Not Going to the Pictures

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Pa pa pa paa pa paa pa paa papa pa,papa pa pa pa paa pa pa POW!

Went the beloved Pearl&Dean theme; intermission, ladies selling choc ices from a tray round their neck, Sunkist, pop corn.
Was a big treat!!
My family only took me 3 times as a kid, my gran when I was about 5yrs to see ‘Jungle Book’,where I learnt about Kipling’s classic tale. Still love his cakes.
Then my dad took me to see ‘Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger’, where I learnt about the Muslim culture.
Then in 1977 my dad took me to see ‘Star Wars’; don’t think he enjoyed it but I did!
Although ahead of its time, a white man in bondage gear who talks like he’s black (Darth Vader), a gay robot (c3po) a midget in a bin (r2d2). A loud mouth sassy Yank princess , and the idea of a vast empire stretching out and using stormtroopers to enforce its will!!’Burn them alive!!’, shouted a 7yr old Miserable.

But as time passes no one goes the pictures now. The cinemas have turned into ‘multiplexes’-Yank shite.
Not a big treat anymore.
I miss it, now all the films have leading characters that in my day would be a villain or have subtitles.
Nowadays it’s preachy as fuck, every film has a message.I dont want a message, I want to be entertained!!

And a choc ice.

Nominated by: Miserable Northern Cunt 

109 thoughts on “Not Going to the Pictures”

  1. You can’t call them choc ices any more, “choc” is a racist term of abuse!

    Chocs away!!!*

    * Spitfire pilots were racist. One of them had a dog called Nîgger.

    • That was Guy Gibson. Bomber command, Ruff.

      Anyway. I miss the square cups of kia-ora and the advert for the same.

      Apparently thats racist too.

    • I think the reference to choc ice is some kind of gay code for debauchery on the back row. 😂

      • Even choc ices have gone now to be replaced by Magnum etc.

        I remember the Walls Dark and Golden choc ice – wafer thin plain chocolate on a vanilla ice cream bar. The milk chocolate version was called Golden Vanilla. Dark and Golden every time for young Maskinback.

      • Mars bars were much in vogue with heterosexual girls and boys along the back row in 1967.

    • Kia-.Ora!…Sunkist! …Ice cream tubs with a wooden spoon, and a handfull of tit in the back row

      • Fair cop, M’lud. That said, Nîgger was quite a common name for black dogs back then, I wouldn’t be surprised if several fighter pilots also had dogs of that nomenclature.

        My great-grandparents had a Nîgger. I still have his gravestone proudly on display in our back garden. 😁

      • I was thinking of being a pedant about this. Then I thought that n i g g e r would back then be a common name for a black dog and that some Supermarine and Hawker pilots may well have had such a dog so I desisted!

        And rufftoff has said exactly my thought process.

      • There was a black kid at our school with the same name!
        And all his family were called that!
        Probably traditional or something?..

      • In our more progressive grammar school, we had an African-I never got to know him as he was a younger cunt, I think his surname was B’ney.
        First name Jongle.
        Something like that🤔

  2. Ah the good old days. Butterkist popcorn, bags of sweets and the pictures full on a Saturday afternoon. All the heroes were heroes,the women women and no tedious preachy fucking moralistic messages.
    I ain’t been in years and doubt I will again.
    I’m filling up here. Excuse me …sniff.

  3. No, hated going to the pictures pretty much the same as I hate going anywhere else to socialise and /or share a space with other cunts.
    Fuck no.

  4. I haven’t been to the cinema since “Jaws” came out. I did go with the intention of seeing “Se7en” after hearing about a bit in it where some fat Cunt gets stuffed with food until he bursts….that sounds a laugh,I thought…but when I got to the multiplex finding the right screen looked a bit complicated so I just thought “Fuck it..it’ll be on the telly eventually” and went on a pub instead.

    • A sensible choice.
      One we wont have soon as be neither cinemas or fuckin pubs!

      • As another shredded blood drenched lilo washes up in the surf and a frantic mother calls out the name of her missing child, a loud cheer is heard from the back row.

      • The proper Pubs were struggling afore all this Covid shite…the only Pubs that’ll be open after this’ll be those shitty places that hand you a menu before asking what you’re drinking…full of screaming brats and their fruit-juice drinking parents….and The Gays drinking Babycham.

  5. I’m lucky Miserable , I have a retro cinema round the corner. Same ticket machines as I knew them. In the cinema, you can book a sofa, have them bring you a beer or hot beverage, and food.
    They also have unusual films showing, as well as classics from my childhood era. Only difference is you can’t chuff away on a Embo No1 or a players shitstick.No6.

