Online Training Courses

It’s time for my compulsory annual GDPR online training course, after which completing, I shall destroy my workstation with a hammer and kill the next three layers of management. It’s that fucking bad. The brain bleeds at the sheer unnecessary waste of time and cognition required to click through the pages and sub-pages of jokily illustrated guff….illustrated, yes, with cheaply animated pictures of ethnic wimminz with watermelon smiles, in office garb, haunting every single fucking page. Obligatory, that.

Assembled by an external consultancy no doubt making millions from this utter waste of time. Millions urgently needed elsewhere in my organisation, in my area of which necessary funding has dried up completely.

Do I have access to sensitive personal data? Do I fuck. I’m not management. None, zilch, nada. Do I need a detailed description of the law as it applies to free ballpoints with the customer’s name on?* Are any of my colleagues coloured? No. Are bad actors fully trained in the art of extracting data from networks without my accidental help? Yes. And they didn’t need to do this shit course either.

Allow me to cunt the gradual replacement of on-the-job commonsense by online “training” courses sold to gullible management suits by corporate scammers, to the frustration of the victims and to no useful end whatever.

* I made this up, but you get the idea.

Nominated by Komodo

82 thoughts on “Online Training Courses

  1. You don’t need to train to be a cunt, you either are or you’re not.

    Goodbye for now.

    • Wow Random, bit rude.
      Good nom Komodo!👍
      Missus is in education,
      She does similar shite from home to obtain extra in-house qualifications.
      Hear her sighing heavily, mumbling when she does it so obviously its a ball ache.
      Never swears though!
      Doesnt really swear my missus.
      Unlike me, im a right foulmouthed fucker.

      • She doesn’t swear, just goes outside and batters passers-by with a rolling pin?

      • Totally different people Mogs, shes tiny, im massive, she doesnt swear i have tourettes,
        She thinks good of everyone, i think the worst.
        Its only our love of ballroom dancing that binds us together.

      • I knew a fellow who HATED ballroom dancing. And that was the only thing his missuz liked

      • Between us 3strokes ive only a vague idea what ballroom dancing is,
        Like line dancing but without a stetson isnt it?

      • I’ve been in new job, online training at home. I was deliberately muted by team leader as I was effing and blinding a lot.
        If Cuntbyn-19 doesn’t get me, the training course will.
        I shall have to sign up to the Civil Service mental elf issues club…

  2. What a good cunting Komodo ! Im now retired ( thank fuck ) and no longer have to do “Statutory” training in OOOman Rytes, EEEKWahl oppooortoonities etc.
    Statys had to be completed annually, otherwise my registration would be effected. This “comply ” with the intended indoctrination “or else you can’t work ” is a malignancy created by the mong brigade.
    To top it, each fucking 3 years , I had to pay a fucking fortune to the Professional Body for the priviledge of applying their mongshit.

    So fucking sorry for all you poor fuckers out there that HAVE to do it still . But I’M off the Fucking Loop !

    Cunts, all training shite are cunts .

  3. Nothing like a bit of GDPR legislation to get the tiers of paper-shuffling management frothing at the gash with excitement.

    I had all this shit last year. Not from within our own organisation but booklets of brainfarts issued by many blue chip companies we provide services to. There are tiers of management in these larger companies dedicated to the proliferation of useless wank surrounding this legislation when just a simple schedule of bullet points and do’s/don’ts would be more than sufficient.

    We British seem to revel in this shite.

    Come the revolution, come the revolution. Yeh, fucking dream on cunters…

  4. And, after all that training, you’ll still be clueless about GDPR.

    Good cunting.

  5. I do have sympathy with the modern workforce, I had plenty of shit to go through before I retired.

    It seems that management/corporate wankers like to hit everything with one big swing and I have the perfect example

    The company I worked for several years ago decided it would be a good idea to get everyone to complete ‘skills training’ so everyone would have a ‘skills card’.
    Now the skills card is very relevant and indeed essential if you want to work on a building site, I have never been anywhere near a building site, neither had my colleagues nor 95% of the staff.
    Corporate madness!!

    By the way, I am not sure why Komodo is getting so much negativity over this nom, maybe it’s all the isolation getting to cunters.

  6. It’s not just on-line courses that are shite. During my long career I did everyfucking course under the sun. Technical ones can be good. I used to give them myself. But the rest – management bollocks, motivational bollocks, safeguarding bollocks, equality horseshit ad nauseum. Good cunting.

  7. I worked for a well known bank some years back and they were full of this shit.

    Every other week, there would be a threatening email with a hyperlink instructing yours truly to complete the five modules by the end of the week or face being ‘excluded from the premesis’.

