Software Developers

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Software developers are cunts. There are a myriad of reasons why this is so, but I will restrict my venting to just 3.

This nomination is a bit specialist, so I’ve edited it multiple times to make it as concise as I could and understandable to non-IT folk. Here goes…

1/ Because they trade off non-IT people’s insatiable desire to see something ‘cool’ and ‘amazing’ on a computer screen.

IT infrastructures which are well designed, engineered, maintained and documented and which are also secure, scalable, resilient and highly performant don’t happen by accident. It takes much time, effort and no little skill to create these platforms. But to software developers, it’s boring. Nobody really sees it, so to them it doesn’t matter. However, Little Johnny Programmer creates a new pull down menu option on the Accounts Payable screen and everyone whips their dicks out and wanks over his keyboard. That’s where the real IT skill is, right? FFS! The systems, network, storage, database and security administrators all collectively shake their heads, roll their eyes and think to themselves, “If we hadn’t done our jobs properly, Little Johnny Programmer WOULDN’T HAVE A FUCKING JOB”!

It’s a bit like an architect and construction company which designs, plans and builds a beautiful mansion. Then some spotty 17 year old intern shows up 5 minutes before its unveiling, attaches a front door bell and promptly wins an industry design award.

2/ Because they get away with fucking murder disguised as (a lack of) productivity and progress.

IT professionals with top skills, knowledge and experience are in short supply. The demand for new software systems has outpaced that supply by some margin for many years. The IT industry’s answer to bridging that gap was to dream up a new approach to software development called Rapid Application Development (RAD). RAD has evolved and mutated many times over the years. A current incarnation of its bullshit is known as Agile. Agile is NOT a software development methodology. It’s a manifesto and anyone who says different is an ignorant cunt. Agile does away with the traditional phases of software development (Analysis, Design, Development, Testing and Implementation). Instead, it focuses on just writing software in short bursts called sprints. A sprint is often just 2 weeks long!

Capturing end user requirements has always been a challenge. Users lie, mislead and leave out important details about how they do their jobs and what they need a new computer system to do. One technique which can help flesh out user requirements is called Prototyping. It pre-dates RAD and Agile by decades. With Prototyping a dumbass programmer with a paper thin understanding of a business process will quickly code some basic screen layouts with minimal field validation, process flow or interfaces to other systems. Once a user can actually see something working on a screen, it’s more likely they’ll be able to provide greater detail about what they actually want and need from the finished software. In the Agile universe, that first bare bones prototype IS the finished software. Detailed user requirements documented, validated and verified? Nope. All data elements with their validation rules defined? Nope. All business processing and interface rules defined? Nope. System and integration test plans designed and executed? Take a fucking guess!

To the IT Manager it looks like progress because Little Johnny Programmer wrote 1000 lines of code in the last 2 weeks. The follow up question should be, how much of that work adheres to the coding standards (if they have any), is reusable and won’t need to be re-done over and over again as new requirements emerge or evolve? Try 10% and you’re being optimistic. It’s a bit like some arse clown making all the doors and windows for a new house without knowing how many walls or rooms it will have. Too few? Too many? The right size? The right style? Who fucking knows? It’s all guess work and a perfect example of simply making it up as you go along. You just couldn’t make this shit up!

3/ Because they’re fucking lazy.

In over 30 years of working within the IT industry, I have yet to meet a programmer who actually gives a shit about efficiency and performance. Once a programmer solves a problem, they move onto the next one. They never take an objective look at their code and ask themselves if there’s a more efficient or faster way to achieve the same thing. The result is crap and inefficient code which causes system bottlenecks, slow downs and in some cases, whole systems to just freeze up once they go live. While all the Little Johnny Programmers are high fiving each other in the break room celebrating a job well done, the system, network, storage and database administrators are trying to figure out why a process which should be sub-second is actually taking an hour to run. After all, it’s THEIR problem now!

So stop calling yourselves Software Engineers because you’re not. You’re all lazy, incompetent and bullshitting cunts.

 

Nominated by: Imitation Yank 

77 thoughts on “Software Developers”

  1. Eh,..hmmm, I’ll be honest here, only ‘software’ I know is my sheepskin underpants.

    • I bet that bird in the header pic of the “Can I touch your hair?” nom, probably gave you some “hardware”

  2. “A bit specialist”? You may as well have written this in Russian.
    “Understandable to non IT folk?”
    Big fail, for this cunt.

