The first Christmas advert of October

Some catalogue company, featuring the obligatory multi racial family, the first of an impending torrent of advertising crap until December 24th.
Christmas adverts, fuck off.

Nominated by: mystic mavenย 

76 thoughts on “The first Christmas advert of October

  1. There is a company called Park Hampers who start their dreary TV advertising campaign (on the niche channels like Talking Pictures) in January for the following year, bastards,

    They have had Xmas puddings and such in Sainsburys since the late summer bank holiday, and they wonder why the punters are pissed off long before Xmas. It’s a load of trite bogus bullshit.

    • And I really fucking hate the adverts with groaning tables of food – no-one will be allowed to socialise and most of it will be straight in the bin.

  2. Holidays are coming,holidays are coming…
    Christmas isnt far off, good!
    I like the tree ,the turkey,
    Drinking ale, carols, and lets not forget baby jesus and donkeys.

    Merry Christmas yer filthy animals!!๐Ÿบ๐Ÿป๐Ÿฅ‚๐ŸŽ„โ›„โ˜ƒ๏ธ

  3. I’m dreading the “Christmas” adverts. It will be worse this year as there will be umpteen mixed race families (apparently only 2.1% of households, not that you’d think that by the numbers on tv). There will be mozzers “celebrating”Christmas and poofs aplenty. Nowhere will the true meaning of Christmas be – it’s all about selling plastic tat from China.

    • China – the country that got us into the shitty situation we have found ourselves in for three quarters of this year. Ironic isn’t it, making a group of greasy flabby faced yellow bastards even richer.

      • The peacefuls always look confused to me, as if to say “Shouldn’t we be stuffing 20 kilos of nails into a rucksack rather than this infidel halal turkey?”.

  4. Christmas begins on Christmas eve at 7PM. pissed, in a petrol station.
    “There you are my dearest, a nice can for diesel and an ice scraper! Put that down, stop swearing, don’t be silly now”..๐Ÿƒโ€โ™‚๏ธ

    • Im betting your on the “naughty list” as usual Foxy?
      Not me!!
      Ive been a little angel this year.
      Helping old bags across the road,
      Holding doors open for women and raspberries,
      And been drinking diluted pine floorcleaner so it smells nice when I piss through a pakis letterbox,
      See thoughtful?!!
      Youll do well to emulate me might get on Father Christmas ‘good boy list’!
      You coming the carol service with LL me and Fiddler?

      • Carol service you say? Will there be payment from the grateful householders? An invite in for a sherry and mince pie – you and Sir Fiddler engaging in small talk as I am clearing the place of discreetly sized valuables? Giving any nosey middle class bastards a smack as we hare off with the last of the sherry and half their jewelry?
        Count me in – with my wonderful warm baritone and Sir Fiddlers novelty act “the three canine tenors” we could clean up – especially if we have it away with the charity boxes (some are chained to the bar but I usually carry knuckledusters and bolt croppers! ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ‘) from the pubs we will be visiting as we go!
        I sense a fiscally advantageous seasonal opportunity – and as I am a monster and get fk all for Christmas I can spend my unexpected windfall on getting shitfaced, acceptable!

      • Ah mince pies…… as served by Dame Reg, Lord Mandy, Owen Jones, Faerie Wishaw to name but a few.

        Count me out!

      • To complete your festive fun don’t forget the new KTel CD “Jess Phillips Sings Christmas” – old favourites given the Jess treatment – the new Jingle Bells – Jiggle Balls, Jiggle Bals, Jiggle All the Way – an old film song Georgie Girl (“Hey there Nancy Boy, mincing down the street so fancy free”). Traditional fare like “We Three Queens”, for BLM year a selection of Harry Belafonte classics (Scarlet Jamrags). and Paul Robeson , Louis Armstrong (What A Fucking Awful World) (Ole Wimmin River) Jess sings while Kweer swings (if we can find a rope and a beam). Jess Sings Christmas with the Swinging Strings of Kweer Charmer. Make your Xmas complete.

