Cyclists on pavements

Posted on by

Just when you thought it was safe to go out, the weather improves and suddenly it’s time for cycling cunts to appear on the pavements. These motherfuckers are so fucking stupid that they think they’re somehow “saving the planet” cunts ,!! How are they achieving this ? In fact we’re not supposed to be outdoors, particularly if you’re dressed up in Lycra and sweating over everyone. Smelly fucking cocksuckers with stupid hats simply aren’t a welcome sight in my neck of the woods and they need to learn that physical exertion is both disgraceful and disgusting. Cunts the lot of them,

Nominated by Jimmy the Spaz

77 thoughts on “Cyclists on pavements”

  1. Cyclings for children, chinese, and sex offenders.

    Or a mix of the above.

    • Fantastic nom virtuous signalling cunts ‘oh did I tell you how I’m considerably fitter and richer than thowe’ ‘did I tell you what a sizemic cunt you are and that I strongly believe I’d be doing a public service if every time I see a pair of you cunts riding 2 a breast I swerve and bat you in the hedge just enough to knock you off grazed broken limbs lessen learned’ now do us all a favour take your pump shove it up your arse preferably at about 50 psi

  2. Cyclists full stop.

    On the pavement, on the road, off the road….

    Biblical bunch of cunts.

  3. Jimmy, Bang on nom. Its cyclists in general i can’t abide.
    Since lock down I have noticed an exponential rise in the number middle-class, middle aged, doddering wankers with too much money and now time on their hands cycling in the local area.
    My utter loathing for these ‘Sir Chris Hoy’ soy boy wannabes is pretty strong at the best of times, but since the release of government ‘stay home or form a peloton’ advice, the distain for these Lycra clad dullards has gone through the roof.

    I accept and understand that we should take regular exercise. Up to an hour a day walking, jogging, (I swim in the river Wye in my y fronts) or cycling. Fine. But these fuckers must take an hour to get in to their skin tight tops and shorts not to mention the cleated shoes that make them walk like they shit themselves.

    I saw two clowns the other day, donning helmets with obligatory mirrored shades and serious pouting “we can do this!” face in Team GB vests. GB vests, that barely cover their paunch midriffs. CUNTS!

  4. Although I’m sure that there are the odd decent pushbikers (V.F),most are smug,entitled,arrogant Wankers who have a hissy fit when challenged…but it is worth confronting them Cunters…. Expect an initial burst of “banter” from them but marvel at the speed at which they can backpedal and start accusing you of picking on them when you offer a bit of your own “banter” in return.

    Don’t bother asking them if they don’t have a job that they should be at instead of bothering other people….they will only result in a deafening silence followed by them immediately pedalling off,pausing only about half a mile away to scream “Cunt” at you (they fondly imagine this to be “in your face”).

    Whinging little bitches who can’t stand being taught that “What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander”..(apologies for using some country-bumpkin expression but we thick yokels just can’t compete with the rapier-like wordplay of the “average” pushbiker).

    Nasty,weak pathetic Cunts who think that they are a cut above….it’s fun to teach them that they really aren’t.

    Fuck them.

    • Oh yeah forgot about Foxy!
      You carry on as you are mate, checked your papers.
      Not chinese, or a sex offender, keep it that way, and watch out for removalvans!
      Some of them veer near cyclists on purpose. 🚴🚚

      • Vernon’ll be round to kick your arse later.

        Morning Miserable.
        Morning All.

      • Morning Mr Fiddler,.

        I was reading a post of his last night and he was saying that ‘No-one should visit this site if they are easily offended’. But that’s not really the point. The issue is the scurrying back to his foxhole once he has provoked.
        I have my friendly enemy on here (RT) but if he responds to something provocative I have said more often than not I will reply, try and defend my position. Not so with our vulpine like friend who sticks his head up out of his foxhole says the word ‘Cunt’ then hunkers down again.

