Uk banks

A timely cunning please for the “high street” (though most branches are closed) banks and their hideous and insipid TV adverts.

You know who I mean: Barclays, Lloyds, Nat West, Halifax, Nationwide, Co-op.

All their dim and dozy looking staff are sitting at home with their pets and imploring us to use their online services (as if we don’t already and haven’t done for years) but also assuring us that these smashing guys’n’dolls are ready to step in and help us out at any time. By doing what exactly?

What heroes they are these cupid stunts.

Meanwhile their bosses are busy NOT lending money to struggling small businesses which the government pledged to help just as they did for these toss-pot banks who would otherwise have gone bust in 2008. Cunts.

Nominated by Lord Helpuss

51 thoughts on “Uk banks

  1. Yep, banks are cunts!
    Ive hated every bank ive ever been with.
    Ive just complained about a woman in my bank, she treats me different to other customers, all smiles an brown nosing if your in a suit , but when I turn up in a Motorhead t shirt and workboots shes a sullen cunt.
    But she shouldnt Im still a business account, anyway, the other day I had enough an complained about her attitude and said she was prejudiced against me,
    Fuck her the cunt,
    Wont be employee of the month this year will you?

    • Banks are utter cunts – when they do fuck things up, they deny all knowledge & blame somebody else.

      Now last year, I took out a credit card – not because I was yearning for one… simply put, I changed ISP and as part of the process, they do a credit check, and apparently my credit score was low. It turns out, as I hadn’t had a loan, car finance, mobile phone contract or any of that shit for over 10 years, the ‘system’ thinks I can afford fuck all.
      Long story short (too late I know) – had a C Card to buy petrol, groceries, etc, Then pay off in full each month – simple enough, not spending any more than before but ‘building my credit rating’ in the process. All’s well as long as you don’y pay late or god forbid, miss a payment.
      Set up DD with bank, to pay card in full, every month.
      7 months in, I get an e-mail & text from card company – charge for late payment & please pay as your overdue. Went livid – got a DD set-up – “Yes but we didn’t get a payment from your Bank. If there isn’t enough money in your bank, sometimes the bank immedeatly recalls the payment & it won’t show up on our system”
      – Fuck that ! I’m anal about making sure there’s always money on the bank to cover bills AND A BUFFER
      I phone idiot bank – “yes , DD in place & next payment due in 25 days” – So, why wasn’t last payment made ? I’ve got a bloody penalty charge now for a missed payment – WTF ?
      “nothing to do with us – we would have sent the payment, they must have rejected it – not our mistake”
      Are you having a fucking laugh? they say it’s you – you say it’s them – what’s the point of trusting you to keep my money & pay my bills – you fucked up.
      “there’s nothing more we can do at our end – speak to your C Card provider”
      Ok pal, how about this – ypu miss 1 more of my payments…ever & I’m fucking walking – got that!
      They don’t give a fucking shit

    • I have a sneaky suspicion that people who work in banks might not like Rock bands… I went into my local with an AC/DC T-Shirt on and the incel behind the desk asked me who they were. Twat.

  2. On drawing money out my bank used to ask “doing anything nice with the £1500 Mr Daz” a futile bid to uncover criminal intent….”Cocaine fueled orgy at the weekend love…. pop round if you’re free!”
    These ads are nauseating lets all jump on the brave new caring corporate bandwagon. CUNTS!

    • I had an Indian woman do that to me in front of other customers every time I paid a commission cheque in. They were fairly large but I only got paid every 3 months. Eventually I replied C & H, she, of course, asked me what C & H was, Coke and ‘Hores. It was a small branch and the other 3 cashiers, when I next went in said it was the funniest response they had heard. Bina, the nosey bitch, was moved away from customer services.

  3. On a side note. The fucking Nationwide is now paying me 0.01% interest.
    “To protect businesses in this delicate time” no issue with that.

