The New European Newspaper (3)

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Hold the front page and stand by for some frightfully important news.

There have been some pointless publications in the past “Gardening With MIndfullness” (I kid you not), The Radio Times (each weekend when the schedule is nothing like they print), Hello, The Psychic News (“Good but not as good as next weeks issue), but surely the prize for the most risible, the most pointless wasre of trees – even more so than the Gemma Collins Bumper Book Of Diets, has to be “The New European” – I have cunted this “newspaper” once before, but this struggling tabloid (£3 an issue for those with more money than sense) has hit a new low, with their current buy-me-and-stop-one promotion offering you a “Remainer Passport Holder”:

https://www.subscriptionsave.co.uk/Newspapers/National-Newspapers/The-New-European/LTNSUM20

For fucks sake!. The snobbish holier-than-thou, I-am-more-intelligent-than-you motherfuckers who look down their North London noses at us common people don’t seem to have graspe that, legally, at least, we have already left the fucking EU.

Why don’t the publishers swallow theirpride and close this shitty rag down. If it does turn a prpfit, I’d like to know how so I could start up an equally fatuous paper like Flat Earth News.

Nominated by: W. C. Boggs

81 thoughts on “The New European Newspaper (3)”

  1. “Pass the vegan tofu and The New European Poppy”.
    “Oh Tarquin – stop laughing at the silly little poor people”.
    “I just can’t help myself – do you know some of the little poor people don’t have trust funds from Mummy and Daddy”?
    “How do they survive”?
    “I believe they eat chips and grurvy”.
    “How quaint”!
    KILL THEM ALL!

  3. I have a good headline for this publication:

    “Fog in English channel – Europe cut off”.

    Who reads this rag? People like Dominic Lord Snooty Greive, John Biased Bercow, Jo Your Next Prime Minister Swinson, Anna Sourface Soubury and all the other democracy-denying losers who still believe they were right and cling to the ideal of European unity. Cunts.

    I’d sooner read The Beano.

    • Just watching the BBC coverage of yet another boat full of rapefugees and gimmegrants – and juggy luggy Munchetty is asking the camera cunt to “make sure they’re alright”!
      I am fucking incredulous.

      • Printing Patel really does need to apologise to the decent, hard working citizens of the U.K. for this completely unacceptable state of affairs.
        After apologising she needs to get to grips with the situation or resign and let someone who is competent deal with the matter. Having said that a trawl through ‘Jellyfish Johnson’s’ hierarchy does not inspire any degree of confidence.

      • No Guzzi, after apologising she needs to get to grips with my man-meat the dorty fucken hooer!

      • It’s ok Vernon, Rishi Sunak has just been on the telly, he says that we’re working more closely than ever with the French, to solve the problem.
        Phew ! That’s a relief,I was getting a bit worried.
        It’ll all be over for Christmas !
        Hurrah !
        Brittania saved.
        Morning Vernon. How are things in the Land of my Father’s this morning ?

      • Problem solved, so all the boat people will be back in their own shit holes rather than our shit holes? Don’t hold your breath.

      • Morning JTC – all is well – a baking hot day in sunny Yorkshire, and if decisive Rishi is on it we can expect fuck all.
        Just like the Covid grant assistance he has denied me, and three Million others.
        But I am loving annihilating the little shit on twitter – “where’s my money Rishi four houses”?
        Prize cunt is Mr Sunak.

      • Stanley knife out, slash the fucking dingy, “here, hold this bag of bricks”. Bye!

  4. In their defence, everybody has the right to an oplnlon. Apart from us white working tax paying proud to be British types of course. Cunts, grow up!

    • To be honest, it’s about time to remove the Commons too, stuffed to the rafters with people who want us to be run by the French and Germans.

    • If we get rid of the HOL who will read the New European?
      Irrelevant greedy sly incompetent self serving traitors – get rid.