      • There is an American TV show called ‘Teen Shock’. Or was it a British one? Anyway, the premise of the programme to give sulky hopeless dope smoking layabout Teens a short sharp shock to somehow provoke them into changing their attitude and start living a more responsible life.
        Start to live really.
        Anyway, one was they sent them to some to some South American tribe. There they were in their goth gear and the look on the tribe leader’s face….Anyway it came to killing an animal for dinner. The whole fucking stupd lot of them in fucking tears, and refusing to eat it. All sat in a sulk back at their camp starving. As I say the contempt on the leader’s face. As though he was thinking ‘Oh fucking grow up’.

      • Morning Dick,
        Foxy does loads of martial arts!
        hoping he cant climb trees!😬

      • Morning Miserable,

        My other thought this morning. The feeling that our response to the virus is like how the England team invariably performs.
        Yes there we were with a new team. A new charismatic captain in Boris. The competition starts. The Euros if you will. Surprisingly Italy gets off to a bad start, Spain as well. But England hasn’t entered the competition yet. There is hope this time What a chance to do well. Finally show those other countries what we can do. Now France is failing. Come on England! Come on England! Now we enter the fray. We have supposedly learned from them their tactics.
        But that initial hope is turning to disappointment. The scores are against us. Oh, let’s get the agony over.

      • FFS – Removalvans! I thought, fuckin’ hell another load of effnics. Perhaps they’re related to Moldovans, only they find it easier to move around.😙

      • Me and Ruff have been talking.
        We think its best we put you in sheltered accommodation.
        😌

      • You’ll have to get past the defences first. Social services have been trying for several years and they’ve been driven back several times.
        😀

      • Are you doing the removal Miserable? Don’t break his framed signed Queen Mother photo and royal weddings memorabilia.

      • Morning LL. Used Miserable once and found out he didn’t have public liability insurance. Smashed all my best china
        (Oh, not supposed to mention that word) and
        put his size 12’s through my ceiling.

  5. Just like in most things in life there will always be the Cunt, and cyclists are not exception.

    A lot of them seem quite responsible people: driving on the roads, near the kerbside, with lights and hi-viz markings. They also seem to know the Highway Code too.

    But then you get the twats who wouldn’t know the Highway Code if it slapped them in the bollocks either because a) they’re too thick to learn big words; or b) they think the rules don’t apply to them.

    As a consequence they act like complete cunts, and then get all arsey when a driver or pedestrian dares get in their way.

    Fortunately I don’t see many of these entitled cunts in this part of the Lake District; but when I lived in Birmingham it was quite the reverse: irresponsible cycling cunts everywhere, day and night, on the roads, on the pavements; even on the fucking M5 motorway junction 4 on one occasion!

    They don’t need insurance, they don’t get taxed, they don’t even need a licence- they’re free to do whatever they want because they’re saving the planet and everyone is just a cunt.

    • Round here, Cardiff “metropolitan”, the cunts just think the rules don’t apply to them. Just as well I don’t have a gun, I really would have no hesitation whatsoever…

  6. Absolute cunts to a man/woman either on the pavement or the road. Arrogant, pompous self-righteous cunts that my loathing knows no bounds. Especially the uber-cunts that cycle on the road next to an off-road cycle lane/path. These cunts should be shot and left at the side of the road in a gibbet to ensure that cyclists understand their folly.

    A fine cunting worthy of a Royal Seal Of Approval.

    • Good to see you back and on top form,DCI.

      @Nurse Cunty….please come back…although I personally didn’t agree with all of your points (would be bloody odd if we were all always in total agreement) I enjoyed reading your thoughts.

  7. Cyclists who infuriate me are the ones who try to keep up with motorised traffic by racing along at speeds approaching 30mph in built up areas. Usually whilst cycling dead in the middle of the lane, not kerbside.