    Mostly the modules were about banking law, the separation of the private and public parts of the bank, insider trading etc. All wrapped up in banking jargon and legalese.

    I wouldn’t have minded if it wasn’t for the fact that I was an engineer sent to project manage the replacement of their air conditioning system and none of it meant anything to me.

    And don’t even start me on GDPR (still none the wiser) and ‘corporate responsibility’. Whatever the fuck that is.

    Stupid time wasting cunts.

    • TT Odin’s Balls @4:04 – think yourself lucky they didn’t make you do the money laundering s*ite – tick the computer box to say you have read it, try not to run face first into a wall etc, ask the “Training” Manager for a breakdown on the legislation a week later and watch their embarrassment as you find out they have no idea about the legislation they are ordering you to go through foreeeeever!
      Jeeeez, no learning, no knowledge or grasp of the subject, just scroll down, tick the box and then blag the assessment answers from the drone at the next workspace – quality training! 🤣

  8. Nothing wrong with a good training course – I passed my driving test by correspondence course!

  9. The ones that pissed me off were the ones shown when working in warehouses. I worked in a number and they all showed the same ones. One company I worked for, for well over a year, made me watch them the fucking day I left.

  10. I have spent thousands and carried 8 different cards at one time just be able to apply for work. My wallet was like Sheriff Culpeppers in Live and let die eventually so I’ve dropped 5 (telecoms mast rigger) and kept the other 3.
    Which I have to reapply and pay for every 3-5 years, presumably in case I forget how to do what I’ve been doing for the last 37 years.
    If this was a driving licence there’d be uproar.
    Fleecing the muggy public under the auspices of elf n safety, I wouldn’t do an online course, I want to see somebody work for my hard earned not email a set list of questions and lazily mark it up at the end of each month.
    A fair cunting IMO.

  11. I will get on to what I meant to rant about in a minuet, but training courses online or face to face are arse covering exercises by the company employing to cover their arse in any litigation.
    You hurt yourself / you broke it / you hurt / offended someone else, it’s your fault you have the accredited training so it is your fault ( I used to be an in house trainer)
    But this is my cunting, where I work we have ATO’s (authority to operate) various bits of kit.
    I have a member of staff who has been given an ATO to use my vehicle, however he has no tail lift ATO he needed to complete a 2 day course that will cover, an up button, a down button, unfolding and folding up/ securing the platform more than likely swl of the platform, not getting his feet or any part of his body pinched by it (we are not allowed to go up and down on them any more) and I would imagine the two isolation switches will be mentioned.
    Here you go, see that yellow box there? top switch makes it go up, bottom switch makes it go down, you must keep your finger on the button for it to move.
    To drop the lift press down button until it clears the catch there, unfold the tail lift.
    either go up or down, put shit on tail lift and up or down, access vehicle bed via ladder do NOT ride the tail lift.
    when you are done lift platform half way up pull tab and fold platform press up make sure the tab locks into the lug. (isolate lift in cab at end of shift).
    How the fuck is that a two day course.

    • I get that, I was offered a free CSCS course, the Pt2 bit, but to get that I had to complete a two week warehouse training* course first, followed by a week for part 1 of the CSCS, which I’d already completed in 40 minutes and passed with 93%,1 week!
      Then finally the bit I wanted, which was a one day course, finished in under 5 hours privately but also another weeks training.
      A government scheme of course, publicly funded natch.
      So, 4 weeks training to gain 4 hours of accreditation, nice scam for the training outfit.
      * presumably instruction on how to use a pallet truck and lift a box without hernia.

      • I’ve done some similar sparky ones; I have to renew my ecs card, but at the mo, no one’s offering the required elf course…

        The answer’s spherical, and in the plural.

  12. Paul Johnson had a regular column in The Spectator which was called -‘And Another Thing’.
    I am bored to tears.

    • Im not bored.


    • Sunak’s voice always has sounded like Blair’s. He needs to get that sorted sharpish!

      Suggest he takes elocution lessons from Tim Martin or Ian Lavery. 😂

      • Fuck me, not Ian Lavery, every time I see/hear him I am sure he is going to eat his own face 😂

  13. GDPR is an EU law/directive and it’s a cunt.

    I’ve had to do the very same online ‘training course’ in my line of work.

    The way I saw it was it appears to give employers / corporations less freedom to snoop on you and or use information against you, trackers on vehicles being the one that was most pertinent to me.

    I had no choice but to complete the course and part of completing it I had to consent to my employer being able to check my tracker in certain circumstances.

