Being Overly Prescriptive

Overly Prescriptive Cunts

One side effect of these challenging times(TM) is that silly bastards are posting even more rubbish on social media along the lines of “THIS is how you make a cup of tea”.

No, it’s how you like it. If I like mine differently it doesn’t make me inferior. It means we don’t like the same tea.

Bacon sandwiches seem to attract extreme levels of this nonsense, be it the “correct” nomenclature – butty, sarnie etc -, or the “right” sauce, which always seems to be brown, not “red”. Because “tomato” is such an absurdly long word. Do they call mayonnaise “white sauce”?

There will normally be some parochial North / South, Yorkshire / Lancashire, village A / village B bollocks as well.

Just grow up you stupid cunts.

Nominated by Guardian Hater

91 thoughts on “Being Overly Prescriptive

  1. Don’t be ridiculous. If you don’t like it the way they do, and aren’t prepared to immediately change that opinion, you’re a fascist!

    • I dont like brown sauce.
      Too spicy.
      Ketchup for me!
      Love a bacon buttie, not arsed about white/brown bread, im very broadminded over colour, but dont like that shite with all seeds an bits in it.
      E eryone loves a bacon buttie dont they?
      Well not vegetarians, jews, vegans,hari krishnas,peacefuls, but meant me.
      🇬🇧🇬🇧

      • I have one every fortnight or so, to keep it a treat, but it’s either plain or lots of mustard for me. I like both granary and seeded bread but hate spending 3 days getting the stuff out of my teeth so normally stick to a 50:50 sandwich loaf from the breadmaker.

      • MNC! Everyone! Help me – I’m looking at a “kettle” thing in the kitchen, but I don’t know what to do with it and I really want a cup of tea!
        I’m all confused and worried 😢

      • Dont try and do it on your own!
        Get in a expert, someone who’s trained, a barista or someone, phone 999 and ask for someone they double as yellow pages.

      • This falls into ‘Domestic Emergencies’ category, the likes of turning on the washing machine, hoovering and so on. Do you own a woman, is she in one of those ‘break glass in case of emergency’ boxes?

      • It’s a good thing we’ve got nobody that stirs the pot with their miserable northern nonsense on here, isn’t it.

        Psh.

      • I take back my comment of a few days ago, I didn’t realise the complexities involved in making tea and coffee, it must take months to train a barista

      • An awful Policeman has just told me off for calling 999 asking for advice on making a cup of tea – in between the threats of brutality I ascertained that he believed this was “not a fucking emergency, twat”!
        Bollocks to this – I’m hiding out in my undersea lair at the legion of doom! 🏃‍♂️😨

      • They are the Diane Abbott calculator Moggie – “count to ten Diane”
        1, er 1, er 1 – Angela, unlace ma shoes dere girl – and loan me one of dem crayons for de calcumalaculations!

      • For me, it has to be brown sauce for meat based sarnies, bacon, sausage etc. Tommy sauce for eggs.

  2. Crispy thick cut non-smoked bacon rashers in a foot long white baguette, with a couple Lincolnshire sausages, slices of extra mature cheddar, and brown sauce.

    Tea, black.

      • Also, toast the baguette slightly, and fry the bacon and sausages in homemade garlic butter rather than regular.

        It’s so decadent even an M&S advert couldn’t narrate it.

    • Fuck me!!! Breakfast of champions right there. White english champions.

  3. I haven’t spoken to a fellow Pub- goer for over 3 years since we fell out one evening over how long tea should be left to mast…I insisted that it needed at least 6 minutes and no more than 8. After much friendly banter and joshing he called me a prissy,pretentious Wanker….I took the accusation badly.

    @BlackTeaMatters.

  4. Most people wouldn’t know how to make a decent cup of tea if their worthless lives depended on it. Therefore FYI:

    1. Boil water in kettle on the Aga
    2. Warm the solid silver teapot
    3. Stick about six teaspoons of loose Darjeeling in the teapot
    4. Fill teapot with boiling water
    5. Allow to brew for six minutes
    6. Pour milk to taste in fine bone-china teacup
    7. Place silver tea strainer aloft teacup
    8. Pour tea into teacup through strainer
    9. Add white granulated sugar to taste
    10. Sip in a civilised manner with little pinkie sticking aaaaht.

    • Quite right,RTC….it’s nice to see that at least someone other than myself has some class on this site….yer can shove the white granulated sugar up yer arse,mind…and the milk…I have a slice lemon.

      • That’s the way my mother taught me Dick. She came from Scunthorpe.

      • Ruff weve a new moderated word!
        Type the last posting name of our friend CS.
        Dissapears like mist..
        David Blaine & Dynamo?
        Nowt on me.