    They can’t sustain 30mph on the uphill and then reach almost 40mph on the downhill. Trying to overtake these cunts when driving is a pain in the arse. Oh, and this type is always clad in lycra, wearing what looks like a bunch of bananas on their head.

    The same type that tries to undertake drivers turning left at junctions (indicating clearly) and then screaming a tirade of abuse when they and their silly banana helmets are almost transformed into compote.

    Cuntwipes.

    • Morning Paul
      Had one of these yesterday, exactly as you describe!
      But had a cautious women driver between us, when she turned off he heard me changing gear and starting to accelerate an moved,
      But up till then he was deliberately stopping the woman from overtaking the sly cunt.

    • I completely agree Paul. They’re without a doubt the biggest cunts of the lot. You eventually get past the fucker then he overtakes you when you actually bother to stop at a red light and he doesn’t (because it doesn’t apply to him does it), then have repeat the whole fucking process all over again.

      Fucking turds.

  8. I have to confess, after needing knee surgery after decades of playing physical contact sport. I have taken up cycling .
    But not the Lycra clad “I own the road” Entitled cunt type of cycling. Bridleways, designated cycle paths, tracks, etc.. And bike parks.
    Always check gates are firmly closed, always give way to horses etc.. Never go anywhere you shouldn’t be, and at all costs avoid roads & paths like the plague..
    I can go out for an hour or two and encounter half a dozen people at most.. And that is exactly how I like it because in my experience, on the whole, by and large.. Generally
    People are cunts

    • Wish cyclist were all as common sense and diligent as you Uproar.

  9. Some years back the traffic on Holland park avenue was totally gridlocked and the lycra clad cunts had decided to start using the pavement to get through.

    Unfortunately for them, the Rottweiler would never give ground to anyone and a Mexican standoff ensued. Nine stone of muscle and teeth versus a dozen entitled fucktards who were now trapped in a bottleneck between a bus, a wall and a Rottweiler.

    It took them at least a minute and a lot of tutting before they all had to do the little shuffle dance to back up and get into the road.

    That dog had a mean sense of humour and hated anything on less than four wheels.

    • Four wheels good, two wheels bad 😂

      (Animal Farm for those who haven’t read George Orwell books. Should be mandatory at school, along with 1984).

  10. When I lived in London cyclists were the bain of my life. Proper lycia clad little n@zis of the road the lot of em…..
    The worst thing for me about cyclists though is their fucking discusting calf muscles that they always have to have on show…. 🤢🤢🤮

  11. Completely agree with this Nom. When Jeremy Fuckfacing Vine has his way and we’re all on bastard bikes, where’s the eye-watering amount of fuel duty / Vat going to come from, to maintain the roads* which the motorist has provided for these “Pedal Powered Parasites” ?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eS5fQqnB24U

    *or even pavements for that matter !

  12. What a surprise – that much vaunted and delayed 84 tonnes of PPE flown in from Turkey by the RAF last month has turned out to be… DUFF.

    Totally unusable. Perhaps vulnerable frontline workers should be issued with lycra suits instead?

    The Government is currently deciding whether to ask the Turkish scammers for it’s money back…

    • You’d hope lessons have been learned, we should produce vital stuff in the UK, it’s negligence to rely on third world shitholes.

    • They will be ok for the BAME workers, not wanting to be racist or anything

      The fucking news are still banging on about the racist virus, ‘What the fuck, if the virus effects ‘effnicks’ more that us white folk it’s tough shit’

    • Currently deciding shouldn’t even be something to think about, Just do it, it’s not like Kebabinople has done the West any other good deeds recently.
      Appalling shower of chisellers and rogues.

  14. I suggest always taking a walking stick with you when out and about. Shove it into the front wheel of any cycle being ridden in a dangerous manner, stand back and enjoy the ensuing entertainment.

    • Morning, Guzziguy, I have a stick. I might try that as you suggest.

      Cyclists, some, not all, are cans of can’t.

      Morning all.