    • Sorry Freddie. 🙁

      I’ll break it down for you:

      1. They do something simple or trivial, then get lauded like they’ve split the atom. Cunts.
      2. They make shit up as they go along causing other IT folks untold problems and headaches. Cunts.
      3. They’re fucking lazy and don’t give a shit about how their code adversely impacts other IT components or systems. Cunts.

      Hopefully that’s bare bones enough. Cheers – IY.

      • Why didn’t you say that in the first place 😂

        But I followed your drift in the nom 👍

        A long time ago I created a nice little database using access, the manager thought it was great, little did he know it was quite simple as everything is already done, just need to know how it works and press the right buttons and link a few bits. I didn’t let on how easy it was.

  3. I’ve worked in IT for over two decades, I’ve worked with developers. None of them are normal, met some that go to Star Wars conventions, none of them have social skills and most of them are somewhere on the special needs scale.

    • This ^

      Devs and designers are different breeds and never the Twain shall meet. Devs are odd.

    • 6DV – That stereotype is so close to the truth, it’s not even funny anymore.

      Social skills on the special needs scale. Loved that!

  4. Quite prepared to take your word on this one IY. I know bugger all about IT,but product development in most industries these days is much the same. Get a design from some spoty faced CAD monkey. Then get the skilled lads on the shopfloor to get it to work after a fashion, get it sold! Then spend the R&D/ preproduction time that should have been used initially making it cheaper and nastier!!

  5. Totally agree here. I own a company that designs and builds systems for various industries. I started off as a programmer twenty five years ago and fuck that. I solely design the front ends now, much more fun if you don’t get meddling clients or have to design by committee these days (unfortunately every cunt is a designer now). The amount of shite I have to hear on a daily basis about how he or she has done this and that and it’s not the ‘correct way’. Each and everyone of the senior devs always has a different method. And the bastards can never make it look exactly as it was originally designed, I even give them the css and all manner of svg’s. I despair I really do, Eddie…

    • Ta muchly, Insignif.

      The ‘design by committee’ thing is all too real. Developers are such a bunch of know-it-alls too.

      If just a few of them had said “no” to Java, imagine how many millions of man hours would not have been lost trying to unravel that bullshit’s mess. Could it have been done in C? Yep! Cunts!!!!

      • I get it within my own company! You get all sort of falling’s out and all sorts.”Well, if he’d done it properly in teh first place!” and at the same time I have another going, “He’s doing it all wrong…”

        Just make it work ffs, I don’t give a fuck anymore, and make sure you correctly comment and document it. I guess it’s not too bad these days, we have brought up a few interns that’ve ben tought well from a couple of the older boys, so at least they all get along well.

      • and I’m not even sure what they use anymore, I stay way out of it. I was brought up on C, C++ and .asp. Learnt a bit of java but never got along with it, hence the turn to Front end.

      • Fucking Java. I wish I’d been at the water cooler in the office of Sun Microsystems when those two cunts who invented it got talking. I would have slapped the shit out of both of them.

        Ooooo but Java’s power is its portability. Write once, deploy anywhere – so the claim goes.

        Really, then what’s the JRE (Java Runtime Environment) for then? Hmmm….that’s the software layer that lets Java run on a given platform or architecture. How’s that magically different to native compilation? Answer is, it’s not and it’s worse because Java is interpreted whereas compiled code runs as machine code. Still not convinced? Let’s talk about Java’s memory management and address space issues. Yep, thought not. Java can fuck off.

    • No problem understanding the initial nomination and all subsequent comments right up to “css” and “svgs”.
      Searched the acronym, slang and urban dictionary sites and the possibilities are endless. Some of them even not obcene. So wtf are these tlas?

      • CSS I believe is Cascading Style Sheets. Has something to do with web browser stuff and how web pages are rendered. I think.

        I’m not going to claim any knowledge of what SVGS is. Absolutely no idea. If it’s not database related, then it’s gay.

  7. I considered a career as a programmer back in the early 80s and the arrival of the Sinclair machines, and their easy-to-learn machine code, and then some COBOL, Pascal, C++, SQL and good old VB.

