This is a bit of an off the wall nomination, but makes a change from the many (deserved) nominations for the BBC, EU etc…
Anyway, preamble over, I want to nominate limescale prevention tablets.
Following instructions on the packet, I place the tablet at the back of the washing machine drum. As soon as the cycle starts, it immediately finds its way to the front of the machine and lodges itself in the rubber seal behind the door. It stubbornly remains there as a half dissolved blob until the spin cycle, when it worms its way right into the middle of the washload and then I find a load of gritty residue in my clothes.
Do any other cunters have nominations for irritating domestic items, not including your spouse? (Vacuum Cleaners: noisy smelly fucking things the missus uses first thing Sunday mornings while I’m still in kip – Day Admin)
Nominated by: mystic maven
Yogurt cartons. Or more specifically, the lids on yogurt cartons.
These lids are of course sealed. So you have to pull the tab back in order to peel back the lid. But as soon as you do that it makes a “popping” sound, and more often than not I get splashed with friggin’ yogurt!
Same with other tinned goods, like beans or chopped toms. You pull back the ring-pull lid, you get the “popping” sound, and another splashing!
Oh, and why don’t Cross & Blackwell put ring-pulls on their tins of beans? Cunts!
Bottles of milk, where the ring-pull seals are almost impossible to open, especially if you’ve got dodgy fingers.
“Use by Dates”. You look for it on your jar of jam, for example. It says, “see lid”. So you check out the lid, not a fucking dicky bird. So you keep looking all over. And then you do see it, in very small font on the side of the fucking lid, which has been partially covered by a price sticker!
Toasters, that either under-cook your toast, or incinerate it regardless of the timer setting.
Fuck I’m in a grumpy mood now…..
13
Any microwaveable product that says “peel back lid” which then fails to do so when the product is at 1000 degrees centigrade.
14
Plastic pegs.
I cant touch one without breaking it.
Those maiden things with loads of pegs on for socks etc?
Broke every peg, bag of shite.
In fact plastic in general, probably. Chinese, can get fucked.
Oh and sort of domestic
People who invite you to their homes then ask you to take your boots off?
What your muslim?
Ill just keep my boots on and go home,missus made me come anyway didnt want to visit in the first place.
You dick.
17
I bought a couple of those peg things a few years ago, made from stainless steel, pretty much indestructible and easy to keep clean.
6
Food bought packaged in a heavy gauge foil tray with instructions to “transfer contents to an oven dish”.
17
Those fuckin’ cartons of refrigerated orange with “concentrate”
printed across them.
I stared at one for an hour the other day and it was still as strong as shit when I tried it.
7
Opening a packet of crisps. Ordinarily a piece of piss, but there are occassions when you have to apply a bit more pressure the prize the fucker open.
So much so that the bleedin’ bag rips in half showering you in crisps!
Chicken fillets or bacon – look nice and plump pre-cooked, but once they’ve been fried, grilled, boiled, whatever they’ve shrunk by 50% due to all the water that’s been injected into them.
Trying to remove lids from jars of beetroot. I bet some cunt at the cannery is having a right fucking laugh tightening the lids so much that you, the customer, have to struggle to get the thing off but without getting covered in ‘root juice.
12
Pro tip for the removing jar lids part. Just wedge a spoon underneath the rim of the lid, the moment you even slightly break the seal it will depressurise the air inside the jar and then open with ease.
9
Hit the lid with a spoon to loosen it.
2
Throw the glass jar against a brick wall and put a bucket underneath.
Watch out for shards of glass.
5
Opening a packet of peanuts, and being assailed by the smell of farts.
1
I was thinking how you could make sure the limecale tablets dissolve. What about crushing one up and mixing it in some water to form a paste, then add to machine?
11
They are not needed, a con – I have taken loads of washing machines to bits (one of my many sidelines! 😄👍) and limescale makes no difference.
To clean the internals stick a bag of ordinary salt in the drum and wash empty – done.
4
Once a month I chuck in 500g of soda crystals and a 500ml bottle of distilled vinegar then do a 60°C wash. Costs about 80p and keeps it clean.
