Walts

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I’ve been meaning to do this nomination for quite some time, and now I’ve finally got around to it. Walts are cunts.

For those who don’t know, a Walt is someone who pretends to be either serving military or a veteran without ever having served. It’s short for Walter Mitty. Some of them go as far as buying medals and regimental blazers, which they turn up to Remembrance Day parades wearing. Some of the more malicious ones pretend to be collecting for a military charity, often some bullshit one that they’ve made up. I find these cunts as offensive as SJW’s find normal people. More, actually.

A good example of this was the cunt who came into a pub that my wife and I were having lunch in, along with some old Army friends, a couple of years ago. He was pretending to be a Royal Marine, dressed in the current MTP (multi terrain pattern) uniform, with a 2 Lt’s rank tab. He was collecting money for a Marine charity that he’d made up. Straight away, my friends and I could tell that he was Walt. He was wearing Velcro Royal Marines Commando shoulder flashes just above his elbow. The clue is in the name, SHOULDER flashes. Those things are worn with pride and no commando, Marine or Army, would ever make that mistake.

There were other details too. Most people don’t know this, and he clearly didn’t, but British military berets are designed to be shrunk and shaped. His hadn’t and looked like a fucking helicopter landing pad. Also, it was the wrong shade of green. The commando beret is Lovatt green, after Lord Lovatt, the first CO of the commandos. This prick was wearing a pale green beret. He didn’t look like your typical Rupert either. In fact, he looked like a junkie. And the look on his fucked up face when I and one of my friends told him that we’d actually been commandos was one of sheer panic. He told us that he was retired now, but had served 18 years. So my mate asked if he’d enlisted and then got a commission. He said that he’d gone in as an officer, which is complete bullshit. NOBODY serves that long without getting promoted. You either get promoted, or binned.

The biggest give away though, was the rosary tattooed on his right hand with the cross between his thumb and forefinger. It was obviously an old tattoo, and had he actually served, he would have known that tats below the wrist are verboten under military regulations. And I have yet to meet a serving Rupert who had a tattoo below the elbow.
We told him that we knew he wasn’t a genuine veteran, and probably hadn’t served a day in his life, at which point he became aggressive and started to make threats, which was pretty dumb considering five of our eight person group were real veterans.

I was quite happy to take it outside. Unfortunately the pub’s manager had seen what was happening, and that things were getting heated. He become concerned enough to call plod. They turned up and escorted the cunt out of the pub. I don’t know what compels people like this to pretend they’re something they’re not, and I don’t care. It’s wrong. It’s offensive to actual veterans and serving personnel. And if you’re one of these people, you’re an utter cunt!

Nominated by: Quick Draw McGraw

53 thoughts on “Walts”

  1. Ive heard about these fantasists of a mate.
    My mate does the standard bearing at funerals and stuff for the legion, told me they got caught out quite quickly.
    Similarly, near me is a bloke who dresses in full yank soldier uniform like hes just been air dropped from Fallujah, even has a flat-top haircut!!
    Been like that for years,
    Obviously a mentalist wouldnt pass for salvation army never mind a real one.

    • They are not called ‘ Walts’ in the military, they are called Ruperts ( which you allude to just to play safe). During D day fake paratrooper sand filled dolls were dropped over fields in France to distract the Germans. These fake plastic dolls were called Ruperts. Thus anyone who pretends to be a genuine veteran is called a Rupert. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-merseyside-40188333

    • Roger Day is deserving of a micro cunting for that outrageous front of his.
      Stick him in the front line.

  3. Surely there’s a statute that declares it fair game to beat the christ out of any cunt pretending to be military unless under 10 years of age.

    If there isn’t there should be.

    • Think these ‘walts’ are admirers of the armed Forces but wouldnt make the grade due to mental instability.
      Feel bit sorry for them, unless they are doing it to con people out of money etc.

      • Those out to defraud the public are out and out cunts. The rest are sad cunts.

      • Think with most of them the only person being defrauded is themselves.

    • Unfortunately, no. But I since I did the nomination, I’ve found out that there is a Victorian law, still on the books, that makes it an offence to wear a uniform of the Crown without the Queen’s permission. I doubt if most plod even know that though.

  4. As the saying goes, “check flashes and carry on.” Or not in this case.

    How stupid can you be to think you could get away with it? Then again, I pretended to be a soldier for 22 years and just about got away with it…..

    Another good nom QDM.

