My Back Pain Misery

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As the wife would say, it’s a sair fecht. I’ve put my back out good and proper, and it’s a bastard misery and no mistake.

I’ve seized up tighter than a rusty lock, my lower back reduced to a throbbing mass of inflammation and pain. Sitting or lying, there’s no position that offers any real or lasting relief. Manage to drag myself upright, and I can only mince about like Elton John’s houseboy with a bad case of the Chalfonts.

To add insult to injury, I’ve got to admit that this situation has only come about due to my own inclination to excess; to wit, over-exuberance where the wife’s charms are concerned. Ironically she blames herself, and is now waiting on me hand and foot. It’s a small consolation, I suppose.

The quack says that I might be like this for another twelve to fourteen days, and has prescribed strong painkillers. I can only sit and lie this one out with whatever patience I can muster, but I’m not a good patient. What a cunt.

Er, any chance of a cup of tea, dear?

(What you want is a naked Flabbott & Swanson giving you a body-sandwich massage – Admin)

Nominated by: Ron Knee

52 thoughts on “My Back Pain Misery”

  1. You have my utmost sympathy. In the last couple of years I’ve had several episodes where I screamed just getting out of bed. I’ve had to pee in the waste paper basket next to the bed because the furthest I could get was on all fours after sort of rolling out of bed and getting to the toilet was in no way possible. Painkillers don’t work and the GP may as well be a caterer for all the help he can give. What is so fucking irritating is it just happens, no reason, overnight.

    • I’ve experienced the joys of a good old fashioned slipped disc .
      Eventually had it cut out after an MRI showed 60% compression of my spinal cord. The fucking pain was relentless. “Lay on the floor and do this exercise they said” Fine I thought, but how the fuck do I get on the floor in the first place , never mind get back up.
      Doctor prescribed 30 days of Tramadol as my consultant was on holiday and I was desperate. Took 2 doses at the correct times and threw the rest in the bin after my kids became genuinely scared of me. Fucking madness . I thought I was going insane with nowhere to escape the pain. I’m fine now though so who gives a fuck.

    • Thanks RT. I’ll find it on Amazon.
      I’m pleased and relieved to say that I’ve loosened up considerably since I wrote this up as a nom. Went out this morning and walked for an hour, and so far no repercussions. I think I’m on the mend.
      Make no mistake, a bad back’s an absolute bastard.

      • Glad to hear you’re improving Ron. But you’ll need to be on your guard from now on, the book will explain how. Backs are such treacherous chaps, it’s easy to relapse.

    • The same author has written a series of these books – Treat Your Own Back, Treat Your Own Neck and surely one you must have read Ron – Treat Your Own Knee.
      His next one, shortly to be Republished, is Treat Your Own Cock which only comes out once every ten years.

      As a fellow sufferer Ron, you have my greatest sympathy.

  4. Feel for you man. I severely injured my back when I was 19. It caused S1 and S2 vertebrae damage which resulted in my losing my right calf muscle from atrophy. Been on codeine for the last 24 years just to be able get up and about. I’m still more physically able than all of the lazy 20 odd year olds at work though.

  5. Flabbott and Swinson(?) sandwich?
    Cor blimey, Admin, is that available on the NHS? I imagine that there’s a huge waiting list…

  7. Ron – every sympathy. I too have had the indignity of pissing in a bottle. I could not get in a comfortable position for about ten days. It was painkillers and waiting for sleep to get some relief. Sadly the cause of my injury was not extra curricular

    Get well soon

  8. Well done on the romantic front Ron but awfully bad show about the crocked back.
    Glad you are up and about,your contributions here as worthy of a medal.
    Drink!

    • Thanks Unk. It doesn’t help when your missus is twelve years younger than you and a little minx, bless her. When I give up the ghost, I’ll at least arrive at the pearly gates with a big grin on my kisser!

      • While the type who finds others painful ailments funny I sympathise with you Ron.
        Not because your a nice bloke but because the law of averages say very tall removal men get back injuries.
        I know absolutely nothing about the spine and nerve system but recommend swimming,
        Loosen up the muscles!
        Ps also because watching a hunchback swimming is hilarious!😁😁👍

  9. Bad back? Never good RK – but at least the cause was worth it!
    I injured mine smacking into a tree recently – that was fun!
    Nearly pulled it again last night when I was “out clubbing!).
    Disco Fox! 😁👍

      • That’s the one CC – didn’t really see any fives but marvellous entertainment with the three(s) 😁👍

  10. When you say “lower back” just how “low” do you mean ? All this pain,inflammation and inability to sit comfortably sets alarm-bells ringing tbh.,Ron.
    Were you actually “experimenting”?

    🙂 .

  11. Modesty forbids me from going into details, Mr F. The sweaty and sordid details must remain confined to the three parties involved on the night.