    But I quickly got bored with all that faffing about and moved onto the hardware side, and have remained so for the last 25 years.

    20+ of those years were spent with a large IT company, who had their own in-house dev and designers (in the old days they were just called coders or programmers). They were savvy enough to know how fast hardware architecture was moving (especially with storage, memory and processing). As a consequence they were always demanding more tin, more drive arrays, more processors, more stacked memory in order to run their hugely bloated and inefficient applications.

    Back in the 80s and 90s when those resources were hugely expensive, programmers had to make do, and became very efficient with the resources they had. But these days they’re never satisfied: always demanding more hardware to make up for their lazy coding & naff design.

    The hardware boys in my team detested the coders; and I’m sure the coders didn’t like us much.

    Not that it made much difference because with the advent of the Cloud and PaaS, IaaS, DCaaS and SaaS et al a lot of human resources both on the hardware and software front were made redundant and shipped overseas to cheaper cunts in Romania, India and China.

    • My first job out of uni was as a programmer.

      It was my ambition to become one and when I achieved that, I realised I hated it.

      The trouble with IT is it tries to re-invent stuff and claim that it’s new. The Cloud being the latest example, but since you mentioned Pascal I’ll comment on that.

      Several years ago, developer types got raging hard ons over Object Orientated Programming (OOP), believing it to be new and the latest thing, so it must be great. Nope. You could develop abstraction and encapsulation in Pascal. Pascal itself morphed into a new language called Modula-2. It had polymorphism features. These languages pre-dated OOP by decades. So once again, developers can fuck off.

  8. Trump 2020 land slide. Dems fixing the vote with fraudulent mail in ballots. US army defending the US from enemies “foreign and domestic” shells silicone valley with smart bombs taking out …………..

  9. Know fuck all about programming, but as an end user, I despise the cunts. A software update should be something you look forward to, bugs fixed, leaner interface, new tools, quicker loading times, etc. In reality, it’s something to dread, as one of the basement dwelling pricks will change a layout to a less efficient format, add extra steps to a task, and maybe do away with a useful feature, and introduce more bugs, slower loading times, yada yada.
    Because these cunts have no idea how a normal person thinks, and have but a fleeting relationship with both logic and reality, their show off shit will only impress other like minded cunts. Why tap a screen twice when you can look like you’re imputing coordinates to send the millennium falcon to a galaxy far far away, where incel cunts like them can wank over manga cartoons.

    • Software updates….yep, a point well made GJ.

      The software industry is the only industry I can think of where they knowingly sell faulty product and are allowed to get away with it. There’s a never ending stream of security patches, bug fixes, updates and upgrades. So what you initially bought was flawed and everyone just accepts it.

      Ever had a Windows update that completely fucking something which was working fine before the update?

      • Windows, iOS, Android, all suffer from cuntness. The you add the programmes and apps, and all the soul crushing battery killing bollocks they do. Cunts.

  10. I know fuck all about the nom but I do know that every fucking update, Windows and Excel in particular, makes things worse.

  13. Great cunting but I’m going to take issue with a few points.

    There’s a difference between firms that use technology as a means to an end and technology firms for whom it IS an end. For the former, just good enough is good enough, for the latter not good enough is death.

    In a bank, for instance, you’re customers have no grasp of the underlying complexity of the infrastructure of the tools you deliver. The pressure to deliver quickly exceeds the urge to deliver quality. Sad but true. All of your remarks about underlying infrastructure complexity is spot on. But, it’s software that makes it all run.

    On your second point, see above, and: Agile is fucking moronic and deserves a cunting if it’s own. I’ve considered it but assumed it would not fly in this forum. Early responses to this cunting would seem to confirm that. Agile is fucking perverse bullshit way to run all but a few types of development. Waterfall has its own problems. In my opinion there is no one methodology for all, believing that there is is beyond ignorant.

    Software engineers are lazy and not really engineers. Well that’s like saying farmers or construction folks are lazy. The category is too broad. But yes, many of them are and the halfwits that do front-end and claim all the creds, as you describe, are the skid marks in the collective underpants of the industry.

    The problem with technology in general is that it has gotten so critical to everything we do faster than we figured out how to do it right. As a result there ARE lots of cunts freeloading and in the process slowing things down and making a mess.

