Wagon Wheels

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I’ve always loved chocolate biscuits; Blue Ribands, McVitie’s dark chocolate half-covered, Cadbury’s chocolate fingers… You name it, I’ll eat it.

But there’s always an exception to the rule, and in my case, that exception is the mess that is a Wagon Wheel. In the dim and distant past of my childhood, a kindly aunt once gave me one of these as a treat, which of course I was duty bound to finish.

Its particular nauseating blend of chocolate, marshmallow and biscuit was how I imagine eating sickly plasticine would taste. I’ve not eaten another in the sixty-odd years since.

That is, until today.

The wife and I are currently enjoying a few days away with the family, and earlier my elder granddaughter came up to me with cup and tea and asked ‘would you like a Wagon Wheel, grandad?’. Now I didn’t even know that these things were still made. Memory prompted me to decline the offer, but she persisted; ‘go on grandad, they’re great, you’ll love them’.

Oh well, I thought, why not? Taste can change, and perhaps I’ve been wrong for all these years, so I took a bite. Fucking hell, it was even worse than I recall. The cunts at Burton’s have heightened the nausea factor even further by putting jam into the mix. Uckityfuck!.

‘The maverick of the biscuit world, with an epic sense of adventure’, speels the Burton’s Biscuits website. You’ve got to be fucking joking. I wouldn’t eat this crap if I was offered a lifetime’s supply for free.

Nominated by: Ron Knee

67 thoughts on “Wagon Wheels”

  1. It’s all about individual taste Ron. You hate Wagon Wheels I fucking love ‘em……what’s your problem? Don’t eat the fuckers.
    But it’s definitely true that they were bigger back in the day. People say to me…… but your mouth was much smaller in those days. Yeah, but my fucking eyes weren’t were they you cunt? I know when i’m being mugged off so go and fuck yourself.

    • Not eating Wagon Wheels is probably racist.

      Or sexist.

      Or Islamophobic.

      Wibble.

      (Cadbury’s Chocolate Fingers, will be banned sooner or later. Racist etc. – day admin)

    • Oh absolutely Fred. This is a subjective cunting, a bit like The Beatles yesterday. It comes down to taste in the end. Love them, hate them, indifferent to them.

  2. I’m surprised the woke brigade allow them to exist. Don’t they hark back to the days of the Wild West and injuns?

    I’ve never really understood the British taste for biscuits. They all taste the same to me like eating sweetened plywood.

  3. I am surprised they haven’t become a target for SJW’s and wokeflakes over their American frontier/wild west theme and oppressing the Injuns. Good cunting Ron, you can have too much going on in a sweet snack sometimes.

  4. “They used to be much bigger” people say.
    And for once they’re right.
    I remember when a wagon wheel was a 2man lift, just fit one in the back of a Robin Reliant, people used them as dining tables.
    Not my favourite but id eat one, prefer Tunnocks teacakes.

    • I fucking love Tunnock’s Tea Cakes but you can’t get them round my way anymore. I believe they are Scottish in origin so i’m blaming Wee Jimmy for depriving us of them. Fucking bitch.
      When the Jocks go independent we’ll see how many the Frogs and Squareheads want to buy. Fuck all would be my estimation.

      • Yep, Tunnocks are indeed the bollocks and Scottish,
        I like their chocolate wafers too.
        Sell both in Aldi up here Freddie not sure about down south?

      • I’ve been in my newly opened Aldi twice in the last six months and everything i’ve bought in there is fucking inedible shite which i’ve ended up lobbing out. Some of it was going to the foxes but I took pity on the poor cunts. Fucking Krauts.

      • Aldi???? Fuck-all wrong with them. They do a bar of chocolate, less than a quid for a big bar, that’s so fine it’s like Blondie’s (back in the day) cum juices trickling down your throat.

      • I go to Aldi for a limited number of items which are good value but I agree a lot of their stuff is shite.

      • I too love Tunnocks Tea Cakes, but the fuckers have been absent from supermarket shelves where I live, and for some time now.

        I blame Fat Boab Salmond – he looks like he has confiscated England’s stock for his own consumption.

      • Or my Father in Law Paul He loves the things Morrisons is your friend they have tons of them

      • Waitrose has them as well in both milk and dark varieties for £1.00 for a box of six.

  5. My son used to have one of those foul things every day in his school lunch box for afters – it is a wonder he had any teeth left by 16, but jam in it? – that sounds vile and must have caused lots of fillings and cavities. What a thing to think about before breakfast.

  7. I swear Wagon Wheels have gotten smaller as with everything. Even cadburys creme eggs are smaller.

    My tummy has gotten bigger though.

    P.s. I saw this. It made me laugh.

    https://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/not-just-any-biscuit.htm

    P.s. Ron, you should write to the company that makes Wagon Wheels. See if you can arrange an interview. I love your interviews and news reports. 🙂

    P.p.s I do like some biscuits. But lately I’ve been enjoying that Jamaican ginger cake.

