Burglars

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Burglars are cunts. About 8:30 am today (Saturday 11th April) I received a call from a person who lives near the archery club that I’m a member of to say that he’d found a couple of bows, a number of cases, some arrows and some quivers in the stream behind the club while on his morning walk through the park that the club sits on the edge of. So I called another committee member and we met at the club, where we found damage to the exterior of the clubhouse, presumably caused by the first attempt the little fuckers made to get in before kicking in the door.

Inside, they’d been through all the drawers and cupboards before breaking the lock on one of the equipment stores and taking a number of the cases and bows and arrows that we use for beginners courses and have a go days. It’s not particularly expensive equipment, but that’s not the point. Fortunately, they failed to get into the equipment store that contains the more expensive bows, arrows and equipment that we rent to new members while they’re getting together enough money to buy their own gear (archery can be quite expensive).

Five-0 were fucking useless. Couldn’t get through on the non-emergency number and the plod I spoke to at the local station could not have given less of a fuck. Probably would have sent armed response if I’d been reporting someone for buying a packet of hob nobs, but this was an actual crime so we were told to fill out an online complaint. My tongue is still sore from having to bite it.

Anyway, burglars, especially the scum who broke into my club, are cunts of galactic proportions.

Nominated by Quick Draw McGraw

68 thoughts on “Burglars”

  1. If you get burgled and know who it was don’t phone the fucking useless old bill. They will be of no use whatsoever. Do what they did before the useless cunts were invented.

    • When I lived in a posh village in Nottinghamshire I had a nearly new motorcycle stolen. The police were useless; I was given a crime number and told to bugger off. If I had whistled at a girl I would have been done as it is considered to be a hate crime . The Police Commissioner is an ex MP who left under a cloud, something to do with expenses. BTW less than 9% bothered to vote in his election yet he claims to understand and have the support of the people of the county.

      • The police are shit for a number of reasons – they largely consist of filthy chavs that are just as bad as those they arrest. This deters any good police joining, who will be screwed by the politics, and are either delegated to shit roles or leave altogether. This leads to more scum being entrusted with looking after the vulnerable. The scum will undoubtedly take bribes from the criminals they are supposed to punish, which is also brought on by budget cuts, because the cunt factory aka the politicians, need it more than them. Other factors include bullshit crime figures required to be addressed, leading to police Persuing the low hanging fruit of internet trolls, etc.

  2. Sounds like a bunch of chav / gyppo cunts, broke in looking for something of value, found a load of archery shit…..where is the black market for that?……they wouldn’t know anymore than I do……so they dumped it. I’m afraid you are dreaming if you think the coppers are going to give a flying fuck about that. If it was a mosque or a gay club you would have the Chief Constable around with a team of SCOs dusting every surface for prints and being offered “counselling” from a bunch of do gooder social worker cunts.
    But you are not the usual victims so beloved by the libtards so you can sort it out yourselves you cunts.

  3. Tell the police its a Muslim archery club. Suckdick Khan would have armed police outside every archery club in London, whilst telling us “burglars will not divide us”. Then light some tee candles and a verse of Don’t Look Back In Anger should make the burglars think twice. Sorry to hear that QDM. Good morning.

  4. Same old story, the police are not interested in burglary, even if they do capture someone the CPS and the judiciary make it a pointless exercise.

    Billy Burglar can rob us all blind without much worry about consequences.

  5. The only thing the Po Po are good for is giving you a report number, which makes the insurance claim much easier, as the parasites at the insurance company cannot accuse you of making up a bogus theft. I know this from first hand experience after our house was broken into a few years back.

    Burglars are indeed cunts of the highest order.

    • Archery gear in the woods? Call the Sheriff of Nottingham!
      Police wont do shit im afraid Quickdraw apart from maybe send them on a archery course,
      If the bows are valuable take them home of a night.
      Burglars are indeed cunts a broadhead bodkin in thir throat would cure them of gypsy fingers.

    • I don’t see why you can’t make up a bogus theft if all the police do is give you a crime number over the phone, who’s going to contradict you?

      • That’s all well and good if the bogus item you record as being stolen is insured before the ‘crime’. Otherwise a bit pointless as you cannot claim the cost of the bogus loss off anyone else.

        I suppose this could work with smaller items such as bicycles, if they are either insured specifically as special items (valuable bicyles for example).

      • Home insurance covers all sorts of stuff in my house, there’s no specific list and any one of these items could go missing, even ones that don’t exist.

