The Prodigal Son

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So I´m a good Catholic and I listen to this parable at mass about three or four times a year and then sleep through the priest´s sermon justifying it. But I´ve never got it.

This useless prick of a son buggers off and spends years abroad, getting pissed and screwing foreign bints until he runs out of money and then decides to crawl back home with no shame.

Meanwhile, his goody-goody brother is looking after the family farm, doing everything his dad tells me etc. What happens when doddery old dad sees the return of the ungrateful shite who abnegated any kind of responsibility and turned his back on the family? The old fart jumps up and down for joy, tells his servants to slaughter the fatted calf, get the best wine out of the cellar and let´s party.

A few hours later Mr. Responsible winds his weary way back home after 14 hours in the field and wonders what´s going on when he comes upon a disco with nymphos dancing in diaphanous gowns, grinding their hips and pouting their ruby lips. (Well that part is omitted in the Bible.)

Dad tells him his brother has returned and everyone should rejoice. “But Dad, he was a wanker who never did any work, stole from you, disappeared and now he´s back you´re celebrating. What about me? I stayed on, did everything you told and worked my arse off. What do I have to celebrate?”

The point of the parable is that there is greater rejoicing in Heaven for a sinner who repents than for dumbos who behave themselves. A lesson for our times.

Nominated by: Mr Polly

(Presumably us sinners won’t have our heads chopped off for taking the piss out of the Catholic Church? – DA)

55 thoughts on “The Prodigal Son”

    • So, not the prodigal Son but the bible covering up the fact this kids a thieving no good smack rat who had to do one as ye olde County liners were after him!
      Sussed!
      As the esteemed Sir Fiddler would say at Sunday service – “it’s a fucking disgrace”!

  3. The morally corrupt often find it hard to understand certain aspects of The Bible.

    You remind me of Father Fintan Stack.

    • Ha ha, that was my favourite episode!
      Father Ted must’ve been one of the funniest things ever written.
      Morning Mr F, how goes it?

      • Morning,Mr.Cunt-Engine.
        Morning All.
        It’s going well,ta. Father Ted was up there with the best.

        How are you and your Gay Moustache ?

      • No moustache at the moment…attempting to get a pre-Christmas shag off of one of my neighbours. She doesn’t like moustaches so I have to admit to wimping out like a cucked pussy and getting rid.
        To be fair though, she is fit and 35 and I’m 48 and ugly as sun, so if I’m successful, it’ll be a major win!

      • I bet you’ve employed some Prodigals in your time Mr Fiddler. Got sick of the tree felling and demanding their wages? And off for a night in Newcastle swilling Newki Brown and a then a fight then a shag round Geordie Shore.
        But in the morning he comes to his senses – ‘No I will return to Mr fiddler’s employ…he will forgive me’
        And you see him the next morning coming over the brow of the hill all disheveled and you run to him and gather him into your arms.

  4. Sean and Paddy are in a shipwreck and find themselves in the middle of the ocean in a lifeboat with no food and water.
    On the third day they are really fucking thirsty and getting desperate.
    Paddy accidentally rubs against a lamp on the stern of the boat and a genie 🧞‍♀️ appears. He says “you can have one wish but you have to be quick.”
    Paddy says “can you turn the sea into Guinness?” The genie clicks his fingers and disappears and suddenly they are in an ocean of Guinness.
    They are leaning over the side of the boat scooping it up with their hands and loving it.
    After about ten minutes Sean says “Paddy you fucking eejit……now we’ll have to piss in the boat!”

  5. This sends the wrong message.
    Hard work, duty, loyalty and a agricultural life are dismissed in favour of some biblical new age traveller type?
    Thats the problem with the bible,
    Its got no morals.

    • Given that the story advocates being a bone idle wastrel, who only turns up when all the work is done to reap the benefits, I’m surprised it is in the Bible.
      it is more suited to the teachings of the Quran.

      • Or the UK benefits system – “and it came to pass that Saint Marcus of Manc waved his virtue signalling hands and the Judean Jellyfish made it rain four score and ten maccy d’s”..
        Apologies MP, afraid I didn’t read the bible much!

  6. Not sure what’s being cunted here.
    All three in the parable should have been gassed.
    That usually irons out any difficulties.
    Meanwhile, back in the real world. Now that The Jellyfish’s brain has left Downing St. We can expect the Brexit sellout to be revealed very soon.
    Father Fintan Stack …. LOL 😀
    Morning all.

    • Morning Jack.

      If Cummings was Johnson’s brain, why did he push that spin about the Withdrawal Agreement sellout being an “oven ready deal” when he must have known it was “the second worst deal in history” as Nigel rightly described it?

      The Jellyfish’s brain had a whole year to reverse the Brexit sellout if he’d wanted to – good fucking riddance to the little shit.

      • The cunt’s already got a new brain transplant. Flip Flop the Jellyfish is now powered by the new green machine Princess Nut Nuts. Another total cunt.

  7. With mixed belief about the colours of those in the bible there is no way that these are a darkèy family. My conclusion is reached by two facts.
    A: the brother is working 14 hours,
    B: the dad stuck around.