      • Nothing too expensive; if is unlikely that the blighter on the bike will be prepared to compensate you for damage to your cane.

      • You could also damage it further by using it to try and flatten out the lump on the cunt’s head, á la Tom and Jerry.

  15. There’s a big difference between riding a bike and being a Cyclist. Although I do neither, partly because as MNC says, I’m not 12.
    Cyclists are smug, selfish pricks. There’s loads of them round here, cluttering up the country roads making it impossible to overtake. In a car, which is what adults use for transport.
    Cyclists spend thousands on effeminate little shorts, Alien-style hats, absurdly overpriced accessories and of course a bike costing the same as a car (which is what adults use). Basically it’s golf.
    Cyclists have a capital “C”. As do Cunts.

  17. Any adult male who willingly wears Lycra is a closet woofter intent on wiggling his arse in the faces of the less fortunate driver behind his puffing,tortuous struggle up a shallow incline.
    Lycra is for svelte young females only, no exceptions.
    I’ve often thought that some sort of apparatus whereby a broom can shoot out of the passenger window as I drive pass and push these fuckers into the ditch would be a novel and entertaining method of cleaning the roads.

    • The arse wiggle and the flashing red light under the saddle lets the cyclist behind know the they are up for some bum fun.

  18. Cyclist on the Footpath = cunt
    Cyclists in peloton formation = mega cunts

  19. A capital piece of cunting sir!
    Cyclists by and large are proper cunts. I’m ok with people riding a bike, but the wannabe Chris Hoy types, with their ridiculous Spider-man outfits and self-righteous attitude are insufferable cunts. What makes me laugh is that they really think that they look the part, instead of looking like a lycra loony.
    As Cuntlestiltskin above so neatly puts it, lycra is strictly for svelte young women only.
    Morning all.

    • I was out for a walk yesterday and two cyclists, a father and son, came toward me on the pavement. I made a point of stepping onto the grass and standing out of their way, which embarrassed him into saying thank you as they rode past.

      • At least they felt guilt.

        Normally cyclists are incapable of self-reflection, except when they look in the mirror.

        Cunts.

  20. I’ve just been in Lidl and there was a young girl (probably 20 something) wearing tight Lycra bottoms and a lycra crop top. Saw her as I was walking in, I ushered her in front of me, disguising a chivalrous gesture as a rouse to ogle her arse, whcih was utterly divine. She had a wonderful rack as well.

    Then, purely coincidentally I was behind her at the tills, she bent over to get a bag and I got an eyeful of her camel toe ‘hanging’ down’ like two miniature lycra covered bananas – complete with wet patch.

    I immediately got the horn and filed this memorable image away in the Visual Wank Bank, where I imagine it will stay at No.1 for quite a while…

  21. Good morning, all! ‘New normal’ cyclists are like born again Christians! They suddenly seen the light and added a few more quid to the Amazon billions by buying all new kit. Not sure what the collective noun for a group of cyclists is, but one swarmed by me as I was getting into my car. The amount of dayglo was like a nuclear blast and far to much for me, and I suffered a bout of Arc Eye, in the wee small hours!

  22. There’s a little millennial cunt who cycles on the pavement past me regularly. Little fucker (classic entitled type. Can tell that just by looking at the little sod) is going to get my size 12 doc marten’s up his arse if he gets in my way again… Little shizer also uses his phone while cycling on the pavement. Perfect kick up the khyber material, this cunt.

      • I don’t know if it’s a just local to me or part of a wider phenomenon, but recently I’ve seen two or three instances where a bike left chained to a post or fence has had the spokes of the tyres kicked in.
        Bike vigilantes striking back??

