New Carlsberg Ads

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New Carlsberg Advertisements.

Probably ( not ) the best lager in the world. Okay so I know that we banged on for years and years about how wonderful our lager was when it really, really wasn’t. But that’s alright because now we’re finally prepared to admit that it was actually rancid, mass produced piss water that probably wasn’t strong enough to even get my 12 year old daughter drunk. Tell me something that I didn’t already know.

So I know that we lied to you before, but now we’d like you to believe that our new product is fit for connoisseurs and not desperate tramps who hadn’t collected quite enough change to buy anything decent.

Well call me Mr. Cynical, but I for one won’t be spending my hard earned to find out. Brewed with that authentic Danish flavour. From a factory in Northampton.
Are Carlsberg UK worthy of a good old fashioned cunting?

Probably. Twats.

Nominated by: Cupid Stunt

120 thoughts on “New Carlsberg Ads”

  1. They certainly are CS, along with all the other so called premium “Continental” lagers brewed in piss factories in Edinburgh, Newcastle etc.
    Good cunting.

    • I havent drank a lager in 20years.
      Not on the wagon, just that its fuckin rubbish.
      Gassy, full of chemicals, just dreadful.
      Only drink bitter, mild, IPAs ,mead, whisky or Jaeger meister.
      Maybe a gin& tonic if feeling fancypants.
      But bet the proper lagers in Germany or Austria are ok?
      Best drank from a mountaintop balcony wearing leder hosen having the odd yodel.

      • The REAL thing in Switzerland, Austria and Germany definitely ok

        Reinheitsgebot – Purity Law (no, not THAT sort of purity) ensures only best ingredients und so weiter…

    • Concerns me why you would want to get your 12 year-old daughter drunk?
      Ignore last comment if you come from Rotherham,

  3. Takes me back to my stupid yoof, and sneaking into the local Victoria Wines (underage but trying desperately to remember my adult date of birth in case I wasked), and buying packs of Colt 45, Skol, Breaker and other cheap-as-chips pisswater lager for about a quid!

    We wasn’t bothered about the brewing qualities, just so long as we ended up pissed and chatting up some local totty (and failing), buying greasy kebabs, and throwing up down some dark alley at 2 in the morning = result!

    • Techno@
      Remember La mot lager?
      Had some fancy artwork on the can, like a Roger Dean Yes album cover?

      • I do just about remember Lamot Pils. In fact it was one of my favourite strong lagers back in the power-suit 80s!

        I don’t think its available in the UK anymore – shame really.

        I also remember those TV ads for Barbican – a glorified shandy promoted by Laurie McMenemy (Southampton Manager in the 80s I think). Fuck knows how he kept a straight face drinking that shite and telling is “It’s great, man!”

  5. Timothy Taylors Landlord.
    Old Speckled Hen.
    Or Lancaster Bomber.
    Good British beers, and so much better than fanny splatter such as Carlsberg.
    Good afternoon.

    • Lovely ales those Jack
      Fursty Ferret
      Wainwright
      Black Sheep
      Doom bar

      • Wainwrights and blacksheep are a regular for me Bertie!
        Lovely pint.👍

      • I’m partial to Adnams brews; Ghost Ship and Broadside are two Suffolk crackers.

        The Wych Wood Hobgoblin is a smashing one as well.

      • That gold hobgoblins nice Paul, all of them are good.
        Wychwood bring out a few themed ales for Halloween which are ok too.

      • Hello Bertie. I’ve never had Fursty Ferret, but the others, I know to be very tasty, I particularly like Wainwright’s Golden, very smooth and comforting.
        A nice one to get slowly sozzled on, it has been known to make me smile.

      • Afternoon Jack,
        Lot of fuss made over foreign beers but genuinely think we here make the best beers in the world!!🇬🇧🇬🇧
        Weve had hundreds if not thousands of years to get it right, and we do!!

      • Afternoon MNC. We do have a long brewing tradition. It seems to be growing too, with all these small breweries springing up. The only turd in the washbasin is the demise of the traditional boozer,which has all but disappeared.
        Very sad.