      • Moggie, insurance companies are cunts and unless you have proof you owned the alleged items that was lifted, e.g. photo or receipt, the cunts will find novel ways of weaseling out of paying out.

        Plus they will hike your next premium for good measure.

      • I’ve only ever had to claim on home insurance twice and both times they paid out with no fuss, amazingly, and even no proof that I ever had the first item. They sent a claims guy for the TV because it cost £2500 when new and they really did want to verify I had that. But on neither occasion did my premium go up.

      • @Moggie.

        Dunno how plod do it in the UK but we got a certificate thingy. I’m not sure how else to describe it, although it looked quite impressive actually and fuck trying to forge it.

        And yes we did claim for an extra laptop or 2. 😁😁

      • I should add that the local cop shop sent an officer round to the house and took a statement from us too before issuing the report number. Us kicking in our own front door and trashing the place would have been a pretty drastic way of false claiming (extra items notwithstanding).

      • I had my bike stolen at university and it’s fair to say plod did fuck all except give me a number to pass on to my insurance company.

  6. You should have been arrested for wasting police time, QDM. The police are too busy dealing with online transphobia.

    Joking aside, it’s a sad story – something that provides a real benefit to the community (a club) is slowly chipped away by some scum. And the world won’t be a better place after CV19 because the virus doesn’t target cunts.

    Tell you what, QDM, I’ll bang a saucepan for you. Feel better? Didn’t think so.

    Anyway, mate, I hope the insurers do their bit. Keep up the good work, mate!

  7. Invasion of private property should be a hanging offence.
    If The Minorities are involved then 2 generations swing.
    Overpopulation is a severe problem you see.
    Fuck em.

  8. Try looking after these whiny cunts in prison. They also tell you ‘It’s only a commercial burglary, I ain’t no paedo.
    These cunts are pathetic. They come into prison demanding moisturiser for dry hand and soya milk for lactose intolerance whilst insisting they are taken to hospital appoint men’s they could not be bothered to attend and my admin team have to re-arrange. They demand medication they do not need and threaten to slash up if they do not get there way.

    Please be reassured, I never give in.

    Scum, the lot of them.

    Fuck Corbyn.

    Good morning.

  9. Sounds more like kids wanting to play Cowboys and Indians.

    When I was a child the local children used to be invited up to The Towers one day every year. We used to play Cowboys and Indians….I was always the Cowboy and they were the Indians….I was.of course,magnificent in my delivered from Harrods Lone Ranger costume…they not so magnificent with a bit of mud daubed on their faces and a pigeon feather from my previous night’s shooting stuck in their hair.

    How they envied me on my very valuable palamino pony as I chased the regamuffins across the fields and when they discovered that I’d cunningly swapped my cap-pistol for a 177 air-pistol….well the howls of envy from them were enough to gladden the hardest of hearts….I wonder if this was where my love of fox-hunting was born? They were not allowed to fire their bows at me of course….I may have got hurt. When I’d had enough of chasing and shooting them I used to tell Pater that one of the urchins had called me a rude name…..”Little Lord Fondleboy” was one such example of their coarseness. I always reported them before Tiffin was served….that way I got to eat all the crustless smoked-salmon sandwiches and cream-buns.

    After a year or two they refused to come…even the threat of eviction from their tied-cottages wouldn’t convince them….didn’t really matter,if anything I had an even more enjoyable day watching the bailiffs chuck them and their families out on the street.

    Glory Days when Commoners knew their place….will we ever see their like again?

    Fuck Off.

    • I hesitate to say this My Lord Fiddler but that all sounds a bit……well, a bit gay to be honest.

      • I know Freddie but I’m a bit bored until the lads turn up and we can start work. Hoped it might tempt a “we were too busy working down t’mill or pit to play games as children” out of the woodwork……..

      • When I was a lad, we used to dream of workin’ int mill. And when we got home from working int pit for 26 hours a day for free, our dad would slice us in two wi’ bread knife and then do a big shite on our graves afterwards. Luxury.

        Or summat like that anyway

        And I have to say…Lord Fiddler riding a pony? You didn’t knock about with Prince Edward, Liberace or Elton John as a child perchance?

        Mornin’ all

      • The gayness is not gay when we talk about the landed gentry, many of them are so inbred that it’s impossible to tell the genders apart, when they start courting its pot luck.

        You don’t want to see them try and push a sheep home either!