  5. Good cunting QDM.
    It’s a shame the plod turned up quickly for once. I think a short lesson in unarmed combat outside would have been a better result.

  6. I wouldn’t mind if they at least made an effort to look convincing e.g cut their legs off or brushed the side of their head on a circular saw. Lazy sods.

  7. To me it’s akin to treason.
    A disgrace.
    They should be rounded up and fucked off to Libya.

    • Totally agree Uncle T. 6 months in Helmand should fulfill their dreams of being a soldier.

  8. Ah yes. Some time back I gave an epic cunting to my ex son in law. The useless fat cunt.

    He was one of these lying imposter wankers basking in the glory, duty and valour of real men.

    Even though we were regaled with tales of fallen comrades, bravely standing firm in the face of the enemy and officer’s mess high-jinx, the cunt never made it past basic training.

    This was confirmed by his Mum, who had to pick him up from Colchester after some very nasty men shouted at him a lot for being utterly fucking useless.

    I probably should have twigged when I found out he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with one of my air rifles.

    Fat lying useless wanker cunt.

  10. There was a nutter who lived in the trees in the common next to where I live. Dressed up in full German Stormtrooper garb and goosetepped his way up and down the churchyard road. He used to spring out on unwary dogwalkers one night.

    I once warned him off from trying to stroke our Labradinger, Barnaby, with his black leather gloved hand. Barnaby would have sheared his plums off in an instant.

  11. But on the other side – some people are really rude to us military impersonaters – I went to a BLM rally recently dressed as Colonel Sanders, complete with blackface and a boy on a chain, walked in loudly singing “Mammee, how I love ya how I love ya, my dear old Mammee” – complete with jazz hands and flashing toothy watermelon smiles – made a lot of effort I did!
    I went to all this trouble, but this was not appreciated by a baying mob who I can only describe as rude, foul mouthed and somewhat aggressive TBH! 😨🤦‍♂️
    Joking aside, this behaviour seems a bit creepy – I have never had balls so I will steal someone else’s who has and play dressup.
    And if you want find out who is ex military wait while bonfire night and see who is screaming and climbing the walls! (Got mates with mild to severe PTSD, at their worst it is terrible – taught to kill, then dumped back into civilian life with nothing – pretty damned disgraceful in my opinion).

    • Forgot to add – good nom Q – hopefully these fantasist plastic heroes will never meet my young chum “Brendan the ex special forces psychopath” – I doubt he would be keen on their silly shenanigans!

  12. Id of been fuckin useless in the military.
    Cant make my bed,
    Uniform to small,
    Id of shrunk that fuckin beret to fit a action man!
    Id of been peeling spuds the whole of my service.

    • I’d have been right there meself – but decided to concentrate on my ballroom dancing career!

      • Strange you should say that Vernon.

        My uncle is a historian for the Paras (he actually was one) and was the British ballroom dancing champion some time back in the ’50s.

        Are we related?

  13. There’s loads of Walts in my line of work. We catch the cunts out all the time. Daughter came and got me when we were shopping as a woman had fallen. Cue the ‘first aiders’ coming out of the woodwork. Fat bint on the ‘phone states that she’s calling an ambulance and she works for the ambulance service. I enquire if she works for the NHS Trust I work for. No, she says something else, obviously a private company. I’m told by the forst aiders that we’re ‘Not moving the patient. No way until the paramedics arrive’. I’m fucked off by now so flash my badge, fuck them off to a distance, check the woman, let her get up and walk off so I call Control and cancel the fucking crew. Knew the Despatcher, too who I spoke to which was funny… No wonder we’re so fucking busy. The fat bird? Volunteers for a private first aid provider. Googled it when I got home. And as an ex-Government employee, military Walts are even bigger cunts. Good nom.

    • Methinks these Walts live with their elderly Mum and enjoy a single life!
      “He’s ever so brave is our Derek – he spent ten Years in the special Paratroop submarine boat squad you know”.
      Nobody had the heart to tell confused old Mum Derek actually spent ten Years in prison for child sex offences! 😄👍

  14. Met plenty over the years-ask them their military number, something any soldier would never forget-enjoy watching these fuckers squirm.

    • That’s very true. The instructors during basic training have some evil ways of ensuring that your service number is seared into your brain. And here’s another little tid bit. Service numbers start with a different number, depending on which branch you’re with. For the Army, it’s the number 2, I think the Marines have the number 3. Forget what the Navy and RAF are. Incidentally, the word ‘Marine’ is actually an acronym: Muscles Are Required Intelligence Not Essential. Sorry to any Marines on here. Couldn’t resist.