    • Proper Job from St Austell Brewery- £6 for 4 at Morrison’s. Tynt Ale from Mount(?) Abbey at Coalville do a lovely Trappist ale.

    • Original 5.5% TT is the one you want.
      The latest tax-shelf 4.5% stuff tastes like home-brew.

      Lancaster Bomber is nice though at 4%. Good ale.

      Worth mentioning though are….
      Ridleys ESX.
      CrouchVale best.

      Best news for ale drinkers , is that many pubs have dispensed with the piped system , and are drawing pints straight from the barrel
      – in order to have an efficient hatch-service.
      This has improved beer quality overnight.
      No more swan-necks , sparklers , and fucking strepto-bacteria.

  6. Back in the bad old days I was a right cunt for Carlsberg Special Brew, Tennants Super, Kestrel Super Strength any other old shit over 9% AVB. Not so much lager but more like fucking tar. Six of any of them and you automatically shit yourself resembled a Bell’s Palsey sufferer and teetered on the edge of a fucking coma. Apart from that twas smooth as fuck. 🍻😁

    • I removed once when I was about 12 and my parents went out for the evening. My mum had left me a bottle of Gold Label which I’d opened and left on the table. Several hours later I heard them pull up on the drive and, thinking she’d be annoyed that I hadn’t drank it (why?!), I knocked it back and slept like a log for 15 hours. Fucking great stuff.

  7. One of the great laments is how lager took over from British draft beer in the 80s and still seems to be the tipple of choice for young bucks. Fizzy piss water.

    I think we can blame the Danes and the Aussies (who never had any taste anyway) for this outrage.

    The kids toss lager down their throats and when they need a kick they do shots. If they drank proper beer they wouldn’t need to. Probably behave a bit better too. A real man doesn’t stagger around the streets puking and shouting like a fuckwit and the crying like a girl when clamped by the cops.

    • Apparently lager has been brewed in the uk since 1890!,but was a very small part of the beer market and considered to be a ‘ladies drink’ with an added dash of lime, basically a ‘ladies fucking shandy’ ( i’ve no idea how they can drink that shyte today) i drank heineken in the early seventies but soon binned the shyte as vomit inducing headache giving pint of rats piss, and as i only live up the road from ‘Adnams brewery’ give me a pint of ghost ship any day of the week.

  8. I’ll sip my whiskey gently and make the bottle last a year or more. Meanwhile the average dullard fills his gut with this overpriced piss and gets fat, dumber, poorer, and more of a cunt to his friends and family.

    Piss water is a fucking trouser stain on this nation. Funnel it back up your arse you danish cunts!

  9. I like Heineken, proper Czech Budvar, Spitfire, London pride (not the gay event) and Tanqueray Gin, 12 and 21 year Appleton Jamaica Rum and Long Ashton cider. Drank some nice beer o. Copenhagen but was too busy looking at the women to remember what it was…I’ve got to say the women are in a different league out there. At least 7 aaaaht of 10 are worthy of a tongue up the arsehole. What the fuck has happened to the women in the UK (black, White, Asian) the majority are all aaaaht of shape and only 3 aaaaht of 10 would get a tonguing.
    Anyways Carlsberg ain’t all that and the fact they seem to have changed it implies or was shite before.
    Go fuck yourselves.

      • The County Line’s operation has been smashed, but he’s made bail and with a good brief will only get three years, tops.
        Gay for the stay B+WC ?

    • Where’ve you been B&W? There was talk of sending out a search party. Oh and lager is crap by the way.

    • Heineken and Budweise (not the American one, the original Czech one) are pretty much the only lagers I enjoy.

    • Good to see you back, B&WC. The place wasn’t quite the same without your keen observations and probing tongue up delicate areas!