  5. All I want for Christmas, and any other day of the year if truth be told, is for that insanely irritating cunt in the Asda adverts to be whisked away by alien spaceships and the cunt to be anally probed to the point where his annoying voice and hair deserve to be like they are. Once the little green men have had their fun and posted their results on the Venus Interweb, perhaps they could deposit the remains into Unkle Terrys oven for incineration. As to Christmas and multi racial ads, go get fucked, none will make me buy their tat, all they do is make me more determined to take my custom elsewhere.

    • Hear hear. I’ll second that. What an absolute cunt he is. Every time I see the advert or hear the cunt I genuinely feel like going postal….grrrrrr

  6. I no longer watch TV, do I donโ€™t have to endure the shit. Itโ€™s a good job really, I really donโ€™t like Cuntmas, I usually fuck off somewhere not Xmassy, like Iraq or Beirut.

  7. I’m waiting for the Govt. Christmas ad. campaign telling us that they’ve banned Crackers ( the joke inside could cause someone’s sides to split with laughter),turkey ( possibility of someone putting an eye out when pulling the wish-bone and wishing that Boris would Get Stuffed,just like the turkey),sprouts ( chance of the gas igniting when you fart causing the house to burn and kill everyone inside),Christmas tree (chance of bauble hitting someone on the head causing them to go mental and slaughter an entire town) etc.

    Nanny knows best,,,it’s all for our own good….Comply or you’re a callous,death-causing Cunt.

    • Dick you auditioning for the ISAC nativity play?
      As admins favourite I was allowed to pick my role!
      Im the donkey,
      Calm, serene, Gentle yet well hung.
      Asked if I wanted to be Joseph but im anti-Semitic.
      No thanks!!

      • Didn’t admin tell you that Krav is making a one off return to IsAC land as the back end of the donkey?

      • I only took the role of innkeeper so I could tell Joseph and Mary to fuck off and that we are fully blocked booked with dinghy gimmigrants paid for by the govt.

      • I”ll be The Innkeeper…it’ll not unduly stretch my acting abilities when I tell you all to “Fuck Off”

      • As ISACs director for the arts theyve asked me to also do a ‘Christmas Carol”
        But not read it!
        Only seen the Muppets version.
        Going to get Bertie Blunt and Dick dribbler to adlib from a theatre box like Stadler &waldorf in the muppets.
        Spoons is Bob Cratchett
        Im the ghost of Christmas present,
        Fiddler youll have to fight Rtc
        For Scrooge.

      • I’ll be Jesus, we all know Jesus was a dark Jew…not the whitey you find in the Church’s here. I’ll play the role well.

      • @ B+WC…..The Virgin Mary still hasn’t recovered from your performance last year…she may still be a “virgin” in the technical sense but I’m not sure that she can really still claim to be “pure” having suffered your appalling oral attentions.

      • Bloody hell, MNC. I sometimes think you’ve smuggled a miniature camera into the Cunter Rookery.
        There was I, working on a post which was to include details of the ISAC Christmas Carol.
        I actually had you down for the Ghost Of Christmas Present, knowing how much you enjoy the festive season.
        The Fiddler was to be Scrooge.
        B+WC as Jacob Robert Marley.
        Sir Limpley as Ghost of Christmas Past It.
        Unkle Terry as The Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come. ( The Horror ….. the horror )
        That’s as far as I’d got.
        Please curtail your surveillance.
        If Ethel catches you peeping, I cannot be held responsible for her actions, even when heavily sedated ( 90% of the time ), she’s still a handful.
        Everyone in the Rookery avoids her.
        You have been warned.
        Good evening MNC.
        Good evening all.

      • DF, There was a rumour going around that I tried to tongue the lady who plays the Virgin’s bumhole through the costume she was wearing. Apparently when she wondered aaaaht on stage for her big part the costume was wedged up her bumhole such was the power of the alleged tonguing…
        If course I know naffink abaaaaaht it.

    • I will happily be a wise man or the shepherd as was always cast as one in School.

      Singing is banned as are relatives visiting hugging kissing playing music too loud as well as mulled wine as that causes Covid as does Turkey and Gravy oh and Santa is cultural appropraition towards people from the North Pole.I hate Xmas but am looking forward to the country finally telling the Stasi ,Blow Jo ,Twat Handoncock Whitless and unbalanced to fuck off to the North Pole and take their rules and shove them up their arses causing anal and rectal frostbite.Cunts.The British people myself included have payed to much attention to these doom mongers

  8. I wonder what will happen to social distancing in the week up to Christmas, I fucking hate it, shops and supermarkets rammed with cunts who think that closing for two days maximum means they have to shop like it will be shut for a fucking month.
    Christmas should be kicked into the long grass, what a total waste of money

    Bah Humbug!!!