2
To avoid the vinegar smell, use citric acid. But as 500g of soda will much more than neutralise 500ml of vinegar (2% acetic acid) there’s not much point in using vinegar at all. The soda will remove greasy deposits and corrode anything made of aluminium. Citric acid (as noted elsewhere) will slowly dissolve limescale…but limescale in washing machines is a non-problem in practice. The door seal, drive belts, door interlock and motor are far more likely to fail on you than a chalked-up heating element. On older machines, the first thing to go is usually the motorised timer switch.
Komodo says don’t bother.
3
I replaced our machine a couple of months ago because of the drain pump motor failing. I was going to repair it but it was starting to show signs of wear after 12 years so I just replaced it. Just to add, you don’t get a vinegar smell because after the wash cycle you get 3 rinse cycles. All you’re left with is a nice sparkle and a clean door seal.
1
All present & correct, Flora, spot on other than:
You need to find a better grocer. Acetic acid content of most vinegar falls between 5-8% v/v although I’ve found most to be standardised around 6% v/v (slightly less w/v).
I hope you’re keeping well. Are/were you on the Varenicline too?
4
I’m going by what I dimly remember of O level chemistry, not Wikipedia.
Get stuffed.
3
Nasty! I’m going by what I recall of S-level chemistry, although I’d be a liar if I denied using Wikipedia.
Olive 🌿? Fuck that, eh. That’s the trouble with being N Knowles. When Nobby gets it wrong, he looks a right tit, eh?
5
I thought they changed it’s name to Sellafield so it wouldn’t scare people?
10
I live just a few miles south of Sellafield, and it still glows in the dark at night time!
Reminds me of that old Ready-Brek TV commercial with kids walking to school glowing with a radioactive halo round them
14
I sweep my chimneys by catching one of the chickens,putting it in a sack,climbing up on the roof and dropping it down the pot….the flapping of it’s wings clears the soot as it falls and it emerges at the bottom pretty much none the worse for wear…at least they never taste any different when I wring their necks and eat them a couple of weeks later.
Fuck Off.
15
PS…if one does get stuck, I try and dislodge it with rods from the bottom…if it remains stuck I just set the fire away and sit by the fireplace waiting for my roast chiggun dinner to emerge
8
Morning Dick
Top tip!
To expand, if someone has a small flue on a logburner a large snake works just as well as a chicken.
Small epileptics if doused in vim and set in motion can bring the inside of a cooker up a treat too.
12
PS….The Gays hotwire industrial vacuum-cleaners to work in reverse. They then shove the pre-loaded, hamster-filled pipe up their hoop and press “turbo-blast”.
*Little Known Fact….Elton John invented the “Rodent Cannon” to sate his perverse peccadildoes….it has been enthusiastically adopted by The Gay Community countrywide.
10
Hang tabs – Those slots they put into sweet bags and suchlike, so they hang on a display hook. Cunts make it impossible to open the bag without fucking it up.
Top Tip ? Always open any such bag upside down.
7
“Always open any such bag upside down*”
*The bag, not you, you fucking tit…
(HSE disclaimer)
9
‘Serving Suggestion’ on food. They show soup in a bowl, that sort of thing. Well, thanks for that. If I hadn’t seen your suggestion I was thinking of having it on toast or in a basket. I agree with Admin about vacuums. They’re like hair dryers. Noisy cunts. Thay sound like a squadron of Typhoons going overhead. We can put man on the fucking moon but we can’t invent a quiet fucking Hoover.
10
Particularly when you consider they can build a car you can’t hear even when the fucking thing is right behind you.