    But you’ve also been lending my fucking money out for years. So 17 year old “influencers” can buy a brand new Mini the day they pass their test.
    Couldn’t live with an old banger as a first car eh? Well save up 20k of your own money, instead of using mine. Cunts.

    Must say I do feel valued as a 15+ year account holder.

    Also stop making fucking woke adverts, share the money saved amongst your precious members.

    • I got a letter from the Halifax in the last couple of weeks telling me that since the base rate had gone down to 0.1% they were reducing the WebSaver account interest rate from 0.1% to 0.01%. So the base rate went down a fraction and the savings rate went down 90%. I rang the cunts up and asked them when they were reducing their credit card interest rates by 90%, the poor love had no idea what I meant.

      • Yep. Used the base rate as the excuse with me. But fuck me 0.01%…
        I honestly believe we’re not far away from paying these cunts to “hold” our money.

      • I remember when I was at university that a current account was paid for although I can’t quite remember how.

      • Not too sure. I understand some are happy to pay a flat fee each month for breakdown cover, holiday insurance etc. In the guise of a “VIP” account. Each to their own. I was brought up to believe savings accounts actually accrue interest.

        Spiv bunch of cunts.

      • Switzerland had negative interest rates on accounts in the 1970s to prevent the influx of foreign money pushing up the value of the Swiss franc and making Swiss manufacturing uncompetitive.

      • Those chocolate munching, watch making, yodelling buggers have always had their shit together.

    • Spot on. But what you don’t mention is the key trick behind banks. They can lend a large multiple of what they actually hold in (among other things) your savings. They can lend, say, 30 X their assets* – all they have to do is write the debt. Then they collect at least 10X the interest they’re paying you, on 30X the money, making 300%. of what you get if you’re lucky and they have not yet charged you for providing them with the only security they can rely on**.

      * Minimum.
      ** Having spaffed their obscene profits on dividends and dodgy derivatives

      Blair-league cunts dictating a cunt system. All banks, not just the high street*** ones.

      ***Once upon a time. Now flogging off their branches and removing all human contact as fast as possible, of course.

      • Shit. Like the chief cashier of the Bank of England, I didn’t do A level maths. For “300% of” please read “300 times”, of course. Or “30,000%”.

  4. Banks are cunts. I took out £330 to buy a telly in 1997 and because I didn’t have a debit card at that time the bank wanted to know what I was going to spend it on. Bastards.

    “What will you spend it on? Not that it’s any of my business!”
    I wish I had said, “On your tits” or “I think I’ll become an alcoholic”. I mean with that kind of Know Your Client bollocks how do Cyber Fraudsters hide their ill-gotten gains?

  5. Fuck only knows how the FCA lets banks get away with exorbitant credit card and overdraft charges when the fucking base rate is 0.1%. I suppose they are the same languid, soft-touch cunts who let the banks wank away all the cash in 2008.

    Cue Super Bogey to the rescue with fistfuls of our cash.

    They are ALL cunts.

    • FCA is just another fucking OFCOM. No teeth and unwilling to stick their gums around the banks that finance them.
      Bent as fuck.

  6. I was a Lloyds customer for over 20+ years, The paymaster opened an account and paid my kings shilling into it.
    On separation from Mrs B MKII we had a joint account, they solemnly swore that neither of us could remove our names from the account without the knowledge of the other, naturally I left the marital home and moved to new diggs and updated my current account with my new details.
    Things were hard to say the least, paying a mortgage for a house you do not live in and all that shit then.
    I went out with the future MRS B to a nice eatery, went to pay the bill and card declined?
    I checked my balance, not only was my pay missing but I was way into my overdraft!!! (and the bank was closed).
    Next day I contacted the bank and was informed that I was in arrears on my other account and incurring penalties on an unauthorised overdraft.
    What other account? I was also now receiving legal letters from the bank about my other account.
    I ended up having a “Meeting” with the branch manager, where it came to light that my x had removed her name from the account, stopped payments in but left a shit load of direct debits on it.
    I was a little upset, the manager however saw the massive fuck up they had done, closed the account and reimbursed me all the money back into my a current account, whacked up my interest rate and stopped the legal shit.
    I was not impressed, they then fucked up my addresses when I moved the second time having my old address as a correspondence address and my home as a residential address ( That was news to me) so no bank statements apart from a balance at the cash point (strangely low).
    So that was it I kicked the cunts into check, I have a cashing account with a building society where I can pay money in and transfer it to my internet bank.
    Internet bank is excellent not only does it show me what I have, it summarises where I spend it even down to a google maps and time event should I want too I can freeze the account at the touch of a button and it always asks me to approve
    any remote transaction.
    It is great.
    I do not like the app chat feature or messages starting with “Hiyah” from my personal banker, at 50yrs I am a bit old to be a “withit hipster”
    I think I wrote up a nasty cunting of LLoyds a few years ago about this, but hey “Lest we forget”