  23. When I am President I will be enforcing laws against “Scrattists” – scratter cyclists! (This is a path not a road fella, get off it or I will throw you into the road – which I have done before, bike and all, grumpy aggressive beast I am!)
    Off the path c*nt, that’s a red light you just ran c*nt, you wouldn’t cut that vehicle up so quickly if your intestines were being fired from your anus as you lie under it crushed and dying in horrific agony c*nt, trainers dragged on the floor are not a substitute for brakes c*nt, use the phone when you are stationary c*nt, both hands on the bars f*ckwit – and road traffic LAW is compulsory not advisory you tool!
    YOU CYCLING LOT! Out the f*cking way, people want to get by, stop riding 5 wide and 300 long, you are not Chris Hoy or Chris Boardman, stop dressing like a tw*t, shorts and t shirt are all you need – you spent HOW MUCH on that thing? Does it suck your c*ck? No? Well for that price..
    You do not own the road scratters, that’s just the thing you will be smeared along when it all goes wrong due to your stupidity – and, just as an afterthought – I know how vital it is on your “olympic training machine” for everything to be as light as possible (notwithstanding the rider is usually 3 stone overweight!) but do me a favour and fit some f*cking lights – being rich and arrogant won’t save you with two tonnes of road vehicle slamming into you at seventy on a dark road!
    The roads are currently plagued with temporary cyclists, and by jingo Sir – they are a pain in the arse!
    Families of them, aggressive Daddy on the outside, dumby Mummy on the inside trying to shepherd two uncontrollable kids, all the herd doing 3MPH and heaven forfend you would ever ACTUALLY LOOK BEHIND as you and yours are clearly immortal and cars are made of foam!
    I spend a fortune on lights (check out a Lezyne 1200XL price 😨) and other road safety equipment, obey road traffic laws (a bicycle is a road vehicle) and ride with courtesy and sense – it stops pissing other road users off and might actually save your life!
    Good nom – far too many cyclists are CUNTS who do not seem to realise – we all share the road, nobody owns it!
    The fact I have my eye on a belated birthday present of a Pinarello pursuit bike (laaarvly!) has of course nothing to do with it, and I find it funny to watch the lycra warriors fly by me an aggressive inch away in town to blast by their red faced panting sweating cadavers 5 miles later with a cheery “morning” – knowing they are too f*cked to even say it back, and even funnier annihilating them on 30 quids worth of old hybrid bike – not so badass now are we Tarquin you probable middle management type? 🤣🤣
    Again, far too many cyclists are c*nts – the rules of the road apply to ALL.
    (And lycra should only be worn by lovely gals, my young lady is madly into health and fitness and such nonsense and as such possesses a World class derriere, which is very easy on the eye when poured into short shorts – most pleasing Sir!)
    We need Sir Fiddler, the pickup of punishment and the shouting disapproval of the hounds on this one – that will wake the errant lycra warriors up! 😁👍☠
    On other news, I got some more onions to plant.

  24. Am really looking forward to Vol. 2.
    My thoughts exactly on these twats, V!

  25. The only sweating cyclist I’d like to see is Jennifer Lawrence. After she’s finished her ride I’d sniff and lick the cycle seat clean for her after, that’s the kind of nice guy I am.

  26. Every year we now get Tour De Fucking Yorkshire up here. Shut all the roads, can’t get to work. But the manager at the local Halfords must cream his pants knowing how many “Margo and Jerry” cunts will be in, spunking the credit card on cycling gear that will go back in the shed after one month.

  28. Morbidly obese triple wide cunts gallumphing and huffing and puffing two or three abreast along designated cycle paths forcing cyclists onto the pavement

    Cunts

  29. Random one but I make serious money selling, servicing and repairing bikes – I am genuinely amazed the owners don’t know how to do it and won’t look on youtube to learn how. (And no need for “Mr Taxman” to be robbing me of course – cash is King!)
    But as I charge half what a bike shop does and have a good reputation I get plenty of work so all good! 😁👍🚲

  30. There are many of said cyclists here in North Yorkshire. They used to annoy me until found that winding down my car window and loudly shouting “wanker” in a comedy high-pitched voice as I pass them actually cheers me up! 😀

Comments are closed.