  10. It must be difficult for the burglars during this lockdown with so few houses left empty during the day. I’m surprised some slebs, or other attention seeking do gooder wankers, haven’t started a charidee to help the poor bastards out. The libtards are also letting the cunts out of prison early so there are more scumbags competing for fewer easy victims. Then think about the coppers deployed to tell people not to sit in parks or travel on buses and trains and you are on your own really. Unless you are a peaceful, gay or trannie. No change there then.

    • You’ve got to sympathise with the chavvy Romanians at this awful time. What about a GoFundMe to help the desperate plight of Romanian Burglars? How will they feed their kids with:

      – no houses to burgle
      – no shops from which to steal
      – no busy streets full of idiots giving money
      – nobody to whom to flog the Big Issue

      Perhaps a Sunday Night clapathon.

      • Hitchens, Daz with an ‘e.’ Christopher Hitchens, author, journalist.

        Was this when you were talking about women’s humour?

      • He fits worktops and cabinet doors too Daz!
        Google ‘Hitchens kitchens!’

  11. A bit gay? Sounds more gay than a gaggle of drag queens at a campsite at Christmas!

    • Morning Krav.

      I must admit that I originally saw the title of the nom. as “Turd Burglar” and it all just spiralled from there.

      • Similarly when I saw todays headline of ‘Trump orders meatpacking plants to stay open’, possibly the only time Owen Jones is in total agreement with POTUS.

  12. QDMcD – Utter Cunts! My shed got done in broad daylight (Bike, chainsaw, diamond encrusted fabege egg….usuall stuff). The Police sent a CPSO a week later who had a look, never wrote fuck all down and gave me a card with her details on. Thanks!

    I did my own investigation via, neighbours, postman, local garage with cameras which led me to a white van. I got the registration number and last week filled in a DVLA form to aquire the address of the vehicle owner citing they keep blocking the entrance to my estate and i need to write to them…When I say ‘write’ I do of course mean go around with my horrible children and occasion a hiding. CUNTS!

    • How did you manage to get the address of a caravan Daz?
      I trust you’ll be taking your new chain saw with you when you visit.
      I’m looking forward to seeing the results on best Gore.
      Good luck and happy hunting mate.

  13. Sorry to hear of your plight, QDM. Being a burglary victim is frustrating given plod’s reluctance to gaze up from their on-line Pornhub engrossment or put down their mug of steaming hot tea to at least make the impression they give at least a microshite.

    The perpetrators deserve gassing like badgers. Cunts.

  14. To get some answers for the above crime I recommend a bit of William Tell and arse dartboard as punishment.

  15. Be clear about it: The police and the law are primarily concerned with middle class people. Crimes that mostly affect the working classes don’t bother them, burglary, gang violence, shit like that – couldn’t give a fuck. Offending a pampered middle class precious child because you said their deluded identity problems were just that – oh that’s a different matter.

    The institutions of this country are run by middle class people for middle class people and their egos. The fact that working class people happen to benefit occasionally from their lofty benevolence is only to cement their place among the elect and make the middle classes feel superior, when you reach a certain level of prosperity you can afford to take the time to look down on others “less fortunate” (lmfao) than you, professionally. Doing things because of duty or a sense of good without psychological reward disappeared with the “liberal” revolution, which was actually just a rouse to change the rules in their favour because they were now prosperous enough and had enough power.

    Less fortunate my ass. How did you get that 40 grand a year job middle clwss person oh and inherit that once 20 grand now 1 million quid home? Not it’s not luck, it’s a couple of generations of playing the game, keeping your head down because of the career, toeing the line robotic zombie dead eyed bullshit. Guess what you pompous asshole, you’re a sellout, you sold out the traditions of our civilisation for cash and an easy time, oh and to stroke your ego. You’ve nothing to be proud of, and you’re a fucking coward.

    So no, these cunts won’t he giving a shit about burglaries any time soon, they are interested in other things.

    Cunts.

  16. It could be a lot worse than the average burglary. A mate of my mine, sleeping next to his wife, with his two daughters in the room next door, woke up to find some cunt standing at the foot of his bed. He leapt out of his bed, screaming like fuck and the cunt legged it. I remember when he was telling me the story the hairs stood up on the back of my neck and I had that feeling of pure fear in the pit of my stomach. Fuck knows what that must be like. He seemed quite calm about it but I suppose it’s fight or flight in those circumstances. They never caught the pikey cunt……obviously.
    PS. Tony Martin should get a fucking medal.

  17. The Bill are too busy going through the great unwashed shopping trolleys looking for Pringles and coconut macaroons…..do you really expect them to give a flying fuck about theft and property damage? laughable.