    • Sounds good CS!👍
      Theres a retro one not far to be honest although god knows if it’ll survive these lockdowns?
      I was very giddy last time I went,
      Like going back to the 70s!
      But the missus felt ill and cut it short.
      Probably because I asked her to pay for the fuckin popcorn.😀

  6. dadada da dud a duder darrrrrr. dud. Cinema is a dead dodo. The corporations have seen that one off. Cunts.

  7. I was in the States in the summer of ’77 and a very nice couple suggested we go to the drive-in to watch Star Wars whilst smoking dope. Unfortunately we never went and I regret that to this day.

    We went to watch 1917 at the new local Multiplex in January. There was a choice of about 5 different types of cinema and I booked the one with the most convenient times. It was the 1st time we had been for about 25 years, bloody hell, it had surround sound and semi-circular screen. It was brilliant, nothing like watching a film on TV.

    • I watched 1917 on telly the other night. That Albatross pilot, the one they pulled from his burning aircraft, what a facking CUNT he was eh?

  8. The trouble with cinemas is you have to mix with people. I don’t like people! Then there are the actors, chances are they have recently preached at us about what a racist earth murdering race we are, that makes me want to puke.

    The cost of the beverages, the stink of unwashed chavs and fat sweaty single forever mother’s.

    Just not a fan of going to the pictures.

  9. Ahh, the smell of processed shit in the foyer, the feel of paper tickets, smoking until your eyes bled, being wanked off on the back row, finger-banging some dirty-blonde hussy then thrusting your fingers into over-priced popcorn. When will return the glory of thy prime? No more, oh Nevermore.

      • G.K. Chesterton, surely:

        The follies of ones youth, made glorious in the back row of the Roxy, with fish fingered memories and cum splattered mammaries.

        I think that’s how it goes?🤔

  10. Haven’t been for years. Deafening sound system, cunts rustling bags people chomping pop corn, uncomfortable seats kin ell….
    Remember Tora Tora Tora back in the 70s lads throwing bangers inside happy daze added realism. A pissed mate threw a beer tin at the screen. Fucking hooligans!!

  11. Hold on Mis, your Dad took you to see Sinbad and the eye of the tiger? My mum took me to see that.
    You weren’t that lanky bastard throwing popcorn at us all the way through and shouting: “Oi, princess, get your tits out, love!”?

    Fucking hell.
    Small world😮

  13. I stopped going regularly when the local Odeon was turned into flats and a multiscreen opened at another location.
    I went there to watch The Lord Of The Rings film (took my nephew) and was surrounded by fatties and ethnics with stinky trays of nachos, chile and other such shite. It fucking honked and I could barely hear the fucking film for all the slurping, crunching and rustling (and no, not in a good way😚).
    I prefer to crack open a bottle of Malt and watch in the luxury of my own home.

  14. Went to the pictures twice in 2019, each time to see Stan and Ollie- the only film I have really been interested in wanting to see in probably the last 20 years or so.

    The local cinema in the town centre is still relatively new, and is vast, having around a dozen or so good size screen areas. Thankfully on each viewing fellow cinema goers were respectful of others and I was able to watch the film in relative peace and comfort. Popcorn and a carbonated drink rip off at about £5 so didn’t bother.

    Annoyingly the first 30 minutes or so spent watching adverts and promotions for animated crap or blockbuster computer generated effect films with the obvious shallow plots. Must admit the experience was better than I expected however since then there hasn’t been a film I have been interested in. Suppose I generally go to the cinema once every 5 years or so.

    I remember Saturday morning pictures with Flash Gordon at under a shilling (5p) and where there used to be two films, the support film and the main attraction. Pearl and Dean, and a lady coming round with a tray and torch containing Kiora orange juice, pop corn, sweets and chock ices. Advertised in screen the opportunity to visit the local Indian restaurant just around the corner.

    First films I remember going to with my father were “Where Eagles Dare” and “The Italian Job” when aged 10, circa 1969.

    Happy days indeed.

  15. Took a bird to see Top Gun back in the day. I’d met her pissed in a club the previous Saturday and when she turned up she was rough as fuck. About 20 minutes in I went to the bog and fucked off home, left her in there. These days I’d probably go back in and sit a few rows back and watch the filum. What a cunt!

    • Worst film I ever saw at the pictures was ‘Vanilla Sky’ with Tom Cruise starring.
      It was fuckin rubbish.
      Bored as fuck, from the start,
      In one bit Tom was in danger and I said ‘hope he fuckin dies”
      A few people laughed but missus Miserable was fuming with me!
      Got a massive bollocking off her and apologised for my behaviour.
      But I really did wish hed just fuckin die.

