Alan Harper

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ALAN HARPER:

Oh dear…. a more in sorrow than in anger cunting please for Mr Harper who has reached the age of 76 still believing that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Ageing would-be-next press sensation Mr. H is walking round his garden……. Captain Tom (Happy 100th birthday by the way)… a Poundland imitation of the Captain. A charity single with fellow OAP Madonna….Read it yourselves, I haven’t the heart or stomach to go on with this. Fuck off……

Granddad is raising money for charity by walking around his garden dressed as a gnome

Nominated by W. C. Boggs

54 thoughts on “Alan Harper”

  1. My sister was employed as a gnome a few years back on cunt Jools Hollands Hootennany. Paul Weller tried to get in her drawers.

    • Sorry mr Boggs, im going to veer left on this one.
      Just a nice old english eccentric, harmless, what made this country great the mentally unstable!
      Throw him a couple of quid, well done Alan the gnome.👍

  2. Sad. Sorry gnomeboy, it’s been done. The media only have room for one eccentric old cunt that they can patronise. I bet, back in the day, this knobhead used to do piss poor impressions of Frank Spencer and wonder why nobody laughed. Ooooh Betty…….fuck off cunt.

      • I think the new gnomeboy might be a job opportunity for Harry Hewitt.

    • I bet his Frank Spencer impressions were better than Lenny fucking Henry’s. Lenny Henry is a cunt.

  3. Fucks sake! Another eccentric old ‘snatcher’ looking to seize the lime light and nation’s adulation. “Mrs Daz – Please pass me one of the nice new shiny 9mm parabellum rounds from the top drawer love please”.

    The round is for me……

  5. They’ll all be at it sooner or later!

    “Look at me dressed like a cunt, hopping round my back garden while fisting myself! Come on, give us a few quid for the NHS. I’m a sad attention-seeking cunt with nothing better to do!”

  8. No doubt, in the not too distant future, this dithering old cunt will soon be ‘Care Gnomed’…………… I see Shithead O’Brien has commenced his smug diatribe (using 50 words when 6 will do) at the government in relation to care homes….The fact that 84% of care home beds in England owned by private firms seems irrelevant to him…

    • Bet he has jokey little signs in his house,
      ‘Gnome sweet gnome’
      ‘Gnome is where the heart is’
      ‘Im tired and I wanna go gnome’.?
      Great bloke!👍

  10. So who, other than his immediate neighbours are actually going to notice this unless he has constant TV coverage?
    daft twat, attention seeking used to be the preserve of millennial shit and the Left, doesn’t this sad berkshire hunt have any children or grandchildren who care enough to dissuade him from being a fool?
    Yawn, he should be doing a sponsored ‘get the clap’a-thon with a different brass each week instead.

  12. Had to go to the very last page of my book for this one!
    When is a Gnome not a Gnome?

    When he’s up a fairy’s skirt, he’s a Goblin.

  13. they’ve all gone fucking mad – rather than this shit we should be getting out of this fucking lockdown

  14. Even though the cunt is in his garden, he still has to obey the Elf and Safety rules.

    • Morning Bertie, good to see you aaaht and abaaaht enjoying the garden. How much have you raised so far?

      • Afternoon LL and Jack. Top of the mornin’ to yer.
        Fuck, I’ve gone and morphed into a leprechaun now.

  15. Look at the size of his garden……..and he can afford gnomes! Cunt is minted. Put your hand in your pocket gnomeboy and stop begging for attention and virtue signalling points. And fuck off.

  16. So how come this cunt raises loads of money for charity yet when I play the ‘You weren’t expecting that game’ for charity no one contributes?
    The game consists of me hiding in the woods and jumping aaaaht holding my knob whenever I see a female dog walker.

    • One of our local female dog walkers has a Rottie cross which she describes as being “a bit weird about men”, as she struggles to hold the slavering brute back from passersby. You may well need to hold onto your parts with that one…

      • I had to run for my life when I encountered that dog Komodo, I was running away shouting ‘Racist dog, help… help’. Everybody seemed to want to comfort the lady and didn’t care abaaaaaht me.

      • Some say the poor hound died of laughter on seeing your tackle, others that it died of sheer envy.
        As for the gnome blighter, he can fuck off, fuck right off, do not pass ‘Go’, do not collect £200. The cunt.

  17. Where did Admin get the picture of RTC covering up an inappropriate horn?

    • Not me. On account of the fact that I hate gnomes, don’t like gardening, don’t have a beard, never leave my bedroom, and don’t wear any clothes.

  18. I didn’t even need to fully read this to realise the geezer is a cunt. Good causes I get it, take my hat off to you sir, but a fucking Gnome, piss off!

    Bet he fucks his missus (or himself) dressed like that.

    • I bet he’s got Smurfs bed linen and Smurfs wallpaper in his bedroom.