      • No. But my dad did. He used to love telling that joke, bless him.

      • If Typhoo put the “T” in Britain, who put the cunt in Scunthorpe?

      • Morning Peachy.

        I was aware of all that but thanks all the same, your comprehensive explanation may be helpful to others.

        Still puzzled though as to why words like jüdgemént and excéedîngly would be trigger words.

      • Not necessarily hangovers from troll’s usernames and/or email address’s. Also to prevent certain links being uploaded, the ‘cum’ word being an good example, originally there to stop Jennifer Lawrence leaked facial jizz pictures being posted for legal reasons, now thankfully removed from the trigger list.

    • 1. Drop bag in cup.
      2. Pour over boiling water.
      3. Leave to stand until teaspoon stands upright.
      4. Add bag of sugar and splash of milk.
      5. Slurp noisily whilst scratching balls and/or arse.

      • Willie Stroker would be most appalled Creampuff, that five day tea serving workshop was the making of his career at the Manor.

      • Stroker was no slouch when it came to ironing the newspapers either LL. Never thought I’d say this but we’re actually beginning to miss the indolent sod…

      • When I get up I have 2tsp of strong Earl Grey, brewed with boiling water for 5 minutes in a one-cup glass teapot, then add 1/2tsp honey. Lovely.

    • RTC, surely your man Stroker carries out this task? Still in the tent I suppose.

      • He did Cuntstable, but he’s on furlough right now. And the tent’s been empty for awhile now, reckon he’s forsaken it for the shed on his allotment.

  5. Never mind all that Peachy!
    Didnt ask for your autobiography.
    Howd you like your bacon?

  6. Big chipped mug with boxing hares.
    Teabag of yorkshire teabag of earl grey
    Table spoon of honey (winnie the pooh was a genius)
    Pour boiling water
    Leave it to steep
    Milk to suit
    Your now a englishman

    • Yorkshire tea all the way. I sometimes have a double (2 bags). Loose tea is great too if you can be arsed. Most of the time I can’t.

      Strong tea left to brew for at least 4 minutes, drop of milk and no fucking sugar. Lovely.

      Sugar with tea? Anyone doing such a thing must be a bit of a mental.

  7. Some people insist on a Bacon sandwich with Brown Sauce (cunts), some insist it should be Ketchup (cunts)…I like both equally and eat it with whatever the fuck is in the fridge/cupboard.
    Go fuck yourselves.

    • Boiled ham.

      I had a Ploughman’s lunch just the other day…..the Cunt went mental when he found out.

      LOL

      Fuck Off.

      • What are you on abaaaaaht Mr Fiddler. Is this a response to my Ploughman’s comment? 😁

      • I always have boiled ham with a traditional Ploughman’s lunch,B+WC…I’d be terrified that someone mistook me for a veggie if I didn’t.

      • Nothing wrong with a bit of veggy now and again, besides too much meat makes the gut rotten…although in both our cases, I don’t think we can get any more rotten than we are. 😁 Evening on what is a beautiful day.

      • The rest of my comment was a petty and mean attempt to deny Bertie Blunt the chance of posting this appalling joke.

      • Evening B+WC
        Evening All.

        Is The Lodge open again after all this lockdown shite?

      • Nah the Lodge is still closed down, due to the nature of Freemasonry it’s hard to social distance, especially when everyone wants to see me performing the ritual.
        On reflection it’s taking up too much of my time and some of the old boys want to close our particular Lodge due to commuting into London etc, I’ll stick it aaaaht as we have a substantial amount of money in our lodge Account which will be divided up between members. Should be enough for a 5 star Carribean holiday. Probably go back to the lodge when I’m in my 60’s like you old chap. 😁

      • Bwc, pardon my ignorance, but do freemasons do charitable work, good deeds etc
        All I really know is they have secret handshakes, and help each other out in business etc
        I considered joining ‘the sons of the desert’ as a big Laurel & Hardy fan!👍

      • ” due to the nature of Freemasonry ”
        Is that code for bumming ?
        Evening ducky.

      • Evening MNC, yes after the lottery we are apparently the biggest charitable donators in the country.
        We gave a lot of money to the London Air Ambulance etc and generally in lodge there is always some be new appeal for great masons like us to part with our cash to help society.
        I like to think of it as offsetting my cuntishness and guilt for all that I have. 😁

        Good evening to all Brethren if the mystic tie. 🤝

      • Nice one Bwc, your a good lad really arent you?
        These orrible lot on here could learn a lot from me and you!
        I helped a old lady crossing a busy road the other day, she called me a gentleman!!
        Unfortunately traffics very busy on this road,
        And only I made it to the the other side.
        But the thought was there!
        😁

      • Last time I escorted an old lady across the road, she twatted me with her brolly, turns out it had taken her fifteen minutes to get across before I’d grasped her firmly by the arm, saying ” Come along dear, you’re quite safe with me ” and marching her back to her original starting point.
        Oh please yourselves.
        I’ll Fuck Off now.