  8. Surely the lesson here is “don’t do anything for any cunt ever, unless it directly benefits you”.
    Principles I wholeheartedly stand by. Being utterly selfish is so much easier in life and removes any frustrating ambiguities.

  9. The only bible character I relate to is the little donkey,
    Humble, put upon, hairy, well hung etc
    The bit where Jesus raises the dead is a bit George Romero,
    Zombies shouldn’t be seen as a good thing.
    Soon be one in the White house.

    • Morning MNC. My ex-in laws were all churchy as fuck and it didn’t go down well when I pointed out that Jesus was the first zombie.
      An old joke to be sure, but they’d never heard it, the sanctimonious pricks!

      • Morning Thomas,
        Got to be careful of inlaws and jokes,
        Especially if theyre holy rollers!

        Did you enjoy winding them up?
        I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself!
        The easily offended are my favourite target!😀😀

      • Not too much, preachiness aside, they were thoroughly decent people.
        I did buy a black metal CD off eBay ‘cos it had a severed goat’s head and an upside down cross on the cover then left left it on their coffee table “by accident”! That didn’t go down too well.
        Nor did my statement of “all religion is a pathetic crutch for the weak and the foolish”.

      • Ill have that carved on my marble sarcophagus for the thousands of weeping fans to read Moggs.😁

  10. An even worse parable…the father who gives his two sons an equal sum of money to look after for 7 years. The first secures the money safely where it will not be found, the second invests the money. After 7 years the the two sons return the money to their father. The son who has made the money grow reaps the praise of his father. The son who has simply protected what is father gave him returns the cash without profit and earns the fury of the father.

    Now what the parable says here is, risk your dosh in Ladbrokes and investmenbt Banking, and if you don’t then you are a cunt.

    Never ever understood that parable

      • Father,

        Can you help me? There is another Parable I have difficulty with. The one that tells of the master who goes out in the early morning and employs some labourers to work in the fields. Then he goes out in the afternoon to employ some more. Then he goes out in the early evening to employ more-with only an hour of the day’s vwork left!. But this is the terrible thing when it comes to paying their wages he pays them ALL THE SAME AMOUNT. It seems to me to be against all NATUAL JUSTUCE.
        I suppose the meaning of it is that you should be happy with your lot. Not to be bothered about the fortunes of others. But I find that one hard to understand.

  12. What’s this ‘Bible’? Sounds like a book about keeping the proles under the thumb or else a big bogeyman will get you when you snuff it? Don’t the peacefuls have a similar one about shagging virgins if they kill enough of whitey when the top themselves?

  14. The only parable we need to be wary of is ‘once upon a time, there was a scruffy beared twat called Mo-something, and he shagged a nine year old alongside killing anyone who didn’t agree with his shitty delusions’.

    • If the Rapture is real, let’s hope Jesus returns in 500 foot tall 9 year old girl form and destroys Bradford first, starting with stomping all the m0śquės to smithereens during evening prayers.

      • Big J and a gun totin’ golem, here to clean up mudslime city – this is gonna be biblical!
        And god – stop drowning every bugger in the world so Noah can indulge his incest and bestiality fantasies – what the fuck were you thinking? 🤦‍♂️

  15. I understand you thinking Mr Polly, a carry on about the lazy feckless want freebies and gimmies lefty woke cunts that want things paid for someone else.. Got ya they’re utter cunts.

    Mr nice nice Everyonesacunt :- now I like the idea of forgiveness, Love for ones fellow man but it really needs to be shown by everyone especially the peaceful cunts. Sadly it’s not….

  16. And what about that one involving a good Samaritan. Mug more like. That traveller lying beaten and robbed was probably just a malingerer looking to top up his bennies by pretending to be homeless.

    Whatever, the poor sod would find it hard to find a good Samaritan these days, what with the whole “Hands, face, space” routine.

  17. Religion arose when man became intelligent enough to ask the big questions, but not intelligent enough to answer them…

  18. Haha 🤣🤣Brilliant summary. you should consider rewriting the Bible so that we all understand it!!

  19. I think it’s a test. If someone is still there after listening to that, they are most likely to chuck a few quid in the collection box, to help keep the king of the fiddykiddlers in gold hats.

  20. The lesson of the parable is Grace. Fortunately for us cunts God treats us based on His character and integrity not ours. The “good son” thought he was more deserving but that is not the point. The “bad son” did suffer greatly for his selfishness for sure. Love forgives and forgets and moves on. The “good son” should have joined in the rejoicing instead of asking ” Hey Daddy what about me?”. He was actually the worse cunt.

  21. Just had a look on what Christianity.com has to say about this parable.

    Jesus was telling his parable to a big crowd including Pharisees and his followers. Despite the mixed audience, apparently Jesus was talking directly to the sanctimonious Pharisee cunts and teachers of the law. He was aiming straight into the darkness of their hearts, pleading with them to lay aside their trust in their own righteousness and works.

    Context makes a big difference. CNN should learn from this!

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