    • When I first shacked up with mrs MR mk1, I was only 22 and she was 18 and at uni. I didn’t earn even half decent bread at the time and really struggled financially covering rent and council tax and a 100 other fucking things. Lloyds HAMMERED me with overdraft charges relentlessly. Over a period of two years they charged me about 3 bags at 30 quid a time.

      Lloyd are cunts.

  7. When I was starting a family and so on I had a mortgage % in double figures. Other borrowed money was also expensive. After a successful and prudent career I am fortunate to have a few bob. But now I get next to fuck all interest. The last lot was 1.5% tied up for a year. The next will be a lot less, well below inflation. The fucking banks started this in 2008 and we are still paying.
    I am thinking of going into indoor farming with B&W Cunt, but don’t feel I could trust the fucker.

    • A sad indictment of a fellow cunter Cunstable.

      Who knows the secret of the B&W Cunt.

  8. I misspelt “cunting” and typed “cunning” instead in my rant.

    Quite an appropriate typo though because the banks are cunning bastards. They pretend to give a damn about you and me, the birds and bees and all creation. All they actually care about is grabbing our money and holding on to as much of it as possible. They give more attention to students than loyal customers of 20, 30 or 40 years. If you run into a cash flow crisis they react by withdrawing your overdraft facility. They charge small firms a fortune in fees. Then they have the audacity to think that flowery adverts featuring wild horses running free or their mong staff sitting on their arses is somehow going to fool people into thinking they are responsible and respected organisations.

    They are not. They are cunts the whole bally lot of them.

  9. I have a reasonable amount of money deposited with the Nationwide.

    If their current Coronavirus adverts continue along the same lines they won’t have it for much longer.

    The one with the pregnant woman last night praising the NHS was not only cringingly sickly, they were using my money to make this jumping on the bandwagon nonsense.

    Fuck off.

    • This is my point. These adds have fuck all to do with the banking sector. They’re just jumping on what they presume is the latest “cool” agenda. The scruffy cunts these ads appeal to will only be depositing their Giro.

  10. Nobody hated banks more uncle and his judgement of them was

    “ banks will only lend you an umbrella when the sun is shining “

    Sums up the cynical cunts perfectly….

  11. Don’t forget, they are “with you all the way”….all the way to the poor house that is.

    • Was just going to say the same. I remember when bank ads were a quarter page in the newspaper:-
      Interest rate.
      Minimum Deposit.
      Access to account (limited withdrawls per annum etc).

      Now it’s all “In this together shit”.
      Whilst some soy b0y gazes longingly with his fist thrust deep in his chutney tube.

      Talk about fuckung irrelevant.

  12. Off topic, sorry… but my piss is boiling about that carpet-riding, self-important little wankstain Sukdiq Khan and his demand that the government pay him 2 billion quid by the end of the day!
    Fucking treasonous little maggot; may he reinact the underground scene of American Werewolf in London, where the werewolf is replaced by a werepig.

    • See this earlier.

      Does boris have the authority to just sack the big nosed cunt.

