props in the film and TV industry.
I was given a tour of one if his warehouses-full if stuff that would have given you a “hard on”, for sure👍
He had Doctor Who’s Tardis’s, Daleks, the lot. All sold off-I think the Sun newspaper purchased one of the Tardis shells.
7
Just switched the radio on… it was LBC with O’Brien saying:
“All of the media is sycophantically right wing”.
Classic O’Shithead! 😂
Now switched over to TalkRadio and Mike Graham.
7
A friend who is a session musician, has a collection of Guitars, bass guitars and other instruments, amps, effects racks, etc, worth many hundreds of thousands of pounds.
A decent vintage Stratocaster or Les Paul can be worth 20k plus-he gas racks of them in his home studio.
I know the security is pretty good.
As stated at the top of the replies, a couple of German Shepherds, sleeping outside the office door, would work👍
4
We’ve had some strange burglaries round our way recently.
Police have arrested a local thug named Cal, for breaking into houses even though he stole nothing. Fuckin’ weirdo just used to break washing machines by placing bricks in them and turning them on!
Very sadly he’s just been found dead from a drug overdose.
Still, people are happy that their washing machines live longer with Cal gone!
I really do apologise for that!
9
Ooh! Ow!
Stop throwing those rock cakes at me. Even that cunt Kumar only had bread rolls to deal with.
4
Excellent Bertie-made me laugh👍
How is Percy coping with this cold snap-have you tried the microwave on auto-defrost hot 2 minutes to warm the little fuc, er, darling up🤔
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Afternoon General.
He’s used to being punished by extremes of temperature, going back to last year when he spent a couple of hours in the fridge due to a foul mouthed outburst. First thing he asked me when he got out was “ what the fuck did he do wrong to end up in here?”
He was referring of course to the Christmas turkey.
3
Afternoon General.
He’s used to being punished by extremes of temperature, going back to last year when he spent a couple of hours in the fridge due to a foul mouthed outburst. First thing he asked me when he got out was “ what the fuck did he do wrong to end up in here?”
He was referring of course to the Christmas turkey.
2
He is a naughty one. Our cats still haven’t fully recovered: I only have to make a “squawk” noise and they are out of the cat flap faster than David Lammy on a trolley dash in a Jaffa Cake factory😀👍
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In days of yore, Bertie, Cal would have been viewed as a malcontent. And a cunt, most likely.
3
5 – 10 years hard labour for the first offence, a bullet in the back of the head for the 2nd.
I’ve got no sympathy for cunts who break into other people’s homes, especially the elderly….. turning up with a knife too, what a cunt.
4
If someone has a knife, it is suggestive of intent to use.
5 years behind the door👍
4
Being six feet five and finding a burglar in my house has long been a fantasy of mine.
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Misdirection works wonders. Most burglars aren’t too bright, so if you have a locked door that looks just about breakable (but not quite) and advertise it as if there were treasures behind it, then they’ll piss about with that.
Put a punji pit behind the door for that sweet bonus should they succeed.
4
QDM:
As a kid, there was a lad in my class at Grammar school, who suffered from severe asthma. He could never join in sporting activities but made up for it with a good brain and sharp sense of humour.
We became pals-the face that his older sister (we were 13, she 16) had recently become a model-blonde curly hair and huge tits😋, had absolutely nothing to do with it.
Well, maybe a little.
One day, after repeatedly inviting me for tea, I stayed on the bus for another couple miles and went to his place.
I knew he was into Star Wars, he had hinted that he had a few bits and pieces related to the films.
They had a nice Victorian semi-detached house next to a farm.
After a brew and a chat with his mum, she suggested he show me his “collection”.
I was not prepared for the sight that greeted me when he opened the door to his room.
The ceiling and walls were painted black, with realistic stars that actually glowed.
Suspended on wires, were every imaginable Star Wars space craft in model form-in the centre if the room, a fucking enourmous Death Star-it must have been 3-4 feet in diameter!
Not a massive fan back then-I had agreed to go to his gaff, in the hope of ogling his sisters magnificent tits, even I was left speechless with admiration at the museum standard display.
It must have cost thousands-back in the early 80’s too.
I wonder if he kept them-they must be worth a fucking fortune now.
Ps: I did get to ogle his sister-she has a sunbed in her room😉
Knocked quite a few out over her, as a randy young twat.
Sigh🤔
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Fuck me sideways, with so called “friends” like that, who needs fucking enemies.
Glad to hear that Plod had the nous to spring into action quickly; perhaps they were concerned that you may have been tempted to beat the thieving little shit into raspberry compote.
4
I attend a fair few post burglaries as a locksmith, boarding up, changing locks etc. The residents are always upset, regardless of what’s been taken, and the mess left behind.
I never break anything, leave a mess and I always re pick the lock and secure the property on my way out. Amateur cunts.
3
I hope you punched that knife wielding cunt to within one inch of his life before plod got there and that you smashed his hands to pulp so he can’t hold his own dick again let alone a knife.
What a fucking low life cunt your ex mate is. I hope the cunt gets 5 years nick and gets gorilla fucked everyday in the shower.
3