Screwfix

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Screwfix and all the other shops.

I was in screwfix the other day, and luckily for me (!) they have installed all sorts of measures to protect me from the saddest excuse for a megadeath virus of doom ever found. Hand sanitiser on the way in, penned into lanes leading to the till points and a helpful yellow square for you to stand on. Which no one sees, and the zombie behind the till has to tell everyone to stand on the yellow square.

Big signs about social distancing, even though the 2m rule was downgraded to 1m. And other signs asking us not to attack the staff who treat you like you have the plague. “we’re all in this together” bollocks.

Just to appease the idiots, we ALL get treated like idiots. If you’re one of those idiots, don’t worry about covid getting you. It’ll be at the end of a big queue of people who want to knock your block off, like that scene in airplane.

Nominated by: Paul McCuntley

58 thoughts on “Screwfix”

  1. Doesn’t surprise me

    Isn’t it the case where retail staff don’t have to mask-up, but customers/shoppers do? How the fuck does that work then!

    • I love the new arrangement at screwfix. order it n go in knowing it will be ready. Recently though I was waiting the 2m distance from the counter n noticed a mooslim ‘lady’ (customer) stood right at the desk complaining to the screwfix member of staff.
      Obviously the rules didn’t apply to her. I asked why SHE was not kept at a 2 metre distance. The screwfix told me to leave.

    • Awesome. Never ages much like BLAZING SADDLES. Have I been cancelled yet……

  3. kind of feel sorry for people working in retail at the moment. We all know that every cunt is back to walking around the shops with their heads firmly up arses. No common sense being used so what is the fucking point. unfortunately, even though it seems like a waste of time some prick will grass off any shop not following the so called rules. I fucking hate people at the moment, more than normal. Perhaps they should teach good old common sense at school instead of “hate your history lessons” Screwfix always recruits a few dimwits, but least the cunts are out to work.

    • Like most front-line workers who have risked their lives to serve the ungrateful public, they probably won’t get much of a pay rise – if any. They may even face being sacked!

      But rest assured the rich owners and investors of these places will award themselves a nice chunky dividend while safely tucked behind their luxury desks in their fancy offices miles away from danger!

      • Always the way. Greedy fat men in grey suits. The sort of cunts that the covid is trying to cull!

      • Coronavirus or not Screwfix is fuckin rubbish.
        I only used it the once, a holding cell with a catalogue to pick out the item.
        I wanted to examine it first but told id have to buy it, went B&Q.
        Theyll go under soon when the depression hits,
        Good.
        Clear the deadwood.

      • Screwfix are part of B&Q Miserable. That’s why they’re crap.

      • Bertie
        Sicky@
        Years ago needed a key tool for turning your water off at the mains,
        Went this hardware store in Oldham, like going back 50yrs!!
        Bloke weighed out screws/nails and had a brown coat on just like Open all hours!!😁
        Lovely to see although bet ‘progress’ has got him by now.

      • Naaarge and Wymondham used to have bloody amazing ironmongeries. Both places are (were) like rabbit warrens, over several levels, and had just about everything

  4. Having spent the last four month renovating my entire house, I have found the staff at my local Screwfix to be really helpful and friendly.

    We are now on first name terms and I only have to give the last 4 digits of the order number. Don’t even have to produce the card I pay with.

    They even call the dog by name when we pick up various bits and pieces.

      • Yes ‘our broken culture’ our ‘broken society’ can be fixed if we just have the right tools. Maybe Screwfix could supply some sticky-back plastic, a hammer and some nails for the job.

    • Fucking Hell Bertie-what a fucking way to go-punched outside screwfix-two lives finished, the victim and the count who will get a lengthy sentence for manslaughter.
      Fucking tragedy ☹️

  6. The thing that strikes me is the disparity between different shops.

    One of my local independent stores is incredibly strict with someone watching everything you do. I was in the queue when a guy went to use his phone. He was told not to. Why? He asked. Came a logical reply none. Reminds me of a country show I attended one time when the parking attendant ordered me to reverse my car into a space. Why? I asked. “Er because all the other cars have.” Fucking jobsworth.

    The other local store couldn’t care less what you do. They still think it is 2019.

    • I think it is so you don`t run over all the pissed gammon faced folk when you reverse out! Still hate little Hitler cunts tho!

    • I’m going to sound like a cunt but here goes…
      Reversing into a parking slot is way safer because a) the reversing aspect of parking is done away from the flow of traffic and b) leaving the parking spot is done moving forwards so you can see what the fuck is going on.
      Jobsworth perhaps following orders but it’s a good practice. Drove my dear old dad barmy watching people reversing into slots at Sainsburys and despite my clarification as above he still regarded them all as prime AAA cunts.

      • Bless him, at least he stuck to his guns. Not many of us pigheaded ones around any more. Someone might get offended if you have a different opinion nowadays. happy parking all. I drive a van which is too big for a Tesco parking space so use parent and child if there are loads of empty bays. Did so one day taking one of twenty empty P and C spaces. Some young mum had a right crack at me for being a cunt. I did point out that if I park in a normal space cunts next to me cannot get out of their motors. If I bought another car for such use outside work I would be a “two car kill the planet cunt”. Cannot win these days with wokey righteous cunts everywhere.

  7. I’ve never been to Screwfix, and neither do I ever intend to, I go to the local family run hardware shop, better service and they don’t treat you like a cunt!

  8. Total wankers in there, the staff that is and agreed it’s crap you can’t see the stuff before you buy it. But some good bargains to be had sometimes. Picked up a vice and a bench grinder for less that £40 so I can start making fishing lures again.

    I don’t mind this click and collect pay first shit. The Argos experience is quick as fuck now, in and out in a minute or two where I live.