  13. Oh yes – those fucking adverts. I thought nothing could be worse than the Lloyds Bank horses-on-the-beach-with-spazzes-and-lessers-and-pooftahs, but those cunting “we’re trying to help you” adverts take the fucking biscuit. Insincere, money-grabbing cunts.

    • What they don’t show you is that the horse running along the beach and vanishing into the distance has all your fucking money.

    • That fucking shite advert that’s on TV every 5 minutes, where the ‘peacefull’ salutes & then ‘flies’ a garden shed like it’s a helicopter – then she looses control & nearly crashes the fucker – god only knows what Bank that’s for – I’ve seen that cunt Ad 50 times & still don’t know who it’s for. Maybe if the flymo broke loose from the shed wall & cut her fucking head off….then I’d remember !

      Then there’s those stupid ad’s with ‘plebs’ doing Covid diaries – what’s th4 fucking point & WTF has it got to do with a bastard building society ? ? ? No-one ever says “my job is toast, I’m living off stale Winalot & my bank’s waiting for the go-ahead to forclose!”
      wankers !

  14. Bunch of crooked shylocks one and all.

    Where are you hiding all the gold! Where’s the cave!?

  15. I used to work in corporate banking (Oi! Stop throwing those bricks! – OK then, maybe just a couple you deplorable rotters!). Banks can be thieving (I use that strong word advisedly – an “ethnic” member of Yorkshire bank stole from me) parasitic rodents – when you deposit a cheque it takes up to five working days to clear, complete bull, they steal your money for the clearing period and gamble it on the World wide overnight markets, if they lose money they are covered by insurance and when they make money (97 per cent of the time as it is now all algorithms with virtually no Human intervention) they keep it.
    I transferred a large sum of money to my Brother, and the dumb Woman at Barclays managed to input the wrong details, had no idea where the money had gone when I found out about this, and, unbelievably, tried to allege I had put the wrong details in when it was her that did it! I complained, mistakes happen but not with my money and it was not the first time she had messed basic things up on my account to be told by the snotty superviser mare I would have to complain to the Manager as she “would not accept my complaint”. Did so, went for a meeting with the Manager, a mincing little prick who tore my complaint up, said “case closed and if you complain again we will withdraw banking services”. Boy, did I want to belt him one!
    As a customer of over 20 Years I was somewhat miffed by this, and made a formal complaint to the area Director of Barclays.
    After due investigation it transpired the Manager and the superviser had been withholding and dismissing legitimate complaints to increase their bonus – very, very naughty!
    Superviser sacked, Manager removed from his position and made to take a till jockey position in another branch, a grovelling apology from the area Director and a tidy sum in compensation – I suppose it was quite helpful asking them to call me at work as I was working as a solicitor at the time – I could genuinely feel the fear in the guys voice, and I further suppose telling him what a laugh I had about it with my MP at our golf club helped! (Which happened to be true! 😀)
    Banks are not our friends, and you need to play serious hardball with them to get anything done – luckily I am quite good at that! 🤣👍
    Good nom LH – I think it struck a universal chord!

    • Always suspected they gambled the money during those periods. Thanks for confirming my cynicism – bloody shylocks!

      • Banks make Shylock look kind TBCC – a cheque or transfer clears immediately, they used to take up to five working days as it was a question of physically paying them in to draw the money off them, now everything is electronic and computerised but they always tell you five working days so they can steal your money and gamble with it.
        Vermin, I trust banks as much as solicitors.

  16. I had the misfortune to work for a bank for quite a while. Makes me depressed now thinking how I’ve wasted my life to those fucking cunts. Two things always stick out in my mind. On 9/11 the stupid bint announced over the tannoy at work that the second tower had come down. She then said “We don’t know how this will affect HSBC”. Had another one, one of our Indian friends was called in Mumbai by a distraught bloke who advised that “I’ve lost my wife, and need to change the account”. Cue Indians reply “I can change your account once you’ve found your wife”. Words fail me. By the way, HSBC are laying off 35000 more workers. The CEO is on a basic salary of £6 million with share options up to £8 million. These twats give snake oil salesmen a bad name.