      • You are clearly a man of fine taste like me General.
        Cheers Technocunt and BB…that Kung Flu ain’t gonna get this fine 6’3, 41 year old, good looking, sculptured muscular physiqued fine specumen. It would a great loss to the gene pool. 😁

    • Can you clarify the average insertion distance involved in one of your , ‘run-of-the-mill’ , bog-standard felchings?
      If you are planning to orally penetrate 18 million women’s ring-pieces in this country alone – then I’d seriously think about getting the Guinness Book of Records involved , and pushing for major-sponsorship by oral-healthcare products – not to mention Imodium Plus and Diacalm.
      I’m estimating around 1,000 miles of total tongue movement – but that would involve getting your jaw really locked on there. , and seriously going for it.

      • @Xeno it all depends on the amount I’ve drink and if I’ve had any white substance.
        Sometimes a little flicker on the outside is all that’s needed and sometimes a full on tongue up there is added.

      • With all due respect, “felching” would imply getting a mouthful of spunk from the filly’s ringpiece, which would spoil it for me.
        By the way all this talk about asslicking is a bit tongue in cheek, and if it involved someone like Flabbot it would be in very poor taste.

      • Cheers Terry, Although I’ve not been inside…I’ve been aaaaaht and abaaaaht.

    • TT BWC@ – good to see you aaht and abaaaht Sir!
      (We thought the mysterious IsAC serial killer had got you!

  10. Afternoon Gizziguy and Allan, I’ve been getting in with building the Black and White cunt empire and reflecting on life. Had loads jobs to do and still do and have been a very busy Bee.
    I’ll always be abaaaaaht on is a cunt…I’m part of the furniture. 😁

  11. That picture pretty much describes most beer/lager/ale for me. Give me a pint of decent cider any day.

  12. I made a complaint to the ASA a few years back about an all dancing, all cunty, and very expensive CGI Stella ad, that proudly boasted that their wife-beater brew had been using the finest ingredients since 1366 – including maize.
    The complaint was upheld, and the ad was quickly withdrawn.
    That pleased me enormously.
    I also nailed a Renault Captur ad too that was being cunty and misleading.
    In fact, I complain quite a lot to the ASA.

  13. Bishop’s Finger or Spitfire Kentish (makes Krauts nervous) for me.
    Used to be a huge consumer of Newcastle Brown back in the bad old days of partying and biker sluts… 😁

  14. It’s been many a year since I was up on what’s available, proper beer wise. Perhaps the cunters can tell me if these brews still exist in the UK:

    Holsten Pils
    Wadworth’s 6x
    Directors Bitter
    Tanglefoot

    Back in my college days, I used to partake copious quantities of Webster’s Yorkshire Bitter. I think that disappeared many years ago now. I loved it at the time, but concede it probably wasn’t that good. It was bitter (not larger), cheap and tasted good to me though.

    One of the things I miss most about not living in the UK is a decent country pub and good beer. And crisps. Anyone remember that song from the ’80s called “Two Pints of Larger and a Packet of Crisps Please”? A house point to anyone who can recall who recorded it (I bought the single – still have it!). Googling is cheating.

      • Incorrect Jack. But you’re in the right territory. It was a band of a similar genre.

        I bought the Spizz single, “Where’s Captain Kirk?” too. Still love it.

    • Splodgeness Bbounds with Max Splodge on vocals.
      A most rousing track.
      Do I win £5??

      • I know, Cuntle. For whatever reason they seemed to change their name every other week. Mark Coalfield was the main bloke I think.

        Interesting piece of trivia. A former member of Spizz Energi was Lu Edmonds, who’s the guitarist in Public Image Limited.

        I don’t do the Dead Pool myself, but I’d imagine there’s a decent shout for John Lydon.

      • We have a WINNER!!! You are correct, Cuntle.

        A house point for sure, but an all expenses paid holiday in Hawaii if you can tell me what was unusual about the success of that song.

      • Erm, it got to number 1 despite being somewhat shite?
        Rousing but shite I mean.
        Ok, Blackpool it is.

      • Lu Edmonds also played for The Damned on second album Music for Pleasure.
        Not a lot of people rated that album.