  16. Mis-there are streets in part of Londanistan, where you can experience all the joys of a 1970’s, “cough” cinema, “cough”.
    I’ll get admin to forward you the address of a good one.
    Ask for wobbly Dave, tell them “Cunt” sent you.
    Please don’t touch the girls😉

    • Remember being taken with a group of friends to the Phoenix Club in Soho in the late 1970’s. It made the national news when it was closed down only a short time later. Can’t remember how much it was to get in but it was relatively inexpensive and some of the best money I ever spent.

  17. The Mayfair cinema in Whitefield was great. The only cinema in miles to have a bar and also one of the first with twin screens (Major and Minor). Saw everything there: from Carry On films to The Towering Inferno. This is a picture of the Major and although some cunt has watermarked it, the photo was most definitely not taken in 2020. It closed for good in 1994.

    https://farm66.static.flickr.com/65535/49568035863_0bfd45faf0.jpg

    • I remember some Coronation Street stars turning up to the Mayfair one night to watch some film that was out. Elsie Tanner, Len Fairclough and a few others. What I noticed was none of them sat next to each other or appeared to speak to one another in the cinema. Only Julie Goodyear (Bet Lynch) and Anne Kirkbride (Deidre Langton) sat together and seemed to be on friendly terms.

      • Cuntstable – I reckon you must be one of Isac’s most travelled contributors. You seem to have lived everywhere.
        Looking back, do you think this might have been driven by the need to escape Ringland?
        😅

      • Bertie@
        CC is to Wales what Ringo is to Liverpool, soon as he had a poundnote in his hand he was off!
        Never looked back..😀😀

      • He appears to be a hard chap Mis but in reality, he’s softer than Rodney Parade!

      • Mis – Cunstable grew up in Ringland – the equivalent of Brinnington.
        Mrs B used to live next to the area. When I stayed with Mrs B , the marauding hordes used to attack and steal my wheel trims, the cunts.

      • Bertie@
        He knows Stockport and surrounding environs almost as well as I do.
        I think he works for Google Earth.

      • In those days they showed the public information films at the cinema before the film – Rolf Harris in “learn to swim” and Len Fairclough’s “Thumbs up Kids” Swimming Club.

        I did make that last one up.

    • I watched the Towering Inferno at my Odeon.
      Fuckin’ Hell it was hot on the first row!
      Are they making a remake on the Grenfell Inferno?

  18. Thanks Mis, I thought I was the only one cheering on the Empire in Star Wars. Good old Lord Vader, Grand Moff Tarkin and dedicated Admiral Piett.

    • That original Emperor in The Empire Strikes Back in 1980 was as creepy as fuck. I think it was an old woman with chimpanzee’s eyes. Straight up.

      Anyone else remember the weird short film that was on at the cinema before Empire came on? Some mad thing about Vikings or something, if I remember rightly.

      Boba Fett was a bad bastard and all. A top baddie.

      • Norman@
        My mate gives me films shows etc on DVD he burns off for me.
        Most I don’t watch, give them the missus, she’ll watch any old shite.
        But one I did watch was a spin off from Star Wars called Mandolorean.
        Its got Boba Fett in it, and is obviously based on old classic westerns,
        Check it out, I enjoyed it.👍

    • Shackles@
      No, the Empire had swagger and menace!
      Deeply impressed a young miserable.
      If theyd had a under 10s department id of signed up!!😀

    • Cheers, MNC. I’ve heard of the Mandalorean, but I’ve not seen it yet. Will check it out.

      • All the die hard fans who despise the Disney trilogy love The Mandalorean.
        It’s really pissed off Kathleen Kennedy…😁

  19. I don’t mind the cinema, but the puke coming out of Hollywoke is just unwatchable.
    As the massive losses they make shows what the vast majority of cinemagoers think of it.

  20. Aah the Palace cinema Levenshulme Manchester. Got a hand job off a bird I was going out in the back seat. During ET if I remember correctly.

    • I hope she wasn’t too rough-an inexperienced wanxtress could of led to tour bell end glowing like ET’s finger😳

  21. Great nom.
    70s cinema was a right treat for the young Terry.
    80s cinema was a right treat for romantic teenage Terry.
    Went sharply downhill after that..too many cunts on their phones or jabbering in some savage tongue.
    Ah well..

  22. Luke Skywalker would be a tranny if they remade Star Wars now. Princess Lea would have a big cock and R2D2 would be a Rastafarian mong on wheels. The plot would involve Darth Vader mis-gendering Skywalker and this would set off an intergalactic war. Trump would be The Emperor and eat babies while giving speeches.