    It’s a good cunting.

    • Thanks for the follow up, Recuntable.

      I knew that many cunters wouldn’t be onboard with this nom and went back and forth about posting it. In the end, I figured there would be enough IT savvy folks to get what I was on about.

      You’re right about fucking Agile being bullshit and deserving of its own cunting. It will probably never get one, so I’ll share this experience with you as I know you’ll get it.

      I’m a DBA, so I like order, process, standards and well, basically doing things properly. The Agile crowd want to code everything in the client and treat the database like an agnostic data bucket. Cunts. So they start demanding additional tables, views, etc. to make their lives easier. Often doing then undoing their own requests or conflicting with something someone else on their team needs or wants. The DBA puts a stop to that by making them think and submitting a database change request. The retaliate by flooding the DBA with more changes than they can cope with. They then complain to management that the DBA is the bottleneck, is inhibiting progress and that they could deliver on time and within budget if they designed the database themselves. 15 developers versus 1 DBA means it easier for the manager to deal with 1 pissed off employee rather than 15.

      So the developers get their own way, “design” a crock of shit, then use fait accompli to force the DBA to release a bullshit schema into production. What happens? It doesn’t scale, doesn’t perform and causes mysterious application freezes. By which time the developers are working on their next project and the DBA has to unravel their fucking mess which they tried desperately to avoid in the first place.

      The moral: UI developers know fuck all about databases so don’t let them design anything to do with them. DBAs don’t float over to developers’ desks and tell them how to write their application code, so developers shouldn’t stick their fucking noses into database issues. Utter scum sucking bastard filth!

      • The abuse of RDBMS’s is in my experience common. Just add a table, do another join, create a view etc… Use the DB, abuse the DB and inevitably blame the DB when it goes tits up. Through this lens so called “software engineers” are quite obviously cunts in the first degree.

        Referring back to my first point, most of them know they ought to build a data access layer hiding the SQL behind an API but most stakeholders, like our fellow cunters, haven’t a clue what any of that means and think it sounds like a load of bollocks. Just get it fucking done! Ok, l could make it good but since you don’t give a shit I’ll just bodge it, take your money and fuck off to the next gig.

        I’m not an SE btw.. just saying

      • Oh my gosh, Recuntable. You are SO on the money here.

        So what you’re describing is called the “thick” database or “SmartDB” approach. Where the business rules are coded in the database. So instead of the app developers writing direct calls the DB (select, insert, update & delete SQL calls), they instead use a TAPI or Table API.That frees them up from having to know the structure of the database and allows them to focus on what they’re good at – making the user screens look pretty and easy to use.

        Using this approach though requires a level of enlightenment which rarely exists in IT departments. It also requires 2 different sets of developers. Application developers and database developers.

        The DB developers can fully leverage the underlying DB technology without the app developers knowing or caring what’s going on. It also frees up the DBA to change the schema design as new requirements emerge. As long as the TAPI stays static, there’s no change needed to the application code.

        It’s a powerful solution to a tricky problem, but nearly always meets massive resistance from the app developers because they see it as losing control and handing the keys to the kingdom to the database fraternity. Management is often too stupid and weak to see the benefits of keeping the processing on the server while keeping the client side lightweight and fast.

        I could go on and on and on, but I won’t.

  14. You tea drinking phony Texan! What the fuck kind of uber-specialized cunting is this? Everyone who’s ever turned on a computer, smart phone or tablet knows the people who design software are the spawn of Satan.

    Next time use smaller words so us non-IT cunts can understand what the fuck you’re saying.

    (And I never want to hear the phrase “user error” again!)

    😁 🖥️ 🔌 🖱️ 📀

    • “tea drinking phony Texan”??

      Guilty!

      “people who design software are the spawn of Satan”

      I see you correct, General. Well said.

      • That was supposed to read:

        Gun totin,’ tea drinkin’, phony Texan. Sorry for the omission.

        Without my entire panel of emogis, I fear my warped sense of humor doesn’t always come across.

        😁

      • LOL.

        You’ve reminded me General, I need to clean my revolver. I need to get to the range soon too. After a couple of hundred more 38S rounds, I’ll feel ready to fire some .357 magnum ammo. Yikes!