3
Those sticky “re-seal” strips on packets of coffee deserve a dishonourable mention. They didn’t work when they were first introduced in the 1980s and they don’t work now. It obviously doesn’t “boil my piss”, however. I perfected a technique (as a schoolboy) which involves tipping the contents into another resealable container, which I then put in the freezer. Alternative techniques include, but are not limited to:
🔫a stout rubber band (available courtesy of The Royal Mail)
🔫an old-fashioned wooden “dolly peg”, popular for pegging out clothing in the 1950s&60s
🔫A pair of neodymium magnets. Make sure you select N52 grade – and that they have a hook or handle as they’re powerful
🔫dropping the opened pack into a clear Zip-Loc™ type bag, and deploying the “zip”
I just wonder why the manufacturers persist in this and other equally lame closure “systems”. I noticed, for example, that the excellent Guatemalan coffee available in Lidl disappointingly sports an equally ineffectual plasticised metal strip for re-closure. Do these R&D clowns not get paid enough, or are they just Apprentice-type twats with their heads up their arses? I wonder.
Note to mystic maven
I think you’ll find those decalc tablets should be used in an empty machine only. I’d personally recommend citric acid for descaling everything: dishwashers, kettles, irons, washing machines &c. Easily available, cheap (buy a large quantity online) and it’s non toxic. Check that you actually need to descale first [the bottom of the kettle will tell you – analogous to tea leaves in a cup telling your fortune, but rather more reliable]!! Use ~150g for a washer/dishwasher – but around 5-10g will suffice for an iron, coffee maker, kettle &c. Also note: if you buy “food grade” it will be useful as a preservative in homemade preserves, cordials, sherberts &c.
Hope this helps.
4
A shiny Blue Peter badge is on it’s way.
3
Cheers, DCI. “New Old Stock” genuine Blue Peter badges make triple figures on eBay due to their scarcity and sentimental value.
Please despatch at your convenience to:
N Knowles
Dunroaming
TWATT
Orkney
KW17 2LN
I’ll happily reimburse the additional carriage costs incurred for Highlands and Islands.
11
I live in a hard water area and started using citric acid a few years ago to clean all sorts of things. It doesn’t have any lingering odour or taste, works well and is way cheaper than branded descalers.
1
Plastic bags that contain rice, pasta and things like sultanas. Usually made from some hard, useless plastic that tares halfway down the bag when you try to open it resulting in your rice going all over the floor. Cunts!
6
Cling film.
always a cunt to find the end. And even when you do and start pulling, it will inevitably tear in the middle. And then it clings back on itself, and sooner or later it finds itself being hurtled through the fucking window!
9
Top tip for that problem is to either handle the roll of cling film with wetted hands or (in this time of Flu Manchu and “hand-hygiene-mindfulness” ) mist the roll with plain water from a plant sprayer.
The cause of the frustration with cling film is chiefly because of the physics of the polymer. [A static charge build-up on the film’s surface, together with the inherent van der Waals precludes easy separation of the film. It is supposed to do this – the van der Waals forces are precisely what make it cling film, rather than, say, a roll of butchers’ plastic]. The water both dissipates the static and interposes water molecules between adjacent layers of the film membrane which translates into ease of separation.
Alternatively, you could buy a Leifheit (or Brabantia, Minky et al) cling film dispenser and follow the instructions on the packaging. I usually buy cling film from catering suppliers where the dispenser mechanism is incorporated into the product as sold.
5
Top tip for cling film CS, would be not to use any because of the toxic nature of phthalate chemicals used in its manufacture.
I couldn’t possibly trust the advice of a man who shops at Lidl for his Guatemalan coffee!
5
I wouldn’t trust a man who still uses New Old Stock Snappy Wrap™ film¹ from the 1970s, either Bertrand.
¹that is approximately the last time stretch film containing (tere)phthallates² for culinary use was widely available/used in UK
²one of many chemicals used as a plasticiser in polymer films, putatively liable to migrate into esp lipids. Better wrap your cheese, butter &c in greaseproof, or even better preserve the original packaging as far as possible.
Otherwise, high marks old sport!
2
Apologies, that should read:
“…from the 1970s either, Bertrand.”
[for the benefit of Herrn¹ Kapitän]
¹note the correct usage of the “n” on Herr there Vice Admiral; it’s in the Genetive case as governed by the “of” in English – although interestingly in German it would have been in the Dative as governed by the preposition “von”
(Just to obviate any confusion.)
Please note further, Herr Kapitän, that the apparent italics above are not the result of the over-portentous use of the “em” / “i” html switch(es), but instead the correct application of the “blockquote” switch. It also auto indents the justification, fyfe.)