  15. What a sad act.Don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t.Shame he wasn’t disciplined

  16. What pisses me off is when the bastards get upset when you call them out. For fucks sake you are a lying twat at least take unveiling as a man not a fucking schoolboy. The ones I had the misfortune to meet mainly used their fairy stories to snare women.
    To a man they were sad, one even had a wife and two kids but still shagged around on the back of his war stories. Pathetic bastards one and all.

  17. I remember my days well serving King and country during the Napoleonic wars in 1954 under command of Earl Oliver Cromwell we beat the Burmese Auxiliary Female volunteer balloon corps and thier allies the Inuit defence Army. Despite losing both my arms above the shoulder, florence nightingale saved my hands. I won the Victoria Cross in gold and a jim I’ll fix medal of Valour 2nd class and went on to fight in Legoland and the battle of Bosworth were I was give the task of taking pebble Island and took out 20 machine gun positions and captured 1000 Swiss Navy personnel.

    • Costume Spoons? Surely you mean uniform?
      You’ve been dressing up again in sister Dolly’s tutu haven’t you?
      😅

    • Dad’s Army costume Spoons? What would that be, full bank manager regalia?

      • Spoons@
        In the new Star wars films the main character is played by Daisy Ridley,
        Her great uncle was Arnold Ridley who was private Godfrey in Dads Army.
        As well as a role model for you hes my favourite character!👍

      • Cor, MNC!

        I had no idea. Nice bit of trivia there. 🙂
        I wonder if she handed out bits of cake to fellow star wars cast. 🙂

      • @MCN

        Interesting fact-I never fancied Private Godfrey or his Sister Dolly, I would however, enjoy delivering a traditional southern cream tea to young daisy😉

      • I read a great story about him from just before the first world war. He was a teacher at some posh school and got into a heated argument with the Principal. Apparently, it ended with him throwing the Principal out of the window of his ground floor office.

    • I did actually see some Dads Army re-enactors at my local airfield open day. Riding around on period bicycles and all. However, and this really gets my goat, they turn up at the local Remembrance Day parade and are part of the “march past”: I think that is wrong and devalues those who lost their lives.

      This is the same Remembrance Day parade that plod said couldn’t go ahead as they didn’t have the manpower to direct traffic. Glad to say, the locals did a collective “fuck you” and turned out and marched themselves – no problem with traffic. Plod looked like the cunts they were.

  19. Interestingly, this struck a little chord with me, but oddly the other way round.

    I (used to) “work” for SIS. The shoe was, rather, on the other foot.

    I do however know the exact feeling well. Hence my comment

  20. Reminds me of Rik Mayall in Bottom trying to convince the ex Para that he served in The Falklands War.

  21. I was going to wear my Grandads medals in the Rememberance Day Parade but I thought the Iron Cross, Swastica’s and SS runes might upset some people!

    • I pulled that one with a former colleague. He was a former Lancers Sgt, but told everyone he was the RSM. According to him he’d been involved in every major engagement since Rourke’s Drift. Gave me a ton of shit because I’d only served as FTRS and never got any medals other than HM Jubilee. I stood in for him at Remembrance Day parade, where he took another swipe at me about having no awards. I said ‘ I could always wear my Great Uncles medals. He looked at me and asked ‘Yeah, right! And what did he do that was so special?’ I matter of factly said ‘He was a highly decorated tank commander in WWII. He served with distinction in France and took out 44 armored vehicles before being killed’. Being a ‘tankie’ himself he thought we’d found some common ground, and puffed his chest out. ‘You never told me that. What was his name?’ I said ‘Michael Witmann!’ He frowned and said the name rings a bell. ‘What regiment?’ Looking him in the eye and holding a dead-pan expression, I said ‘He was Hauptsturmfuhrer in the 101st SS Heavy Panzer Battalion! He was awarded Knights Cross with Oak Leaf cluster by the Führer himself’. His face took on the colour an over ripe cherry, his mouth moved but no sound came out followed by a text book ‘about turn’ and he never spoke to me again unless he absolutely had to! Strange guy!

  22. Stolen valour: in all seriousness, it is a total fucking disgrace.
    I have the greatest respect for anyone that puts their neck on the line, be it home or abroad.
    Thank you.

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