    • Yep. The whole “expert” thing bothers me. I’ve been a DBA (Database Administrator) for over 30 years. I know a ton about databases (one in particular, but I’ll leave it there), but I would never claim to be an expert. There’s just so much I don’t know and I’m humbled by that. I think it’s up to others to refer to you as an expert because it may appear that way to them.

      Unfortunately there are some (many?) in my industry who are self appointed experts who claim that moral high ground by regurgitating sections from technical manuals. Absolute cunts. The “glitterati” as I refer to them. The attention seekers – look at me…look at me…..look at what I know……I’m smarter than you…..blah blah blah. They can all fuck off.

  16. My only experience of this was working for a large company that wanted a new system despite the old one working just fine. Some cunt came every day and was closeted with management for several days. Several months later the software was implemented. It was a disaster. Management loved it because their bit, that they used perhaps once a month, worked. But the people it was supposedly written for, and who needed to use it daily, were left high and dry as they were the only people not consulted. Management was hopping up and down telling staff to get some bloody work done but even the slight amount that the new system would allow a grunt to do took 5 times as long. It was scrapped shortly after. Fuck only knows what it cost.

    • moggie63 – this is all too familiar. See this many, many times.

      While something like this is ultimately a failure of management and leadership, the following is still universally true:

      Poor software can render the best hardware inoperable and unusable.

  17. You cunts are way too clever and this is way too techy for me but I’d just like to say Nine Gig Flange Coupling Database Interface East of Java with Agile Ram….

    Nice to see you clocking in IY….

  18. This type of Masturbation is not work, lame workshy millennials blue skying limp ideas over a flat white whilst championing any liberal bullshit, get fucked you tossers.!

  19. I started off as a hardware engineer and software worked on great stacks of punched cards or reels of perforated paper or silver mylar 2 inch wide tape. Sometimes even magnetic rings with wire wound round. Yes I am old.
    From then on I worked constantly with sw writers, coders, wranglers, whatever, and I admired what they did and the product always pleased the customer.
    The common remark when a system went wrong following some keyboard action was “Why did you do that?”
    What was illogical to them was an unconscious or other-logic action on the part of the user.
    I enjoyed working with them and respected what they did.

  20. Y2K, really says it all about programmers.

    Admittedly they incorporated just the “19” within their hardwired coding and thus were able to reduce the standard 8 character date format (ddmmyyyy) down to just the six (ddmmyy). This was due to expensive storage for ancient mainframes and minis back in the 60s and 70s.

    But rather than arguing the point about compliance issues at the turn of the 21stC, programmers back then just kept quiet and make it someone else’s problem.

    So come the late 90s and the onset of the Y2K issue everyone goes into meltdown because they think their applications might not be compliant for date-based calculations (for example, “01/01/00” would screw some programmes because it would think it meant 01/01/1900!)

    As for Win10 – what an unmitigated pile of shite, especially their half-baked updates!

    • Ahhhh Techno, the days of yore. I remember the Y2K debacle well. Flicking through my weekly copies of Computing and Computer Weekly, I’d see companies claiming to be “experts” in Y2K conversions and the like.

      Experts, huh? THIS HAD NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED BEFORE!!

      The IT industry. A mixture of smoke, mirrors and vapourware designed to part you from your cash.

  21. My first computer programme was something like this on the ZX81

    10 PRINT
    20 PRINT “FUCK OFF!”
    30 GOTO 10

  23. This cunting, although slightly out of my lane, makes me think of my brother. A 50 year old, obese virgin (probably) who doesn’t drive, plays Dungeons and Dragons and wears Metallica t-shirts is an IT project manager. A classic example of somebody very much removed from real life who is employed to implement software for those who don’t work in a fantasy realm….

  25. I’ve spent nearly 30 years in IT, hated nearly every gig I was at, only did it for the money. Sometimes think I wasted my life.

    Last few gigs, I’ve been the Scrum Master. Hate the wankers who think they are better than everyone else so don’t have to give an estimate or update the Scrum board or they decide to work on something completely different. Then there’s the one’s that release their buggy code without a care in the world or others who over engineer everything or ones that are just dishonest. Then there’s the fucking users who say I want x and if they are lucky to get their working x they turn around and say I didn’t want x, I want y. Cunts.

    Easier herding cats.