    I’m fine with that as I have fuck all to hide, however it would appear there a truly massive fines to be levied at organisations that breach the law, a fairly significant percentage of your turnover as I recall and that could wipe out your profits for a year or more.

    So it seems to me this is just another scam for those bastards in Brussels to potentially generate yet more lolly for their gravy train.

  14. You can ‘save’ your answers. So I just guessed them and those I got right I saved till the next time I could be arsed. How deliriously happy I was when the certificate appeared.

  15. Online training. Ugh!

    I prefer ILT (Instructor Led Training) because you can ask the cunt questions and get immediate feedback on your understanding of the material. A great instructor can make even the driest material fun to learn.

    That said, watching a training video allows you to hit pause, giving you time to look something up, double check something or try something out on the computer. In essence, you can learn at your own pace, which is great. Something you can’t often do with live ILT. The trouble is, pre-recorded videos can only present the material and level of detail as the original instructor saw it. Working in IT I’m both cursed and blessed with a brain hard wired to be logical, analytical and deeply curious. As something is being explained to me, my mind is thinking of questions about how X relates to Y? How does X work under Y conditions? If you change X to Y, do you need to configure Z? You get the idea. Video training cannot support that mode of thinking and is thus less effective.

    Like many things in IT, a different way to do something is often adopted because it’s cheaper rather than better. The fucking cloud being a prime example (I really need to write up a nom about how that’s BS warmed up). Online training, even live online training, is cheaper to deliver, but it’s just not as effective as live ILT.

    I’m working my way through some online training at the moment and consistently have more questions than answers, so it takes 2 to 3 times longer to get through the material because I have to figure out the answers for myself. Cost effective? I don’t think it is.

    • 😀

      ‘I’m working my way through some online training at the moment and consistently have more questions than answers’

      But you must know IY There are more questions than answers
      Pictures in my mind that will not show
      There are more questions than answers
      And the more I find out the less I know
      Yeah, the more I find out the less I know’


      • I’m glad you feel my pain, Miles. Thanks for that. It made me laugh. Cheers – IY.

  16. You missed the obvious point. Or you made it and I’m a dozy cunt;

    This is not training. This is mandatory corporate liability avoidance. The consternation you feel is the big corporate dick of your gold plated boss cunt that you feel edging its way up yer brown pipe whilst you hunch over the screen for 30 minutes, taking that progressive business strategy right to heart.

    Training would actually benefit you and not feel like posh bum rape.

    • I agree. Our focus is different – don’t think anyone’s being dozy. Training – by contrast with that shit – would be by people with personal experience of the field (and of the corporate context), able to answer questions, and preferably in the same room. It would not be mandatory for people who do not need it and will not benefit from it. It would be relevant. I am not bitching about that kind of training – first aid and hazardous substances seem to be covered that way, and it works for me.

  17. Fucking NHS has ’em in spades. Straight to the quiz, (nearly) every time. Waste of my time.

      • Still on the ventilator. Tried to extubate him a few times, without success. Doesn’t look good. Cheers for asking.

      • Thanks for letting us know. Here’s hoping he can gain the necessary strength for another try. Very best wishes from me and I’m sure the ISAC crew at large.

  18. Your incessant desire for attention is rather touching, CS.
    Do feel free to continue counting the responses, as I genuinely can’t be arsed. And…. I say again. And do you by any chance compile the tedious exercises in pointless corporate boxticking described by this little cunting? Looks like I hit a nerve!

    • Tedium is a CS speciality. Cue protestations of innocence, followed by ‘I did my research, and this CS fellow…..’ blah.

  19. In unrelated news…..the Yanks’ version of Magic Grandpa, Bernie Sanders, has pulled out of the race to be the demoncratic nomination for the US presidential election.

    Oh no!!

    That’ll mean no free healthcare for everyone. No free higher education for everyone. No scrapping of all student loans. No $1.2T (yep – trillion) spending on climate change – 25% of the US economy. No income caps for everyone earning over a certain amount ($250K/p.a. I think it was), with the excess being taxed at 100%. Oh christ on a bike – it’s a disaster.

    This paves the way for sleepy Joe Biden to become the nomination. The guy who barely knows what day of the week it is and is yet to answer questions about how come his son, Hunter Biden, got a job on the board of a Ukrainian energy company earning millions, when (a) he had zero experience in the energy industry and (b) his dad, Joe Biden, under instructions from Obama, was in charge of Ukrainian affairs while he was vice president. I smell fish!

    Trump need not turn up for the presidential debates. He could sent his wig along and Biden still couldn’t cope with the cross.