    Has any one noticed the pigs have appeared from nowhere? they are all over the place here in cars, helicopters and even on bicycles and horses.

    Like the egg heads advising the government, the filth are really enjoying this mass panic because it gives them even more power over the average person.

    Fuck banging a saucepan lid for the dancing nurses (the cunts) I’m going to flash my ass for the rozzers.

    • “Has any one noticed the pigs have appeared from nowhere?”

      Yep, Spanky – here in North Wales, plod have been sitting in the cash collection van, waiting for any motorists still on the roads to bring the crime to them. Spotted the utter cunts at least 5 times since lockdown.

  18. Next time, spray some racist stuff in the walls and the cops will send the entire station and a helicopter to investigate the burglary.

    • Good thinking my friend. Just spray “all gays must die” on your front door and they will be in the nick before the end of the day. They will strike a deal pleading guilty to the burglary if the homophobia charge is dropped. You may be a skumbag career criminal but you don’t want that on your record.

  19. A burglar is creaping about in a house and hears “Jesus is watching you! Jesus is watching you!”. He turns and, to his relief, he spots a pet parrot, “What’s your name?” asks the Thief.
    “Moses” says the Parrot “Moses”.
    “Moses? What sort of an idiot calls their parrot Moses?”
    “The same idiot that calls his Rottweiler Jesus!”

    Coat?

  20. Should have said the burglars deliberately targeted the section where equipment is held solely for the use of the BAME or LGBT community. All of the feathers or quills on the arrows are rainbow 🌈 colours to prove it. They ignored the stuff used by the white members.
    Would have then been a hate crime and you would have had Nipper Read up at the club solving this one.

  21. Closest we ever came to getting burgled was when sime little shit weasel tried climbing over the back garden wall to break into the shed.

    What the little cunt didn’t realise was our 9 stone Rottweiler used to sleep in the garden shed during the summer (too hot for him in the house).

    The hound went fucking beserk and I just managed to catch a glimpse of a prison white reebok beating a hasty retreat over the back wall as I leaned out the window to tell the dog to shut the fuck up.

    He got a nice juicy sirloin for his dinner that day and plenty of tummy tickles.

  22. I rather like the apocryphal tale of the guy who called the Rozzers to say that his house house had been burgled, only to be told that there were no officers available. He then told them the burglar was still in the premises, only to be given the same story! With that he went out into the garden and banged heavily on his trash can lid, imitating gunfire. He then went back and told the operator ‘It’s ok, I’ve shot the fucker’ and put the phone down. Within 5 mins he had 6 squad cars and a SWAT team outside his home, with a helicopter circling overhead! Might be worth using the thieving cunt as a target if you find out who it is!

    • SB – “Trash cans?”, “Squad Cars?”….. “SWAT Team?” …..where was this guy in Miami Vice?

  23. Steal another Mans property? You have decided to cross the line, what you get you get.
    As a light fingered b*stard known locally as a “smack rat” (well known prolific local thief) found out after being kicked through an upstairs window, beaten f*cking senseless with a baseball bat and dragged out onto the road outside – and the thing that made this friend of mine laugh the most was the fact this thief b*stard called the pigs to report being violently assaulted after being kicked from an upstairs window and given a good whacking on a mobile phone they had stolen from the place they had just been burgling (they don’t bless these types with brains do they), and the pig response team ran the f*cker over as they attended the incident – the same incident they had been alerted to 20 minutes or so earlier by a householder and refused to attend. And this thief s*it tried to sue the Police for causing personal injury (you could not make this up!).
    I don’t waste my time with the pigs, they are an utter joke – and burglaries decreased over 70% in the local area while this c*nt was in hospital having his legs reset and broken ribs etc sorted.
    Of course, if I had had anything to do with it the little scamp would have been sat down for a cup of tea and a sternly wagged finger!
    Fox law – yeay! 👍😀

  24. Burglary is a cunt, most definitely.
    If I may share one small part of how I made it to be the great man I am today.
    I used to live in a small flat aged around 17 and even then over twenty years ago I showed great guile.
    I had a lot of expensive recording equipment and A DJ set up etc, and of course I was insured.
    I thought to myself ‘These insurance companies are cunts, thanking money for nothing’.
    So one night I took all the equipment out and came back and smashed the window and legged it.
    I then return a couple of hours later and call the old bill.
    They come out and dust the place down and give me the crime reference number.
    I use all my communication skills when the insurance cunt comes round to write the list of ‘stolen’ equipment and a end up with a nice cheque for well over 5 grand.
    I then used that to go towards buying my first property.
    What a great skills set and daring attitude I showed back then.
    Go fuck yourselves.