      • They probably “buy” it and charge it to expenses, Vernon. I see Dame Kweer’s Wimmins Institute (a.k.a The Labour Party) is trying to get Claire Fox removed from the list of HoL appointments. Ms. Fox is a Brexiteer who hopes the HoL can be dismantled from inside. No wonder Kweer and co don’t want her there.

    • Haven’t we always known that about Boris?

      He neither wanted nor expected to win the referendum, he just wanted to be seen as being on the “right side” so that the Tory Party membership (80% Leavers) would back him in a subsequent leadership contest.

      The cunt has ZERO integrity.

      • Sadly a common theme in the last couple of decades. A floating turd has more integrity and loyalty to its country than recent PMs. And possibly more intelligence too.

  6. Well I’m taking my daughter and my wife’s eldest two grandkids to Butlin’s in skeggy end of August as the bat plague put paid to Menorca and although I know exactly what Skegness is like ( outside butlins anyway) I’m going to get that outfit in the pic and send a pic of me to the cunt of a rag.
    On the other hand, please someone save me I don’t wanna go!!!!!!!

  7. It’s always been about Boris. He cares about nothing else.
    Like other politicians, he is shallow and self centred.
    None of them will be getting my vote. The one that will, will be wearing jack boots and carrying a flamethrower.
    The New European is a propaganda rag for sheep and democracy deniers.
    Hopefully, like the Guardian, it will slowly slide from view.
    Morning, Mr. Creampuff.
    Morning all.

    • Morning Jack. I spoiled my ballot paper at the last election rather than vote for that charlatan. Had I believed Corbyn had a rat’s chance in hell of winning the election I would have reluctantly voted Boris, but he didn’t. I’m pretty sure Boris will be gone before the next election so hopefully won’t be in a similar dilemma again.

      • Judging by the last few Tory leaders there seems to be a fundamental flaw in their leader selection process . Who, hand on heart, believes that Boris,Theresa or Cameron were ‘the right person at the right time’ to lead the party?

      • I was fairly indifferent to Cameron. I only voted for May in 2017 because we lived in a Con/Lab marginal constituency and didn’t want to risk assisting in a Corbyn victory. As it turned out Labour beat the incumbent Tory anyway, by just 800 votes, all thanks to Mavis May’s abysmal campaign. The Tories took the seat back at the last election with a healthy 5,000 majority…

      • The problem is people are getting fed up with ‘Big talk, no action Tories’ . Corbyn was obviously completely unelectable, not so sure about Kweer.

    • One vote for me then JTC! If Boris goes (which he will – he has made a lot of enemies) he will be replaced by someone just as useless.
      The Man is a snake.

  8. Morning.
    New European? For people in red jeans to read while having a croissant=bumders.

    Just occurred to me I havent read a newspaper in years!!
    Not by choice, just haven’t?
    Curse this digital age and its changing of normality!!
    All that time spent learning to read, told the teacher it was a waste of time at the time.

  10. Ha ha the picture looks more like a copy of Viz to me. Nice one admin! Is that one of the Fat Slags?!

    • It is indeed a direct ripoff of a Viz cover from a while back.
      I never missed a Viz for near on 30 years, but stopped buying it when it started to turn into The New European with tourettes…

      • Yeah thought I recognised it. Hope Viz sue the cunts for breach of copyright or something

      • Maybe send The Bacons, or Big Fucking Dave round to give em a reet good kicking… 😁

  11. I’d like to know who is financing this fascist, quisling rag because it can’t possibly be turning a profit. As for Jellyfish, for somebody who recognised that he “borrowed” all those votes he isn’t making much of an effort to hold on to them. I think this cunt’s fate will be sealed, and this country’s along with it, come December, whatever the outcome of the US election and whatever brexit stitch up prevails. Betrayed yet again!

  12. Might be worth a purchase, looks like it could be “soft, strong and very very long”

    • Don’t pay full price for it. I have been on a bit of an extended lockdown because both Mrs. Wanksock and I are on the endangered species list. I went into my local Tesco (East Midlands) earlier this week and thought I will buy a paper, the only one available was The New European.
      Lockdown resumes next week as I have a hospital routine checkup on Friday and they want me to take a swab test on Monday and then self isolate until the appointment. One of my holiday weeks too so I am well pissed off.
      At least I wasn’t going to Skeggy.