      • Reminds me of Sid Snot at the train station
        Sid: gimme a return ticket
        Stationmaster: where to?
        Sid: back ere you pillock!

  8. A Ploughmans Lunch should be… Two thick slices of bread, loads of salted butter, thinly cut cheese stacked up at least a cm thick, Loadsa Branstons pickle or chutney (not from the Mrs arsehole), and some pickled onions and an Apple.
    All washed down with some Long Ashton Press/Orchard Pig/Aspalls Cider.

    I might ave it now.

  9. Whilst the tea is brewing of an evening, there’s time enough to do one quick flowchart:
    1) Pornhub
    2) find a romanian double amputee inserting her stumps up both a fat and skinny ladies’ bottoms and using them as puppets
    3) bash one out as quickly as possible before you hear the creak of a family member’s foot on the top stair

    • Duly noted TtCE – it may save my psychiatrist looking all embarrassed!
      On other news, it turns out that the waiting rooms at Leeds railway station are “not acceptable places to masturbate in” apparently – hoity toity mares with their shouting and chasing me round the platforms with an umbrella – dismal form!

      • You should’ve said that you identify as a vegan, mús līm, tråńsbėnding traveller with educational difficulties, Mr Fox, and that any attempt to curtail your activities would be regarded as hate speech.
        That’s all bases covered, I reckon.

      • I did try that TtCE – but unfortunately I couldn’t get the words out as I was being clubbed by an angry and surprisingly strong old lady!

      • You’d doubtless have been more enthusiastic if the old lady was an aroused Bella Emberg wearing her “Blunderwoman” costume.

      • It’s a disgrace BBTC, these depraved barbarians should be ashamed of themselves…bringing Is a Cunt into disrepute. 😁

    • Thomas, does it have to be a Romanian?
      Or can I choose a more suitable amputee?

      • What’s more suitable than a Romanian? Maybe you could try a Bulgarian.
        But the important thing is that she must be swarthy and grubby-looking, wearing a body warmer, headscarf, long skirt and trainers and look like she lost her hands in some sort of freak exploding Big Issue accident in a dismal town centre.

      • I do try* and keep my appallingly warped imagination under lock and key, MNC.
        But the second I start typing, all this filth just gushes out!

        * absolute balderdash, I don’t try in the slightest

      • Evening Jack.
        Years ago when working night shift went up to the canteen and a Ghanaian bloke sat looking at his phone pissing hisself laughing.
        Asked him what was so funny, it was a video,
        Bloke goes into a hotel room with a shoulder bag, unzips it, fuckin little midget inside, guy fucks the midget.
        I laughed but this black guy was crying with laughter, he fuckin loved ir!☺

    • Having to check your links is the reason I could never volunteer for admin.

      Pure filth. Repent! Repent!

  10. Wouldn’t recommend anyone trying to shoot their load off to Henry Miller. Nowt pornographic about his books imho.

    Tropic of Capricorn is one of my favourite top 20 novels, came as a huge revelation, had a big impact on my thinking, was hooked from the first line:

    “Once you have given up the ghost, everything follows with dead certainty, even in the midst of chaos.”

    Fucking right mate!

  11. I take it as the seals are no longer clapping Thursday nights, they will be taking the knee instead.
    Fuck me, every sleb seems to have made a comment about George Floyd, BLM, white man is bad….

    • GB, if the Don manages to get Antifa classed as a terrorist organisation, hopefully all those bastard celebrities posting bail for all those looting chain-draggers will be done as accessories after the fact…

  12. RTC…do you reckon your pal B. Honeydew is a real life “Lawrence Logic” from ‘Viz’, but even more abstruse?

  13. 1.) Pick up cunts in overcrowded boats in the Channel.
    2.) Tow them back to France.
    3.) Dump them 50 yards from the shore.
    4. Have a cup of English breakfast tea.
    5.) Repeat every day.

  14. Three guesses as to what my mind jumped to upon reading ‘white sauce’…

  15. Sorry, I’m too thick to understand this nom. You need to make a YouTube video to demonstrate the use of a teapot. and show us what brown sauce looks like.

  16. These things are important. What would we do without slebs showing us how to wash our hands, how to vote, how to think? In fact the only thing they don’t show us how to do is how to be as fucking rich as them on so little talent.
    Funny that innit?

  17. Irritate these dopes by saying ‘X with Y? Peasant.’ -even if you enjoy it – and wait for fireworks.

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