    It would get shit reviews from the public and lose a fortune at the box office, but they’d blame the film’s poor showing on the paying public being ‘thick nazis’

  23. Brilliant nom. I miss proper cinema too, MNC. Real entertainment – Planet of the Apes; Thunderbolt and Lightfoot; Enter The Dragon; Soft Beds, Hard Battles; Bring Me The Head of Alfredo Garcia. Proper films with proper stars, preceded by excellent ads like the one for B&H with Peter Sellers.

    Even earlier, I remember the double bills that played all day. Big John Wayne, big Bob Mitchum – back when men were men. Always starring opposite fantastic looking women, Ava Gardner, Sophia Loren, Brigitte Bardot.

    Now you get soppy cunts like Benedict Cummerbund in shit films about mathematicians.

    • Cheers Twenty,
      Chatting to my mum the other day and she said “I always fancied Jack Palance!”
      Before a film star Jack had been a boxer (good one too!)
      And flew on bombing missions during WW2.
      Quite a few of the old film stars were a different breed to nowadays,
      Audie Murphy was a decorated war hero.
      Then it struck me our first dog was named Shane,
      Jack Palance starred in Shane!!😁

      • Jack Palance made a great bad guy, really intense. One of the very first films I saw in the cinema as a kid was The Desperados. Of course, another great star of westerns was James Stewart, also a WW2 hero. Love his films too. Mrs Twenty doesn’t like westerns but even she admits she likes The Man who Shot Liberty Valance!

      • … and I used to think Audie Murphy was an Irish car dealership

        …. I’ll get my coat .

  24. Last film I saw at the cinema was Terminator Salvation and it was absolute shite.
    No wonder Christian Bale flipped his fucking lid during filming.
    Not been back since. Rather bag everything worthwhile on disc

  25. Cinemas have always been cunts with the snacks and drinks. The Odeon cinema I went to back in the day as a kid would turn the heat up for 30 minutes of trailers and then an ad would come on saying pop and ice cream is being served and there’d be a scramble of thirsty hot cunts making their way towards the bird selling them.

    Hungry? Sell a kidney and remortgage your house and you might afford a hot dog too.

    They’ve always been at it, even in the ‘good old days’. Airports and anywhere you’re ‘trapped’ is the same. Once got charged £1.50 for a 10p lighter at Heathrow when I used to smoke, the robbing cunts.

  26. Diamonds Are Forever in 1971 at the Norwich Odeon with a rerun of Goldfinger as support feature.
    Best eighth birthday a boy could have…
    P.S. Daniel Craig is a cunt…

    • Maybe, but I would smash his missus and tounge her arsehole until her earings fall out

      • Connery got his leg over Jill while filming Diamonds, and Lana “Plenty O’Toole” Wood as well.
        “Shmashing”

  27. Ahh streatham ABC, early morning pictures on a Saturday morning, my dad used to give me 50p to go the the pictures, 5 p for the bus from clapham, 20p to get in the cinema and the rest on sweets, all the films were made by the children’s film foundation, cartoons, a film, and if we liked the film we used to drum on the back seat in front with our shoes, kids today are ruined, it was definitely better then , no peaceful types or stabbings..can we have those days back again…oh yes I forgot, I remember fingering my first girlfriend too was sometime several years on , I remember my dad picking me up and asking me did I have any prawn cocktail crisps as the car smelt fishy going home

    • Did you “double-down” and compound the whiff in the car by eating a packet of KP Skips?

      • No , the only way to get rid of the fish smell was a bottle of brobat and lemon vim

      • Ho ho, I do have a peculiar craving for a couple of bags of Scampi Fries right now…

      • Funnily enough Thomas, I too have a craving for those packets of scampi fries that used to be on the cardboard holder in the pub 👍

        Anyone else remember the peanuts in pubs, where the photo of the page three type model became “exposed”, the more pack you purchased😀

      • Can’t remember when I last saw one or when they stopped making them CG.
        Great wasn’t they?
        Another thing in a dim and distant past that was a better place.

      • Fantastic 😀

        There was a massive pub with a steakhouse restaurant tagged on the side, near where we lived after my Mum remarried.
        I used to sneak off when I was 11 with my schoolmate, his dad was a manager there and he used to let us play pool in a side room, bag of nuts or pork scratchings and half a bitter-used to go once or twice a week.
        Told my mum I was doing homework around another mates house😇
        I remember the barmaid had massive tits and was always bending over to give us a quick flash😚
        Like you lads say-all very British and rapidly disappearing.😢

  29. I took my seventeen year old step daughter to the cinema.
    Apparently the sex was a little too graphic.
    Everyone asked us to stop….

  30. With what’s happened in America recently a re-showing of ‘Mr Smith Goes to Washington’ would make salutary viewing.

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