    • Since Tesco now has a ‘traffic light’ system that closes the doors when the store is at capacity, there are going to be literal trolley wars. All the festive entertainment I need!

  9. In the words of my fellow long standing cunter HBelinda Hubbard.
    ‘Im dreaming of a shite Christmas’ ๐Ÿ˜

    And shite it will be, but not as shite as next year when loads of people will be going to the food bank for dinner.
    Not me of course… I’m generous and I’ll throw the bones from my Organic turkey aaaaht the window to help aaaaht the poor.
    Go fuck yourselves.

    • BWC@
      As someone who knows the true spirit of Christmas ive hired some newly unemployed to sing carols all Christmas day!
      Its nearly minimum wage im paying and a mince pie each.
      Hours 8am till 9am.
      Got 130 at the moment.

      • True entrepreneurial spirit there MNC. ๐Ÿ˜
        You should tell them all the money earned will go to charity and they should work for free…then get daaahn the pub and enjoy spending it all.
        They won’t know any better.

      • I have told them its for charity,
        A new one!
        ‘helping Northern workingmen against tory covid poverty’
        Andy Burnhams donated a few quid๐Ÿ‘
        And that scouse mayor sent me some tracksuit bottoms.

    • Seen you abaaaht SS, are you another dark key like me?
      There are so many dark key’s on here it should be called ‘is a Dark key’…
      Rumour has it that Dick Fiddler is a Black Rastafarian, Ruff tuff Creampuff is Chinese, Miserable Northern Cunt is an American Indian and Allan is an Aboriginie.
      Bloody dark key’s taking over the place.

  10. I love Christmas, but, the mixed-race couple in EVERY fucking advert, Christmas or not, is making my blood pressure dangerously high…

    • I find it amusing when they put christmas jumpers on the blacks in the adverts. Attempting to make them look less like violent, rapey savages.
      Kinda like getting a peaceful to stroke a baby bear or something.
      This christmas is going to suck balls for massive amounts of people (thanks to the government, shady bankers and slitty-eyed dog eaters).
      If I had a heart, it would go out to them.

      • Thomas your single now,
        Get a whore in for yuletide!
        Half decent one not some crackhead.
        Have her dressy as a slutty elf or a saucy reindeer or summat?
        Dont like to think of you on your own, wanking like a jap under the tree lights.
        Get a brass in and right a article for us maybe with pictures?
        Of her, not you .

      • Fear not, MMC.
        I’ve transformed into a shirt lifter who fancies jolly old men with white beards and one’s coming round christmas day to show me a good time.
        Not Santa though, he was going to be too busy after a busy night.
        So Jeremy Corbyn’s coming round and has promised to give me a Yuletide “full Barrymoreing”, whatever that means.
        Sounds sexy though!

      • Long as your not lonely?
        Dont want see you on those Salvation Army Christmas ads,
        You wrapped in a blanket shivering while some cunt plays the trumpet!
        Get full of viagra, monkey glands, spanish fly and get some prostitute in.
        Pay by cheque!
        They love that๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ™„

      • I’ve got a plan actually…once the kids go back to their mother’s chrimbo afternoon, I’m going to smoke a camberwell carrot, drink some port and watch “It’s a Wonderful Life”. I always wondered what the film would be like if you were stoned…

      • Thomas- Wizard of Oz and Dark Side Of The Moon would be more appropriate.
        Followed by Withnail and a selection of beverages.

  11. Yes won’t be long before the Coca Cola Christmas Road Train is back.

    A huge truck wending its way through a snowy landscape.

    I mean, coke is so christmassy isn’t it?

      • Evening Ruff.
        Know how I did a very popular deeply intellectual nom on John Wayne?
        Well hes fuckin haunting me!
        Just had me tea and turned the telly on..John Wayne!๐Ÿ˜ฆ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
        She wore a yellow ribbon.
        He jinxed my phone breaking it when the nom came out
        And keeps cropping up?
        Reckon I should get a exorcist in?
        Maybe a medium and apologise?
        If Id of known he was so vengeful id not of took the mick.