  13. Don’t know what it’s like in Skeggy but down south it’s going to be another long hot day……..perfect dinghy sailing weather. 17 boats yesterday, I wonder how many in the Armada today? But don’t worry there’s going to be an inquiry into why every cunt in the world wants to come to this racist, police state.
    I could write the results on one sheet of paper for fifty quid right now but I doubt if that would be popular among the “New Europeans”.

    • And the enquiry will conclude that we are all racists and should just be quiet as we are being invaded out of existence.

  14. Piss still on full steam from last night watching the fucking gypsies on benefits, Romanian and Slovak…. openly admitting they are here for benefits and quite happy to supplement any shortfall by stealing anything they can.

    One cunt going round London in a van collecting scrap metal… going into peoples gardens and taking anything he finds ‘if it’s outside it’s ok to take it’
    There was one extended family of 22 and none of the cunts working, free everything, this particular cunt had been previously deported for working illegally in the UK before Romania joined the EU.

    What the fuck is happening in our country,

    The New European should be burnt to the ground and the French need to be given a swift kick in the cunt for allowing these fucking illegal immigrant boats to leave France, there are too many for it not to be seen, they are just letting it happen.
    It’s time the government published the numbers returned compared to number arriving, useless cunts

    • I wonder if there’s any outrage on Twatter about these cunts?

      I somewhat doubt it: and even if there was any criticism it would be shouted down as racist, and that the program was not a true reflection etc etc.

      If only these “travellers” could find an empty home down in leafy North Islington for a few months…..

    • Of course the Frenchies are doing nothing. They get rid of their shite and the British Government bungs them our money to “solve” the problem. They are fucking laughing at us. The more they send the more money we give them! Win win for those cunts!
      When will people understand that the French hate us…..always have, always will.

    • ‘they are just letting it happen’. Of course they are. If there were large numbers of boats, full of immigrants, leaving for France I’d get a case of beer and sit on the beach, along with 1000’s of other people, applauding and cheering on their departure.

    • Thanks to your advice sick of it, i watched and my piss is still boiling. Any more suggestions?.

  15. Rightwing extremes of the national press!! WTF…… still it keeps some pathetic pretentious cunt happy in there limited single track mind.

  16. Well I am probably in the tiny minority here to have voted to stay in Europe in the Referendum (I can hear the sound of pitchforks & garden shears marching in my general direction as I speak!)

    I thought long and hard for the pros and cons on both sides, and even though the EU itself is as corrupt and contemptible as any 3rd world dictatorial government, I personally felt we would be better of staying than leaving!

    That said, I have felt not only angry, but incredibly embarrassed by the rabid actions of the so-called wise and all-knowing Remainers! And comics such as The New European, is just that – a comic taking pops at those that voted the other way, and thus ridicules them for their lack of vision, intelligence etc. and just labels them as small-minded, dim-witted, intellectually-challenged xenophobes, while not realising their own sense of irony.

    • If it is any consolation TC, my vote to leave the EU was reluctant. I am all for free trade but the creeping seizure of sovereign powers by a bunch of unelected, unaccountable cunts persuaded me to do the deed.

    • You’re in a minority of at least 6 to my knowledge. I’ve posted my reasons for voting Remain on several occasions.

      I VERY reluctantly voted Remain because I had zero confidence in our Government or Opposition to make anything other than a pig fucker’s ear out of managing independence. However following the result I got fully behind the will of the people and have thus remained ever since. But never in my lowest misgivings did I imagine things would get as bad as they have. We are now destined to end up with the worst of all possible worlds, regardless of who is in power in the foreseeable future. Brexiteers and Remainers are likely to feel aggrieved in equal measure.

      • I had similar feelings with regards our government of the time. The Conservatives are not the Tories of old, just a bunch of gutless cunts more interested in their own careers across a broad spectrum of industries both here and Europe.

