I decided to have a stroll this evening to work off a good dinner and some beer.I set aaahhht (©B&WC 2020) in quite high spirits.
As soon as I stepped out I noticed my cunty neighbour’s bin was still blocking my drive (work at home forever types) so I had to shift it out of the way then when I get to the bottom of my street.
I saw a black family stood around admiring the new life sized back seat window sticker of the pope waving his blessings adorning their blacked out 4×4.
50 yards down I took a cut into one of two fields near me and took a sigh of relief. Then along comes two chavvy bints gassing yet glued to their phones with a Dachshund who makes a bee line straight for me.
With all animals I find usually find getting down close to their level helps with excitement or aggression. Once I heard the shrieking from the twats calling it back I had second thoughts and ended up getting nipped on the ankle.
“Soz Mista!” and they were off. Deciding to head straight home the next step was back round the loop and the Asian invasion had started. The second field adjacent to the first was now filled with Turbanators practising everything from stick combat to attempted footy. Not a white lad to be seen.
A solid hundred meters of parked up BMW X5&6’s, those shit Range Rovers that look half compacted and the obligatory yacht like Benz, turning the road into a one lane street with all the obligatory backlog of traffic.
I was whistling like a kettle when I got back. What’s the fucking point.
Nominated by: Ernst Stavro Cuntfeld
Good nom. Leaving your front door is a cunt. Even for me in the Cairngorms. I don’t think “look at the lovely mountains” but rather “what type of cunt drops litter in this environment?”. Then I wonder why every tourist’s SUV needs a roofbox. When I was a kid, a family of four went camping in a VW Beatle. No roofboxes then. Then there’s the bearded outdoorsy cunts – all VW van but never go into the mountains. Throw in the caravanners and that’s my walk totally ruined.
14
Jesus BWC, made me feel sorry for you that!
Alfred Wainwright didnt have them problems did he?!
Nowt better than a stroll in the hills, with your dick out
Or a meander through open field or deep forest with your dick out,
Its a englishmans birthright by jingo!!
You need a big dog BWC
Clears problem away,
Dachund gone
Asians gone
Black family gone
Its lovely.
6
Actually it might be because I have my dick out rather than the dog on reflection.
3
MNC – I know how much you love the heat so I thought I’d let you know it was already 31 degrees here today and it’s only fucking September.
I feel warmer than a lost backpacker tossed on the fire by a Northumbrian gentleman farmer of my acquaintance.
8
CMC I had booked 3 weeks in Aus over Xmas and New Year.
Initially staying with my old school friend who emigrated in 2003 and who resides in Melbourne, Victoria to be precise.
It’s a trip I’ve wanted to do for years and as we’re both 50 in December I thought it was time.
My mate is forever saying Cunty come and get some Australian sun on your back at Xmas rather than the miserable fucking northern weather.
1st week in Melbourne then hiring a camper and travelling up to Brisbane over the following weeks and back, spending New Year on the Gold Coast.
To say I’m fucking gutted that it’s now not happening is an understatement!!
3
Jesus Mike, I couldnt function in that heat,
Id have to stay in one of those walk in freezer for meat.😣
Fiddler makes out he doesnt like cyclists or ramblers but a mate of mine said he was hillwalking round those parts and a ruddy faced friendly farmer was pumping up a flat tyre for a cyclist and make them tea and toast afterwards!
I think Dicks the type whod welcome a visit from picnicking families from the inner city with a cheerful “how do!!”✋
4
Morning Miserable.
Pray tell, who is this BWC person you are addressing in your comment? Spooky coincidence that he has precisely the same problems as the nominator, Ernest Stavro Cuntfeld….
6
Oh yeah!
Hehehe
😀😀
Sorry Stavros!
Thought it was BWCs nom.
Advice stays the same
Big dog + cock out=nice walk.
4
Morning Ruff,
You go for a stroll?
I imagine Portmeiron is quite a nice place for it?
4
Yep, I go out for two 30 minute walks a day.
Going out right now in fact. Got a parcel to post. The bint behind the counter at the post office don’t half give me the fucking horn!
9
Whats the parcel?
Sorry for being nosey but you seem keen to get it out early doors?
Not something mucky is it?
Didnt come with free trial of ‘spanish fly’?😀
2
New Cunts Vol. 83
http://www.vintagemags.org/category/new-cunts/
Nah, it was a cd I sold on eBay: Psychedelic Microdots Vol.3.
I wouldn’t dream of parting with any volume from my complete collection of New Cunts.
2
I’ve just wet my self Ruff one. I thought you were taking the piss when you said the CD you sold was ‘Psychedelic Microdots vol 3.’
You didn’t mention, did you Duckie, that the subtitle for the album shown on the cover is “My Rainbow Life?” You didn’t buy it at the time in life when you were experimenting?
😂😂😂
2
I made a big mistake Bertie! That track “My Rainbow Life” was recorded at least 45 years before the rainbow was culturally appropriated by the LGBTQXYZ community. 🙄🤣
4
I know. You’re very discriminating with your music and have excellent tastes. This is all down to the record shop you ran. Did you own it?
What do you mean “fuck off you nosey cunt?”
😀
3
Yes Bertie, I did own the last record shop I ran.