        Whats your advice for dealing with the angry spirit of film cowboys?

      • Your best bet is to look online for an exorcist/make sure you get a proper priest not a kiddly fiddler

  12. Merry motherfuckin Christmas and have a fucked up New Year.

    So ring them bells, ring them bells
    She’s takin’ it all the way
    Oh what fun it is to watch her suck my dick this way

    That’s from me and Easy E so suck it up.

  13. Ho ho ho fucking ho!

    Thanks to the collective thoughts and words of you ISACers, every day feels like Christmas๐Ÿ˜€

    You fuckers๐Ÿ˜„

    • Every day feels like christmas, CG?
      Disappointment, family arguments, eating too much shite, watching bollocks on telly and getting pissed?
      Yup, sounds like christmas day.

      • Aye Thomas, the only difference is, since Covid, the Muppets are in the telly every-fucking-day๐Ÿ‘Ž

  14. Luckily once the Magic Carpet Riders have bred us out all this nonsense will be forgotten.
    And of course illegal.

  15. Anyway the announcement from NASA about the moon has finally come through. It is made of green cheese.

  16. I read somewhere that farmers have been told to starve their turkeys to make sure they feed only six. Don’t suppose the lazy wankers at the RSPCA will do anything about it. The advice probably came from those cunts at SAGE!

    • I’m now awaiting with bated breath JR’s input on the interplay between SAGE, Turkeys (Turkies?), Christmas, stuffing/being stuffed… etc.

      I think Bob Monckhouse dedicated a whole chapter of his gag-Bible to this very theme. Minus the SAGE bit, obviously, but quite possibly with the addition of Salvia Divinorum.

    • Wouldn`t surprise me with those miserly cunts at SAGE.They are like an oncologist who everytime you see them tells you how many percent of people have survived as long as you or a Doctor who tells all his elderly patients not to have a glass of wine as they may fall and break a hip burdening the NHS and then telling them they statistically should have died 8 years ago.Wouldnt want them treating me that is for sure.

  17. Never stuffed or cooked a turkey. The only culinary advice I can give is….

    Should you ever overcook your rice and it’s a bit soggy, don’t throw it away, just leave it overnight in a bowl of mobile phones….

    • Be sure to offer silica gel stuffed mushrooms instead as the “Vegan option” in that eventuality, JR. Preferably the coloured type containing cobalt salts to be on the (un)safe side.

  18. I dont have a TV at the moment and am glad of it saw a Facebook post the other month saying the John Lewis advert will be some poor old man all alone in his flat then the postman delivers parcel with a computer and hezooms his family and all is well again.If that is the case I will be apoplectic with rage.Can already see it happening and today Jason Leech and wee Jimmy Krankie were talking about preperaing for a digital Christmas.Shove that up your flabby arseholes.I will not have the government telling me not to see my family at Christmas.Will definitely do so.Parents are ageing and not in fantastic health plus my father is in ill health and isn`t being given heart surgery he needs so could be his last.Fucking not celebrating it with him over Zoom!

  19. I reckon Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will be the only white person on the BBC this Christmas.

    Well, apart from that unfunny bogtrotting tranny cunt Mrs Brown, that is.

  20. I’m sure the ghost of headless Bethan could play one of the ghosts. That deaded Derek Accorah could be one as well. “Alright there, Scrooge? I’m da ghost of christmas like”.

    • โ€œ โ€˜right there Scrooge la, get yer purse out mate-I got sum tea-towels in da cart, 5 fer a shillinโ€™ la. Go on mate.โ€

  21. Christmas…..
    A time for families to be forced into a small area where they can continue the fights and animosity that keeps them apart for the rest of the year.
    Add to that recipe for disaster the added ingredient of alcohol.
    Don’t even mention the ‘gifts’
    My kids and I pretty much ignore the whole thing.
    A few items of food slightly fancier than the norm, a bottle of good single malt and some quality herb is our tradition!
    No ‘gifts’

  22. but but but we aren’t having christmas this year – boris said so – so why are they advertising stuff – surely, we should be planning for the next full lockdown and do without all this unnecessary non-essential bollocks – especially in wales??

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