2
Tesco food packaging, specifically their bacon rasher packets. You’d have more luck cracking open the virgin Mary’s fanny than these bastards. Thin corner tab always detaches meaning you have to stab the packet with a knife like a london architect.
12
Whiney fucking washing machines on spin cycle, and hoovers are my bugbear, missus nonuts always leaves it now till i’ve fucked off down the pub for my afternoon beverage(s)
5
Tesco/Persil wash capsule containers
These fucking items are designed to be child proof – so the little fuckers don’t eat them – but for arthritic and ageing cunts like me they are a fucking nightmare. Spent far too much of my time trying to open these buggers for my own health, Use a screw driver having ruined all my fingers and you still can’t open the box. Fuck, who cares about clean clothes anyway … I give up and am losing the will to live … just put the whole box in the washing machine with the clothes and let them sort it out … give me strength!!
6
■ Soy sauce bottles.
■ re limescale, have you tried `toilet grenade` …
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2UY_3RNggU&list=PL4ORQLllbigIVyNLxIK7_pYWwCfsPTTxF&index=12
… I know its for the shitter, but would probably work in the washer.
4
To add to the gathering sense of doom and gloom over the year 2020, which moron thought to reintroduce “Coffee Bags”. They imply that this is some new development yet these things have been around for years, certainly since the 70’s. Look at the faces in the adverts, they must have spent the last few decades living on “Moron Island”.
Please God don’t tell me they are trying to rerun the 1970’s, the Decade Taste Forgot.
6
‘1970’s, the Decade Taste Forgot.’
How DARE you!!
5
Taste didn’t forget the 70’s, it used them as an experiment to see what it could get away with.
4
Jesus the 70s was the last time I smiled.
Great decade everything since has been shite.
3
I doubt Taste will forget the ’70s. They were in their heyday back then. Mind you, Rory Gallagher won’t remember cos he’s dead.
2
Remember those Vesta curries from way back in the 70s?
They were the height of domestic edification apparently. But as far as I can recall they tasted like shite!
3
Vesta Paella and Beef Risotto were better than the curries…
2
hopefully admin will post this – it’s educational
https://twitter.com/ValaAfshar/status/1289529993777819655
how to deal with biscuits that are too big to dunk in a mug
brill!
3
Buying new scissors that need a pair of scissors to open them.
If I had scissors I wouldn’t be buying them would I, you cunts?
2
I know Maven specified no spouses, and presumably no humans, but I’d like to add butlers – although they are scarcely human and thus should qualify for this outing of domestic irritants.
Butlers are despicable pieces of shit who cannot be bothered to answer the bell half the time. They sit around in their ‘butler’s pantries’, turn off their hearing aids, put their feet up and watch endless re-runs of butler porn (aka Downton Abbey) while guzzling copious amounts of bottled beer. IPA, I believe it is called. And when one docks the snivelling wretches’ pay for this dereliction of duty, all they can do is point to their old campaign medals and call one a heartless hussy. My answer to that is to give them their notice and move on to the next wastrel who is usually all too anxious to begin employment in my illustrious abode.
3
Any aerosol (I’m specifically talking about you, fucking manufacturer of WD40☹️👎), which runs out of propellant every time, with 20-30% of the content still unused.
Luckily, all those empty detol spray bottles from chinky flu cleaning come in handy-pierce the top and decant 👍👍👍
2
I’m nominating that expanding foam shit. I got some a few years ago to fill a hole. It went all over the place, fucking awful stuff, should come with a health warning and only be sold to competent tradesmen.
1
Great idea but you have no control over where the bloody stuff expands and, in my experience, it’s never where you want it to. Then it sticks to everything except where you sprayed it.
2
You are supposed to take two tablets with a glass of water you cunt.
1
Found more out of the home but for me hands down the most annoying fucking thing in the whole fucking world is leaf blowers and the cunts who use them.
3
Whoever invented leaf blowers should be locked in a small room with several of them going at full blast, including one shoved up his fundamental orifice.
2