  25. I used to work for a company in Hove (and yes just fuck off) it got broken into and the cunts made off with a couple of PCs and some pizza box blade servers. Problem was the UNIX boxes contained the source code for something called Settlenet which is the network for clearing accounts in the city of lunnun. Well, the car park was chock a block with more scrambled egg than I ever thought possible. local, county, MET and the city top brass (who wear a fetching lilac don’t cha neew). As the lone, albeit long serving contractor, there was a special love for me since no one knew who had made off with the goodies then. Head orifice decided shortly thereafter to shut the gaff down and to transfer everyone to Fleet. Very few went, if you’ve ever been to Fleet you’ll know why. A couple of chavs (who of course were caught, funny that) destroyed the careers of a hundred people, blew up a £20M business and probably did no time. The cherry on the cake? The network guys told Fleet to go fuck themselves and got new offices locally (and I’m not telling).

    • I hope somebody understood all that.
      Sorry FF, that went straight over my head.

      • Sorry mate, I come here to vent my spleen, I stopped making sense a long time ago. Oh and the 20m was the annual profit.

      • A thought experiment. How much is a lot of money? a) enough to buy a bmw; b) ten pallet loads of fifties or c) pretty much all of it, globally ..

      • I once got bumped from a job paying a bullseye a day (bangers) as “we want to keep the Polish crew together”, weirdly the mortgage people were uninterested. The cunts.

  26. Burglars are a lower life form than shithouse rats.
    I’ve been done three times over the years, and it’s a horrible experience. One time the cops caught the cunt, and to add insult to injury, I was forced to give a statement by interview to the greasy little cunt’s brief.
    The cunt had a string of previous as long as your arm, and got six months for his efforts after for dozens of other offences to be taken into account. If it had been left to me, I’d have had the fucker’s bollocks in the mangle.

  27. You’ll have to go vigilante on this one, Quick Draw.
    Set up a few loaded crossbows inside, trained on the entrance with trigger leads.
    You can climb out the window when you go but I’ve not yet figured out how you can safely regain entry.

    • You need to refine your plan!
      I have a thing in my head from when our Irish friends were blowing shit up, a quote from a ‘reformed’ bomb maker along the lines of ‘the trick with bombs is not being there when they go off’
      I may have dreamed that up, but still, you know it makes sense.
      Don’t get your Hampton Court!

  28. A sad day.
    If they catch the cunt, maybe tie him to a tree, put an apple on top and tell him you’re going to let the new members have at it.
    Don’t actually shoot the bugger, that would be a bit much, but invite all the noobs in, give ’em each a bow and some arrows the speech beginning with ‘if this is your first time shooting a bow, put your hands up.’ He might consider a different lifestyle after walking home with shit in his pants.
    Big fan of archery, I make all my own stuff – bows, strings, arrows and things. I enjoy the making as much as the shooting.
    Happy cunting, I mean hunting.

  29. One of the joys of dog walking is that you can indulge in your two favourite past times, Time with your mutt and being a nosy bastard.
    My mrs found a body when she was on a walk once, (well the dog did) young girl behind a wall, unconscious the contents of her handbag proved to be her down fall, smashed out of her mind on some quality gear.
    I spent a good half hour in the woods one night talking to the police as a group of kids tried to smash their way in to the local scout hut, to my surprise the police did come and the little fuckers legged it.
    Then there was the time I found a fucking canoe in the woods stolen from another scout group, fucking arse that was, carried the cunt home and it sat in the garden for a week whilst I tried to contact the relevant scout group.
    I have to say that it was a piss take and I ended up having to leave work early so that I could pick up and deliver the canoe back to the scout master who had it stolen from his garage (I did expect a little gratitude, and perhaps some effort in coming round my place to pick his fucking canoe up, in stead I got a patch of dead grass where the cunt had sat, a reduced pay packet and fuel expense).
    But in line with the top nomination, it was kids, bored kids looking for fun and adventure.
    Now burglars do come on many levels of intelligence, I had all my tools stolen in broad daylight from my garage (Intelligent) and I had a shop where they drove full speed across the car park through a plate glass window, only to discover that behind the posters were prison grade steel bars (fucking idiots).
    Burglars are cunts, kids are cunts, in fact the list is endless.

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