    • “Youve lost your wife?
      Have you checked your other jacket sir?
      Goodness gracious, thank you come again..”

  17. They all need some strong medicine.
    I dare say a windfall bat flu tax that is retrospective at 50% of gross profits from 2012 onwards.
    Any of them start packing their Versace bags for the continent get nationalised that same day and all assets seized at once.
    Any more cuntery after that gets the 0% APR oven.
    Just fuck off.

  18. The banks are in a win win situation. If they make loads of money happy days and big bonuses all round, If they lose loads of money, the government (taxpayer) bails then out and slightly smaller bonuses all round. Still happy days.

    Did anyone notice that the banks the government (taxpayer) bought shares in never seemed to make any money or pay taxes post 2008 crash, when the government (taxpayer) sold the public share back it was ALWAYS at a loss to the government (taxpayer) and then as if by magic those banks immediately started making money again.

    What a fucking rip off from start to finish.

    Ex Sir Fred the shred and other UK AND US banking bosses at that time ALL CUNTS.

    • A done deal and a carve up from day one – we the taxpayer used to own a huge chunk of Lloyds and RBS, never made a penny, sold for a huge loss (I think Branson got a good chunk for next to nothing, thieving old gippo!) and amazingly, immediate huge profits – and fuck all tax paid.
      If all the greedy corporate rats paid their fair rate of tax we as a Country would be almost 200 Billion a Year better off, but the corporations have the Politicians in their pockets with bribes, sorry, “contributions” so they get away with it and constantly whine that if they are made to pay what they owe they will run off abroad cwwying – fair enough – fuck off parasites – plenty more to take your place and if you can find a shifty tax haven half as cheap as the UK crack on, and good luck with that one!
      Unconscionable vermin.

  19. Its the Nationwide ads i cant stand,some stupid smug cunt reading a poem, at least the two ugly singing sisters gave it up after they received def threats, surely negative advertising just fucks up your business, if thats the case im surprised the cunts are still going ….

  20. Sir Fred the shred is surviving on a huge pension. The law didn’t touch him or any of the other cheating cunts who crashed the economy with their casino banking. Why? Because it works in favour of the rich always has. I’m no corbynista I believe in profits in business and rewards for the hard working but the greed of the bankers still makes me spit with rage. Osborne blamed Mr Average for the credit crunch and made it much harder for ordinary folk to obtain loans and mortgages and made us all suffer austerity the effects of which have come back to bite us in this pandemic. Meanwhile he let his pals in the city keep their massive and undeserved bonuses. There’s no justice.

  21. Why do Banks complain when you rob them? After all…they rob us daily.! Cunts !

  22. This financial razzmatazz blows me out of the water, what a load of bollocks.
    I vaguely understand the concept of fiat currency (Monopoly money cobblers) but fractional reserve banking is a mahoosive pile of cunt to my enfeebled brain.
    Can I put some shelves up for you and in return you fix my car?
    Sorry if we’ve left any leeches out of the equation but we’re sufficiently blessed with worthless cunts. Thank you.

  23. Blair started it with his super deregulation of the banks, the rest just carried it on, they fucked us over in 2008 and now again in 2020. Let’s all just pop down with a suitcase and demand our money iin cash. A run on the banks would shit the lot of em up.

  24. The cunting banks can only give is 0.01% interest on savings but charge 39.9% interest on credit cards because they are unsecured loans and they expect a high level of defaults on them. The poor cunts that use them might end up in sequestration but that is minimal damage for the banks.

    I’ve been listening to a lot of apocalyptic music recently, mainly from the 1950’s.
    Here’s Grandpa Jones – I’m No Communist:

    Relevant today:
    “Unless we stop inflation and take care of what we’ve got
    The Communists may win the fight and never fire a shot”
    Long gone are the days when people would actually save their money to buy a house or car or cow. It’s all on the never never.

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