  9. Their Leyland pure brilliant white trade matt emulsion is the nuts by the way.

    £15 for 10 litres.

    Comes out whiter than Dulux.

    Their trade non drip gloss is the same. Dulux discolours after a couple of weeks.

    Just saying. After quite a bit of experience.

  10. I’ve heard that Sainsbury’s won’t be enforcing the wearing of face masks in their supermarkets. The reason they’re giving is just in case customers are disabled etc. Now call me cynical but could it be the real reason is that they don’t want to turn away anyone who is going to spend their hard earned at their store? Cunts. All this face mask bollocks is pissing me off big style but for a large retailer like them to say it’s fine to flout the law is a bit on the cuntish side of things to say the least.

      • Apparently violence against shop staff has gone up 40% during the lockdown, so the Retail Consortium have said that if shop staff start enforcing mask wearing then violence might increase further. Fair point.

        Fuck it, I’ll just wear a mask. I don’t like being in shops much, I just want to get in and out, not get delayed by people stopping to ‘Karen’ me or calling the police.

      • I’ll carry a mask in my pocket and wear it if I’m asked, otherwise just play it by ear.

  11. I go to Wickes. They’re ok for most things, but there’s something in there that makes a REALLY LOUD grating noise every 10 seconds! Which means I have to wear earplugs when I go there.

    • You need ear plugs in Wickes to block out those strange cover versions of songs they play.

      • I don’t recall any ‘music’, maybe the grating noise is what passes for music these days? Mind you, it’s better than Sheercunt or Adelephant..

  12. I went to Screwfix to get a tarp for my doggie splash pool, and suffered the ‘get in the yellow box’ telling off. I felt somewhat deflated by the whole experience. They used to have a customer experience that was a bit pants, now it is utterly awful horrendous.

    Always disliked Screwfix for their ‘can I have your postcode’ bs which results in a big fat catalogue being sent every few months that I don’t want, though recently I haven’t had one.

    • You shouldn’t trust those boxes in which you’re good to stand. I saw Wily E.Coyote fall for that trick once.

      • Screwfix is a branch of the Acme company, supplier of all warner brother characters, Captain.

      • Hiya Mizzer,
        If I see a wolf painting a tunnel hole on a rock, I’m not falling for that. Again.

  13. I use my local screwfix, l haven’t had a problem with them and they seem to be fairly organised with the chinky flu rules.

    The face masks in shops is going to be a fucking nightmare …. for shops, they can’t enforce it other than refusing entry but there is one line on the government website in the ‘reasons not to wear a mask’

    “ if putting on, wearing or removing a face covering will cause you severe distress”

    You can bet there will be a lot of cunts pulling that one out of the bag 😂

  14. I don’t really mind screwfux, but it’s depressing to see middle aged men on shit money having to bow and scrape to every cunt that turns up.
    Those guys should be in factories, or something more respectable than having to explain pipe sizes to somebody’s pea brained wife without swearing.

    • Bang on target, Cuntflap!
      Yes they should.
      Dignity in your employment rather than being cowed by a 18yr old manager.

  15. I brought the wrong shower pump thanks to their crappy photo’s. Told the twat on the counter Is this the single pump? Yes, was it fuck Both hot and cold, so wrong pump. Went back, told sorry we can’t exchange it. Still waiting for a refund. CUNTS

    • So much of what Screwfit sell is chinko shite. IE pipe threads are cut to some secret formula that don’t mate up with proper British metric gear such as Conex and if they do they leak. Plastic mains pipework? It blows apart under mains pressure. CUNTS x 2

  17. Oh fuck moi – yes, good nom. I made the mistake of trying to get in without ordering on-line first. Was sent back to may car to order on-line and wait for a fucking text. Then I was let into the same shop. What the fuck is that all about? I am making a point of not using cunting shops that I think are being fucking stupid. I will no longer go into Screwfix, but will order on-line – even if I have to wait a few days. Fuck off Screwfix.

  18. Great nom although I have never been there, howfuckingever tramping around the UK last week, I found myself short of food and ended up in a motorway services, walking to mcdodgy following the yellow brick road, place my order using card at the board/till , only 1 person at the collection point, no problem, , then this hi-viz Hitler, tells me stand in a
    cornerr about 20feet away from till, after a long stare and you can fuck off , he lowered his head and looked away while I stood 2 metres away from till ,
    Cheeky twat

    • My step daughter is working at the local motorway services before she starts university. We have a family discount card for all the food outlets. Fuckdonalds and Costa etc . 80% discount . Boom you cunts.

  19. all i can say is screw this latest mask bollocks – it’s to show how compliant you are – there’s no law to say wear a maksk – it’s becoming ‘policy’ for these cretins so that the govermint don’t have to be accountable – the most appalling govermint in british history – they can all fuck right off

  20. I like machine Mart. Got most things, cheap, and deliver to your door. Bought my lathe off them. Try getting a lathe at cuntfix. Some dull 18 year old cunt with acne, scratching his head and looking confused. Oy fink it’s in der isle wiv der doorbells init. Sheesh.

  21. Re Screwfix-my local branch had a busty wench, blonde, late twenties who looked absolutely filthy a few years ago.
    I was doing lots of work on the house and was in there 2-3 times a week-on on occasion I got home and she had put her phone number on the back of the receipt.
    I didn’t ring her- don’t Go in for adultery, but I sure many of you cunts would have been getting a 2 for 1 of the filthy cow😂

  24. CountryFux.

    Over 99% of ‘victims’ survive this fucking flu. It kills geriatrics and very unfortunately weak immune-systemed people.

    Any businesses who pander to the mind-control bullshit can go under as gleefully as I can muster.

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