It was called Helter Skelter, in homage to Charles Manson. Not a lot of my customers knew that….
Don’t bother trying to find it on the internet, there’s no reference. I sold it in 1990.
4
Going for a walk? That’s fucking suspicious for a start. What the fuck are you up to?
9
Spend a week in my shoes Frederick the French, and you’d more than understand.
0
I do enjoy a good hill walk.
Unfortunately many of the local beauty spots have become infested with The Filthy Curry Club so I have to avoid them.
It only started when “lockdown” set off.
So overall it’s a bit fucked.
The bedsheets wearing vermin.
6
Mrs Guzzi and me used to enjoy Guzzi-ing up to Carsington Reservoir for a walk and an ice cream but now it always seems to be full of the carpet brigade who have no idea about social distancing. An ice cream is not worth the risk.
2
Go a pig farm.
Wont get the carpet kissers there!
Can have a nice day out then.
5
Or a soap factory. You out in the Peak District this weekend Miserable? Hopefully no random Gays to distress your dog this time.
3
Certainly LL.
Come rain or shine, sunday is sacred, walk in the peaks, roast dinner, few pints.
Hey LL, you said you grew up in Peterborough?
Jobs just come in for Market Depping?
Know it?
2
Not really Miserable, played Sunday league football there a few times as a lad. Lots of Dooshkas around that area now working in picking/packing farming produce. You get around with your removals business don’t you?
2
Mainly its local work,
Stockport, peak district and cheshire.
But been all over the bleeding place,
Another removal lad I know recently went Denmark!!
2
I live opposite a pig farm Mnc! not a magic carpet rider anywhere Fucking bliss.
7
See? Surprised its not full of picnickers, tourists an the like Nobby?
Escaping the Asian plague.
Nowt wrong with pig farms!
Had my honeymoon at a pig farm!
5
That’s a load of porkies for a start.
3
Busted.
Ok, who squealed?
😀
3
I went out for a walk. It was business as usual round here, chavs and inbred chavs. Alot of the chavs here are openly racist so it’s not the best environment for our more cultural, less cultured friend.
I mean we (the workers) have to pay for the chavs but they do keep certain other types at bay so I suppose it is a sort of symbiotic relationship.
6
Like that guy who was “going for a walk” and had bottles of vodka and whiskey hidden in the hedgerow…classy.
One see an awful lot of vagabonds on the streets these days so I avoid going anywhere on foot.
3
All rather quaint and peaceful up here in the western bit of the Lake District.
Ot at least it was until the tourists started winding their way up these parts and causing the usual seasoning mayhem of double-parking, blocking roads, and hiking through the Fells in the most inappropriate of shoes and clothing. And to then end up getting lost or stuck because of a sudden change in the weather, and expect the rescue services to bail them out asap and free of charge!
Then there’s all the cyclists getting in the way of everyone – but we already know what cunts they are!
But at least most of the tourists they do visit are wealthy North Americans, Scandinavians or Japs – so its not all bad
Tourism is a double-edged sword: we need them to keep our local economy afloat; but they’re a right pain in the fucking arse at times!
5
Techno@
Whenever Im walking in the Lakes I wear a short vest that exposes my midriff and some swimming trunks I got from a Barnados charity shop.
I stay cool even on a hot day!
Admittedly a bit of a gay look but I dont overheat!
And if the weather takes a turn for the worst I get that free helicopter ride back to Grasmere.😀👍
8
And what is it with all these discarded Covid masks cluttering up the pavement these days? What are cunts doing? “Ooh! I’ve been wearing this one for long enough now. I’ll leave it here in the street in case anybody needs it later. And pop a new one on that I can drop in the gutter later as well.”
Cunts.
10
Too many people in this tiny land of England. We are completely overloaded, as the birth rate had been falling faster than a brick down a lift shaft the only logical explanation for our sudden massive increase in people is mass unlimited immigration. No other explanation makes sense. We have too many people. Not hard to figure out but why does our democratically elected government ignore the biggest Elephant in the room in the history of Elephants when the majority of those who elected them consider immigration to be a real time problem that needs sorting now, useless cunts all, no British Government has been fit for purpose for years and the conniving coverup bastards before them were shite as well
14
Out one day walking to my brothers village from mine, a distance of about four miles there were literally hundreds of plastic bottles/cans/Maccy D packages on the grass verges.
What sort of ignorant cunts do this?
10
I had a little wander yesterday, and the McDonald’s litter, which is still about like chav confetti, is now being outnumbered by disposable masks. Sorry, shouldn’t call them masks, that implies they actually work, face coverings.
Incidentally, everyone I’ve seen who is not wearing a face covering in supermarkets is a fat cunt. Funny how a bit of soon to be litter stops them breathing, but they can breathe just fine shovelling pizza and burgers down their throats. Or the 40 a day red band superkings.
5
Litter makes my piss boil
1
Let’s hope Covid19 gets a grip of these non social distancing cunts and wipes a few out for you so you can have a peaceful walk
1
They wouldn’t know even if they did get covid.
Like most of the population.
4
Apologies
I Read the nomination as going for a wank, not going for a walk.
But often in my world, those two activities coincide, and I can combine a couple of my favourite’ pastimes’ on a sunny afternoon.
I’m barred from all the local parks btw.
0