  26. I’ve worked in IT for over 20 years. I have worked for 5 companies, 2 of which went bust. Both those that went bust had only 2 or 3 customers. For 6 years I worked for a bank which had huge variations in pay, horrible bosses and wasted massive amounts of money.

    Sales people who sell the dream of a computer system or software package to companies who usually need the system, but to survive the company must have multiple customers all requiring support, security upgrades, core updates etc. At the same time the operating system and hardware may need to be updated because all these companies also need to sell software to survive – usually under the guise of “security updates”.

    A software company might buy a product and customise it a bit for their customers. Fair enough, but some customers need a lot of specialisation. If you have multiple customers needing multiple products all with their own specialisation you need a lot of staff.

    When you add a version control system like git into the mix, Jira, auto-builds, QA departments, multiple language support you get a stressful mix of shit. It’s not the software developer’s fault. It’s meeting customers expectations to provide build a business that makes enough to pay their wages.

    Good software developers always consider performance. In 2003 my team leader who was supposedly a top programmer from London on about £45k-50k and who had worked with an investment company who wrote a stock download system that took 3m28s to run every morning. It was too slow and holding up other operations. I was in Glasgow on less than half and rewrote his code. My code downloaded the same information and updated the stock information in 0.75s. Knowledge and ability doesn’t always mean you get big rewards.

    Like any job my mate says, “The working man cannot win”. Unless you are the boss you will probably be treated badly with no pay rises 🙁

    • Good story, Anton. Well done for speeding that process up by such a huge margin.

      I had a similar one a few years back. Was working for a software company who were in the final stages of performance testing a new release of their enterprise asset management system. Long story short…after a 2 hour test the DBAs in India would spend between 6 and 8 hours restoring the database before a new test phase could be run. I showed up, looked at what they were doing and changed the way they were doing it by leveraging some functionality built into the database. 6 to 8 hours became 3 to 4 minutes. Fucking idiots! Vud vud vud a thousand apologies – my arse.

  27. This nom and much of its spawn of the bewilderingly prolix and dull-as-dishwater subsequent thread of comments puts the worst excesses of banter about The Arsenal and Leeds United to utter shame.

    Top marks for that Yank: accept no imitations

  28. O’i avven a fokkin clue wot you’m onnabout. Oi don’ no nutthen ‘bout theese ‘ere computerz that youm towneez ‘aave. There be a roomer goin’ rown the vellidge that Farmer Jago up the big owse az got eezelf one of they things an ee uzes it to waatch blokes avvin sex with annamuls.
    Load of bollox if you asks me. In moi famlee uz been waatchin stuff loike thaat loive! forr jennerasians.

  29. I don’t know if videogames are software, but I do like the side scrolling ones and the point and click ones of yesteryear.

    • P.s I’ve not had a computer for a long time now.

      If I get the chance to play the following games again:
      Captain Comic, Prince of Persia, Duke Nukem 3D, Doom, Quake, Heretic, Wolfenstein 3D, Blake Stone, The Dig, Full Throttle, Sam & Max Hit The Road, Gabriel Knight 2, Return To Zork, Space Quest 6, Beneath A Steel Sky, and Star Trek The Next A Final Unity, I would be very happy.

      One day.

      • Hi Spoons.

        Yes, all video games are software.

        PCs are pretty cheap these days, so you could probably afford to get ‘back in the game’ so to speak. The challenge though is, modern hardware and operating systems won’t run these classic games. However, there’s always a solution!

        On Windows 10, you could run something called DOSBox (it’s free) which effectively emulates the graphics hardware and Windows version which originally ran the games you mentioned.

        The other option is to get a games console and buy a video game collection (one disc which contains dozens of games). I have several myself which feature original versions of classic games like Space Invaders, Doom, Wolf 3D, etc. Might be simpler and more accessible than dealing with a computer.

  30. I’m lost. All the IT people where I work are cunts as they never fix the problems I raise and then close the job down saying it is complete when the cunts have done nothing. Utter, Utter cunts (even though the nom is a bit above my understanding)

    • There’s a special place in hell reserved for the cunts who work in Desktop Support. Populated by thick cunty nerds who installed a Windows Service Pack once and now think they are at one with The Matrix. What many of us do at home to keep our own gear running, these clowns think is a proper job and/or career. It’s sad in a way.

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