    • I did a cunting a while ago on the subject of the Great Shrinking Chocolate Bar Scandal, Spoons. You’re right, everything’s gotten smaller, and prices go up. What particularly prompted my ire on that occasion was how the fuckers at Nestlé pissed about with the shape of a Toblerone, making the gaps between the chunks bigger, and hiking the price to boot. Fucking chiseling cunts.
      Jamaican ginger cake, now you’re talking. Anybody on here from the Brum area old enough to remember Wimbush’s legendary honey cake? Thought makes my mouth water even after fifty years.

  8. Food from childhood ? I remember as a small child being forced to eat some kind of set pudding ( can’t remember it’s name) made from the milk of a cow that had just calved…colostrum milk. The milk was bright yellow with solid stringy lumps running through it.
    I couldn’t stand it but do wonder if robbing all those calves of that drop of good stuff accounts for the fact that I’m never ill….colostrum is full of stuff that newborns need to help build resistance to disease apparently.

    Wagon Wheels are shit.

    • No fuckin pleasing some people is there?
      You dont like your colostrum pudding you dont like wagon Wheels,
      Are Tunnocks acceptable Dick?
      Would you like the waitress to bring them to your room?
      😁
      Morning!

      • I only eat Cartwright and Butler luxury biscuits..they aren’t available at Aldi…although I am partial to a Mars bar when I drink Guinness at the Rugby Club.

        Morning MNC
        Morning All.

      • Remember my grandad used to buy big bags of broken biscuits off the market, and a chocolate biscuit called ‘Dundee biscuits’ they were massive heavy shortbread, covered on one side in milk chocolate, best biscuits ive ever had not seen them in years.
        Sometimes park the van near mcVities factory in Levenshulme and theyre cooking the chocolate biscuits,..what heaven must smell like.

        (My mother used to work at Cadbury’s Bournville in Brum donkey’s years ago. And every Thursday evening she’d bring back home a big bag of reject chocolate. Nothing wrong with the taste just misshapen. Loved it for awhile, but after about a couple of months I could barely look at another chocolate bar for ages! – day admin)

      • A girl I knew used to work in a sweet factory in Manchester. She was given a big bag of sweets every week and it got to the stage even her large group of friends turned them down.

  10. Never liked WWs – big or small. Vile tasteless things that more or less glued your teeth together, especially when partially melted in a warm school lunchbox.

    Used to love Curly Wurlys, Bar 6, Ice Breaker, Aztec, Prize, and good old fashioned chunkie Yorkie Bars. All food of the Gods back in the 70s.

    Wagon Wheels – Food of the Cunts.

  11. Lady Creampuff likes wagon wheels. I do not.

    I’m a McVitie’s milk chocolate digestives man me.

    Also partial to Patterson’s shortbread fingers.

    🎶 If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit join our Club 🎶

    No. I wouldn’t join any club that would have a cunt like me as a member.

    Good morning.

    • Morning Ruff.
      I too am a fan of mcVities chocolate digestives, the smell of them baking in the factory is beyond belief❤❤
      Do you know donkeys love ginger nuts?
      Its true.
      They see me coming and trot across the field for their ginger biscuits☺

  13. ” I wouldn’t eat this crap if I was offered a lifetime’s supply for free.”

    Given that you’ve stated it was 60+ years ago you last tried a WW, surely a “lifetime’s” supply wouldn’t amount to that many, Ron ? How many years you got left, mate ?!!

    (I whole heartedly concur, though, unpalatable plastic-tasting shite)

      • Ha Ha ! “old son” indeed, Ron – Maybe you could be my Father – assuming you’d impregnated my Mother when you were 12 !!

        Carry on cunting for many a year yet, Sir !

  14. Wagon Wheels you used to be able to buy the orange ones now sadly discounted 👎
    The original ones are are horrible and sickly I wonder if the Beatles ate them in the 60s obviously Paul McCartney wouldn’t buy any as he’s as tight fisted as a Scotsman’s purse he’d scrounge one the wanker 👎

    • If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit join our club
      Now that,s a biscuit
      Should read discontinued auto spell check on laptops shite

  15. I tend to like those chocolate teacakes on the rare times I have them.

  17. I have a problem with wagon wheels (and any other chocolate) if it’s in the house I will eat it, the only cure for me is not to buy anything in quantities more that 1.

    • That is why I don’t buy multipacks of mini rolls. I’d end up eating them all within a day.

    • And nowadays it’s not even proper chocolate, just a ‘chocolate flavoured coating’, no doubt at a tenth of the cost to the manufacturer but with no corresponding reduction in the price to the consumer.

  19. Wagon Wheels were awesome when I was a kid, can’t get them anymore well I haven’t seen them for many years. Also when I was a kid there use to be Jam in the middle the last time I had one, maybe 20 years ago this feature appeared to have disappeared from the centre. Maybe to save the children from obesity? All chocolate biscuits bars these days they seem to be getting smaller and smaller again probably to save the children’s health?… Robbing bastards.. Now Penguin biscuits can fuck off they are cunts.