    • It always spoke volumes that the media were more interested in impeaching Trump for asking the question than the question itself. Cunts.

      • Yep. Tango is obligated to protect US interests and not deal when corruption or the potential for it is present. The whole quid pro quo thing was BS because Tango never asked for anything in exchange. There was no basis, legal or otherwise, for the attempted impeachment, but that wasn’t the point.

        The point was to discredit Tango and associate the word impeachment with Trump in the minds of the voters. It was a tactic to influence the next election because they know they can’t beat him at the polls fair and square.

        What the Demoncrats have done and continue to do is a national disgrace. Anyone who supports or votes for them hates America.

  20. No Cunt has ever asked me to do an online training course…I feel slightly deprived.

    My presence isn’t even really welcomed at the first-aid courses that I sometimes have to attend…and as for the “refresher” course for using a chainsaw that I once had to attend…it didn’t end well….some Fucker trying to tell me the “correct” way to start a
    saw indeed.

    Fuck Off.

    • They are a waste of time, money and effort DF – I had to pay for my own security licence and a CRB advanced check, sitting around as a doorman using to dealing with coked up lunatics who will only stop their insane drug fuelled violence by being choked out or a nerve scrambler and restraint listening to a “f*cking child” as I ended up calling him telling me about “negotiation and de-escalation” when dealing with some customers who are quite frankly savages.
      Polite, friendly and courteous is always good – and I am no bully but trying to “de-escalate” 8 armed members of Leeds Service crew (which I have had before) – would have left me “not alive”.

    • Admin@
      Some of my posts have dissapeared?
      Whys that?
      Have i done something wrong?

      Yes I is a capital letter, someone of importance!, apart from that no, we are admin heavy right now and someone let a troll in (fucking TA admin) when I nuked them your responses disappear too, otherwise you would look a bit of a twat Talking to yourself.

      • Oh, Im bored of the trolls now, cant understand them, thought theyd be more fun, bit weary though aren’t they?
        Thought theyd liven things up but boring fuckers arent they?
        NO FUN😢

  21. 👾👾👾👾👾👾👾👾

    Admin, this is art.

    OK MNC you have my attention, what next a cock picture?

    • Nice one, MNC.
      Is that a little image of a m0sque at the bottom?
      Here’s my version…

  22. Money laundering was one of them. 😂

    ‘Pressure and stress. what it can do to you’ was another one.

    All I wanted to do was replace the air con. System.
    I wasn’t planning to rob the place or go postal on the trading floor.

    • They LOVE komodo!!
      Hes like when they chum the water for sharks,
      Or a goat tied to a tree for tigers.
      Komodo, wonder why your the catnip of the tròll world?

      • I think it’s just one, MNC, though there may be a couple of nicks running at once, and it is desperate for attention. When it sits up and begs attractively, I sometimes throw it a bone, and then – there is no collusion, incidentally – Admin boots it off. In these sad times, we all need a diversion, don’t we?

        Maximum two from a certain location, Now I know it will sound odd, but CS was not a TROLL he was called to task by the boss and failed to answer due to his made up e-mail address, He was just annoying and that got him banned.
        MNC did do an old boy request and asked that we let the odd one in, we do that, you asked for it you normally have them sussed by the third post, there have been a few instances where you (as a pack) have been totaly wrong and been horrid to new comers.
        Of course for as long as the lock down continues, people will be bored and they will play.
        Be safe Cunters, be strong, and see you on the other side.
        Carry on cunting.

      • They interested me for a bit Komodo, wanted them to have a forum, a platform, hear their side of things, but feel a bit underwhelmed,
        To be frank, cheated.

      • It’s just Walter Mitty bullshit MNC, a poke and prod merchant. Harmless really.

  23. Evening Gents, having been on and off this site for years, I’m still rather dense as to what goes on when these troll people get on here and do…well, what exactly?
    Sorry, I’m rather dense about all this. Would someone give it to me in layman’s terms?
    Does this person post as someone else to spread discord or something?

    First endearment, that gets them through first moderation, they are approved by a moderator, The system then will automatically let them through unless they are from a banned IP or use certain key words.
    Then a little like the famed fith columnist they seek to cause division and doubt amongst the members resulting in the break down of order as we know it.
    so yes.

    • Evening Mr Cunt Engine.

      From Number Two’s files:

      “Trolling is defined as creating discord on the Internet by starting quarrels or upsetting people by posting inflammatory or off-topic messages in an online community. Basically, a social media troll is someone who purposely says something controversial in order to get a rise out of other users.”

      Hope that helps.

      Be seeing you.