      • Nope, but it’s a little obscure given the passage of time. “2 Pints” was actually the B side of the single. The A side was “Simon Templar”, but for whatever reason it didn’t grab the DJs at the time, so they played “2 pints” instead.

        Not a lot a people know that. 😉

      • I didn’t know about The Damned connection. Thanks for that. Always enjoy collecting facts like that. Cheers mate!

    • I bought a case of Holsten Pils from Aldi on Monday IY. Hadn’t seen it for years. Was my staple brew for many years. Can’t beat a good German lager. Strict brewing laws and no hangover .
      Good times .

      • Brilliant news, Cuntsville. Thanks for the update. The last few times I’ve been in Tescos I’ve looked for it with no luck. Glad to hear it’s still around.

  16. I have a micro brewery in my garage. I brew IPA, just grain and hops. Fuck all else.
    Carlingsberg is utter shite. Heineken tastes good at Schipol. Castle tastes good in Capetown. Superbok tastes good in Portugal. San Mig yew el tastes good in Spain.The British San mig yew el also comes from Costa Northhampton.
    Calingsberg doesnt taste of anything, anywhere.

    • I had a girlfriend in Newcastle for a while during my college days. It’s odd, but Newcastle Brown Ale did taste better in Newcastle than elsewhere. I got told off in a Newcastle pub one time for ordering a pint of “Newkie Brown”. Proud of their brew are the Geordies. Fair play.

    • All the Blighty versions are made by the same conglomerates in the UK to add to your list such as fake Tiger, Cobra, McEwans, Fosters (time oite while I puke) ect ect.
      Top tip try some orf the own brand German lagers from the Co-Op, Liddle, Aldi ect. Bit orf taste there.

    • Gave the old Super Bock a good caning whilst on holiday in Portugal, many years ago.
      Guzzling whilst leering at the SIL’s unfettered knockers.
      Splendid

      • Nice one, Jack.

        Years ago I learned a valuable lesson about what not to do when combining booze and sun. Was on a week’s jolly in Menorca. Me and a mate got some huge bottles of San Miguel from the local offy, then laid on sun loungers under a hot sun, sipping that Spanish piss through a straw. The result was getting very fucked up very quickly. Who knew?

  17. Quite appreciated the old Cunstberg ad with the old fat cunt former enfant terrible Aarson Welles intoning “Probably the best lager in the world” and making it very clear once orf the payroll that a man orf his distinction would never touch the bottled piss unless exorbitantly remunerated to do it.
    Totally cynical exercise on behalf of both parties. Old Aarson still prostituting his old arse to pay for his lifestyle and raise money for one of the films he never made in partnership with a multinational pretending to be a Danish lager. Aarson’s “F for Fake”, one orf the few fillums he managed to make in later says it all.

  19. British produced lagers are absolutely fucking dog piss and shouldn’t be allowed to be called lagers. What’s even worse is low alcohol beers. I had the misfortune to partake in one of these at the weekend (I was at a mate’s house and driving) dunno what it was, Beck’s or Bud Shite or something but it was absolutely fucking rancid, I wouldn’t wash my areshole with it. Real ale man myself, unfortunately my local pubs haven’t a fucking clue how to keep it so it’s usually Guinness or cider if the sun has his hat on and is coming out to play

    • Budweser is the only beer I can think of with less taste than Carlingsberg.

      • What about Fosters Cuntstable? I had that as my first alcoholic drink and haven’t touched the rancid stuff since.

  20. Do you remember those lager ads on the telly where the blokes were always in a group of three (as opposed to just two) so that the viewers wouldn’t suspect that they were shirtlifters?
    Bet the cunts in the ad were planning a spit roast after closing time.
    Going back to Tennant’s Super, Special Bru etc., why is it so lethal whilst wine at 9%abv is like lemonade?

  22. The Carlsberg we get here is absolute piss, even though they have changed the recipe.

    Having lived in Daneland, I can confirm two things.

    1. The women are stunning as B&W points out. Which is why I married one.

    2. Their Carlsberg is divine. At one point they put the original recipe Carlsberg back on the market and I spent an entire month under its spell.