  13. It is truly a cunt, Mr Knee. I’ve had lower back issues for a number of years. Herniated discs L4/5 level confirmed by MRI scanS, Pain reliever epidurals and the like. The left leg sciatic pain is so bad on occasion that I’d willing cut the bastard off. The pins and needles and left foot numbness i would not wish on anyone. The best relief apart from the much younger partner is a bottle of five of Mr Henry Westons Vintage. Far better than anything the NHS have done.

  14. I’m sorry Ron, you have no sympathy from me. A man of your age bedding a young filly who is old enough to be someone younger than you is sordid, immoral, and disgusting. I hope this will learn ya to keep the old trouser snake in it’s proper place in future, you dirty old man. (P.S. you may detect a hint of jealousy!)

    • Us cunters must stick together in adversity Ron, and I’m willing to stand in for you until you’re A1 fit.

      • I appreciate the offer old son, but I’m the only one who gets within sniffing distance of the wife’s skimpies.
        Isn’t that so dearest? (she’s looking over my shoulder right now…)

  15. Any sort of debilitating pain is indeed an utter cunt I wish you a speedy recovery sir!👍

  16. I suspect Ron, that you might have curvature of the spine.
    Now, I’m no expert. I just have a hunch.

  17. Hurt mine during a drunken shagging session 12 years ago with the result that i watched every single event of the 2008 Bejing olympics sitting bolt upright for the next fortnight.
    Naturally i told my boss that i injured it heroically moving a heavy truck part at work.

  18. My advice Ron is to throw away the Kama Sutra.
    Tell your fine ass bitch that the good Cunters of ISAC recommend she uses her yoof -full advantage by working you from above.

    If, in the meantime, she is getting frustrated, I believe B&W Cunt does home visits👍

    • Oh she does, Dog but she does…
      Bad back or not, I’m more than capable of offering the B and W speciality on a regular basis…

  19. I had a back pain 3 years ago, went to the doctor and he gave me pain killers and anti something or other, waste of time….
    There was an osteopath in my local town, so I thought fuck it I will pay to try to get some relief, made an appointment and turned up and what a result, absolutely gorgeous little French girl worked magic with her hands.
    Had a wank as soon as I got home and had three more visits, the healing power of fit totty is miraculous 😂

  20. Strange you say that Sick – my new “young lady companion” is 24 Years younger than me and most physically vigorous, and given the size of her Lola Ferrari type chestage she is much more likely to have a bad back than me!

    • Just had me tea (shepherds pie for those interested) and drinking Doom Bar amber ale got the telly on ‘now 70s’
      And had Hawkwind on with Stacia dancing💝
      She had lovely tits,
      Nice looking as well!!
      Just had a stirring in little miserable, maybe he was having a stroke!!😁😁

    • Lola Ferrari would put anyone on life support if they got trapped under those monster melons.
      Have a care if your new friend is similarly endowed VF! Or maybe it’s a case of ‘what a way to go…’

  21. Fecking years of being a chainsaw user as a park ranger lift mega lumps of wood,building footpaths and dangling from trees. I was Archaeologist digging trenches, metal detecting and bending to dig Hundreds of thousands of holes. Countless festivals sleeping in cold damp tents with little than a army surplus coat for comfort. Yet reaching for a packet of Riza of my table at home gave me Sciatica which paralyzed me from the ears down . Dreadful pain, blinking my eyes hurt, breathing hurt, moving my fingers hurt…. A Sodding Riza paper !!! how is it possible. But I found a cure stretch your back out but hanging from a door. Back pain is a prize Cunt.

  22. Two prolapsed discs, L3 and L4, the disc gunge from L3 decided to head directly for the sciatic nerve and the pain was indescribable and lasted for many months. I was totally immobile for six months and 10 years later I’m still not the man I was, left foot permanently numb.

    Back pain is a cunt indeed.

  23. I recommend using a muscle rub called Deep Freeze.
    It’s like Deep Heat but its cold (obviously) and smells nicer.

    Couple of words of warning though:
    Don’t put it on fresh out of the shower and make sure you wash your hands well once you’ve applied it.

    I had sore legs from weight training one day and rubbed it on the back and inside of my legs. Somehow managed to transfer some of it to my scrotum…
    …just take my word for it you don’t want to do that.

  24. Dog bless you, Ron.

    Will you still be able to do your exclusive interviews? Perhaps you could interview them by phone. That way you can stay comfortable in bed.

    Get well soon.

    Blessed are the cheese makers.

    • Thanks Spoons. I’m pleased to say that I’m now moving much more freely and I’m up and about.
      As for the interviews, I’ve got one lined up for next week.

  25. As a youngish chap I suffered regularly from back trouble, generally a pinched nerve or sciatica to give it a name. The pain used travel into my right leg and the scrotal area. Namely my right bollock would have this dull ache which was quite unpleasant.
    How I remember the first time this occurred after getting married. I explained to my new bride that it was helpful if she sprinkled talcum powder on my nadgers and gently massaged them that it would be a great help. She asked if it helped to relieve the pain and I said no but it would put a smile on my face.
    Needless to say we still have the talcum powder.

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