      Top of the class RTC

      • EEvening RTC.
        Blimey, how pathetic they must be.
        Wouldn’t it just be easier to have a nice wank to get your jollies?
        Peculiar people indeed.

      • I meant to have a nice wank this evening but got distracted by the issue of trolling.

        Need to get Laura Kuenssberg’s legs out of my degenerate mind.


    • Opposite ends, Thora?
      You mean you aren’t fuelled by seething bitterness and unnecessary spite?!
      You’re in the wrong place!

      • Ho ho, no I meant that you *should* be fuelled by bitterness and spite…it’s the best way to be!

    • “… gone really weird and different.” Care to elaborate?

      I’ve been here since 2017 and apart from it being a bit more strictly monitored for libel and incendiary language now, I don’t think ISAC’s character has changed that much, has it?

      • I have been an avid cunter since May 2017 and I can’t see many things have changed since then.

        I recall the ongoing saga of Rickie Double-Penetration, the wannabee ISAC troll from Naaafaaalk. Now he was a complete ball of monkey excrement.

      • That’s quite a bold overview for someone who has only had a few hours on the site.

      • Most definitely Miles. There’s a perverse pleasure he gets from being discovered. Nobody does indignity like CS.

  24. One of my favourite things about ISAC is that we almost never get this kind of shite.

    I guess some individuals are going stir crazy waiting for their tray of Cheetos and Mountain Dew to slide under the basement hatch.

    • Loved that, Empire. Funny stuff.

      Now I’m hankering for some Cheetos. None in the house. Dammit!

      For those that don’t know (I assume they’re not sold in the UK), Cheetos are like a bigger version of Wotsits. And Wotsits taste better too. And they’re not as greasy. Yank savory snacks are a bit tragic.

      • Good to see you, IY – thought you’d gone!

        Not sure if this global socialist experimental is the cause, but I’ve been craving some fucking random stuff recently. This past week I’ve been borderline psychotic for the taste of Daim/Dime bars. I haven’t had one for at least 10 years.

        I always used like gorging on those Tesco imitation Wotsits during University all-nighters, the ones which felt like they were starting to dissolve your tongue after eating a whole big bag.

      • Hey Empire –
        Nah, I’m still around. I lurk for a while, then pounce on the odd juicy nom. The time difference can also be a real killer for getting involved with the banter.

        My Tesco guilty pleasure was always the 4 pack of custard tarts. I’d inhale those like my life depended on it.

        Moons ago I worked in Crawley (near Gatwick airport). More often than not, I used to go to Littlewoods across the street for my lunch of choice. A large bag of Littlewoods brand BBQ beef Hula Hoops and a pork pie. What a diet! Still, you could eat practically anything in your early 20s with no ill effects. And pull all-nighters like it was nothing.

        Those were the days my friend….we’d thought they’d never end….

      • I remember in the 80s, I stayed with my mate who was at Aston university, and opposite the halls of residence there was a kebab shop doing doners for a quid. I ate nothing but kebabs for the four days I was there! On the last night we went to Birmingham odeon to see screechy kraut rock band Accept. By now, my farts were so vile, even I was retching at the stench, and I remember pumping out this guff that had people six or seven rows in front of me gagging. Oh to be 19 again….

  25. Excuse me for butting in but who is CS anyway, I’m lost here,is it anything to do with Dickie Doubleday?

  26. P.S. I’m going to have to second RTC’s Kuenssberg pins fetish.

    She may have a face like a wonky slab of meat with a crudely slit gash for a mouth, but if one can suspend the vileness of both her character and her visage, then it has to be said she has legs that warrant humping ‘til the shaft is chaffed.

    A few years ago, the Daily Politics provided the most unlikely fuel for my depraved wank-bank. Each Wednesday post-PMQs, Kuenssberg flashed a lot of calf and heels during her shitty analysis. On a few of these occasions ‘working’ from home, I feverishly wanked myself dry on such fine material.

    It’s all about being open-minded, chaps.

    • I had a weird ten minutes captivated by Lucy Worsley. I’m over it now fortunately, but it’s funny who can catch your eye from time to time.

      • Isn’t it just.

        Amongst my many shameful ‘10 minutes’ was a fevered clean ‘n’ jerk over Katie Hopkins around the time she was in The Apprentice.

      • On the weekend, I watched the film Red, and I thought Helen Mirren would have it, even now. Fuck, I’ve been alone for too long, with just gin and cats for company.

      • A few of our lady newsreaders and weather girls get me revved up over here. Attractive and articulate, I like to imagine if they could read the news so calmly if i was stood next to them biffing out a portion.

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