    One of their best breweries is Herslev Bryghus, based just outside Roskilde.
    If you ever get the chance try their Påskebryg (Easter beer). It is heaven in a glass.

    Also try Carlsberg Sort guld (black gold) and then make no further plans for the day.

    Carlsberg and Tuborg Julebryg (Christmas beer) still make it feel like a proper Christmas for me. Mainly because I can’t feel my face or speak coherently after four pints.

    On the British beer front, London pride, Spitfire and Timothy Taylor’s landlord all the way.

  23. Carlsberg is crap – foul after taste – utter shite – and when liverpool fc wore it on their shirts you knew it was poison

    • An old ladyfriend of mine actually christened it “Girlsberg”
      She preferred Stella… 😝

      • That’s what I’m on at this very moment although I generally prefer Kronenbourg 1664. Also like Leffe and Duvel.

      • I remember going to Ghent with the ex years ago; it was the sort of place where bars and eateries still had “opening hours”. We were hungry and thirsty. All we could have was cheese sarnies and beer. I had Duvel. Along with the sarnie, with some cracking monastic cheese in it, it made a 5-star meal. Decades ago, but can still taste it when I think…

  24. Even San Miguel is brewed under licence here and is not a patch on the real stuff. Don’t touch any lagers brewed here under licence.

  25. I regularly do 10-12 pints of real ale, craft beers and Belgium beers and wake up feeling pretty okay. If I drink a couple of pints of this mass produced cats piss I wake up feeling like my head has been trampled on by a rabid donkey. Utter shite stuff I wouldn’t even wash my balls in.

    • This is because of the ‘clean laws’ for beers on the continent. Particularly Germany Denmark, Holland and Belgium.

      Beer is only allowed to contain: water, malt, hops and barley.

      You can get absolutely twatted in any of those countries and still go to work the next day feeling reasonably human.

      Try doing six pints of wifebeater over here and atempt the same thing. Which is difficult when you wake up in a holding cell having just discovered the new 26 stitch facial adornment that you somehow acquired the night before, while puking your ring and praying for mercy to any god that will listen.

  26. Oh for the days of 5.2% Stella, now reduced to 4.8%. I was one stop by the local coppers and asked where I had been. ” Down the off licence to get some Stella I said.” ” wife beater they answered ” No I said never harmed a woman or man, unlike Your mate at the police station PC Bluestone. You see he beat his wife to death with a hammer, and his toddler boy as well as the baby not to mention his young daughter who survived. The Cunt hanged himself in the garage. Needless to say the police looked angry and drove off. Fucking cunts alluding to my choice of beer, when in fact its one of their own who ranks as the worst murderer in my town. Cunting Police.

  27. I’ve been teetotal since last weekend but tomorrow I will be consuming both Tennents lager and Islay malt whisky
    I shall be very very Drunk !!!!!

  28. Best lager I’ve ever had was a German Wheat Lager in the Hoffbraus in Munich. The German Oompah band in the background, German sausage, massive steins, getting pissed. All it needed was a few rowdy commie cunts coming in mouthing off and a bit of shoe given out to make it totally authentic.

  29. Went to my local “liquor store” (or offy if you’re a proper person) the other day to get supplies. The guy who owns/runs it is a fellow Brit so it’s always nice to go in there for a quick chat with someone who sounds like I do. Anyway……grabbed a 6 pack of Dos Equis and out the corner of my eye, I saw a 6 pack of Beck’s, so I grabbed that as well. Hadn’t seen Beck’s anywhere for ages, so was excited. Got home. Sunk a Beck’s in no time and only then did I notice I’d picked up the non-alcoholic version. Fuckity fucking fuck. What a cunting twat!! Why does non-alcoholic beer exist? Why? Why? Why? Why? Fuckity why?

    • Did the same thing in Lidl’s. They do a nice German wheat beer and also a non alcoholic version. Two bottle in before I realised I’d picked up the wrong one. Similar triad of colourful expletives expelled.

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