        The fact that Cameron resigned shortly afterwards only went to underline this sentiment: that he was surprised by result, didn’t like it all, and subsequently fell on his sword – a Pyrrhic Victory, some might say.

        Then we ended up with other weak-minded pro-Europeans in Maybot and now Jellyfish. Neither of which were bothered about the will of the people, but have only mudded the already shit-polluted waters with their own indecisions, obfuscations and constant dithering.

        Therefore, as you rightly say, both Remainers and Brexiteers are wondering what the fuck is going on, and what road are these spineless politicians taking this country?

      • What road? The Shit Highway to Cuntsville.
        It’s a toll road by the way……..breakdowns dumped and left to rust by the side of the road.

    • The EU went to shit from the early 90’s and subsequent inclusion of Eastern Europe, free movement has been a disaster, the cunt Blair estimated maybe 70,000 would come, that worked out well!

      Fuck the EU! And we are OUT!

      (Officially we might be “out”, but not in the “absolute” way some will have hoped for – admin)

    • In leaving the EU we were inevitably going to be confronted with the stagnant cesspool that Parliament/Whitehall has become, I knew it and I suspect quite a few others did too. There was always going to be a cost to restoring sovereignty and disinfecting our govt is possibly the most unpleasant and necessary task on a long list. Worse still, in this process we will inevitably confront the reemergence of some of our less desirable characteristics that have been relatively dormant for some time (think the class system etc). But .. think of the opportunities.

      The alternative, trans nationalism aka globalism, a supranational judiciary, global fiat and the end of the nation state, in short neo-liberalism can FUCK OFF with a vengeance. Oh and just for the record I love europe.

      • Quite so. A lot of people, whatever their stance on Brexit, continue to confuse Europe with the European Union.

        Although there are 44 countries in Europe (including the UK), only 27 are part of the European Union.

        And yes – I love Europe too!

      • Europe were alright. The Final Countdown was – at least – a heayy rock track that actually made Number One.

      • I preferred Foreigner and Journey myself.
        Not ‘don’t stop believin’ though – overplayed shite.

        Separate Ways, Stone In Love, Rubicon, Be good to yourself and Chain Reaction were much better efforts.
        Steve Perry was a great singer and Neal Schon’s a very underrated guitarist.

      • I’ll stick with yer actual decent rock music, 70s Genesis, Stones, Barclay James Harvest, The Who, Hollies.

  17. A hundred New Europeans arrived already today, not even 12 o’clock yet. Breaking new records every day.

    • The Frogs must be running out of boats by now, maybe we are sending them back to be reused

      • Soon the French navy will be dropping them off on the beach and the Guardian and New European will be claiming they swam across.

    • My Mum lives in Folkestone and all you ever get on the local news is stories about boatloads of gimmiegrants day after day after day.

  19. Three quid a time is a little expensive for bog paper.
    Mind you, wiping one’s arse on The New European is all its’ fit for.

    • You could also use it as kindling to set fire to James O’Shithead’s beard.

      • Now COME ON RTC, even The New EuroBollocks has standards. Karzi paper OK, but putting it anywhere near James O’Bollocks is a bit strong.

  20. Shut the offices, shoot the staff and burn it down. That is all. Fuck off!

  21. Decent arsewiping material should the shops sell out of bog roll in ‘the next wave’.
    Place in the garage along with old copies of ‘The Cuntiad’ just in case.

  23. The people who control the country are never effected by immigration in the way ordinary people are. They are completely self serving and immigration serves a purpose for them. They will make noises and gestures but never actually do anything to stop, or even reduce it significantly. On the other hand, I’ve never known ordinary people to be so angry, and not just about the armada of asylum seekers passing through half a dozen safe countries
    Before too long, someone with a moustache will take over

  24. You’ll do better with “The Flat Earth News”.

    There are more Flat Earth Cunts out there than you realise.

    A cursory trawl through YouCunt throws up dozens of these ignorant fucking idiots and their equally cuntworthy follower cunts.

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