  20. Small world, Admin! I worked at Bournville in the offices one summer break and used to chat to some of the factory workers. They told me that Cadbury’s allowed them to take chocs from the sweet track to eat as they worked, so that they didn’t have to nick them.. How generous you’d think, until you realise that after a couple of days, no one could stomach another. What used to put me off was the sickly reek of the chocolate; you could smell the place from about a mile off.

    (Agreed – my mother couldn’t stand the smell/taste of cocoa beans they used in some of their chocolate bars. She brought home bars of Fruit & Nut, Fingers, Digestives etc. – all reject, but tasted great for the first few days. But OMG even now I cringe at those memories when my mother brought another sackful home! Good job I liked PE at school. Could have been a right FB back then! – day admin)

  21. Good cunting! Wagon wheels, imo, have always been one of the blandest and most tasteless biscuits ever. As the guy who started the thread indicated, that fucking plasticine texture that Burton’s tries to pass as a marshmallow filling is woeful; it’s akin to chewing polystyrene (and I’m not being hyperbolic when I say this). Give me a Kit-Kat and a couple of Jaffa Cakes any fucking day. Fuck Wagon Wheels to hell!

    PS: If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit join our club (Ooohhherr, missus, I say).

    • Kit-kats are brill, but I ain’t touched one in protest since those cunts at Nestlé stopped putting them in the silver foil. Running your finger along the individual slots in the foil was an essential part of the Kit-kat experience. As my mate Big Al used to say, there was something almost erotic about it. We need a Freudian to give us an expert opinion on the underlying meaning of this to the subconscious…

      • Didn’t even notice Nestle had done away with the foil. And, yeah, I too used to put my thumb up the centre of the foil and then break it in two (very probably, as you say, a subconscious sexual act; didn’t even realise I was doing it, the more I think about it).

        PS: Kudos to the other posters for mentioning Penguins — they really are the nadir of the biscuit world!

  22. Only remember having one or two while I was at primary school, didn’t like them much but there were so many other chocolate things to choose from. Forty years later I had toblerones, mars bars, milky ways and those large kit kat things from Sainsburys all taking up a shelf in my fridge till I got diagnosed with diabetes. Never touched chocolate since. It would be wonderful to eat a bar of Cadburys dairy milk.

  23. To be fair Ron. they have cut them down in size (I reckon to about a third of what used to be – around 1960) so you don’t have to eat as much of them. They have also quadrupled in price so you can’t afford to buy too many of them. I don’t know what else they can do to help people like you!

    • Only trouble is, I just end up eating three times as many, which of course, is great for the manufacturer’s profits. You can’t win!!

  24. If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit join our club
    Now that,s a biscuit

  25. I remember going to Old Trafford or Maine Road in the 70s and Wagon Wheels really were the size of Wagon Wheels. Now they are probably the size of a ten pence piece.

    Them orange or mint Viscount biscuits were ace.
    And those ones that had the Manfred Mann song on the advert. ‘5-4-3-2-1’.

  26. My step dad used to bring Dundee biscuits back from the Naffi, probably nicked them, they were huge to a little tosser like me, can you still get Caramac, reminded me is set diarrhoea

  27. Fan of biscuits but not Wagon Wheels. The jam layer is pointless. I find baking relaxing when in the mood. What comes out of my oven is usually alright. Tim Tams are v. popular out here. But the cunts changed the recipe and added a galaxy of trendy flavours. Why everything nowadays needs to be salted caramel, or a hybrid of some bloody lolly in biscuit form I don’t know. But a quick glance at the size of many young people confirms they will eat everything all the time. I remember when biscuits, cakes and the like were thought of as a bit of a treat. Nowadays younger people get offended if anybody comments on their mindless gorging. Not a fan of them, either. In fact many are cunts.

  28. A shite version of a Tunnocks Teacake.

    I’ve come over all Alan Bennett.(I had to read and re-read that bit at least 3 times! – Admin)

    Send our Dudley to the corner shop to fetch some of them Tunnocks teackcakes, a box of Tetley for a brew and while yer at it a GAU-8 Avenger with DU tipped rounds’.

  29. I personally like Wagon Wheels. There’s a nice amount of chocolate. The marshmallow is actually edible (not like expanding foam insulation) and it contains a nice amount of jam. I believe there are still original Wagon Wheels without jam available, but not in Tesco’s where I live.

    Wagon Wheels really have shrunk from 75mm in diameter in the late 70s to about 66mm in diameter the last time I measured. None of this “our hands were smaller so they looked bigger” rubbish. The authoritative Viz once had an article “Save our podgy bairns” showing the decrease in size versus the increase in obesity. People don’t feel full eating one of these at a standard portion size so they eat 2 instead, increasing obesity overall. Same with packets of crisps.

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