  19. Apologies for this.
    I’m sure it’s been mentioned on ISAC before, but MNCs reference to eccentic / mentally unstable pensioners made me think of the case brought up on the tv show QI several years ago regarding 2 residents of Great Yarmouth’s Haslemere Home for the Elderly around 1960 or 1961.
    The first was Gladys Elton (81) who performed a striptease a result of which one resident had a heart attack and another five had to be treated for shock.
    The second was Harry Meadows (87) who, for a joke, dressed up as Death complete with scythe and knocked at the lounge room window beckoning the people inside to come out. Another three people died of shock as a result of his prank.
    Proper British geriatric eccentrics. Always makes me smile.

    • They sound like proper eccentrics DD, thats what I aspire to be when I’m an old cunt.

  20. Reasons he’s a cunt: he didn’t think of it, he’s not 100, and he’s into gnomes. Mitigating factors: No worse than any aspect you care to name of Comic Relief, and for a better cause. Guilty as charged. Five years suspended, by the ears. Next.

  21. Expect St Greta of Arseburgs, to prance around her back-garden dressed as an environmentally-friendly Dalek screaming “Exterminate, exterminate! You ruined my childhood. Exterminate!”

  22. Is it Sleeping Beauty or Rapunzel or other soft Disney ™ cunt who has a load of gnomes following her about?
    Fuck knows but this old bugger should do 5 laps then arse fuck an inflatable Disney character of his choice.
    That would be worth someone sponsoring it.

    • Oi, leave my missus out of it, she knows nothing about it.
      And I’m not vertically challenged either despite the moniker.

  23. Perhaps this is a consequence of the lockdown, many people have and will become a bit doolally…I have to say I’ve noticed a few cunters seem to be getting a bit…let’s say angry, vicious and a little bit radicalised by the shite were in at the moment.
    I of course remain calm and collected and like to stir the pot when I feel it’s needed.

  25. No one has a original thought these days. It is very depressing. Look if you want to raise a few quid, raise a few quid. I hate these charity cunts that raise money but going for walks or a bike ride. Fucking cunts the lot of them and I would never ever give them a penny. I am not paying someone to go on holiday and climb a mountain. Its a scam. Look if you want to raise money for wheelchair users then fucking use one for a month and then I will sponsor you. If you want to raise money for the homeless then sleep on the streets for a week and I will dip in my pockets. Why is it we have to give money to folk doing fun stuff. If you want to raise awareness or money then imerse yourself in the suffering you claim to wish to relieve. Live it. Major charities do not want to solve a problem. Off hand I can think of no major charity that have packed up shop because they met thier aims. How long have we had kids in need and comic relief. The fact we need it every year tells me all I need to know about the usefulness of such ventures. Do water charities really want to help. How about they help people who live in dry places with no crop potential to move to a place where there is water or crops. How about the charities advise the natives that it is not advised to live in places not designed for humans to thrive. I am not David Icke type but I am wondering how badly they want to cure aids or cancer or famine. Once a problem is solved then the reason for the charity to exist is removed. Again if a charity does serve a purpose ( I am talking major charities ) then why the fuck do they keep failing to solve the problem. You think by now they would have worked it out. You can go back to the 80s and see issues that are still being discussed today. Billions have been raised, if not more, and we still have the problems. If anything the charities are saying they are worse, ipso facto, money is not the solution.

    Its a bit like the police and fire folk. They give out crime reduction advice and fire safety but they would be the first to moan if they are made redundant because we all followed the advice. If we all followed heath advice, and I mean all of us, then the unions would be up in arms because we need to sack thousands of unrequired staff. I know a copper. Riots and crime spikes are a boon time to be a cop. Overtime and action. Its what they sign up for.

    Who benefits. Ask yourself at all times.

    This is only aimed at the big charities rather than a local crew trying to raise a few quid for a mini bus.

  26. He’s probably ‘shielding’ or something. Doomed to make laps of his garden forever more. Just a shame Ken Russell isn’t around to film it then set it to some 60s psychedelia.

  27. Aghhhh… And the old git is doing it all for charridy. Yuk!

    These “colourful” characters are really the dullest sods you could ever wish not to meet.

    They dress up and show off but they just bore the arse off people. And they think if it’s done in a good cause you can’t touch ’em.

    I ain’t laughing at this gnome = stupid bugger.

  28. “He’s probably ‘shielding’ or something. Doomed to make laps of his garden forever more. Just a shame Ken Russell isn’t around to film it then set it to some 60s psychedelia.”

    I’d prefer Kurt Russell, dressed up as Wyatt Earp with his six guns then he could shoot the old wazzook.

  29. He needs to shove that stupid fucking hat up his ringer the Dopey cunt (see what I did there?)

  30. Gnomes? Filthy backwards disease spreading invading hateful p*dophile thieving murderous t*rrorist inbred scrounging lying pieces of “Human” sewage!
    Apologies, meant pakis.
    Harmless old eccentric, whatever floats your boat and doesn’t hurt anyone else, crack on.
    Excuse my unexpected tolerance but I am having a fucking good day! 😁👍
    Be back to my normal cunt self tomorrow!

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